Do you ever have those weeks when it's just better for you to not see anyone and stay inside or be alone? I am trying my hardest to stop this week that I speak of at tonight so I can continue my life the way I prefer it. Happy. Patient. Giving. Loving toward others. But you know I guess I can't be that way all the time.
I heard back from Teach For America. I am waitlisted, and I won't hear any further until April 19. The lengthy e-mail basically said, "We had a lot of applicants. We really like you. There aren't as many spots to fill this year. Just hang on because we're finding you a spot. We just don't have one for you...yet." Of course, Jeff is extremely optimistic as to what this means, and he would know because he's in TFA, and he said all the waitlisted kids got in last year. How dearly I appreciate him for this perspective. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't battling a smidge of hopelessness right now. (How pathetic. I really am anything but).
The ambiguity of the future that I've felt since I've been home has been alleviated significantly by starting a job. By applying for opportunities like TFA. By dating Jeff. By playing in a semi-defunct band with my best friends. By attending the temple weekly. I find that many things, no matter how important or insignificant, give me little reasons to be. Or not to be. That isn't my question.
Maybe I am just emotional because I'm tired and probably PMSing and that's the only reason why I'm feeling this way, because basically I have a major identity crisis once a month around this time. Ugh.
Yeah really, I just read over this blog post, and it's completely ridiculous. I can't believe I wrote it. It's all a lie except the part about PMSing. What is it about hormones that distorts reality so much?
I have an incredible life. I live in a great place, with a good job. I'm blessed in myriad ways.
Paul said it best: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed." I especially love these verses up until despair. I think that describes each day of mortality, as long as we love one another and do all that good stuff we know is right. There will be much uncertainty and much exploration, but we can be guided in what we do. Just keep going and everything falls in its place. Everything has its place and everything in its place, as Brother Wonka used to say.
I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Sweetheart.
P.S. Megan Stay, I've been thinking lately that I miss you a lot and I am going to come to Las Vegas to see you real soon.
Monday, March 08, 2010
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4 comments:
All women have the added struggle of hormonal roller coasting during the month, and each of us have our own ways to counteract or cope with it. I think, the best way that I cope with it is talking to other women consistently and also going for a walk or dancing it off. Paul, and also Nephi knew the sorrows of this world just as our Savior does, I really like reading their words when feeling overwhelmed. You are awesome and unique and powerful, do not give up hope! You will find the next path soon enough. Also, when I feel cranky I try to lose myself in doing something for someone else and then I forget about what a bad day I thought I was having in the first place, but you already know these things. Love you Lisa.
Brother Wonka. Hsawaknow.
Hmm that's quiet interessting but honestly i have a hard time determining it... wonder what others have to say..
Wow - cool on making the wait-list! I was listening to NPR on my way to work and they said that applications for Teach for America were up 30% this year from last year and that 2009 was up 40% from the year before, which is just insane.
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