chair

I'm depressed. Clinically depressed. I came home early after a night of hanging with Jared to feel like a loser. I came home early. Anyone who reads this blog is going to know me really personally, btw. I don't tell anyone these things. I rarely care what people think of me, but for some reason, I feel like I need to stay out the latest and hang out the most. Is that a prob? Probably not, but I don't know why I feel that way. So instead I take lame internet tests that test my political prowess and emotional instability. This one test told me I'm clinically depressed and that I should seek professional help - which would probably help. I could use therapy. I just get sad too easily. But I crave sadness. I wrote a personal essay for my creative writing class about why I crave sadness. Wasn't my best writing, but it was honest, so I guess that makes it good. Earlier this year I was extremely depressed, but not too many people could tell you that. That's because I put on a mask like Prufrock and didn't ever say anything about it. But it was because April died. I miss her so much; I always will. I'm depressed now because of one stupid friend who professes his undying loyalty to me but turns around and is a total jerk. And I'd drop him entirely but I just love him too much. But you know who makes me happy? Ali. And Pasha too. They're funny guys and they make me laugh. But I crave someone who understands my sadness...that's all I need. Someone to be sad with, someone who knows how I feel when I'm happy and when I'm sad, someone who will share their sadness with me too. Man, I'm a hopeless sap. And I bought four new CDs today. It is Autumn on my money tree.