My Weakness is None of Your Business

today i went to best buy twice. and i took robert and katie to their music lessons with tony. and i chilled with sloan and alex. i just got home and now i am really depressed. like really.

see the day was great. i had a lot of fun and stuff, loved being with sloan and alex. three musketeers. sloan, ferris, cameron. we even cut this old guy in a mercedes off from this parking spot he wanted, so we called him mr. rooney. :) it was just so fun.

maybe i'm just tired now. maybe i really am sad. i'm not sure. all i know is that i didn't want to go home. i wanted to hold sloan for a while. i only have four days left here and i still feel like there's so much i need to learn about him. well whatever. my depression will pass i guess. we're spending the whole day and night together tomorrow anyway.......yeah.

alright well...i think maybe i'll go rent a nice movie or something, like "Rebel Without a Cause." James Dean ALWAYS cheers me up :)

Two-Headed Boy

Mmmm this break is pretty fun. I've only seen my girls once because I've been with Sloan so much. Iono iono. We'll see.

Third time to San Fran this week tonite, second time with the fam. I figure that going without a fight will make my dad happy, perhaps extend my curfew a tiny bit...Yeah yeah, wishful thinking. Oh well.

Neutral Milk Hotel, I love you.

Christmas was a bust. I'm taking back half my gifts. I feel so greedy and selfish, but whatev. I dont want to keep something I dont like, something I wont wear. That, to me, is a greater waste.

Whatev. Right now I gotta go. I'm sick of typing because my fingernails are a little long and it's too hard to type with them. Heh heh.

xoxo Lisa

Nothing Much to Lose

Wow. I mean like w.o.w. I really like Mr. X, and it turns out Mr. Y might be gay. WHAT?! Yes, it's true. I kind of suspected it the whole time anyway, I mean he is freakishly stylish for a guy...oh well. I wouldn't be the first girl to fall for a gay guy (remember Danny on The Real World: New Orleans?).

So. My parents are being COMPLETE and utter jerks. Tyrants. Authoritarian dictators comparable to Stalin himself. They are enforcing a MIDNIGHT CURFEW! for me, an 18 year old college student. Please, cut me some slack here parents. I am doing nothing wrong, participating in perfectly perfect activities. Let me live. Stop cramping my social style...

More on that later. Right now Mr. X is calling <3

xoxo Lisa

PS Alex thanks for being such a spectacular friend :)

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

LOTR last night. Best show ever. Eric, thank you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and you are my BEST FRIEND EVER TOO!!!! Arkarkark.

SOOOOO. The Darkness is my new favorite band. After all my other favorites.

Holy lembas Frodo! I haven't had a really good blog entry in awhile, and I'll tell you why. It started with Mr. X and Mr. Y (no, I'm not talking about chromosomes, sorry to confuse you). I love Mr. X and I love Mr. Y. And that's as far as I'm going to go. It's too private a matter for too public a forum.

Finals this week. Bleh. Bio 100 tomorrow and then I'm done for semester one. Oooh baby.

Discovered today that Teriyaki Stix has gyoza (pot stickers for all you culturally inept). Best thing to eat on campus, I've decided.

So look here sprouts, I gotta go because Jessica's on her way over and we're going to Savers to buy some cute new used clothes. Love you all.

Kathy's Song

Wow. What a great and awful week. Lamia and Jessica moved to DT--my heart still weeps. Went to SLC and saw MoTab last night with Eric and peeps. Way fun time. Frederica Von Stade and Bryn Terfel (f.y.i. my two favorite opera singers of the present day) were the special guests! Imagine that!

I'm excited to come home now. To see people, to see my special friend, to have too much fun.

So much happened this week. I should be able to tell you more. But nothing's coming to mind. All I know is that I'm happy.

LOTR this Wednesday baby. Opening night. SOOOOOOOO excited. I'll tell you all about it, I promise ;)

Love, peace, good cheer,
Lisa.

Just Cry Yourself To Sleep

Groovin to my record player right now. Yes, MY RECORD PLAYER. So awesome. The Doors baby, "Light My Fire."

Just got off the phone with my dear Kevin. Thank you for always being here for me, Kevin. And I always think of you when I hear "The Sound of Silence."

Things are so good right now. I'm always happy, especially lately, but these past couple days I've just been on an emotional high. So great. Unfortunately, I believe completely in the yin and yang, so there will undoubtedly be a low to this high. Oh well, c'est la vie.

I think I'm going to call my grandma Betty now. Then the folks. Then hw. Yes. Bye Bye Love.

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying!

"So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love - loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seeemed to exist." --Everything Is Illuminated

Thanks Sean.

The 59th Street Bridge Song

I am happy today. Saw all my favorite people and then some. In the Wilk today after Music. Eric finds me, says, "I have a present for you." Puts a little piece of paper on the table. "LOTR 12am Dec. 17" it says.

Eric. Thank you so very much. We are going to have so much fun my little movie buddy.

Home sucked. Don't wanna talk about it much.

Sloan I love you. You're just too great for words.

Just looked over at my roommate and she's sleeping on her desk. Love her.

Portable record player coming in 3-7 days. Excitement. Enthusiasm. Suspense. Mmmm.

