Kim Gordon and The Arthur Doyle Hand Cream

i am beside myself right now. i'm going off some medicine and it's driving me crazy with side effects. i'm dizzy, i'm happy, i'm sad, i'm everywhere and nowhere all at once.

i guess you could say colin and i had a "fight" on friday. it wasn't really a fight though. anyway, he got mad at me for something HE is ashamed for. it's complex and awful and emotionally daunting. now i remember why i've avoided relationships for the past year. being single is just easier.

that being said i have no idea what to do. do i call him? do i wait for him to call me? to i act like it didn't happen? do i talk to him about my FEELINGS? do i do nothing? am i overreacting?

okay. i smell like bleach. i love that smell. the band's new name might be "the moon behind the mountain." court and i thought of it the other night and i really like it and so does she. it was one of those breakthrough moments when you cry with delight because you've discovered something so beautiful. we almost cried tears.

if i could weep right now i would, but i am otherwise too different.

i have school at 9 a.m. tomorrow. damn.

things could be worse.

moonchild

today was a good day for the most part. i had class at 9 and 10, so i went, and then i came home and took a nap. i made a sonic youth mix for barbie. then i ran errands for awhile. i went to savers and got two blouses and a jacket. one of the blouses is black with these weird leather patches on the shoulders and it has shoulder pads. the jacket is red wool with bright gold buttons on the cuffs. tres chic.

tonight i celebrated my thursday with britt and court. we went to stan's and got shakes. i miss my old friends, like perry, celeste, hannah, and bianca. i miss them. i just realized that.

my dad sent me a picture of me holding kimba when she was a few weeks old today. i look so awful in the picture, like a whale. i'm huge. i hope i don't look like that still. i'm really paranoid about it now.

i wish i were beautiful.

the band--we're not long creve coeur. we're nameless right now. one of the songs i wrote for us, it's so good now. i can't stand it. it is better than i imagined it. so in 4 practices we've learned and perfected 4 songs. that's talent right thurr.

i need to study cos i have a midterm tomorrow for newswriting, but i might just go to bed.

i hate when i have great days but the nights bum me out.

p.s. patrick and i hung out the other night and it was fun. we played bass and talked. ok goodnite.

Dirty Boots

today i spent my day doing something really weird. colin and i went up to the salt lake city cemetery to find this gravestone which reads: "Victim of the Beast 666." unfortunately, we didn't find it today, but i know it's there. sorta. we were looking for it for three hours. i have never spent that much time straight in a graveyard before. this one's spooky too; it's endless. thousands and thousands of people. i found some of my relatives there. it was a fun day.

patrick gave me his number the other day...rad? yes. he is a cool dood. i am excited to hang out with him more.

i talked to perry twice this weekend, on the phone. friday was his birthday. i miss that kid so much. he's really come into his own as a writer, as a person. he's great.

the band! my band. i wrote two songs this weekend. they're hella rad. (did i already talk about this?) our first name was isadora, but today colin thought of creve coeur, which means "broken heart" in francais. i DIG it man.

hunter s. thompson killed himself last night. rest in peace.

i would totally write more but i'm on a short, meaning i don't know what else to say really. but BYU's art scene sucks.

So uh...last night was really fun because, uh...I made out with a boy I've liked for a long time and he's liked me for a long time and uh, yeah. That's about it. But we are staying just friends, which I am happy about.

Yeah so, I play bass in a band now. We're called Isadora; it'll prob change though.

And I knit allllllllll the time. I'm working on a scarf and it's almost done.

So life is good out here in Provo. I'm having fun for the most part. I am glad I changed my major.

I might enter a dance competition at BYU. I could totally win it with my styling moves.

Yeah I don't really have anything to say. You've forgotten I'm boring.

I got a 64% on my Comms 101 test I took this morning. Yesssss.