I'll Be There

My comp's still on Provo time.

I'm back in cali--9 hours--already been lectured twice. twice in nine hours. that's got to be mental abuse or something. can i sue? not yet. let's wait another half hour. i'm delirious. soooo tired. WAIT WAIT!!!!!!!! LECTURE NUMBER THREE JUST WENT DOWN!!! THREE LECTURES IN NINE HOURS...........no way. I can die now. I can honestly die happy.

Anyway...home is rough already. I had plans with perry the slugger tonight and jeffie the ballah and sorry dad i forgot to tell ya but you know what i'm used to just being able to get up off my arse and do whatever i want without telling the 'rents or the roomie or whoever about where i'm going and when i'll be back. my mom told me 1 am curfew. 1 frickin' am. that's nothing. a weekend curfew of 1 am is before i'd come home most weeknights. some weekends i wouldn't even GO OUT til 1 am. who are they kidding?

i miss provo. i miss my friends. i miss seeing the familiar faces. i miss the feeling. i miss utah. holy crap i just said i miss utah. well.......i do. i love my friends here and i'm so happy to see you guys you don't even know, but frankly i'm so used to life without you i'm going through shock being with you.

being away just kicks. i dont have to deal with my problems back here so much more. i've been able to bury so many things and being back just digs up the graves. but i'll deal. it's all i can do at this point.

Coachella. One week. i'm not excited. i think something's wrong with me. or maybe it's that it still feels surreal. who cares.

do i write about things no one cares about on here? do people enjoy this? does someone i dont know read this, because if there is someone i dont know who reads this, that's totally cool, you should talk to me. AIM- lisaloo92. i can't believe i just put my aim in there. i might as well have put my celli in there too. SALE FONE. hollah wanna be a ballah rock and roll stallah. alright alright alright alright alrihgt alirhgtihalihiej; omg i'm going crazy. i want to go to bed but i cant. i never sleep anymore. last week i was sleeping 11 hours a night, now i'm sleeping 3 tops.

okay my day. let's talk about sumthing now. my day. got up, dressing routine, airport, flight home, perry called and made me smile and laugh, home, went and saw perry and accidentally someone else, picked up robo from skool, home, missed some calls, went test driving with mom and becky (might get a scion pimp dawg!), robo from sax lessons, home, dinner with fam, kicked it with perry and jeff, went for a drive, now i'm home tlaking on the phone listening to a drone i'm rhyming make me stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.

hannah i will come to sc soon i promise!

this is a long entry but i'm bored and i could really care less.

for a long time i didn't write about certain things on this blog in great detail because it is rather public, but really, what do i care? i'm so open if you asked me about things i'd tell you anyway. this whole semester things with sloan have been bugging me. obviously, we broke up. while i was in utah this was fine because a relationship was a bit impossible and undeniably pointless considering the distance. but now i'm home. i dont know what i want to do about it. if i even want to do something about it. fact is, we cant and wont get back together. in an ideal world i guess we would but in an ideal world we wouldn't have any challenges so there you go. i dont want to get back together frankly. it was great while it lasted those whole two weeks of winter break but really...who are we kidding. the thing is: i dont know why i'm still so torn about it. we dont talk anymore really, i doubt we'll ever be friends at this point ( i saw him walking today out by EMP and my heart flipped out--i dont know why i do this either), i have no idea how he feels, does he want to be friends? does he want to know how i'm doing anymore? does he still care about me because hell i care about him. the whole deal just bothers me and i can't figure out why despite my efforts to. lack of closure perhaps, or the ambiguous future surrounding it, or both. i will be honest. sometimes i want to talk to him so badly. like something great will happen and i just want to tell him and only him because he was one of my best friends and i know that he will appreciate the story or whatever it is i want to tell him more than anyone else. but then i smile and sigh and remember "oh yeah. sloan hates you now" or whatever.

all i know is that i've found a great deal of self-control lately, and i've been able to overcome a lot of thoughts and emotions in the last little while using self-control alone. maybe that's all i need in this case too.

and as a disclaimer: i would like to say that i don't think about this very much, really only when i'm going to sleep, which might be why i can't get to sleep. but really, that's all.

love to all my playas in the pro. miss you. love you.

L.