Going to nap now. Love and peace. Merry Christmas.

Look Ma, The Sun Is Shining On Me

Love today. Played Ferris Bueller with McKenna and Eric B in SF. Bought something (can't say what on here!), walked the streets, played in the chairs at the Clift (almost), rode the elevator up and down, up and down at the St. Francis...yes. And the Lord saw it and called it good. Highlight of the day: legless man riding a skateboard. Now slap my cheeks and call me Sally - that's something you don't see every day.

Received immediate ridicule and looks of disgust from my mother and elder sister the moment I stepped off the plane. Thank you for placing me under constant scrutiny. There's nothing I love more than unnecessary and unjustified criticism from two members of my own family.

Chris Rains - you're my hero. The plane ride was amazing. Thank you.

My mother and sister Becky want my brother Robert to cut his hair and shave his goatee. Quite honestly, he looks good with long hair and a bit of chin stubble. "You ruin everything, Lisa," says the mom. Oh well. You can hate your grandkids someday too since I'll approve of their long hair and first attempts at styled facial hair similar to Robert's. And there's my only depression my life that's been nothing but looked down upon by my mother.

But today was a great day. Just a great frickin day. Eric Burstyn and McKenna Stevens, love you with all my heart. We'll do it again, just the three of us. Not sure one can recreate a day as spontaneous and magical as today, but it could happen. We'll make it.

Bless your hearts. I'm off to Hannah's :)

I Wanna Rock! (Rock!)

Mmmm. Eddie keeps wowing me with amazing jackets. Saw him today wearing a bright orange ski jacket. Love that guy. Hi-fived me and I squeezed his arm telling him how much I loved his jacket. hot deal. love that eddie king.

country roads, take me home to the place where i belong. norcal, mountain mama, take me home country roads. this tuesday baby.

sloan. you're amazing.

slipped on ice yesterday and sprained my ankle. love it here so much. luckily chris was with me so he could help me up. yeah. like i have no idea how i'm going to get around tomorrow. i'm going to try and stay off the thing the rest of the night so i can maybe...hopefully...walk again tomorrow. yeah. it already feels a bit better; it's swollen to the size of an orange though (well, at least a small one).

mmm not much else to say. jealous of sloan on his mexican cruise. but that's all. love you all. keep on truckin.

<3 lisa

Night on the Sun

Wow. I mean like W.O.W. Modest Mouse and Helio Sequence tonight, plus Winford E.I. from Oaktown. They were....not that good. But wow. Helio Sequence. Let's talk about amazing talent. Sloan, call me right now so we can talk about this. Modest Mouse....incredible. I thought I'd have something amazing to say about it but i'm going on three hours of sleep from last night so i should probably call it quits. love you all. coming home tuesday night. call me, we'll chizill.

kablerium vs. obliviousity

Good days these past couple. Sloan + Lisa = true love ;) Saw Eddie yesterday in the JKHB but snubbed him by not talking when he slowed down to talk...felt bad. Saw him again today and he said Hi again, wore the hottest green sweater ever. Want it for myself. What else...been sleeping like crazy lately. Just woke up from a two hour snoozefest when I have a ten page research paper due tomorrow = bad news. Hardly started. But I've gotten an A on every paper in there so far so I'm not too worried. It just means a long tonight and longer tomorrow. But that's okay. Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go. Love my friends back home. Miss you all. Can't wait to chill with y'all next week. Talk about heaven! w00t!

Okay. Modest Mouse and Helio Sequence show TOMORROW NIGHT!!! SO EXCITED BABY!!

And that's the end of the show for tonight. Come back soon!

As You Are

Loving Travis right now. Francis...you're my hero. thing is, i'm sitting in the library supposed to be working, but instead i'm just kind of grooving to music, writing in my blog, talking to the cute boy next to me..heh heh. yeah. home again in eight days, kind of weird. this last trip home was a little weird, i think i said that before. but walnut creek just doesn't feel the same anymore. it's doesn't really feel like home. then again, provo doesn't always feel like home either. constant give and take, i guess. slept through my nine o'clock this morning, almost didn't make it to my ten o'clock either (i at least didn't get there til 10:30...eep!), but it's the first time i've done that, so i'm over it. i dont really know what to write. i'm going to be home again soon. i'm not in denial about how i'm growing apart from old friends, unlike some of these same old friends...it's natural for us to grow apart. let's not fight nature. i sound like i don't wanna be friends with these people anymore. that's totally not true, but i just don't feel the same fire and warmth in the friendship that used to be there. we're all different now; we all have different friends at college and we're going in different directions with our lives...i know in my case, i'm finally doing things i've talked about doing my whole life. things are taking off, life is great, i'm happier than ever almost. so let's make promises to be friends forever and call the worrying quits, okay? you guys know we'll always be friends...we'll have those once yearly phone calls or we'll exchange holiday cards. for crying out loud, you don't go all the way through high school, through thick and thin, as best friends only to trivialize everything by letting absence get the better of you...please girls, no. it won't happen to us. not all the way. but kids. my research paper beckons and procrastination never helped anyone. love to all. kristy and jessie - come back from arizona already!! Heh heh heh...::evil laughter:: YES!!

