The Way I Feel Inside

I have led two, passionless years of existence. I loved Sloan. I loved him in a way that redefined love. I am home for Thanksgiving, I am discontent, I am restless. I am sick of nothing being good enough.

My ex-boyfriend from the summer, Ryan, called me tonight. What do I do with that? I don't care about you like that anymore. You loved me and I did not love you. I am sorry because I don't think we can ever be friends, unless you are already over me and in that case you were not in love with me. You have life in you, incredibly passionate. I am sick of you not being good enough.

And Richard who I am "pseudo-dating" in Provo. Why can't I be like you? You don't care about anything. Politics, music, film--you like everything except for country and rap. You have no political affiliation, no passion. You are the most content man I've ever met.

I am sick of no one being good enough to take his place.

I am ready to love. Really, really ready. I want someone good enough to make me forget Sloan even exists. I want to remember how I felt and I want someone to blow that out of the water. I want to meet you and your parents and not look back. I am crying. I am alone.

let's have a war

I'm trying to find inspiration for my personal narrative, rough draft due tomorrow, and I want it to be good. Damn good. I just read through a bunch of old blogs to find inspiration and Whoa Man. WHOA. So crazy to see the difference in my mood between October 2003 to April 2004. It's a long roadtrip of happiness until January '04 and then CRASH!, I've driven past the Cliff House and into the ocean. I really loved that guy, that Sloan. It's good to remember once in awhile so I don't forget how to, you know? I mean I've cared about people since then, but nothing like that, not even close. In fact I ended a relationship this summer because of that, because even though he was good it was so far from Sloan that it wasn't even worth it to me. Now I don't even talk to summer guy anymore and I broke his heart and I hate myself for it. But if love's not there, there is no point in staying. I still have no idea what to write about. Rick thinks I should write about our camping trip a few weekends ago; I'm afraid it's cliche. "I love my friends. They are sooooooooo great. We do stuff together all the time. For example, one time Rick, Capree and I went camping up the canyon. It was so fun because we made s'mores and it rained and we picked wildflowers and peed in the grass." Nuh uh man. No freaking way. It is still too fresh to have learned anything from it other than I have two lifelong friends because of it. That is all. I need to start writing it nowwwwwwwww. I <3>

looks like I'm on the right path...

Outgoing (E) 65.71% Withdrawn (I) 34.29% Imaginative (N) 60% Realistic (S) 40% Emotional (F) 62.07% Intellectual (T) 37.93% Improvised (P) 65.71% Organized (J) 34.29% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

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Happy

Yeah, so what? I'm happy. I've been happy for awhile.

Things are good. Friendships are great. I am going to miss my friends so much this summer, everyone. Especially the Midnight Movie gang and Colin. Especially the "real" people.

I am working as a nanny this summer for a family of two kids although I'll mainly only take care of the younger one who is 14 months old. I am excited. It could potentially be boring, but I think I'll be okay. It is better than working in a bank, better than the parking booth, maybe better than the Florist but I doubt it because few things beat working with fresh and exotic flowers all day.

I have so much I want to talk about and so much I need to say but I don't know how to do it. There's so much I want to know but Patience wants me to wait.

I sold my housing contract for spring/summer. Next year my house has a porch and I am so excited to perch on the porch and have porch pizza parties. yay.

okay i am working on a final and i should really go finish it now.

<3>

i'm discontent

it's been a long time since i haven't used a song title as my blog entry title.

i'm randomly upset because of discontention. okay? i'm going home in less than two weeks. no friends. no fun. i am, however, looking forward to meeting new people. but i don't want to have to prove myself to anyone. i just want to be accepted without a fight, without an initiation.

today i saw amanda. things are going haywire with her family. i think i was supposed to see her because she told me she felt the same way. way to point out the obvious, lisa.

i'm going to be a writer and i don't think i'm good.

my band's first show was saturday night. it went really well. www.myspace.com/nananoir
check us out.

does anyone read this anymore?

if anyone still reads this, email me at lisaruef@gmail.com. thanks. i'm not sure anyone does, and if no one does, that's great. i need to vent.

tonight was so weird. sara and i hung out with patrick and his friend justin, who apparently thought it was a double date, patrick and me, sara and justin. i was in a great mood earlier because band practice had been good, i got a B on my comms test, excellent considering i studied half an hour and never did any reading for the class, and gosh it was just a good day. i've been in a really great mood all week despite an F on my physical science test yesterday and a $100 parking ticket last night. things have been great.

