Manifesto

I have oftentimes thought a lot of myself.

I have oftentimes not thought much of myself.

Sad to say that this is how most of us live our lives. Depending on the day, or the time of day for some of us women, we might absolutely loathe ourselves. It's in these times of the day that I'm grateful for my supportive and loving husband, but mostly grateful for my knowledge that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. This truth keeps me grounded in reality, in eternity. It gives me the self-worth I deserve.

I remember when I was about four years old, a close extended family member commented to my mom, "Well, at least you'll have one skinny daughter." At that young age, I knew who the thin one was, and it wasn't me. (My little sister was just a baby at the time). One may think I was too young to comprehend the meaning of the comment, or lacking mental maturity to feel hurt by it, but I was. The sting of that comment has faded in more recent years, but that comment set a pattern of off-and-on, secret self-loathing in my life.

My parents always tried to get me to lose weight. From elementary school, to junior high, through high school and college. They really tried everything. Bought me gym memberships, recommended crazy crash diets, told me they'd each pay me $5 per pound I lost, anything to get me to lose weight. I would try stupid diets like the "Lose 6 LBS in 3 Days," and I'd lose six pounds of water weight, and gain it all back since no one wants to eat canned beets and one piece of toast for breakfast. Gag me.

I hit puberty and was an automatic size ten. By high school I was a 12-14, and I stayed there for a long time. I remember one time, all my pants were too tight. Again. My mom bought me a new pair of cargo flared khakis from the Gap. They were cute. But she was so mad at me because I had to get a 14. I cried and cried about that. She was hemming the pants for me, they had been too long, so she tried them on to get a feel. They fell right off of her. She showed me how they fell right off. My dad was there. They both looked so disappointed in this fat, ugly daughter they had. At least that's how the whole ordeal, and many others like this, made me feel. I was raised in a loving home, don't get me wrong. I love my parents so much. They didn't know how to help me any more than I knew how to help myself, and I think their frustration with not knowing what to do came across as hatred to me. But it wasn't. They loved me and wanted me to feel good about myself physically. And no, I was never technically obese, and I've never been in the obese BMI range, but I've been close.

For 25 years I ate and lived self-destructively. I was raised with horrible eating patterns, like lots of Americans were. Even when I thought I was eating healthy, I wasn't really. Even when I picked up my level of exercise, it was nowhere near what it needed to be. I hated myself for a long time. I hated my body. Other times I loved my body, but for the most part, I saw myself as a fat pig. It is really sad for me to look back on certain journal entries, or even think about them, and recall the hatred I felt for myself. I loved myself, but I hated myself. I never let anyone know it. In fact, just the opposite, many people have told me how self-confident I come across, that they're envious of that. I don't think I knew any better back then. I didn't know how to fix myself.

The most I've ever weighed was pretty gross, in my mind. Not over 200, but I got close. That was a wake up call, getting home from my mission and seeing that number on the scale. I expected it though. I knew I'd gained, and I knew I had to lose it.

I started by doing "The Dr. Lewis Diet," a diet my dad's nutritionist "invented," and it's circulated through my family for the past few years. It consists of eight egg whites per day, three whey protein shakes, about 10 servings of vegetables and 5 of fruit, plus fish oil supplements. Doesn't sound too bad, right? It's not. But it's not the best for you, and it's definitely NOT sustainable as a way of life. Dr. Lewis himself doesn't recommend one eat like that for prolonged periods of time. It is only for weight loss. (Now I see the ludicrousness of diets geared only toward weight loss. Follow this diet for a few months, then give it up, only to return to your old habits and gain back the fat. This method can work, but it's not reliable long-term).

A little over a year ago, Jeff started Crossfit. He would go to the 5 am class, even right when we got married. I thought he was crazy. 5 am to workout?! He was sore ALL the time. He'd tell me what the workout was and I'd think, "Wow, that's impossible. My body is not capable of doing that." We ate fairly well, but we put on a little bit of weight after getting married. We put on even more over Christmas break. Jeff had mentioned doing a Whole30 (yeah right! I said. There was no way I'd give up grains and Diet Coke), so we settled on starting the Zone.

I started The Zone in January and did that pretty consistently until halfway through February. In those weeks I dropped 15 pounds. It was great! I kept going and lost a few more. Then we went to Costa Rica and ate too many cookies and too much comida typica (typical food in Costa Rica is black beans, white rice, plantain, veggies and meat. Carb overload. And the galletas didn't help either, but MAN were they good). We ate what we wanted the next month. Mostly paleo, sort of Zone, but not strict. Then we did our first Whole30 in May. It went great too! I loved it and really had never felt better. I also hit a weight I had not weighed since 8th grade. But Jeff and I crashed after that diet. We ate probably 80% paleo, but ate WAY too many treats. I made whole wheat bread a few too many times, we ate Tex Mex at least once a week, and I put on a few more pounds.

Now I'm three weeks in to Whole30 #2, and I weigh less than I did at the end of my last Whole30 (you're not supposed to weight or measure yourself during a Whole30, so call me a rebel). As I've mentioned before, my plan is to go Whole60, or all the way to Thanksgiving, which would be Whole78! Heck, who needs mashed potatoes and rolls on Thanksgiving?!

Over the past nine months, my body composition has changed considerably, but only while I ate clean. My muscle mass has increased exponentially. Who knew I could have a tight stomach? I sure didn't!

I know I talk about Crossfit and Paleo all the time lately, but I'm not sorry. I want you to understand what implementing these life style changes has meant for me. I don't see myself as quite the fatso I once was. My body isn't as useless as I thought it was when it comes to athletics. No, I'm not the fastest, or strongest, or leanest, but I'm much more of those things than I was. I still have more fat on my body than I want, and I'm still a size or two away from my ideal pant size, but I'm much closer than I ever have been in my life. I literally feel like a new woman. I have conquered physical fears and overcome those overwhelming demons of self-loathing. So much so that I'm writing about these dark experiences from my life, because they don't matter anymore. And this, to me, is absolutely priceless. Yeah, Crossfit is expensive. Eating paleo means nothing we buy is "cheap," but there is no price I could put on this knowledge and how it has empowered me by DOING something about it.

If anyone who's reading this has more questions about Crossfit, Paleo, the Whole30 or The Zone, e-mail me or leave me a comment with your e-mail. If you're doing the Whole30 soon (ahem, Laurie), I salute you! You will not regret it.

We are capable of anything! We are gifted with divine potential. Now GO live that up!