Love--it changes everything. (Hands and faces. Earth and sky).

Tonight I find myself regretting, something I don't often do.

I realized earlier today that I regret not majoring in music. I regret not practicing harder and pushing myself. I gave up on my talent. Sure, I still use it all the time, but I am so out of practice. I feel out of place and alien. Remember how Iris would always let me conduct the choir during rehearsal, and sometimes even during performances? Remember how Stephen Hatfield had so much faith in my potential and wrote that letter to the School of Music telling them why they had no choice but to let me in?

It feels like a different life. I remember those days with a fond indifference, meaning, I am not sure if I am still that person. I was so focused on that. I was so built up and confident. But you get rejected a few times and who wouldn't give up on themselves? I majored in something easy, my secret mistress, and now I feel just as unfocused about that as I do my music.

Please someone, find my confidence and give it back. It's been missing lately. I know--I will find it myself! By doing the things I love and know make me feel good because they make other people feel good too! That always works!

(Do you think it's funny how I start writing about my seemingly endless despair and then talk myself out of it by the end of the entry? I do).

Today Dante found out I'm leaving Reagan Academy. He bawled. He sobbed. He clung to me and wouldn't let go. We are going to e-mail each other until he forgets me.

A big rig passed me as I drove home tonight. This big rig was only the front though. Only the cab. Those always look so weird to me, like a headless horseman only reverse.

I am not sure why I do this, but sometimes when I'm around certain people I get shy and withdrawn. I guess you could say intimidated. I was once voted "Least Intimidating." I am not sure if this is still true. What I mean to say is that certain people intimidate me, and certain occurrences intimidate me. For example, I am increasingly intimidated by people who are predisposed to judge me (think about it and you can figure out who these people might be). I realized this today as I worked on my final intaglio print, which is all about my anxieties and trappings. Some highlights include: taxes, a 9 to 5, the boss man, failing myself and others, selfishness, the future, adult responsibility.

I am always surprised at how much more I still have to learn about myself, but I am rarely surprised with what I find.