Origin of Symmetry

Being home is weird. Oh yeah, I'm home for all of you who didn't know. Coming back Sunday, maybe Monday, so don't fret. But yeah, being home is really strange. I think I captured it best when I said to my mom, "It's interesting. Life changes so much every day at college. I change so much. When I come home, everything is exactly the same. The same po-po's prowl the downtown streets, the same gutter punks are hanging outside the theater...life just doesn't change here." So tonight I was chilling in Barnes and Noble with Celeste, and I felt out of place. I felt like Eric should be popping out from behind a corner, or that Eddie's bubbly laugh should be radiating from some nearby table, or that Andrea should be randomly coming into my room...but none of this happened. None of it will happen. It's sad really...when I'm there I long to be here; now that I'm here, I long to be there. "No one is ever happy where they are," says the Prince. He's so right. Just today Eric asked me if I considered Provo "home" yet, and I said. "No. Provo will never be home. Home is always my parents' house." But I almost feel like revoking that. Whether I like it or not, Provo holds a lot of meaning for me right now. It's where my surrogate family is, it's where my life is. Walnut Creek holds little for me other than my own bed, my high school friends, and serves as the primary locale for all my childhood endeavors. Life isn't in Walnut Creek anymore. Life is in Provo. I've finally realized this. I'm finally ready to accept it.

Best Day of My Life

Wonderful day today.
Class at 8 am. Left early and found Becky who was sick so I bought her some throat drops.
Home to sleep for two hours.
Woke up and talked to my favorite people online. John Garlock, Sean Conroy, Celeste Naima, Brian Emmett.
Went up to campus, settled in the library at a comp and found some cool classes to take online.
Walked up the stairs from Periodicals and Eddie was standing at the top. Broke conversation to begin one with me. Love that Eddie boy. SO amazing.
Wilk for lunch. Called Britt and went to the Provo City Library to get our froggie cards and delve into the shelves. No time though.
Voice at 3. Enthused and raring for auditions in January. I kick vocal arse.
Called Mom after class and had a good talk.
Tanner for choir. Scott walking out as I walked in. Talked to him for a moment while standing no more than 4 inches away. Left before choir even began but signed the attendance anyway. Brushed against his stomach and said goodbye.
Sat inside talking to mom while choir progressed. Scott came back to cross out his initials on the attendance - said I made him feel guilty. Affectionately slugged my arm as we exchanged goodbyes again.
Knees turned to jelly as I recounted to my mom my history with him. Love Scott. Amazing man.
Choir rocked the house.
Went home and then back up to campus for "Through the Olive Trees," a Persian film. Loved it. Dinner with Britt before, movie with Britt, library with Britt after.
Called Mckenna for a Happy Birthday wish.
Found Eric hard at work playing minesweeper on his lappie. Moved to sit next to him as Britt had since left.
Talked forever. Love Eric.
Met two boys who were very cute sitting across the table from us. Nice kids.
Ride home from Eric. Grimmace is flipping off all of Utah Valley on East Bulldog. Check it out.
Home now. No homework anymore prease. Talking to all my favorite people...almost.
Love changes everything.

Where You'll Find Me Now

Hada nice little campfire last night. Saw Spirited Away - amazing movie, btw. Chilled at Jessie's. Invented the Puzzle Club. Met Juliana. Church today with Britt and J. Just got stuck in an elevator with about 26 other people. Nearly suffocated. Tons o' fun. Yeah. Def tons o' fun. Had dinner in the Cannon with Britt, J, and Eric. Met this awesome guy named Chris. Love that guy. Dark and sinister while still being fairly sane. Saw my other favorite people- Hayley, Andrea, Allison, Brandon, Forest, Julianne, Eddie (who squeezed my knee, btw ;) ) and others. And the Lisa saw it and declared, "Today was good." Talked to Allison and Bea on the phone too. Bless their hearts, I miss them. Um okay. Really should go now. Love and peace to all.

The Beautiful Occupation

Scariest dream ever last night. Dreamt that I was driving my family's Suburban and it broke down and I was pissed because I was in a hurry for....
Forest and Andrea's wedding. Sorry guys. I don't know how or why or what subconscious message that conveys...I'm just so sorry. It was pretty hilarious though. I honestly woke up and my heart was pouding. 'Twas a pretty harrowing dream I guess.

Mama's got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night!! --Love this Song

Peace the "You-know-what" Out

Btw, I saw Eddie in the library tonight. EDDIE THE KING IN THE LIBRARY ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! ::SIGH:: Love that man with heart and soul, I'm so in love with you....yeah.

Wow. I mean like W.O.W.

So Friend Male has been digging Friend Female like MAJORLY this past little while, and she has been trying to get him to back off, but to no avail. He keeps pursuing. Really messed up game of cat and mouse, but the mouse actually wants to be friends with the cat, and the cat wants to be lovers with the mouse. Whoa. Messed up analogy too, but the thing is I'm tired and it's rather late considering I've been up since 7 am. Sheesh give me a break people. Things are going alright though. Got in a nice huge fight with my parents tonight about me coming home. "You're not going to be coming home at the rate you're going," said Dad. "Um, what are you talking about Dad?" "You know what I'm talking about." Yeah, vagueness solves all our problems Dad, really gets us closer to the answer. He was mad at me for wanting to see my friends when I'm home next weekend. But instead of saying nicely like "Lisa, I don't want you having friends over," he completely BLEW UP LIKE A BOMB, out of the roof. It was insane. I just started crying so hard and Britt was with me. It was so stupid. We always fight about the stupidest things. The Stupidest Things. So look here kids, I wanna go to bed. I think I'm going to. Okay. Love you all with the fire of a thousand flames. Made a lot of sense. K Bye.

