Nights In White Satin

Have you ever listened to "Asleep" by The Smiths? You have? That's great. You haven't? Go listen to it right now!

Season's End show last night was good. Regan, it was nice touching base with you. Maybe we'll have to do it again. Wait, we're chillin tonight. Okay, well you know what I mean then.

Ladies and Gentlemen we are floating in space. So that's a spiritualized album, but I really feel like I'm floating in space. My life lacks purpose. I continually go to school to achieve this goal, a major, a degree, I'm not sure anymore. I had my audition for the School of Music today. It went well. One of the judges and the accompanist were from the Bay Area, and the other judge's brother used to live in Walnut Creek. Crazy?! For real. They asked me a lot about my choral background and if my interest in Music Education was serious. Well, of course it's serious. That's my ulitmate goal in life: happy family, conductor/composer working relationship with Stephen Hatfield, etc. I mean, I did my senior project on choral conducting. So what does this say, you know?

I had a long talk with my mom today. It felt good. Sometimes I don't just talk to her enough. It turns into yelling and misunderstandings and hostility.

My parents want me to come home for President's Day Weekend now. Crazy how that happens. They think I need a dose of reality and a breather from suffocating Utah. Um yeah, I could've told them that a long time ago. Their minds actually changed when I told my mom last night that I'm seeing a therapist now, and that I'm clinically depressed. Yeah. It's not for certain yet if I'm coming home, but it looks very promising. It's on the condition that I can't see Sloan. But that's too personal for this medium. That's all you really need to know.

Four weeks down, eleven to go. eleven weeks. that's not very long at all. then it's home for the rest of the beautiful Bay Area Spring, then the blissful Bay Area Summer, then it's off to France. France. Wow. I know three other girls going at this point. Courtney, Lindsay, Michelle. All in my building. Lindsay and Michelle are on my floor. But can you imagine what Paris will be like for me? DO YOU REALIZE??? Can you see me wandering through Paris alone with a song in my head and happiness in my heart and perhaps a piece of cheese in my hand? I can. I def can.

Can I just say that I miss my friends back home? I miss Celeste, Sloan, Hannah, Bianca, Kim, Jess, Sam, Alex, McKenna, Annie, my family, Melissa, Ashley, Kevin, Perry (soooo much Perry! It's been the longest since I've seen you), the sun, everyone at church, Camilla, Keri, Emily, Marian, Lyndsey, Elska, Vanessa, Beth, Pasha, Helen! (definitely Helen), and yeah there are many many more. Of course. Of course I miss you all. Everyone.

The new AIR album is very good. Sloan, you are right: it has to grow. It grew really fast, like a beanstalk, for me though and I can't get enough of it. Listening to "Run" right now, and that's by far not even the best song, but it's still so good.

This is a long blog entry, but I haven't had a really long one in awhile. So it's okay. Right?

Yesterday Becky and I testdrove this blue Mitsubishi Eclipse. The color was amazing. Really beautiful. The car saleswoman was so nice. She was from Brazil and told us how she hated BYU because all the Utah girls were so fake and mean. Dood it's so true. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. Okay, so there are of course exceptions, but it's pretty frickin' true. I can't stand it here anymore. I need a breather, like home. HOME. HOME!! It feels good saying home.

It's weird to think that I was in Vegas only a week ago. It feels like an eternity. I feel like time is passing quickly, but maybe so much is happening in a week it feels fast. I don't know. It feels slow. It feels fast. I'm sick of not being able to make up my mind about things.

Should I take a nap before going out tonight? Sure. It's my second of the day. Naps never hurt.

And...the neighbors finally turned off their bass that was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. But now some other stupid girls are yelling in the hallway. So they're not stupid, but when they're squealing like that I sure can't help but think they are.

xoxo lisa.

jubilation. she loves me again.

moosemaster007: the thing you most want to keep you must let go; in truth it is making you unhappy because you can not have it close to you and go to college at the same time: an illusion

my brother just said that to me online because i'm so depressed. i dont know why i'm depressed. i just am.

the sun came out today. again. and it was 39 degrees. and i came home from karli's party and chris rains was wearing a t-shirt and he gave me a hug and said, "lisa, this is california weather" and i said yeah. it felt great.

i saw julian today. his wife is due next week. they will name their baby either oliver or owen. i'm happy for them. it was great seeing him.

then i met this guy named carlos. he's in my sharing the gospel class. he listens to pink floyd. he's from tijuana. he speaks french. he lives in the foreign language housing with the french kids. he has a nice smile.

