Uncool Fool Can't Wait to Go Back to School

The worst part about life is waiting. Waiting until I'm tired enough to go to bed. Waiting until I become cool. Waiting for people to make decisions you know they should make. Waiting for the fiesta below my window to stop. Waiting to go back to Provo (from there I will be waiting to go where?)

I just watched Almost Famous. I don't know how I'd never seen that movie before. It basically affirmed for me what my parent's friends have told me for years: That I was born in the wrong decade. Here I am, almost 22, and my preferred listening format is vinyl. Rolling Stone is run by the man now (although the film purports it was back then too), and who tours on buses anymore? That age is over. But Lester Bangs said something interesting in that film. He said, "I'm always home. I'm uncool." Sometimes I feel this way, but I'm not always home so maybe it's not true.

I made a big decision last week. It was to stop talking to someone very important to me, at least for the rest of the summer. That was Tuesday night. The only day I haven't cried was Friday, but I am a born-again crier (I never used to cry until last August when I had an emotional and spiritual rebirth). The emotional repercussions vary. Most of the time I'm fine. I don't think I'm fine at all when I sleep, because he's been in my dreams every night since then. A) I never remember my dreams except until last Tuesday night, and B) I rarely have people in my dreams.

Josh came to visit this weekend. We saw a man sitting in a trashcan at Coney Island. He was serious about it.

I've lived in my new apartment since Wednesday and I haven't unpacked yet. I have six weeks left in New York, but all I can think about is August when I have 25 whole days to do nothing. It's not enough days. But I won't unpack. I guess I think it'll feel like I'm just on vacation if I don't unpack, like I just got here and I'm going right home. Nostalgia has always been a horrible disease to me. I am one of those people who should take a clue from Cinema Paradiso (great film if you haven't seen it) and never go home.

(One week left in June, four-and-a-half in July, one-and-a-half in August).

I have really great parents and really great friends.