I don't think I am cut out for love. Every time I start loving someone they don't love me back. Or I love them so much it hurts but they rub the pain in my face and never bandage me up like a nice person would do. Every intimate relationship I've been in has ended in me backing out due to fear of commitment. Think about it. I don't need to give examples - that would probably hurt and embarrass some people - but they're there. There is something inside of me that says I can only be friends, never more. Every time I start caring for someone as more than a friend, I back away and realize that we'd never be more than friends. Never. Because Lisa can't be more than friends.
And intimacy. I feel like such a *;ajsdfv;a* normal person. Normal. I've had a perfect life. My parents have always loved one another, my family has always supported me, my parents have most always been proud of me. I'm away at school and I'm still making all the *skdj* right choices and hanging out with a group identical to my friends at home. I've got my Celeste and my Perry, my Helen, my Bea and Hannah. Sure there are minor differences, but I have another Perry. At *djdjdh* BYU. Perrys aren't supposed to be at BYU. There are only supposed to be Sam Joneses and David Glenns...no Perrys.
But intimacy. I honestly feel like I have nothing to open up about. My life has been 99% perfect. A+ perfect. What do I have to show for it though? Not much more than a bleeding heart and hollowness. I have no major problems that have affected me my whole life, at least nothing I haven't come to terms with. I guess that's one good thing about being away from home: I've conquered and overcome my main source of depression in life. But if you ask me one thing I'm sad about, I can only say that I'm not sad. I am a lover, a protector, an unconditional friend. Because even if you flake on me 20 times I will still be your friend. That's rather pathetic. Truth is therefore pathetic. But there is something inside of me that makes me love unconditionally. And I will love anyone. Anyone at all. Loving is my best hobby I guess.
I love no one more than the next. I love strangers just as much as I love my sisters. I love Simon just as much as I love Garfunkel. Chances are I love you too.
Papa's favorite poem was this little ditty called "Press On." I don't remember how it goes, but I guess the title itself relays the overall message effectively enough. Press On. Press On. Press On.
Sometimes I think that maybe I can talk to dead people. Like spirits. And they will come right next to me, or at least tune into my voice from whatever cloud they're on, and they will listen to me talk to them. I say things like "I miss you" and "How is heaven?" and I tell them what life is like. It's like April and her balloons, may God bless her soul.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know why I'm writing. I just know that I love you Eric more than anything too. And I love Perry and I want you to come home safe and sober. And I love you all. That's one of the only things I know for sure. I just love you all and I will do anything for you and I will die for you if you really really need me to.
No simple man ever wrote anything worth reading.

Eye

So I just wrote this to Britt but I'm going to say it again. when i read the lyrics to "stand inside your love" i wonder who billy was in love with when he wrote that song, where the emotion behind it came from. because that's some strong stuff you know. it came from deep within his sorry lonely heart, it came from a yearning to be loved as much as he loves. But billy, forget your longing. i love you.
okay that was freaky.
but tonight was fun because i went on a "random spontaneous outing" to savers with britt, dave and eric. fun times. ::sigh:: i found a grey members only jacket that i was SO going to buy for only seven dollars to resell at home for ten, but i passed up the chance. that's okay. i bought a fun retro authentic retro bag, kind of like the ones puma makes now but mine is actually from the 70s. well it looks like it is. the three layers of grime on it say it is. i am listening to SP right now. i haven't listened to them in a while. that's probably why i got sick - my body was going through SP withdrawl.
so the thing is: i am deathly tired, but i have a rough draft of a my research paper due tomorrow. i really don't want to do it, but it is worth points, and doing it will at least have me one step closer to completing the paper.
i think maybe i love people too much sometimes. i love perry too much, but he needs to be loved too much because he's not loved enough. wow. that's a depressing thought.
sometimes i am too good of a friend. i did tom's research for his bio poster, and some of forest's too. but that's okay. i got a good laugh considering neither of them know how to conduct a search.
but right now i'm working on a research paper of how the Walt Disney Company is trying to take over the world. it's going well so far, considering the fact i started on it an hour ago and the rough draft (it's a 10 page paper, mind you) is due 8 am tomorrow morning. groovy baby. or kitschy, as sean and jack would say. fun times. love to all, must work for real now.

