Just do your best.

I can't believe this blog goes back to 2003. That's the year I graduated high school.

As I sit here, bored to high heaven here at work, I'm reading a few entries from August of that year, right before I left for BYU. It's so funny to read those, how I wrote back then, how I thought and what I thought about. I fought with my parents a lot then. Every entry mentions it!

So much of my life, I've felt like I don't fit in. This was largely true in high school, and true in college to an extent. I realize now that I'm older, that feeling has gone away. I guess because I don't care what people think of me anymore. Or maybe because I love myself the way I am. I know I have things to work on, but overall, I'm confident, maybe too confident, in who I am.

I've been thinking the past few days, why do people try to fit themselves into things they are not? Myself included in this question.

At the beginning of the year, I took a Kolbe test, which is designed to sum up how my brain functions. Mainly, how I accomplish tasks, how I like to work, how I work best, etc. I took a test analyzing myself, and one that analyzed my perception of my job and the type of work I do here.

Check out my results.

Exhibit A: The results for my brain.



Exhibit B: The results for what I perceive my job requires of me.



Interesting.

Tuesday I had a lengthy phone call with a guy from the Kolbe test company, who broke down for me a few things.

1. If my job isn't already creating high stress for me in my life, it will very soon, and I will neither excel at it nor will I be able to stick with it. Why? Because we are fundamentally wrong for each other.

This isn't news to me. Though the work I do is easy, it is BORING. It doesn't challenge me in any way, I rarely have deadlines, and there is only ONE WAY to complete most of the tasks I'm supposed to.

Counter this with how I like to work: with deadlines, freedom to invent my own way of doing things, loose guidelines, etc.

2. I should find a new job. Well, duh!

3. He recommended I implement a few work habits to maximize my efficiency. For example, find ways to increase risk in my job. Work on a project only until I start getting tired of it; then move onto something else. Don't plan, just improvise. Don't commit to too much, because committing to things will bring you stress. (This is true. Committing to go visiting teaching tonight is giving me anxiety! Not because of the teaching, but because of the commitment!)

4. He said that my whole life, people have probably been trying to break me of my current work habits, unsuccessfully. This is true. So he encouraged me to embrace them. (Take that, Mom and Dad!)

5. He was AMAZED that I can play the piano and sing and have taught myself to play various instruments over the years. He said normally someone with my Kolbe profile would be incapable of doing something like this, unless motivations to do so were very high. I would argue that my motivation to not be punished was high ;). I'm teasing. Music was ALL I wanted to do as a kid.

Overall, he was amazed that I've lasted in this job since August, and is wondering how much longer I'll last (me too). I keep this job out of necessity, because I need a job, I don't want to teach music full time, and I don't view it as a career path. I would teach music lessons as a career LONG before I ever stay an admin. Ugh. Even my job title makes me cringe.

Sometimes we fit ourselves where we don't belong because we feel like we have to. Most of time, our reason is probably not as good, or at least not as stupid. But we do it anyway.

Good news as of late: We have a family reunion in Branson, MO later in July. And then we are going to St. Louis for a few days to see BB's grandma and stomp my old grounds. I need a new swimsuit for Branson. Which do you like better?

Number one:



or number two?