Hey blog

Long time, no blog.

It's been a busy year. Oscar is almost 14 months, crawling everywhere, standing everywhere, scared to walk. He eats anything and everything, usually, and is eating a ton. He's still a tiny guy. It's fun to watch this tiny little dude do all these big kid things. Plus he is the perfect size for holding.

Everyone says, "It's different when it's your own baby." Everyone is right. All those times I'd babysit as a kid and couldn't wait for the parents to get home, I don't really feel any of that with Oscar. I mean, sometimes I look forward to Jeff getting home, but mostly so we are all home together.

Adjusting to motherhood was really difficult for me. I fell into patterns of crippling anxiety, couldn't sleep, and ended up getting on meds. It was the right decision for me. Within days, I felt almost like myself again. I'll start weaning off of them soon. I hope it goes well.

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned since becoming a mother is to accept myself for who I am and focus on what is truly important. There are times I really don't want to do all the mom stuff, and that's okay. I weigh more right now than I have, perhaps ever, and that's okay. I'm not perfect, and I don't really try to be, but I do my best and accept that as enough.

I feel the urge to post again today. Something has been on my mind a lot lately.

I've had a good number of friends leave the LDS church in the past few years; or, if they haven't left, they are deeply conflicted by their membership in the church.

I get it. I am young women's president in my ward. I hate that anytime babysitting is needed, the young women are immediately volunteered by our Relief Society president. I hate that the Boy Scout budget is bigger than ours. I hate that church is the one place in my girls' lives where they will be told they can't do something a boy can do. I understand why, but I still don't like it.

I also don't like that the children of gay parents can't be baptized. I've thought about this in many different ways, from many different aspects. In some situations I can see how it would cause the child to be in conflict with his or her parents, and that it could create tension and discord in the home. I am not in favor of that. But overall, I am not at peace with the policy, I do not like it, and I mourn with those who are affected by it. I am sorry you are hurting.

What I do like are the doctrines of the church. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. I love my Heavenly Parents. I love the light of the gospel, the light of the Holy Ghost as He speaks to my soul, and I love serving others.

A few weeks ago, my old journalism professor linked on Facebook to a letter to the editor he'd had published in the Salt Lake Tribune. His letter was about how the Trib unfairly references the LDS church with sarcasm and disdain, even when the church has done something good. I began reading the comments to his letter. One man commented that church members are really good at serving others, but only when they've been asked to do so by a leader.

He is completely accurate in saying that. It's not true of all church members, but it's largely true. We serve when we are asked to. How many of us were doing anything to help refugees before it was asked of us in conference? Jeff and I sent a baby carrier to a group that gives baby carriers to Syrian refugees as they arrive in Greece. But that's all we've done. I hadn't looked into anything local until after this last General Conference. Now our young women are collecting goods to bring to Interfaith Ministries of Greater Houston, which has been collecting housewares for refugee homes for months. I've decided 2017 is going to be our year of service. Each girl will pick some kind of service they want to do, whether it's for a family, an organization, whatever, and we will all support her in it.

I don't want to be a Christian, let alone a person, who just sits back and waits for opportunities to come to me.

My baby boy

Life has sure been crazy these past nine or so months. Oscar came home from the hospital on January 11, yes, the same day David Bowie died. Definitely no coincidence.

Crazy to me how he's grown. He now weighs right around 13 lbs and is almost 24 inches long. He seems huge. I was at my friend's house the other day with her and her 8-lb twins. Oscar looks gigantic compared to them. It's difficult to remember just how small he was, the size of a squirrel at first, maybe even smaller, and then a small puppy, and then a bag of rice, etc. His growth is astounding to me.

Oscar smiles now, he giggles, he holds his head up (for the most part), and sometimes (rarely) he remembers he knows how to roll from tummy to back. He eats a ton, he sleeps through the night, he LOVES being held and being with people.

We've been taking him to church for almost two months, and he does great. He basically sleeps the whole time in our solly baby wrap. If he's not asleep, he is very content to people watch.

Jeff and I are amazed by him, his growth and his health. He is a very healthy boy. Every doctor we've seen has commented on how rare he is, to be born at 26 weeks and have no problems. None at all. His only doctor is his pediatrician. We haven't had to see any specialists since his first month home, before he came off home oxygen.

Some things haven't worked out like we planned. I thought we'd co-sleep, and that was awful for us. I thought we'd nurse, but it was causing me a lot of anxiety to not know how much he was eating (so I'm still pumping, which is another story). I thought I'd never give my baby formula, but like many moms of micro preemies I don't make enough milk for him, and he had tons of formula in the NICU to help him grow. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that life hasn't looked like we'd planned, but it doesn't really matter. We have a healthy, happy, sweet, calm baby boy who loves being alive.

I never knew my heart was capable of this kind of love. But oh, I am so glad it is.