A Newfound Comfort

Wow. I am sick right now - viral infection in my lungs. But things are great. Halloween was a blast. I just chilled with Eric, Britt, Dave, Hugh, and Sam. Sam I just met last night, he's a friend of Hugh's, but I of course have known Eric, Britt and Dave much longer. I am slowly forgetting Eddie. Sure, he is devastatingly gorgeous, but my interests and admirations have shifted as of late. Didn't come home til 6 in the morning. When Eric dropped me off at HH around 5:15 or so, my friend Brent and his friend Steven were outside throwing snowballs. They were going to Del Taco and said "COME!" so I did. And it was fun. So I got to bed around 6:15 and got up about 1. Spent the day in the library. Went to a Student Composer Showcase with Forest and laughed my head off. Then saw the original "Frankenstein" with Jessica from down the hall. She's great. I like her a lot - way cool gal. Eric called and off to his friend's apartment which was so much fun. They are way cool kids. Just sat around their fireplace, drank cider, played guitar and sang, talked, joked, laughed. Eric's parents called my cell trying to reach Eric. That was trippy. Tonight was a good night. A really random, spontaneous, fun night. I'm loving the band Tortoise right now too. Def check them out if you're into the instrumental indie thing. Coming home in less than two weeks = 12 days. Way excited. Best weekend ever with my sibs and pup and best friends that are home :) Miss you all. Love you more <3.

Adelaide's Lament

You see, I have la grippe. La Post Nasal Drip. I have ::dunh dunh dunh!!:: a cold. Major chest congestion, coughing like a banshee screech. And now I'm going over to Nate's to "jam." Really tired though. Ate lunch with Eddie today, his royal hottness. He is amazing. Today was a good day. Now I am sick and it's not so good, but I think things will be better by the time the night's over. So I'm going over to Kathryn's right now to take a swig of Robitussen, then I'm gonna write a little paper, then I'm going to Nate's, then I'm...gonna pine over Eddie. Then, uh, nil. Love my kids. WAIT!! I'm coming home in two weeks to stay with my sibs while my 'rents are in New Orleans!

Someone is Waiting

Long talk with mom tonight. Talking to Maggie now. I miss these people. Email from Helen my lovely. School is so busy. I have two essays and a midterm due tomorrow. I need to study; I don't know why I'm online when I should be studying or writing or something worthwhile. I guess I can study during classes though; heaven knows Music 101 is a waste of time since I already know everything we learn anyway. Eddie is beautiful. Saw him today in the Wilk eating with Brandon. I was with Eric. Then I saw him again as I sat with BJEmm and Regan before 2 pm class. Wow. He is beautiful. Eddie defines beautiful. I love you all back in CA - you are my first and golden friends. I miss you all and bless you with my undying love <3 My life in the morning sun, my life in a speeding car, it's too much to lose. My life to you...---Zwan

The Go In The Go For It

So writing this entry for Forest since he told me he thinks my blog is hilarious. Things have been so freakin great lately, except for the fact I'm an AIM junkie and can't stop talking to stoopid peeple. STOOPID! Must stop communicating. Must do homework. YEEEEAh that's a joke. So Nate just called to chizill. Jennie, girl, you're so right. We get along like salt and pepper. Living in a house next year with my kids: Britt, Jennie, Kathryn (aka Mary Kathryn Gallagher best SNL character ever). SOOO excited. Phat parties. Stuffed bear head on the wall. Indie rock extravaganzas. Police intervention necessary. So excited. Excitement doesn't even contain my emotions, right Kathryn? Eddie ate right behind me, Kathryn, Hayley and Keelie in the Cannon Center tonight. Talked for a bit about BTS, upcoming shows galore. Modest Mouse eep! Waved our signature sexy waves goodbye and he flipped his intoxicating hair as he walked out. I just drooled and prob looked like an idiot. But wow. I mean like W.O.W. he is a DREAMboat. Yikes. So going back to my hw now...heh heh...I swear by friendster and myspace. so great. met so many cool peeps already. yeah. starting a band but we'll talk about that later. hw and sleep beckon and i can't have both.

And another thing...

TALKED TO MY DAD TONIGHT AND WE MIGHT BE GOING TO SEE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL!!!! THAT'S FRICKIN SIMON AND GARFUNKEL BAY-BEE!!!!!!!! I'LL KEEP Y'ALL POSTED ON THE GOINGS ON!! :) PURE BLISS

Make Me Change My Mind

Went to Salt Lake City with Jessie, Kristy, and Eric tonight. Had an utter BLAST. Went to the Pink Floyd show at the Planetarium, which rocked the house. I'm so going again next week after the Built to Spill show. Man, that thing was INTENSE. So like I said before, Eric and I really bonded today, and we bonded even more tonight. I felt kinda bad for Jessie cuz they're freakin together, but the fact is (and Eric says this, not me) they have nothing in common. She's a pop punker; he thinks of her as a poser...so I dunno what's going on with that. It's sad. Wow, that show rocked. Eddie is so hott too. Ummm, I need to go to bed, yeah.

Proceed With Caution

Had lunch with Eddie today. Turns out he's 25 years old. 25 kids, 25. That means that he was a freshman at BYU when I was a little fledgling 6th grader. He started school here in 1996. I was 11. ELEVEN. Wow. But okay, he's still hott so it doesn't really matter to me ;)
School was great today. Slept through Music 101. Chilled with Eric for four hours. Seeing Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon Laser Show in SLC tonight with him and some other peeps. Gonna be rockin. GTG now. Love y'all. Love Eddie and Billy. LOVE PEACE FREAKIN HIPPIE.