then i met a woman tonight at karli's party. she was the dessert caterer. she is from toulouse, en france. elle etait tres chouette et nous avons parle le francais un peu. je suis tres agitee pour etudiant en france cet automne!

anyway, i should get on my homework or something. or just go to bed. yeah.

why do earthquakes happen miles away when i only want the open ground to swallow me?

lisa.

crazy on you

yeah baby, lemme go crazy on you. dood, that song rocks. those records i got in vegas are really hott. the best of bread, rod stewart, joni mitchell, cat stevens, heart, john denver, crap i can't even remember the others. that's so pathetic. but oh well. they rock too. haha okay chances are i haven't even listened to them yet if i can't remember then, but no dice. it's okay.

where is alex?

three months/55 days/11 and a half weeks until i'm home.

the sun came out today. it made it a good day.

i'm in the library right now. killing time before class with vern d. sommerfeldt. so excited.

well here's the deal. andrea and i are going to go kill time together in the sun, so i'll write more later prob. lots has happened in the past couple days. for some reason though, the second i start writing in this thing i forget everything i wanted to write about. major bummer.

xoxo lisa.

feel like makin love

i'm so into bad company right now it's not even funny.

okay. so i'm almost finished with my application for paris this fall. i am so excited. yeah, i'm going to have to work especially hard this summer, but it's completely worth it in my mind.

and okay. so i like really need to see sloan. like REALLY. i am dying. and where is alex? alex who i love so much? my friend of all friends? he's with his father, yes, but i haven't heard his voice in ages.

i am stressed.

las vegas was fun this weekend. went with becky to see her boyfriend. stayed with his family. they are great. they really are. taylor and dane are brandon's little brothers. they are so hilarious. "i'll tell ya right now, this is way better than playing with toys," says taylor. he was talking about welding and soldering metals. whoa. that kid is intense.

now for something else. i am very tired. and i miss sloan. and i miss CA. and i hate the snow. but i had lots of fun sledding with beau and jeff tonight! so much fun! thanks guys!

anyway, i'm off to do more hw. maybe sleep a little bit. watch "She's All That" with Jordan and Bree. who knows. alright. ciao lovers.

xoxo lisa

Hot dang juanita

Best day ever. Went to Park City with my boys Nick and Chad. In the space of one hour, saw David Arquette, Eve, Rachel Dratsch, Andrew Firestone, and some Makai Pfeiffer from 8 Mile. Wurd to yo mothahs. That's all I can say. I got pics with David and Rachel too. Be sure to check out Felicia Vondora once I have them up.

Things are so much better now than before. I am sick of feeling lonely. Whatev though. I know it will continue for awhile. So whatev.

I had so so so so SO much more to say, but now I'm too tired to say it. Except I haven't done any homework for class tomorrow, and I'm studying in Paris this fall!, and I love you all. So there.

xoxo Lisa

Heroes

David Bowie--you're my hero.

Sundance Film Festival was great, though we kind of overstayed our welcome at Jennie's house and had to leave early this morning. Bummer.

Yesterday I just took a long walk through Park City, talking to Alex on the phone the whole time. It was so nice, taking a figurative long walk with him. I saw Demi Moore at Fred Segal and Hank Azaria on the street. I saw The Presidents of the United States of America (the band) and they rocked. I saw The Long Winters and talked to them for a long time. John Roderick actually remembered me from the Death Cab show earlier. He remembered I was wearing a green cordouroy pea coat and that I complimented him on his brown cordouroy coat.

Alex--you're the greatest. You really are. And I'm sorry about your mom.

Park City is so beautiful. It glistened like Rivendell when we drove in Friday night. Saturday morning the sun streamed in through the windows and warmed my cold face. All day it kissed my cheeks and warmed my body as I explored the little shops and crunched through the snow and passed familiar faces on the street. Man, what a great day. And topped off with The Long Winters. Just insane. Insane.

I'm really lost. I'm really confused. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need some help. I don't know what I need. I just know that everything I do makes me think of him, everything I don't do makes me think of him, every minute every second I'm thinking about him. And I don't know what to think about that.

That's it. That's all I've got.

(none)

Things are over with Sloan. I still care about him, he still cares about me, but things just won't work right now, not next week, maybe not ever. but i still care about him very much.

anyway, life in p to the rovo is improving. i still miss home, the bay area, sloan and alex and my girls, but my weekend jaunt to park city for sundance this weekend should be a total blast, not to mention i'm escaping utah valley for the weekend. yeehaw.

aight. love you all. i mean it. i really do.

lisa.

