I of the Mourning

So BYU is getting better. I've made so many new friends. Last night i met this guy named matt who looks like a cuter Rivers Cuomo...but i didn't get him number. i am so mad at myself./ he was so cute!!! but tom thought i'd see him again...hopefully i will. today i met these cool guys in my ward, Dan and Anders, they're cousins,Anders is from Palo Alto! REpresentin the BAy area fo shizzle dizzle. chilled with regan's (my new best guy friend of all time) high school friends the other night...they are so cool. so is regan. we love all the same music. this girl lindsay across the hall is way cool too, like my new homie. then today at church i met a lot of cool people too...so things are working out now and i like it here. waiting for becky cuz she needs to use my comp. whatev, gtg, later.

It's been a long time...

since i last wrote. sorry. but college preparations consumed my thoughts all last week. anway...i'm sitting alone in my room right now, listening to radiohead who're playing tonight about 15 minutes away from me. and then everyone is at the football game which i needed a pass for but didn't get since i didn't know where to get it. so now i'll be alone til maybe 10, 11 tonight? joy. that's okay though i guess. i'm having a bit of a hard time here since i inherently hate utah so much, and i need to unpack. who knows when i wouldve finally gotten around to it had i gone to the game. okay, now i'm making excuses for why i'm alone. but oh well man. like i just need some alone time i guess. i need to find my music people - like FAST. i'm already sick of this place. i'm sick of it all. i want to transfer to UCSF!!! haha, first day and i already dont like it. well i'll give it a chance at least. later.

karma police

today was my last day babysitting ryan and dilly. too bad ryan has every means of contact to me, i.e. AIM sn, email, both phone #s...sheesh. I got my new laptop last night. It ROCKS - typing on it now, though i think i might get a wireless mouse and keyboard to ease my hands. i have little to say, except that i sold about 25 cds at rasputin's today and only got 23 bucks for them all. rip off. but there are some dvds and cds i want before i take off, so i guess it works out all right.

Ladies Man

Yesterday at church Tom said, "Call me when you're done with dinner so we can chill." I said, "Yeah, okay." So I call him but he's taking out trash with his dad and says he'll call back in a few minutes. An hour and a half went by and he hadn't called. I went downstairs and told Robert we were going to feed the ducks. No sooner had I stepped out of the car did my phone ringeth. Tom came to the park with Robert and I. Here's the thing: if you don't call when you say you're going to call, and then let an hour-and-a-half pass I'm going to do something without you. I get all riled up anticipating an outing, and then I get flaked on for a little bit. I hope he wasn't offended at all, I don't think he was, I just hate waiting. My mom is stupid sometimes. She just walked by and got pissed at me for "talking to someone."
"I'm writing in my blog, mom."
"What's a BLOG?"
"An online journal."
Type type type My mom is stupid sometimes.
Ek. Welcome to my wonderful homelife.
I'm being forced to walk my dog, who's currently sleeping. Stupidity at its finest.

James Iha sucks

Things with my parents are looking up today. I tell ya: this past week has been the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. But church was good because I saw Tom and talked to him a lot face to face. We're kicking it tonight, and tomorrow night, and probably every night because he has nothing to do until he leaves for school. I'm excited though. It was weird today, like seeing and talking to him face to face, but it will get better soon. Perry called me during church today. My phone was on vibrate, but it was vibrating rather loudly (at least it seemed loud in a silent room!). It was like 3 o'clock and he had just woken up...hahhaa. I'm going to miss Perry so much though. He's become a rather good friend. Whatev man, whatev. Too many good friends after this summer. Not enough heart to leave with all of them.

Pissant

Life has hit an all-time low. Things were looking up until today at the garage sale my mom duked it out over the price of some boots I was selling for 7. Hello MOM< REAL LEATHER! I told the lady I'd take them for 6, my mom said I'd take them for 5. Excuse me mom, but i'm pretty sure those were my boots, NOT yours. Even Helen got pissed at my mom. So uncalled for. Then I sold this bracelet she gave me a long time ago for 3 dollars. Turns out it was 14 kt. gold and a college graduation gift from my mom's mom to my mom. I didn't know man! She has no justification for getting pissed at me when i had no idea where that thing came from. granted the thing meant a lot to her, but it meant nothing to me and i didn't know, or else i wouldn't have sold it. point being: i hate being at home, i want to get out of here forever man. so look man, i'd love to keep writing but i just dont care anymore.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Everything's going a bit more smoothly with my parents. My mom seems to have put it behind her; my dad is going through horrible separation anxiety, and though he's upset I lied to him, he's cherishing the short time we have left together. GARAGE SALE TOMORROW, 8-2 pm, MY HOUSE 200 CHEVAL LANE!!! COME AND GET SOME NEW DUDS FOR SCHOOL! Okay, enough plugging the garage sale...I need to go finish pricing ;) Tom came home yesterday and I need to call him. Nothing else worth saying...except that I am SO over you-know-who, the jerk.