I'm Going Out of My Way

Saw Cursive, The Blood Brothers, and Criteria last night. Awesome show. Made new friends. Macked on Eddie. Okay okay, so I didn't do that last thing, but heaven knows I wanted to :) His royal hottness. Anyway, the show kicked. Much different scene here in Utah. Saturday is a local show of indie, next Thursday is Papa M (which I'm probably forgoing to see Bishop Packer), Friday is Built to Spill, and Saturday is Thursday, Thrice, and Coheed and Cambria. Sweeeet. My bio TA Bracken loves music. He was at the Death Cab show with his wife -- how cute! She is apparently a huge Coheed fan so he said she'd be at Bricks for that too...so funny. "We've gotta talk about shows sometime," he said. For sure Bracken, as long as it helps out my grade a little bit... Mmmm, I have only been up for 13 hours but I'm really tired. And I went to my Music 101 teacher's clarinet duo performance tonight and slept through the first half. But he rocked. Mmmm, I have more HW to do before bed. UMMM...yeah. I'll just be taking that stapler now....(SORRY! JUST watched OFFICE space YESTERDAY and HAVE all THE dialogue STREAMING through MY head!!!!)

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

I just put four loads of laundry in the wash...and I forgot my favorite jeans, which I happen to be wearing right now...Hmmm - is it worth $ .75 to wash them? Urg, yeah it is... :(

A Cloak of Elvenkind

Wow. I feel like I haven't written in this forever. So Saturday night I tried to sell out and go to the Moneen/Saves the Day/Taking Back Sunday show. I went, it was just sold out, so my friend Britt scalped her ticket and we just wandered around Salt Lake City until our other friends got out of the show. But it was awesome - we had a great time and got to explore the city at our own free will. Everything is surprisingly close together in the downtown area, like definitely within walking distance. Plus, the bus system is alright in the downtown area so you can pretty much get anywhere you need to go. So this week Cursive is playing Wednesday night, then Minus the Bear Thursday night, then Electoral College (a local indie band) is playing Saturday night. Wee! So many shows! Next week I'm going to Papa M Thursday, Built to Spill Friday, and Coheed and Cambria/Thrice/Thursday Saturday night! Alright, so I'm majorly selling out with that show, but C and C is good, so's Thursday. And that's the scene here too. We'll just see if I wanna spend the money when it comes right down to it though. So far, I only have tix to Coheed...
But things are good here. I go through random bouts of homesickness. Perry is still messed up. It is difficult being so far away from him; I feel like I can't help him as effectively as if I were still in WC.
Now I might not be seeing Papa M either because Bishop Packer from my home ward is coming out to see all us Lafayette Ward kids and take us out for pizza at the Brick Oven, the second best pizza place in town. Ha! So I've never had it - I just know Pizza Pipeline is tough competition. Alright, I need to go do laundry.

Heart Cooks Brain

Wow. Lots has happened lately. Arnold is Governor...that's a little weird. Soulseek isn't working and I'm pissed. Regan and I keep fighting about music, so we decided last night that we're going to make each other a mix of our own music; therefore, we can better understand one another's musical tastes. Should be interesting. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to put on it. For example, he knows The Smashing Pumpkins are my favorite, so if he already knows this should I put any on? Yeah, I guess I should because it's supposed to be a mix of my favorite music. He might have to sketch me today. Last night I was up at his hall and there was a band on his floor playing Metallica and S.P. It was great. They played "Zero" and that's one of my fav SP songs. So fun. They played it a little wrong, but that's okay; it was just fun singing with a band again. Crap. What am I going to put on the mix? This is way hard. WAY HARD. I am totally feeling the Modest Mouse vibe, but I have so much of their stuff that I couldn't even begin to decide what song to put on it. WOW. This is going to take me a long time. But whatev. I'm seeing Papa M in Salt Lake on the 23rd!!! PAJO YOU ROCK!

Disarm

I am sad right now. I am listening to live Smashing Pumpkins right now. I assure you, those two are not correlated. But I did lose/misplace my "Dawn to Dusk" so I'm quite depressed. Eric said he'd burn me a new one but he hasn't yet. Yeah, I had a lot of stuff to write about tonight, but I'm too tired to now. The flow just wouldn't be right. I'll write about it later. Go Arnold...CA's going to hell.

Suspect Fled the Scene

Has anyone ever noticed that the titles of my blog entries generally having nothing to do with the entry substance? Yes, I've noticed that as well. You see, I used to attempt to correlate the substance with a song title; however, I've since grown rather lazy and abandoned that practice. I'm listening to Pedro the Lion right now..."The Longer I Lay Here." Such an exquisite song. This one person keeps harrassing me online as well. If you know who you are, please stop. If you think it's you, ask me and I'll tell you if it's you or not....BUT - things are good. I finally feel acclimated to the Utah "scene." I yearn for my Bay Area quite intensely though. I have a biology test this week that I really should study for, really should, but I haven't had a blog entry of worth for a while. I am eating a Nerds milkshake right now; it's quite tasty. I think I'll go practice my vocal music actually. Lessons tomorrow, you know... :/

The Sound of Settling

Andrea Grace is the best ever.

