Changes

alright, so normally i dont like posting two days in a row. makes me feel needy, weak, desperate for emotional therapy. well i guess these are true right now. i'm quite homesick--i miss san francisco, berkeley, even walnut creek. i miss my dog. i miss my fmaily. i miss sloan. i miss alex. i miss my girls. but whatev.

byu sucks sometimes. it really does. i feel like there is no place for me here. my friends--i love my friends--are just friends. not lifelong soul siblings. eric and i had that once. regan and i did. forest and i are getting close to it. i love andrea and britt and jennie, i mean i could go on forever you know? but there's no point. these people are all here for me and i love them for it, but do they really understand me? do they know who i am without even trying? no, i dont think they do. i wish they did. i feel so alone. i really do.

i haven't been this depressed in a long time. not even when i first came to byu. i dont know what makes it different now. well i do. it was being home with sloan and alex, two people who i care so much about. two people who just "get" me. they know what makes me tick just because they do.

i am sick of being sad. i am sick of feeling like crap about myself, about being here, about everything. i am sick of not having someone i can love all the time. well i have that, but who knows how long it will last. i miss you so much sloan. that's it. i'm going to a party now.