Double Trouble

My parents found out about my party last night, right after I got home from Best Buy where my dad was about to drop $1800.00 on my new laptop. The day my parents left I looked my dad in the eye and told him I wasn't going to have anyone over, full well knowing that come that Tuesday night my backyard would become the stage for Hagen. My dad is really upset because he thought that out of all the kids in my fam he could trust me. ME. And then I "lied" to him (I didn't see it as lying though, I saw it as not telling him...wait that IS a lie) about having people over. But having a party when your parents are gone is a teenage rite of passage - it's something I was so compelled to do, I didn't care of the consequences. Sadly, even though my dad is completely crushed, I'm not sure if I DO care. I see myself as an adult who can make their own choices and suffer through their mistakes, an adult whose parents have taught them all they need to know. I'm trying so hard to break away and not need my parents anymore; this was an attempt at that. My dad sees it as blatant rebellion to his orders, as deliberate disobeying of his rules and wishes. I saw it as an adventure and a mission, like "I HAVE TO DO THIS!" I did it. Was it worth it? That night yeah, Hagen ROCKED! They blew the roof off the sky! They woke up the sun and almost made it daylight again!! But now? Well, I did what I set out to do, I accomplished my goal, but I hurt my dad in the process and lost his trust. He came in my room last night at like 1:00 and said, "I still love you Lisa," gave me a hug and all that. I still love you too Dad, this wasn't any indication of other feelings. It was something I HAD to do! He needs to understand that. Sure it wasn't the best thing to Have to do, but it was a great thing! Not many regrets really...except now I'm probably not getting the laptop I wanted... :( Life was already hell here anyway, Becky and I leaving for college and all...separation anxiety, you know. I got two good songs out of it though!

Spontanaeity

Today Beth and I went to the beach. You know, the one in Pacifica with the Taco Bell. It was fun, talking to her again. Some people I just start missing too much, like Beth. We're great friends, she's one of my truest, and I'm going to miss her as we trot off to schools thousands of miles away in two weeks. Of course, there's always email and AIM. And Bianca. Ah Bianca. Haven't had good quality time with her in a long time. Went to Da Lat, Bed Bath and Beyond, and then Ross where I purchased a wonderful black skirt with pink polka dots. Should go perfectly with my sexy black heels ;) And then there's Perry. Ah Perry. That kid messes up his life so badly sometimes. But he's a good kid with a good heart, and I think he just needs someone to see that sometimes, to see that underneath all the drinking and faces he's just a young, depressed, vulnerable kid who needs a good friend once in a while. And I hope I am that for him and that we can continue our late night walks into trouble...hahahaha. And I hope he didn't get in too much trouble with his parents, but I'm pretty sure he's getting an extensive and unnecessary "yelling at" as I type this. But this is how teenagehood goes. Nothing harmful transpired - it's just the fact he was doing something (i.e. out for a walk in the dead of night) that is undesirable in society's eyes. But it's late and I'm going to go to bed and think.

Welcome to the jungle

The little shindig went over well, largely to the superior performance of Hagen. www.hagenmusic.com They are really REALLY good. A little shaky at times, but hey, even the best bands make mistakes. Zak ran into my screen door going into the backyard, but he at least didn't punch a hole. Oh wait, Hannah ran into the screen door too, but she DID punch a hole! HAHahahahaha. NAh, it was funny, I really don't care, I just have to make up an excuse or get it replaced before my parents come home tomorrow...EEK! But overall it was djali good fun. Wish Celeste could've been there, but she was gone camping :( Going to the beach with Beth-san today - YAY! I haven't been to the beach in a long time, like a few months and that's a long time for me. Man, I'm so tired. Didn't go to bed til about 1 last night, but then I woke up at 7 this morning. Bleh. Maybe I can nap on the beach yo. Something still hurts too. Like I think I'm over it, but then I start thinking about it and him again and I just start crying. It hurts man, it never goes away. But I think I'll be okay eventually. TOM COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!!!

