The Boy in the Bubble

I can't believe I miss home this much. It's not like me. I cried leaving my house while saying goodbye to my dog, I cried when I text messaged Perry "See you in November" before the plane lifted off, I cried on the plane as I waved goodbye to my beloved San Francisco, I cried half the ride itself as I wrote in my journal about various things, I cried when I got off the plane, turned on my phone and Perry had texted me back "ok ill miss ya," I cried in the car to Provo, I'm crying now.

Dry the tears behind your eyes, you blubbering sentimental fool!

I dont know why I miss Perry so much either. I guess it's because we hardly saw each other, like two minutes yesterday, but we wanted to see each other more. I just, I just...I realized today how much that kid frickin means to me, and I dont even know why. We had Creative Writing together last year, sat next to each other for a long bit of it. Just bonded, I guess. Like I said, I dont really even know. I just know that he's one of the people in my life I care most about, someone I'd die for without a second thought. I dont know if he feels the same way - I dont really even care - I just care a lot about you Perry. Know that I miss you miserably and that I'm here for you no matter what. I guess that's about all I can do. I need to do homework and forget about this and stop getting my shirt all wet from crying.

When They Really Get To Know You They Will Run

SOOO overwhelmingly sad to be leaving my beautiful Bay Area haven for shotty Provo Hell tomorrow. Ironic: Byu being hell and all. The wedding was good, really good. The dinner was boring, so I called Regan and skipped out on a bit of it, claiming an "urgent phonecall which I had to attend to." Good old naivete. Saw Perry for about two minutes this morning - he on his way to who-knows-where, me to Helen's, then to Berkeley with Celeste and Helen. Perry says, "What, this is all I get to see you?" And i say "Did you want to see me more?" because sometimes the boy makes me feel like he just doesn't care. but apparently he wanted to see me more, so i said "come chill with kevin and i tonight." so kevin never calls and i call perry thinking he'll be at home but he's at denny's waiting for the heat of the night, so he says i want to see you and i'll call either way. but curfew was 12 tonight, 12 dang it, so early. i'd have to sneak out and i've been in trouble enough so i dont think i'll be doing that this evening/morning. i'm sad. really sad. crying sad. but 5 new cd's today brightens the mood a bit. i need to pack. leaving here tomorrow morn at 7:30 am for a 9:00 flight. i want to stay here forever. i am mad at kevin for flaking but i'm sad that perry wants to see me and wont just COME over. because perry, i want to see you too. 2 minutes this morning with chuck interjecting didn't suffice. i've missed your indian skin so, the most, but it's too late. i'm leaving early and you'll be asleep at some kids' house you don't even know. let me make it easier and say "maybe next time" and that way we will make false promises to remain friends and see each other in november when i come home again but i know the same thing might happen. i just miss you perry. i miss you, i wanted to see you, i wanted to. okay, now i really need to pack.

Things Behind the Sun

Wow. I just realized that my title for yesterday's entry mentioins the sun as well. Hmmm, I think I'll deal. So I'm home this weekend, and already LOVING every minute of it. My parents took Becky and I to Fentons for dinner. This made me so happy since my Papa Walter always used to take us there, and I'd go there all the time with friends. Of course, it's all re-vamped now after the fire a few years ago, but the ice cream's still the same and I guess that's what matters most. So I have all these feelings surging through me right now. I'm so overwhelmingly happy to be home, to smell CA air and see familiar soil. I talked to Perry's dad tonight. I really do care for Perry so much. Perry: read this, and stop smoking. Just stop. It is helping no one and nothing, not even your image. But maybe I will tell you that tomorrow too...or later today rather. It is Saturday now; I just realized that. But it's 12:53 in CA right now, which means I still have a few more hours in me - 2 at least. But I dont think i'll take advantage of them. Peeps- just read this. Know that I care for you all with an insatiable love. Know that my heart is always with you and that I am only a phone call away. And Perry just called so I must go.