Shake the Dope Out

This weekend: chilled at a partay Friday. sucked. called eric and chilled with him and adam. adam is amazing. chilling with them again tonight, and emily and dave. should be a real shindig.

went to idaho too. wow. idaho. there is nothing there. really. you know on movies when people move to the middle of nowhere? yeah, they film all those parts in idaho. there is NOTHING. n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well there's hollywood video, blockbuster, some bars, a rollerskating rink, so the usual small town fare. but it's awful. i'm telling you. literal hell on earth.

not to mention that everyone's shopping lives revolve around wal-mart (most of them had never heard of banana republic or even puma), pant sizes begin at a size 20 (for women, i'd say about 42 for men), and general politesse is something they've never heard of. imagine 50-year old mothers belching at the dinner table. yeah. no joke.

anyway, the weekend was fun overall. my eyes were opened to how life could be, and it made me so much more grateful that i live in utah where people at least dont look at me as funny as people in idaho did. it was def an experience.

things are getting better too. i'm not as sad, not as disgruntled. things could be a lot better, that's for sure, but idaho showed me that it could be an immeasurable amount worse.

enough about idaho. i'm going to do some work now. love you all. hope things are good.

xoxo times infinity (arkarkark)
lisa.

Changes

alright, so normally i dont like posting two days in a row. makes me feel needy, weak, desperate for emotional therapy. well i guess these are true right now. i'm quite homesick--i miss san francisco, berkeley, even walnut creek. i miss my dog. i miss my fmaily. i miss sloan. i miss alex. i miss my girls. but whatev.

byu sucks sometimes. it really does. i feel like there is no place for me here. my friends--i love my friends--are just friends. not lifelong soul siblings. eric and i had that once. regan and i did. forest and i are getting close to it. i love andrea and britt and jennie, i mean i could go on forever you know? but there's no point. these people are all here for me and i love them for it, but do they really understand me? do they know who i am without even trying? no, i dont think they do. i wish they did. i feel so alone. i really do.

i haven't been this depressed in a long time. not even when i first came to byu. i dont know what makes it different now. well i do. it was being home with sloan and alex, two people who i care so much about. two people who just "get" me. they know what makes me tick just because they do.

i am sick of being sad. i am sick of feeling like crap about myself, about being here, about everything. i am sick of not having someone i can love all the time. well i have that, but who knows how long it will last. i miss you so much sloan. that's it. i'm going to a party now.

Love is Only a Feeling

So in all honesty, coming back to school has been rather hard. I miss home, I miss Sloan, I miss Alex, I miss the sun. It's sunny today, at least. It's the first sunny day since I've been here. But my heart just feels empty all the time. I'm not sure why, except maybe because I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like a lost ship at sea. Sometimes other ships will sail by and offer help, but once they leave it's back to being lost.

I know I'll get used to it. It's already easier. I'm just sick of crying, sick of my heart aching. I need to change something.

Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell

Man. Provo is cold. Snow is literally all that can be seen on the ground, except for where it's been cleared on the pavement and walkways and such. It's intense.

I miss home. I miss CA. I miss Sloan. I miss him soooooo much. Like crazy. It's good to see all my friends here and stuff, but I'm still searching for that one person here who I really connect with. Like really deeply. That connection hasn't come, and I'm suffering without it. I just miss him desperately, and Alex too. Alex is a very great caring friend. But Sloan. It is awful leaving the one person you care about most behind. Very awful.

But I'll survive. Gloria Gaynor did it, I can too.... :) -----------> weak attempt at a smile.

xoxo love and happiness.

I Love You Jesus Christ

So that remark is a tad blasphemous, but oh well.

Strangely, oddly, ironically, I feel a sense of closure to this vacation. All day I've been weeping about, knowing that I have two days before I leave Walnut Creek, before I leave Sloan, before I leave all my friends I ditched for him. These whole two weeks have been a sensational blur. I realized the depth of my heart in these two weeks. I realized that life is nothing without love. I realized that distance might not mean a whole lot afterall. And I realized that having a curfew isn't such a bad thing after all. Not having freedom, however, is.

I am peculiarly happy right now. My heart is full with respect and caring for and from Sloan. I'm happy because Forest is a very good friend of mine.

Somehow, I just feel like everything's going to be alright for the first time in a long time...

...I will miss you every day Sloan...