Come sail away

Just found out that Paz left Zwan to "pursue other interests." I feel utterly betrayed :(

Tu dis rien

Ah, got this CD Saturday at Amoeba. Louise Attaque. A French band whose albums are rarely on this side of the Atlantic. I don't have anything else to say really. Wait, I do. I was going to go to chorus camp with Beth on Wednesday and then up to Yosemite to hike around. With my parents out of town, I could've just gone without asking them, and they most likely would've never found out. But instead, I asked them, and they said no. I'm pissed. And they're being unreasonable.

Criminal

My brother tried to hack into my blog today. Almost succeeded too, until I walked in the room, catching him in mid-click. Im pretty excited and happy to be getting out of here - my whole family is on the fritz. Dad has raised his normal vocal level to about a 9 (on a scale of 1 to 10, mind you), Mom grinds her teeth during the night causing extreme jaw pain and paralyzing numbness, Robert's acting like a Zen Buddhist prophet, Katie's obsessing over nothing and everything at the same time, Michael, well Michael's so happy-go-lucky he doesn't even notice anything's wrong, and Becky and I are just sitting back, endlessly waiting for the 27th when we're driving back to school. Got a skull and crossbones ring yesterday. Way cool. Man, my cover almost got blown on Yosemite with Beth this Wednesday today at church. Maybe I should just ask my mom if I can go; that might be the best thing even though I'm scared stiff she'll say no. But I haven't been out of the Bay Area ALL SUMMER AND I'M GOING CRAZY MAN!!! CABIN FEVER AT IT'S WORST!!! So man, I don't know what else to talk about except that Helen's pissed at me for bailing on her Wednesday for Beth. I think I said this is yesterday's entry, but man when I write so late at night I can't remember right from left and all that. So forgive me. Man I'm going to bed.

And one for the road...

thought bubbles linger out of my head like scorpions
let's throw out some years and regroup
you blossom and circle feline before me
slow down, take a breath, you're getting nervous
there's only your voice on my ears and there's nowhere I have to be

Rivers We Can't Cross

Got new tires put on my mom's car this morning. Rudely awoken by my father at 6:30, fell asleep, rudely re-awoken half and hour later. Spent two and a half hours waiting at the tire place for them to finish. Hell smells like rubber - I know from experience. Chilled on Telegraph with Zak and his summer school friend Jessica. I like meeting new people. Met up with with Coty and Perry there. They act like junkies. Smoke a lot of cigs. I don't like it when Perry smokes around me. Well, I don't like it in general, but especially not around me. Sat on the corner outside Amoeba with him for awhile as people passed by wondering if we had smokes. He did, but I guess they're hard to get ahold of when you look like a teddy bear. Zak dealt various grunts and words in my direction, obviously uncomfortable with the "squatting" situation. Perceptiveness aside, I picked up on it. After about the tenth "Well okay" on his part, we left, one record and two cd's richer. "Gish" on vinyl for him, a Louise Attaque and Elastica album for me. Dinner came soon - 6 o'clock - new neighbors came over for tri-tip and refreshingly organic fruit salad. Supposed to chizill with Hizelen tonight, but to no avail - I bailed on her for Chinatown Wednesday, she bailed on me tonight. Hopefully we're even as I'm not too good at catch. Spent the night playing bass and guitar (both electric and acoustic), contemplating the drawings that found me on the bottom of the pool table, and watching design shows on TV, my favorite way to be lazy and get good design ideas at the same time. I feel distance between me and old friends now, even between new friends. But one is silver and the other gold, so time will heal. Fame is on its way - I can feel it. Church tomorrow, singing with Dad, Katie, Mel, Katie P, and Bishop. Becky on piano. Should be nice. I hate sentimentalities like saying goodbye. So I won't. Left-hand fingers callousing from playing bass already, shouldn't be long until it doesn't hurt anymore. Lost my book "Road Fever." Started reading Camus' "The Rebel" only to realize it's a 300+ page essay about rebellion. Interesting for the first 14 pages, but dulled quickly. But I read it at the tire store, so maybe it was the rubbery fumes of hell clouding my thoughts. Tom comes home Thursday. Heartbreak ends never, even though it's been a few weeks. I need to give him his CD back, but I'm scared because I know all the therapy will go to waste and I'll break down anyway, whether in his presence or elsewhere. Stream-of-consciousness junkie.