Love Me Till The Sun Shines

I just realized, like JUSt now, that my mom so graciously cleaned out my desk drawers for me the day I left home...which means she found my poetry volumes, which means she's read my poetry, which means her feelings are potentially hurts, which means....She hasn't mentioned it at least, so maybe she found them and uncharacteristically set them aside. HOME this weekend, and none of this fanfare for me. I'm genuinely happy to be going home. So miserably happy to be going home. Driving down the freeway blasting 1979 with my girl Celeste, telling her about all the hot Mormon boys she's missing out on. Roughing up the $3.95 section at Rasputin's with Kevin. Late night/early morning walks with Perry, stopping at the playground in Walnut Knolls to check for someone's leftover vodka so we can dump it out and save the little kids who play there, baking in the warm Blessed Sun. Driving aimlessly with Helen, going to the Pleasant Hill AND Walnut Creek libraries in the same day, walking to Bonanza Books to smell the musty, over-priced aroma one normally only finds in Shattuck's holes-in-the-wall. Listening to George Harrison's last album right now, the one Ariel gave me. Surprisingly happy for a dying man. Love the ukelele song. Love the fact that for being an unbelievably good song, "Here Comes the Sun" never made it to #1. So excited to go home, see my mountains, see my puppy before they sell her, see my beautiful electric guitar whose strings have been played all too little. Good thrift stores! Berkeley! Sadly there's no time for San Fran, but San Fran! Thanksgiving will come and I'm in SF all the time. Kevin is contemplating moving there; I concur darling Kevin-san. I crave our glorious city, Provo's antithesis, my heart's home. I, along with Frank Sinatra, left my heart in San Francisco and I simply MUST retrieve it! Sitting in Brigham Square today - Eddie saw me from far away, but as he walked through he pretended as though he didn't see me. I said slyly, "Hello, Eddie," and he turned to me, indicating I'd passed his test. Chatted a bit, but the smoke outside was unbearable and he had class. I don't feel like writing anymore. I have nothing more worth writing. Lew Welsh- "The Basic Con," not "The Invented Con." Sorry Sean Darling. Perhaps I will bring some of my books back to Utah with me. One can always use their Camus and Hemingway, wouldn't you say?

Evil Woman

Or "Medieval Woman, " rather. Think SNL, Anna Gasteyer and Will Farrell. Yeah, now you remember, don't you? Good. That's one of my most fav SNL sketches of all time. My brain aches today, overloaded with numbing information I'll forget after I'm tested on it. I feel like I have so much to write but nowhere decent to start. So I won't write at all. Perhaps tonight I'll find a muse and expell all the creativity surging through my organs.

God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

I can't believe I just bought the Coldplay's newest album. Lisa = sellout. Okay, so maybe it's not that bad, but I'm supporting a bad that's so rich they could use their money to wipe their arses. The New Pornographers -- Regan's offended by their name. Too bad they rock. Wow. Pasha. This boy has left for school and I never called. Last time I talked to him he was going to come by to get his Muse CD, but then he came and I wasn't home. I'll probably never speak to the lad again either. Actually, there are myriad people I'll probably never talk to again. Kerby and I are growing more and more distant, Allison is always about ready to log off AIM when I log on...it's all rather depressing. These people I care so much for have seemingly moved on from our grand times in high school, eating our sushi and fighting over trivialities. I dont think that's a word but when you're Lisa you can just make up words and it's okay. People say I'm cocky but I'm just self-confident - I know who I am and that's all. Wow, I'm actually digging this Coldplay crap. Stupid Brits. Not so with the Kinks and all their peers, just the new mainstream wave of bad teeth and backwards roads. Zwan broke up a few weeks ago. I'm surprised I haven't written some epic on the subject; heaven knows Billy (a.k.a. my one true love) has broken my heart before, but never this bad. SEAN - YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE COOLEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. lingo-slinging, beatnik-craving, opium den lord friend, homie of the heart, soul sibling.

Like Dylan in the Movies

So I like it here a lot more now. I feel like I've got a group going, people I can chizill with and stuff. AND - I'm coming home this weekend...SO excited! I LOVE COLLEGE! Ew, this stupid RA from downstairs just "robbed" my room, i.e. we had a magnet in our door so we don't have to bring out keys everywhere, and since this is Safety Week they're checking all the rooms to make sure the doors are always locked. SO STUPID. We got "points" taken off. Too bad I don't give a crap. I'm pretty sure my student ward leaders think I'm an inactive Mormon too. They keep coming by and looking at my door, at least that's what my roommate says. Whatev, I think it's hilarious. And I won't be here Sunday so that will only exacerbate things hahaha. Yeah, I guess you kinda have to be Mormon to appreciate this, but it basically means they're going to start being REALLY nice to me to "try to get me to come back." I love it.

Will You Please Be There For Me

So school is getting better. I keep "falling in love" with different guys, but I'm pretty sure none of them feel the same way. Actually, I just want them for friends, except for Eddie. Eddie is this hot Asian upperclassman rocker dood. He digs my style, at least that's what he's implied the past few times he's talked to me ;)
School is good though. I'm studying hard but I have a really hard time with reading comprehension so I need to read better. Yeah, I dont know what else to say except that today I'm getting my hair cut, then Regan and I are going thrift store shopping, then we're chilling with Carl and his friends from Oregon. Last night I chilled with Andrea, her "bf" Sean, and BJemmitt. BJemmitt rocks all the way. Well, so do Andrea and Sean, but Sean's just visiting from U of W and Andrea's a bit risque for my tastes...but she's still way cool and knows what's happening. So I like that.
And I went to this awful organ recital with Lindsay for my music 101 class. There was a show down at Muse Music that Eddie wanted me to go to, but dang, I just had to prioritize .. haha.