but i get so awkward around patrick. am i supposed to like him? people seem to think i am. and i'm not really even awkward; i'm just not comfortable yet or something. he listens to rob zombie. ROB FREAKING ZOMBIE. i am trying to be open-minded about it, but i just cannot like someone who likes Rob Zombie. i am morally against it. i feel like i am supposed to like patrick. i just can't do it. few sparks. he likes things on the bass that i loathe--weird little effects made with a pedal. i'm a purest. i need the bass and the bass only. we are too different to be compatible. i think part of it is being in a group with him. i notice i am fine when i'm alone with patrick but not in a group.

it is raining right now. praise Allah; i love the rain.

i got the new bonnie prince billy/matt sweeny album yesterday. it's rad. and thank you brady.

i've lost my passion. do you remember when i loved living so much that i loved everyone and everything and every moment of every day? i felt like that a little bit this week. i mean that was the time of my life, when i was uninhibited and didn't care about the scene and my mind was beautiful. friendships were pure and love was my drug. i don't feel that anymore really, but i want to. passion for people and exuberance for enlightenment. my spirit is dead and i want it back please.

maybe i'm not hanging with the right friends. maybe someone has taken all my love so there's nothing left for anyone else (this might be true). or maybe that person who took all my love killed it. maybe it's locked in his heart. i wish that were true, despite his selfishness. at any rate, i gave it to him and he didn't want it so now i'm second best and he can't even be my friend without freaking out. i wish we were better communicators and i hate being so perceptive.

i saw the ring two with patrick et al. don't see it. it was awful. luckily i didn't pay for it because patrick is a gentleman (was it a date?--i hope not).

provo is not real. i meet so few real people in provo. at least i've found some of them; some people long to find them but haven't found any.

this week's goal: love again. also, stay for all of church tomorrow.

star radio

A - AGE: 19-and-a-half
B - BAND LISTENING TO MOST RECENTLY: m83, the electronic tomato, my band (no name)
C - CELEBRITY CRUSH: David Bowie and John Cusack
D - DAD'S NAME: Charles
E - EASIEST PERSON(S) TO TALK TO: Celeste or Sara
F - FAVE BAND/SINGER: right now, me <3
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS : Gummy Bears all the way
H - HOMETOWN: Walnut Creek, CA.
I - INSTRUMENT: bass, piano, vocals, guitar, sax.
K - KIDS: maybe in a few years, after i'm married
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Cali to Utah
M - MUM'S NAME: Jane
N - NUMBER OF FINGERS: ten
O - ONE WISH: equal distribution of the world's resources.
P - PHOBIA(S): the dark
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE: "I realized by using the high notes of the chords as a melodic line, and by the right harmonic progression, I could play what I heard inside me. That's when I was born." --Charlie Parker
R - REASON TO SMILE: my doggie Kimba
S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: my song, it's called "Slugger"
T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: varies daily, generally around 10 a.m. weekdays
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME : I love classic Volvos.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE : peas
W - WORST HABIT(S): finishing people's sentences when they lose their train of thought. it's a bad habit, but i generally finish them correctly because i'm FUNNY like that.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: dentist and my wrist when i thought i broke it in 5th grade.
Y - YUMMY FOOD: Bajio, Thai Chili Garden, Thai Pepper, Demae, most things that involve chopsticks
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo

Kim Gordon and The Arthur Doyle Hand Cream

i am beside myself right now. i'm going off some medicine and it's driving me crazy with side effects. i'm dizzy, i'm happy, i'm sad, i'm everywhere and nowhere all at once.

i guess you could say colin and i had a "fight" on friday. it wasn't really a fight though. anyway, he got mad at me for something HE is ashamed for. it's complex and awful and emotionally daunting. now i remember why i've avoided relationships for the past year. being single is just easier.

that being said i have no idea what to do. do i call him? do i wait for him to call me? to i act like it didn't happen? do i talk to him about my FEELINGS? do i do nothing? am i overreacting?

okay. i smell like bleach. i love that smell. the band's new name might be "the moon behind the mountain." court and i thought of it the other night and i really like it and so does she. it was one of those breakthrough moments when you cry with delight because you've discovered something so beautiful. we almost cried tears.

if i could weep right now i would, but i am otherwise too different.

i have school at 9 a.m. tomorrow. damn.

things could be worse.

