Unbroken and weird dreams

One of the books I'm working on is Unbroken, a biography about Olympic runner and WWII POW Louis Zamperini. Amazing story. My jaw hangs aghast and my mind explodes as I read about the atrocities he experienced. So you know, it lends itself well to bedtime reading, because who doesn't want to fill their subconscious with feelings of paranoia and horrifying thoughts (of things that actually happened)?

One of my "Zamp" dreams came to me last night. I was in front of my parents house, right down at the mailbox, when suddenly a white Honda Civic came barreling around the corner of the cul de sac and ran me right over. Fully conscious and in no real pain, I contorted my body upward to see who had run me over. It was an old high school boyfriend of mine, his wife, and a few other kids from high school in the backseat. There were six people total in the car. Baby Ghosts was playing on the radio. They were oblivious to me for a time, until Jeff came running up and told them to move. Then I think I died, or at least the dream faded away.

Here's a pretty good song for your weekend. Also I want to be the singer, or at least have her hair. I got my hair cut in Utah last week, and I said I wanted Debbie Harry hair. Next time I need to bring pictures. I love my cut but it's not Debbie Harry hair.

The Way We Were

Watching Babs on Jimmy Fallon prompted me to listen to her new album, "Partners," on Spotify. When I was a kid, I was so sick and tired of Barbra Streisand because whenever I went thrifting for vinyl, all I ever found was a near-complete collection of her myriad albums, i.e. nothing I wanted! I thought her vocal style was so cheesy and overly emotional. She was awful to me.

Then I watched "What's Up Doc?" and I realized she was amazing, an incredible comedic actress and outstanding vocalist, with more control than a remote.

So I'm sitting here on this typically dark, rainy Houston day listening to "Partners," an album on which Babs duets with many prominent vocalists. It's good. I feel a little like a cat lady, at least how I picture a cat lady, sitting home depressed with all her cats on a rainy day. Maybe I'm a new age cat lady because I'm blogging. Maybe I will one day turn into a cat lady.

Speaking of cat ladies, last night I met two dog ladies. I stopped them on the sidewalk on my way to mutual at the church because they were walking their dogs and I am strongly considering getting a dog (also BARC has $20 adoptions this weekend, so that is enticing). I say I because Jeff wants one already; I would be the dog's primary caregiver. So I asked one harmless question--how their dogs do while they're at work all day--and after 6 minutes of feigning interest, I had to abruptly end their rambling and head on my way. They both had shih tzus and tattled on about the breed way too enthusiastically for me to still consider them normal people. Sorry guys! I'm over it!

I started writing about Babs and ended talking about shih tzus. Somehow that seems appropriate. I bet Babs likes shih tzus.

PS Last night I accidentally locked Jeff out of the house, then went to sleep. I felt really really really badly and I still do. The fact I sleep with earplugs in didn't help anything while he called me half a dozen times and rang the doorbell without stopping for ten minutes. A thought came to his mind that maybe he had a spare key in his car. Luckily he did. I try so hard but always come up short! That's life, that's what all the people say.

Love when you're far away

A week ago tonight, I came back from my trip to Utah.

Meg and Scott's wedding was so very beautiful. I haven't been to a civil marriage recently that wasn't a Catholic ceremony (if you know what I mean...). Theirs was so unique, so full of love and beauty. I loved watching from afar as Meg walked up the hill for her and Scott's "first look." My heart fluttered remembering the first time Jeff saw me in my wedding dress and it really hit us that we were getting married, that we would belong to each other. Meg and Scott's day got better and better. I felt so honored to be there, to be welcomed so fully by her family and to be part of the beginning of the rest of their life together. Scott sang Meg "Here, There and Everywhere". They had the perfect mom/son, dad/daughter dance songs. Everything was perfect. Weddings are so wonderful.

I reflected a lot while I was in Utah. I spent time with good friends and compared my current self with who I was when I lived in Utah. I have grown a lot, for the better I think. I used to hate Utah and Utahans. I still don't understand some of the fashion choices made by Utahans, but I don't understand a lot of things. I love the mountains. I love the fact that people can walk downtown just as I walk to church. I love how nice people are in Utah and how clean it is. I love all the old buildings. I love that I randomly ran into at least 6 friends. Mostly I love the family I have in Utah. I classify all the friends I have in Utah as family because they are that to me.

It's odd how you don't often realize how badly you miss someone, or how much someone means to you, until you reunite with them and your heart does a funky dance and you can't imagine how you lived without them in your daily life. That goes for places too, I suppose, because when I drove out to Vernal one day I felt like my heart was on the verge of cardiac arrest. You guys, those mountains through Park City and Heber, they are magical. They speak to my soul.

I felt a lot of anxiety before leaving Houston. Jeff has been so swamped and stressed between work and his MBA, and I don't see him much. I've worked hard on taking over all the house duties and serving him selflessly. Most of our marriage, we have shared house duties, but I feel so much more endeared to him and grateful for him the more I do for him. It's been a valuable lesson to me. I love him so much.

Houston, oh Houston. Sometimes I really loathe you as a place. As I type there's a fantastic thunderstorm outside (just had a 7-second rumble of thunder), and this is how I like you best. You have great storms.

The night after I got back from Utah, we had a Relief Society activity to finish up our service project from Girls Camp. We made washable hygiene/menstruation kits for girls and ladies in Africa. I feel passionate about this project, and it was so awesome to work on it with the girls at camp and with my sisters in my ward. I may not like Houston, but I sure do love my people here. I have learned a lot of lessons here, and I keep learning more lessons, some easier than others.