Love lies in ruin

My mom and I had a huge breakthrough today. I told her why I hated her. I mean, I never really hated her through and through, but she scarred me emotionally and mentally. It's pretty private so I'm not going to say what it was about in such a public forum, but things are looking good for us. She told me she's really grateful for the way our relationship has blossomed and strengthened since I left home. And so am I. For so long all she would ever do was nag me nag me nag me, and I'm a free spirit who can't take fences. Being away from home has been great for me because I can finally be who I want to be all the time without her shadow looming over my bright sunshine. But yeah. I'm tired and need to read more before I go to bed. So goodnight to every little hour that you sleep tight, may it hold you to the winter of a long night and keep you from the Loneliness. Goodbye my love...

Til Saturday

Last night I saw Matt at the Fall Fling and he was quite dull. Well, I didn't realize it until Regan pointed it out. Matt's favorite poet is Poe, and he likes Wordsworth too. I was expecting some obscure poet, someone I'd never heard of. Instead, I was the one who knew all these random poets. I told him about "Buyer's Remorse" by Charles Harper Webb. I told him it had been on "All Things Considered," a literary program on NPR radio. But he stared at me blankly. Carl has me hooked on "power naps," short bursts of sleep scattered throughout the day. My average is two at half an hour each. They're awesome and really help me stay awake during classes. That's one thing I wish I'd known before I left for college: how little sleep one gets. Sleep is a rare jewel that no one cares about, a drug that's so accessible yet so undesirable. Sleeping means you're missing out on something whether it be precious study time or a raving party at the residence hall next door. Needless to say, I don't sleep much and I almost like it that way. Besides, professors are used to having kids fall asleep in class, aren't they ;) ? Tonight I went to a piano recital with Carl. The pianist was extremely good. Carl is so deep, such a better Mormon than I am. It's not good to compare oneself to others because then you feel worthless, but Carl is a great kid. I was wearing my black pointy boots and he told me he didn't like them. "Neither do I really," I said. So I took them off and walked home with him barefoot since that's more me anyway. Friends are good here, but I still miss the comfort and security of home.

To the Commonality

A few nights ago I met this guy Carl. www.ofpawnsdesign.com That's his band's website. Carl plays bass. I like them a lot. Things have been going well here. Today I saw Matt and talked to him for awhile. Then we got each other's numbers. Hopefully he's not as big of a bookworm as he seems and he'll call me. But he gave me his number too so I could always call him. My new food staple is creamy peanut butter. I love it so much. But yeah, Carl and Matt. Then there's this guy Brian who I'm totally in love with because he's just so nice and sweet and great. Wow, I sound like I'm 13. It's true though, that Brian is really nice. That's about it though. Tom and Lindsay are dating now and this hurts because I've been pushed out of my friendship with them, mainly Tom. But whatever. Today I told him that and said "Now the ball's back in your court." Hahaha. Sometimes only sports analogies work with him. But I need to do some HW before Regan, Carl and I chizill.

Until I Die of a Broken Heart

Yeah, I don't know why I've been so pissy lately. Well lately meaning last night and like right now (haha wonder why?) but I guess I shouldn't talk about it in such a public forum. Tonight I'm prob chilling with Regan and his old high school homies up in American Fork, a glorious 15 minutes away from Provo. W00T I really don't care since I'm sick of this campus and hanging out on it every stinkin night and day. But it's his 18th birthday, and as we are new bff's he wanted me there. Luckily, I've chilled with these kids before and they're all way cool. Especially Myles, who has excellent taste in music. So today I had a quiz for Music 101 and I got 18 out of 20, but then I had a quiz for Bio and I got 5 out of 5!! Yay! That made me so happy. And I didn't cheat either, which made me feel even better since I was having a hard time not peeking at my notes. So yeah, I need to call Regan and see what the dillyo is for tonight, tonight (SP allusion just in case you didn't catch it ;) ) JUST LOVE NO HATE!

we're not worthy

so byu is a pretty cool place. i keep meeting more and more people who i jive with. i talked to that guy matt again tuesday. he's so cute. really shy, doesn't talk much, but i think i can change that...at least when he's with me. talked to perry for awhile last night. i miss him like crazy. i miss everyone like crazy. i miss my dog like crazy. she's so sweet. a few night ago, my dad called me and i asked to speak to kimba. so he put the phone up next to her ear and dad said she was looking around fractically like, "Ah, where's Lisa? I hear her voice but I don't see her!!" Oh, I miss that pup so much. Her little sandpapery tongue, her soft puppy fur, her sweet slobber... tear tear. Oh well. I'm coming home in less than a month for my aunt's wedding, so that should be fun. She's getting big though (Kimba is, not my aunt ahahhaha), and I'm missing all of her childhood!! Okay, meeting REgan for lunch, gots to go.