Tear

Alright Zak and I were talking about this song earlier, so I decided to title this entry that. Here's the deal: I think I've finally found a fav band. OH MY GOSH! CRIMINAL! Yes, it is a little bit, but The Smashing Pumpkins are almost def my fav band. And Zwan too, but I haven't heard enough of their material to make a sound opinion on their placement in my "tier of fav bands." Man, I hate it how some people just won't leave me alone online, talking about stupid stuff that I don't care about...man. I just listen because I know how much it hurts when I tell people important things and they don't care. So I persevere and endure the mindless babbling, but shoot it gets annoying really fast. My brother has hobbit feet. I feel like watching Fellowship. I'm going to miss these people here so much, but man I can't wait to leave for school. It's so soon I can't stand it man! so tonight perry calls about kicking it tomorrow and he says he's going ot take bart becase he has other friends coming, but shoot perry! if i wanted to hang with your other friends i would've called them up and asked them to chill instead of you! I want to chill with you dumbo that's why i asked you! bah! he frustrates me. he's smoking himself stupid man, drinking his liver away. i don't think he realizes how much crap he's into. he blames it on jazz - that the jazz culture and lifestyle "made" him do it. oh yeah man, i dig that for sure. just like my mormon culture "made" me go to byu, live a completely mormon life. yeah, no free agency in that choice at all. give me a break. i'm going to yell at him when he calls tomorrow.

The Everlasting Gaze

So tonight I chilled with Bea and Celeste,and I know they will read this, but I honestly feel so distant from them both now., They're always off hanging out together and I guess I feel left out. But that's how it's always been - they always call one another to chill and I chill with other friends. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but when we're supposed to be best friends. And I'm leaving SO SOON, but we've made no plans to chill... I don't know, I'm prob flipping out over nothing, but it just hurts a bit that I don't know what's going on in their lives at all. "And so begins the end," says Gandalf. It's kind of true, too. I hardly talk to Bea anymore, Celeste is always distant when I'm talking to her online. It hurts. Life has been really hard for me lately, emotionally at least, and this old life of mind is ending. I don't want our friendships to end with it, but man I just don't know. That's enough crying.

Galapogos

This a good Pumpkins song, though my current fav is "Stand Inside Your Love" off Machina. My roommate emailed me last night - yay! She's from Hawaii - way cool - it calmed my fears about having a dreadful roommate. I figure if she's from Hawaii she's at least a little bit cool. She wrote in the subject box: "Aloha to my roommate!" - which I found cool. She's a lot like me already: overtly enthusiastic, one of five kids, light brown hair and green eyes (though my hair is currently a coppery red), neither of us have really close friends going to BYU, although I have Becky and Tom (who's coming home a week from today!)...So I'm actually excited for school now. I cleaned out my dresser AND closet yesterday, a world record for me as I rarely clean anything, let alone an entire dresser and closet. The Garage Sale is next Friday and Saturday and Helen and I are way excited. We both have so much stuff man. I've got four bags of clothes and 11 pairs of shoes, not to mention another bag full of flip-flops and purses. Woo hoo. Will be rolling in dough soon hopefully. Alright, I need to go start my day.

Try Try Try

But only doing counts. I am so excited for school now. I was so scared about my roommate, but she's from HAWAII!! Huzzah! She has to be at least moderately cool if she's from Hawaii. And as long as she likes the Smashing Pumpkins I think we'll be okay ::wink wink::. Oh man, I am so frickin relieved. This was my only fear about going to school, and now I'm cured of my sickness. Okay. Not much else to talk about. That was the highlight of my day, sadly. But I need to go college shopping again, finish getting my storage items and all that; however, my beloved Leo (a.k.a. The Tank) is in the shop getting its transmission juices changed, but I should have it back in an hour or so. Phew! I am so relieved! Billy Forever!

Stand Inside Your Love

This is my current fav Pumpkins song. Man, the lyrics are awesome. So's the vid. Today I turned on the vid and the song on my stereo at the same time, but the TV was a split-second after the stereo so the song echoed through my room. Man it was awesome. I had something meaningful to write tonight. Oh yeah. Today Perry came over for a little while. It was good to see the kid, but man he's smoking himself retarded. I knew he had smoked on the way over to my house; he wreaked of it. But then he denied it when I called him on it. Perry man, you are wasting away your life. You are too good of a kid, too good of a person, you have too much of a good brain and talent to waste your cells smoking and drinking. Man I just hate seeing people I care about self-destruct. He blames it on jazz. That whole group is so image-conscious, always worried what the other kid is going to think, you know? So juvenile, so opposite of what they preach. They say, "Be yourself, dress how you feel, shop wherever you want," but then they turn around and yell at yuppies, spend hours planning out what's cool enough to wear. I don't get it man. I've never understood that group; that's probably why I never became a part of them even though we would've gotten along, you know? I can't deal with all that crap. And I can't deal with sleepdrunkeness, so I'm going to bed now.