I'm a weird fish.

Every once in awhile, maybe once every month or two months or so, I get really scared. My heart beats like a drum, creeping up into my throat until it's beating more from my esophagus than my rib cage. My limbs twitch, not from a caffeine-induced high from my daily Diet Coke, but from nervousness. I start feeling melancholy and sad and confused.

Today I am nervous. Today I am scared. Today I am melancholy, sad, and confused.

I could tell you why, but that would be redundant. I've already told you.

My biggest fear used to be the dark. I have always been afraid of the dark. But now it's the future. Almost every day, someone asks me what I'm going to do with my life, when I graduate. My first response is, "I'm going to get what I want," which is how Kelly responds to that question on "Shoes," my favorite YouTube video. This one isn't a very acceptable response, however. Alex has started answering for me--she wants to work for the BBC. And I do. But do I? What will I have to give up to work for the BBC? Am I even qualified to work there? Am I qualified to work anywhere?

Working at PC Mag told me I am. I am competent, able, hard-working, and an asset to the team. Okay. But I read job qualifications on online job postings and I think, I'm not good enough for this.

So which is it?

Staying in Utah is another issue. There's only one reason I'd stay at this point, but talking about that makes me sick to my stomach with nervousness. At least today it does.

I think the important thing to remember is that you can blame different things for your mood for days on end, but those things that caused your mood aren't going to help you get better, so it's best to not think about them and just think about yesterday when you were happy. At least, that's what I do.