moonchild

today was a good day for the most part. i had class at 9 and 10, so i went, and then i came home and took a nap. i made a sonic youth mix for barbie. then i ran errands for awhile. i went to savers and got two blouses and a jacket. one of the blouses is black with these weird leather patches on the shoulders and it has shoulder pads. the jacket is red wool with bright gold buttons on the cuffs. tres chic.

tonight i celebrated my thursday with britt and court. we went to stan's and got shakes. i miss my old friends, like perry, celeste, hannah, and bianca. i miss them. i just realized that.

my dad sent me a picture of me holding kimba when she was a few weeks old today. i look so awful in the picture, like a whale. i'm huge. i hope i don't look like that still. i'm really paranoid about it now.

i wish i were beautiful.

the band--we're not long creve coeur. we're nameless right now. one of the songs i wrote for us, it's so good now. i can't stand it. it is better than i imagined it. so in 4 practices we've learned and perfected 4 songs. that's talent right thurr.

i need to study cos i have a midterm tomorrow for newswriting, but i might just go to bed.

i hate when i have great days but the nights bum me out.

p.s. patrick and i hung out the other night and it was fun. we played bass and talked. ok goodnite.

Dirty Boots

today i spent my day doing something really weird. colin and i went up to the salt lake city cemetery to find this gravestone which reads: "Victim of the Beast 666." unfortunately, we didn't find it today, but i know it's there. sorta. we were looking for it for three hours. i have never spent that much time straight in a graveyard before. this one's spooky too; it's endless. thousands and thousands of people. i found some of my relatives there. it was a fun day.

patrick gave me his number the other day...rad? yes. he is a cool dood. i am excited to hang out with him more.

i talked to perry twice this weekend, on the phone. friday was his birthday. i miss that kid so much. he's really come into his own as a writer, as a person. he's great.

the band! my band. i wrote two songs this weekend. they're hella rad. (did i already talk about this?) our first name was isadora, but today colin thought of creve coeur, which means "broken heart" in francais. i DIG it man.

hunter s. thompson killed himself last night. rest in peace.

i would totally write more but i'm on a short, meaning i don't know what else to say really. but BYU's art scene sucks.

So uh...last night was really fun because, uh...I made out with a boy I've liked for a long time and he's liked me for a long time and uh, yeah. That's about it. But we are staying just friends, which I am happy about.

Yeah so, I play bass in a band now. We're called Isadora; it'll prob change though.

And I knit allllllllll the time. I'm working on a scarf and it's almost done.

So life is good out here in Provo. I'm having fun for the most part. I am glad I changed my major.

I might enter a dance competition at BYU. I could totally win it with my styling moves.

Yeah I don't really have anything to say. You've forgotten I'm boring.

I got a 64% on my Comms 101 test I took this morning. Yesssss.

pine box

alright so i just re-read my last entry and i made it sound like i was in love with sloan still. for the record, i am most definitely not. i just miss being in love. that's what i meant.

okay. so things are going insanely well here. i switched my major to communications (either print or broadcast journalism) and i am psyched. my comms classes are so easy. it is the right choice, i am convinced. i will still probably minor in music...either that or visual art or film or advertising design...not sure yet.

next. i am playing bass like a mo fo now. it is rad. chris entrusted his bass to me while he's in hong kong for two years. ernie ball musicman babeh. talk about a beautiful instrument.

i am getting a mullet on tuesday. a hip mullet. it is gonna be hott.

this week is the sundance film festival up in park city. i hung out up there last night but only saw rider strong (shawn on boy meets world). i talked to him though and he was tyte.

went to vegas last weekend with lamia and jessica. so much fun. just a great trip.

so i've realized lately that i judge people too much. i really do. i used to smile so much and be so happy. i don't remember why i stopped doing that; just broke the habit or something. anyway, i'm starting again and i really feel super.

i've written some songs lately. i like 'em.

anyway...i'm out. much love and peace yizzo.

burgundy baroness.

staralfur

i tried to stop taking my medicine. now i'm really depressed so i'm going to start taking it again. and i'm going to the health center and demanding an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my prescription renewed. or an appointment with a doctor or something. i just need more.

i hate this year. i hate thinking of sloan and being so in love with him. i hate knowing that i only fall in love once a year and that i've already fallen in love with someone. i hate that everytime i fall in love it's over just as fast as it started.

i just watched "when harry met sally" and that's why i'm sad. and i'm sad because i am trying not to love someone right now. and then i think about loving and being loved back and i want it so badly. i miss it.

i miss perry. i wish i could talk to him right now but i can't and that's hard to swallow.

anyway i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. that's how it always is.