Can't stop me now!

Everything is settled, including my nerves. Tonight I get set apart. Wednesday I begin my sojourn as a representative for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and His church. I cannot wait!

Please write me. You are my loyal friends and I love you. Letters and packages are accepted at either of these locations.

MTC (April 16 through about May 7):

Sister Lisa Marie Ruefenacht
Missouri St. Louis Mission
2005 North 900 East
Provo, UT 84604

Mission home (May 7 2008 until October 2009):

Sister Lisa Marie Ruefenacht

Missouri St. Louis Mission

745 Craig Road Ste. 306
Creve Coeur, MO 63141

Periodically, hopefully, someone in my family will update my blog with stories. Check back every once in awhile!

I love you and I love the gospel! I feel the healing powers of the Atonement every day and I feel continually converted to Christ through the Gift of the Holy Ghost. Study your scriptures, pray often and direct your thoughts toward good, and toward Christ. I challenge you all to do this! You will be blessed more than you can comprehend! It will change your life!

Love,

Sister Ruefenacht

What the heck?

Today I saw a bull humping a cow in some farmland off the side of the freeway. They were struggling to be discreet, situated behind a tree, but I guess there's really no such thing as being discreet when thousands of people are driving by you each minute.

If you read back a few entries, you can read a great story about my grandma growing up on a farm in Delta, UT. At least, I'm pretty sure I wrote about it.

Like the desert misses the rain.

There is something odd about missing someone. I think Alex said it best once: That when you really miss someone, you feel like you're dying. That's about how I feel right now.

The biggest mistake I've ever made (other than referencing that song in this post's title) was leaving Alex a week earlier than I'd originally planned to. His birthday is today, April 4, and there's a big Johan the Angel show with Musee Mechanique at Kilby Court. And I'm missing them both.

There's that song, "What A Difference A Day Makes," or maybe it's just an idiom, but I think it's an old song. Anyway, the only difference these days are making is that my suffering is being drawn out. The worst part is that I did this to myself.

I know in a few weeks I won't hurt like this anymore, but right now it's pretty much unbearable.

On the bright side, I'm at level 37 on Bubble Bobble, and I'm not as sick anymore (I was pretty sick all week). Other than that, life at home is its typical, boring self, and as much as I love my family, I can't wait to get back on schedule.

Passing fancies

Today I am crying. It started 20 seconds ago. I have tried to cry all week and couldn't.

I'm crying because my house is a mess. More about the reason than the mess. The bulk of my belongings are in storage. It's snowing in Provo and my winter clothes are packed away.

I'm crying because you stayed behind in the crowd. I'm crying because you didn't care if I left you. I'm crying because you didn't care to follow me. I'm crying because you'd rather be with other people than with me.

I'm crying because this is how I turn the page.

I'm crying because I still haven't sold my Mackbook Pro.

I'm crying because I give my farewell talk in two weeks.

And I'm crying because I'm listening to Chet Baker, and he's just so darn gorgeous.

Let me not be too consumed.

My new friend Martin isn't just any kind of friend. He's a duck. A baby duck. A duckling. He's soft and furry and yellow and makes this delicate little "cheep cheep" sound all day long. Only problem is in that last sentence--the "all day long" part. Because Martin won't freaking SHUT UP! I am just counting my blessings that I don't have to sleep in the same room as that annoying little brat! You can read more about him and watch videos of him on Tess' blog. It is definitely worth it, because I doubt any of you have seen a duckling in an attic apartment before.

Today I had my hair did by the magician Patrick Hoyal at Shep Salon in Provo Utah (book at least two weeks in advance). It is my mission haircut. Here is a picture. (Please excuse the bathrobe and poor lighting).


It is layered all around, which will work nicely with my waves in the humidity. It is also much darker than the blond it was only earlier today, which was necessary to soften the growout blow. It is the mark of beautiful craftsmanship all around, but I won't look like myself for a few more days. I guess I mostly don't like it because I left my dark hair behind a while ago. Dark hair is old Lisa. Blonder/lighter hair was new Lisa. And that was the Lisa I know. I guess I should probably stop defining myself by my hair though.