Translanticism

Perry makes me cry more than anyone. I just got off the phone with him; he's sitting drunk outside of who-knows-where. I just care about him too much. Tears pushing, forcing, fighting their way out from the wells of my eyes. Got my new favorite Death Cab song playing too, that doesn't help. I really don't know what to say about him. He's dropping out of high school. He's drunk right now. Drinking a 40 and a third of the way done. Make me stop loving you, Perry. Do something so awful I'll never want to see you again. "I need you so much closer," sighs Ben Gibbard. "I'm seeing you in November, I PROMise," Perry says. Still feels bad about last weekend, how I was home and he flaked. How Kevin flaked. "I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer..."

Stop crying now, Lisa.

Give Me a Moment

Ask me what I did tonight and I will tell you. Two hour traffic jams, 90s and 80s B-hits, and Amish Elvis lookalikes rock my world.

lisaloo92: yeah, i had lots of fun tonight
Bjemmett83: word!!
lisaloo92: haha - even in the traffic jam???
lisaloo92: WITH ELVIS!!!
Bjemmett83: hahahahaha
Bjemmett83: i can't believe that
Bjemmett83: so awesome!!!
Bjemmett83: and the lion king sing a long
lisaloo92: HAHAHA! elton would've been proud

That pretty much sums it up....well, sort of.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Perry Gone?

Perry, why dost thou cause me so much heartache? Go home. Just GO HOME. Oh my gosh. So today I chizilled with Tom for almost twelve straight hours-- 2 pm until 1 am. Rock on - ha! I love Tom - he is my bestest friend ever. I need to go to bed though, so tomorrow or when I have time I'll wrizzite all the details. I GOT AN A ON MY GRAMMAR TEST TODAY _ BLEH!

Puis qu'en oubli

I really need to go to bed, but Regan and I just got in a huge fight online. It rocked. Turns out he thinks I'm a jerk for being too opinionated and voicing my opinions all the time, that maybe he's a leeeetle bit intimidated by me, stuff like that. It was really intense. It showed me a lot about myself though. I love introspection. I am way excited. We just had our first big fight! Now our friendship is at the next level. This is good. I really need to go to bed. I finished my English paper today and turned it in. That's a nice load off my back. Then I got a 5 out of 5 on my Bio quiz too! This girl Courtney is in Chorale with me and she's WAY cool, so we went to Tom's ultimate frisbee game. That was fun too. She's a junior but she's uber cool! And my friends Eric and Jessie- they're cool too. We played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the arcade in the Wilk the other day; it was so rockin. I am listening to opera right now - SO emotional, so beautiful. I LOVE IT! MY BILLY ICON IS NOT SCARY!! I love him. I miss my dog, I miss the Bay Area, I miss my friends. I love you all though, I sincerely do.

The Boy in the Bubble

I can't believe I miss home this much. It's not like me. I cried leaving my house while saying goodbye to my dog, I cried when I text messaged Perry "See you in November" before the plane lifted off, I cried on the plane as I waved goodbye to my beloved San Francisco, I cried half the ride itself as I wrote in my journal about various things, I cried when I got off the plane, turned on my phone and Perry had texted me back "ok ill miss ya," I cried in the car to Provo, I'm crying now.

Dry the tears behind your eyes, you blubbering sentimental fool!

I dont know why I miss Perry so much either. I guess it's because we hardly saw each other, like two minutes yesterday, but we wanted to see each other more. I just, I just...I realized today how much that kid frickin means to me, and I dont even know why. We had Creative Writing together last year, sat next to each other for a long bit of it. Just bonded, I guess. Like I said, I dont really even know. I just know that he's one of the people in my life I care most about, someone I'd die for without a second thought. I dont know if he feels the same way - I dont really even care - I just care a lot about you Perry. Know that I miss you miserably and that I'm here for you no matter what. I guess that's about all I can do. I need to do homework and forget about this and stop getting my shirt all wet from crying.

When They Really Get To Know You They Will Run

SOOO overwhelmingly sad to be leaving my beautiful Bay Area haven for shotty Provo Hell tomorrow. Ironic: Byu being hell and all. The wedding was good, really good. The dinner was boring, so I called Regan and skipped out on a bit of it, claiming an "urgent phonecall which I had to attend to." Good old naivete. Saw Perry for about two minutes this morning - he on his way to who-knows-where, me to Helen's, then to Berkeley with Celeste and Helen. Perry says, "What, this is all I get to see you?" And i say "Did you want to see me more?" because sometimes the boy makes me feel like he just doesn't care. but apparently he wanted to see me more, so i said "come chill with kevin and i tonight." so kevin never calls and i call perry thinking he'll be at home but he's at denny's waiting for the heat of the night, so he says i want to see you and i'll call either way. but curfew was 12 tonight, 12 dang it, so early. i'd have to sneak out and i've been in trouble enough so i dont think i'll be doing that this evening/morning. i'm sad. really sad. crying sad. but 5 new cd's today brightens the mood a bit. i need to pack. leaving here tomorrow morn at 7:30 am for a 9:00 flight. i want to stay here forever. i am mad at kevin for flaking but i'm sad that perry wants to see me and wont just COME over. because perry, i want to see you too. 2 minutes this morning with chuck interjecting didn't suffice. i've missed your indian skin so, the most, but it's too late. i'm leaving early and you'll be asleep at some kids' house you don't even know. let me make it easier and say "maybe next time" and that way we will make false promises to remain friends and see each other in november when i come home again but i know the same thing might happen. i just miss you perry. i miss you, i wanted to see you, i wanted to. okay, now i really need to pack.