My young cousin Wyatt killed himself last Friday. He shot himself. Craig died almost a year ago, Andrew died six months ago, and now Wyatt. Each of their deaths have caused me to reflect deeply on how I live my life, how I reach out to others. Craig's death was not his choice; he made such an impact on the youth in our ward and stake. With Andrew and Wyatt, they left deep valleys of sadness for many people in choosing to leave the Earth. I remember my own feelings of clinical depression well. I am grateful to be healed from the darkest times; I am grateful to have felt those deep feelings of despair, loss of control, and desperation, and to understand well some of the emotions they may have felt. I pray they are freed from those feelings and are healing through love.

If it's free, it's for me

Does anyone else remember when Blogger wasn't owned by Google? I barely do, back when I started writing this sorry blog.

I just read this opinion piece  and it made me think of all the things I get for free in this world without even batting an eye. I, like the writer, listen to spotify all day long. Artists make very little money off of me, despite the fact I listen to their albums ad nauseum. Vinyl attracts me for this very reason. Jack White's new album "Lazaretto", which I'm currently listening to via spotify, features hidden tracks accessible only on the vinyl copy. Were I a bigger Jack White fan, I wouldn't hesitate to pay $25 in exchange for a unique musical experience. Jeff and I paid almost $100 a few weeks ago to see Jimmy Eat World, a band whose only album I've ever purchased was "Bleed American" (back before it was re-branded post 9/11), but who I listen to regularly on spotify and Pandora (they happen to be our favorite band to train to). But then when Parquet Courts came and played for $10/ticket, I couldn't be bothered. I regret not going. I was tired or something.

We are accustomed to free things in this day and age. Even our cell phones feel free, despite the fact most of us pay $150 to use two smart phones any way we please. I was talking to a friend and youth leader in our congregation yesterday, and she remarked that none -- literally none -- of the working-age girls have jobs this summer. What do they do all day? Beats me. I can't remember a time over the past 15 years when I haven't had some sort of self-earned income.

Nothing good can come from all the free things in the world these days.

I forget sometimes

Sometimes I stumble across my blog after months and months away from it, and it reaches out to me like an old friend. I am so glad I kept this blog. So many things have happened in my life that I have completely forgotten about. I feel like I should write in this blog more. Maybe I will.

My life is so different now than it was in college and in high school when I consistently wrote on here. I loved college. I loved having so many friends to love and care for, who loved me and cared for me. Life now is much more lonely. Which isn't to say I'm lonely. I'm not. But my circle of friends is much smaller and more constrained in their ability to go do things. We have jobs, some have kids, our time is not quite our own like it was during school. I'll never forget in my Media Literacy class, fall semester 2007 (my very last class to graduate), and a kid in my class lamented to Prof. Cutri about an extra assignment he'd given us. "We don't have the tiiiiiiime," he said. Cutri threw his head back and laughed. His words ring in my head. "You will never have this much time for the rest of your life." He was so right, and I don't even have kids yet!

Girls Camp was a success. Exhausting, but a success. I have worried for months about the girls hating it, or leaders sitting around sipping lemonade and talking about how they could have done better. Luckily none of that happened (to my knowledge at least). I truly feel that what Heavenly Father wanted to have happen at camp did happen, that is, the girls felt His and the Savior's divine love, and they gained a deeper understanding of the Atonement and its reality. That was my goal. That was His goal. I think it was accomplished.

There was a moment in the middle of the week. I was sitting alone in my room about midday. I'd just fought off a panic attack. I looked heavenward and said, "Father, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than the hardest moments of my mission." Now I had some hard moments on my mission. But being stake camp director honestly trumps them all. First because I am not nearly as close to the Spirit as I was as a missionary. I felt the Spirit work through me often as camp director, but not in the same way as a missionary. Second because I don't really like Girls Camp. I went for three days my first year and never went back. I'm glad some girls enjoy the friendship and all the LOUD singing, crafts, etc. I can't really say I do. Maybe I would have at my camp had I not been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all week. Alas, one does not relax as stake camp director.

I am going to Utah for my best friend's wedding (no, not like in the movie) in a month and I CAN'T WAIT! First, to see her so beautiful in her dress, second because it will be my FIRST TIME EVER being a maid/matron (gross) of honor!!, third because I will be in Utah which has MOUNTAINS! I will save why I love the mountains for another entry.

what I need

My problems are hardly worth complaining about, but I'm going to do it anyway because they're problems we all share.

I've got people breathing down my neck wanting stuff for camp. Stuff I don't have. I have a website to finish. A logo that won't design itself. Forms that need to be generated and re-designed. Meetings multiple times a week. My hands are tied on half of what I need to do for camp because the stake hasn't called my requested person yet. I spent eight hours of my days at work. Then I teach piano lessons. When I finally get home, I attempt to cook dinner but usually end up getting a Costco chicken or forcing some sort of leftover down my throat. Then Jeff gets upset because he's eating the same thing again and I don't blame him.

I'd like to say that five more hours in a day would solve all my problems, but I would prefer to have two clones of myself. Or maybe I would like to invent a nutritious, affordable meal that cooks itself and tastes like whatever you want it to.

And then I think about what life will be like when I'm a mother, working, and stake camp director. I don't see how it can all be done. How do women do it?!

(Of course, all of this seems so much worse because my menstrual cramps feel like daggers in my back).

Hats off to women everywhere! #whitepeopleprobs #mormonprobs #menstrualprobs