does anyone read this anymore?

if anyone still reads this, email me at lisaruef@gmail.com. thanks. i'm not sure anyone does, and if no one does, that's great. i need to vent.

tonight was so weird. sara and i hung out with patrick and his friend justin, who apparently thought it was a double date, patrick and me, sara and justin. i was in a great mood earlier because band practice had been good, i got a B on my comms test, excellent considering i studied half an hour and never did any reading for the class, and gosh it was just a good day. i've been in a really great mood all week despite an F on my physical science test yesterday and a $100 parking ticket last night. things have been great.

but i get so awkward around patrick. am i supposed to like him? people seem to think i am. and i'm not really even awkward; i'm just not comfortable yet or something. he listens to rob zombie. ROB FREAKING ZOMBIE. i am trying to be open-minded about it, but i just cannot like someone who likes Rob Zombie. i am morally against it. i feel like i am supposed to like patrick. i just can't do it. few sparks. he likes things on the bass that i loathe--weird little effects made with a pedal. i'm a purest. i need the bass and the bass only. we are too different to be compatible. i think part of it is being in a group with him. i notice i am fine when i'm alone with patrick but not in a group.

it is raining right now. praise Allah; i love the rain.

i got the new bonnie prince billy/matt sweeny album yesterday. it's rad. and thank you brady.

i've lost my passion. do you remember when i loved living so much that i loved everyone and everything and every moment of every day? i felt like that a little bit this week. i mean that was the time of my life, when i was uninhibited and didn't care about the scene and my mind was beautiful. friendships were pure and love was my drug. i don't feel that anymore really, but i want to. passion for people and exuberance for enlightenment. my spirit is dead and i want it back please.

maybe i'm not hanging with the right friends. maybe someone has taken all my love so there's nothing left for anyone else (this might be true). or maybe that person who took all my love killed it. maybe it's locked in his heart. i wish that were true, despite his selfishness. at any rate, i gave it to him and he didn't want it so now i'm second best and he can't even be my friend without freaking out. i wish we were better communicators and i hate being so perceptive.

i saw the ring two with patrick et al. don't see it. it was awful. luckily i didn't pay for it because patrick is a gentleman (was it a date?--i hope not).

provo is not real. i meet so few real people in provo. at least i've found some of them; some people long to find them but haven't found any.

this week's goal: love again. also, stay for all of church tomorrow.