Things are changing very quickly. I move home to California next Tuesday. I leave on my mission three weeks from today (Wednesday). Sometime during those short weeks, Alex and I are breaking up. Suddenly I feel like my life is moving around me while I stand still. I have prepared for these things for a while, so now that they're happening, it only feels like a natural course. Like moving from one class to the other during passing period. There are little occurrences in each class period, but my sights are set on the end-of-the-day bell.

In anticipation of these changes, my brain has been blessing me with vivid and horrific dreams. Last week, I found myself the oldest of four siblings. My brother in the dream, who had terrifically blond hair, decided to murder everyone who was in our house at the time, which happened to be our old neighbors' house, which happened to be everyone we knew because we were hosting a party. After killing everyone but me and our other siblings, my brother fell exhausted in the master bedroom. During this time I swiftly packed my bags and left the house. I made it to the driveway and then the dream was over. No driving away. No walking into the sunset. It ended on the driveway.

"To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents." - taken from Dreammoods.com

"To dream that you are a hostage, indicates that you are feeling victimized and powerlessness. You may also be feeling limited in your choices or physically immobilized. Perhaps this dream is paralleling some situation/difficulties in your daily life or relationship. Alternatively, it suggests that a part of yourself is not being fully expressed." - dreammoods.com

"To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable." - dreammoods.com

Last night I dreamed that I couldn't stop throwing up. I threw up on everything, like Chunk in the movie theater.

"To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go." - taken from Dreammoods.com

Now that you know everything about me, I'm going to go stay out of sight for a long time.

My dreamcatcher

I have always been good at removing myself from the present and forgetting the past. Like going on vacation. I always know I'm going on vacation. I anticipate it. I know it's coming sooner and sooner but I don't really grasp that's what I'm doing until I'm there. And then when I'm back it's as if it didn't happen. I know I was there. I remember being there. But I'm not there anymore so it didn't happen.

This is how my whole life feels. Like a mirage that I know I saw but that I have no proof of. Like how the highway 100 feet ahead looks like water in the summertime, but then you get close to it and it disappears.

Yesterday I got a notice in the mail saying my car registration had been revoked because my dad forgot to notify the state of Utah that my car was indeed insured. Today the radio and clock shorted suddenly and came back on even more suddenly. And then I got a flat tire. And Alex and I missed Summer and Smoke for the second night in a row.

In honor of myself

I once felt this really described me. It still does, but not right now.

"So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love - loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seemed to exist." --Everything Is Illuminated

Sing me to sleep, Morrissey.

Earlier today I saw the best art show I've seen at BYU, probably ever. It's a graphic design show that joins art, top notch design and current affairs. There is a fine line between preachy and well-done when the state of the world is involved, but, my friends, this show is amazing. Do yourself a favor if you live in Utah and go the fifth floor of the HFAC.

Tonight I rode my bike for four hours, so I'm in a weird frame of mind. It is a Big Fish night.

Riding my bike is one of the only things that puts me into an elevated mental state. I'm not sure what it is about it--maybe the constant motion, the wind in my hair, the alone-but-not-aloneliness, the logical sense that bicycles make--but I just know I feel like a different person when I'm on my bike. I feel like I'm more myself than any other time. This is at least true for Provo.

I said once that I forget who I am in Provo, and it's true. For some reason my being has never been able to fully integrate here. There have been admirable stretches of time where I felt completely at home, but I've never been 100% settled. I have dissected this time and again, but I always reach the same conclusion. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking this like I always do.

There have been quite a few men in my life who've referred to me as the coolest girl they've ever met. Ironically, these men have always been my best friends. Some briefly lovers, but mostly just friends. I have dissected this time and again also, but I always reach the same conclusion: I am still waiting for someone other than Kimba who always wants to be with me.