Things Behind the Sun

Wow. I just realized that my title for yesterday's entry mentioins the sun as well. Hmmm, I think I'll deal. So I'm home this weekend, and already LOVING every minute of it. My parents took Becky and I to Fentons for dinner. This made me so happy since my Papa Walter always used to take us there, and I'd go there all the time with friends. Of course, it's all re-vamped now after the fire a few years ago, but the ice cream's still the same and I guess that's what matters most. So I have all these feelings surging through me right now. I'm so overwhelmingly happy to be home, to smell CA air and see familiar soil. I talked to Perry's dad tonight. I really do care for Perry so much. Perry: read this, and stop smoking. Just stop. It is helping no one and nothing, not even your image. But maybe I will tell you that tomorrow too...or later today rather. It is Saturday now; I just realized that. But it's 12:53 in CA right now, which means I still have a few more hours in me - 2 at least. But I dont think i'll take advantage of them. Peeps- just read this. Know that I care for you all with an insatiable love. Know that my heart is always with you and that I am only a phone call away. And Perry just called so I must go.

Love Me Till The Sun Shines

I just realized, like JUSt now, that my mom so graciously cleaned out my desk drawers for me the day I left home...which means she found my poetry volumes, which means she's read my poetry, which means her feelings are potentially hurts, which means....She hasn't mentioned it at least, so maybe she found them and uncharacteristically set them aside. HOME this weekend, and none of this fanfare for me. I'm genuinely happy to be going home. So miserably happy to be going home. Driving down the freeway blasting 1979 with my girl Celeste, telling her about all the hot Mormon boys she's missing out on. Roughing up the $3.95 section at Rasputin's with Kevin. Late night/early morning walks with Perry, stopping at the playground in Walnut Knolls to check for someone's leftover vodka so we can dump it out and save the little kids who play there, baking in the warm Blessed Sun. Driving aimlessly with Helen, going to the Pleasant Hill AND Walnut Creek libraries in the same day, walking to Bonanza Books to smell the musty, over-priced aroma one normally only finds in Shattuck's holes-in-the-wall. Listening to George Harrison's last album right now, the one Ariel gave me. Surprisingly happy for a dying man. Love the ukelele song. Love the fact that for being an unbelievably good song, "Here Comes the Sun" never made it to #1. So excited to go home, see my mountains, see my puppy before they sell her, see my beautiful electric guitar whose strings have been played all too little. Good thrift stores! Berkeley! Sadly there's no time for San Fran, but San Fran! Thanksgiving will come and I'm in SF all the time. Kevin is contemplating moving there; I concur darling Kevin-san. I crave our glorious city, Provo's antithesis, my heart's home. I, along with Frank Sinatra, left my heart in San Francisco and I simply MUST retrieve it! Sitting in Brigham Square today - Eddie saw me from far away, but as he walked through he pretended as though he didn't see me. I said slyly, "Hello, Eddie," and he turned to me, indicating I'd passed his test. Chatted a bit, but the smoke outside was unbearable and he had class. I don't feel like writing anymore. I have nothing more worth writing. Lew Welsh- "The Basic Con," not "The Invented Con." Sorry Sean Darling. Perhaps I will bring some of my books back to Utah with me. One can always use their Camus and Hemingway, wouldn't you say?

Evil Woman

Or "Medieval Woman, " rather. Think SNL, Anna Gasteyer and Will Farrell. Yeah, now you remember, don't you? Good. That's one of my most fav SNL sketches of all time. My brain aches today, overloaded with numbing information I'll forget after I'm tested on it. I feel like I have so much to write but nowhere decent to start. So I won't write at all. Perhaps tonight I'll find a muse and expell all the creativity surging through my organs.

God Put A Smile Upon Your Face

I can't believe I just bought the Coldplay's newest album. Lisa = sellout. Okay, so maybe it's not that bad, but I'm supporting a bad that's so rich they could use their money to wipe their arses. The New Pornographers -- Regan's offended by their name. Too bad they rock. Wow. Pasha. This boy has left for school and I never called. Last time I talked to him he was going to come by to get his Muse CD, but then he came and I wasn't home. I'll probably never speak to the lad again either. Actually, there are myriad people I'll probably never talk to again. Kerby and I are growing more and more distant, Allison is always about ready to log off AIM when I log on...it's all rather depressing. These people I care so much for have seemingly moved on from our grand times in high school, eating our sushi and fighting over trivialities. I dont think that's a word but when you're Lisa you can just make up words and it's okay. People say I'm cocky but I'm just self-confident - I know who I am and that's all. Wow, I'm actually digging this Coldplay crap. Stupid Brits. Not so with the Kinks and all their peers, just the new mainstream wave of bad teeth and backwards roads. Zwan broke up a few weeks ago. I'm surprised I haven't written some epic on the subject; heaven knows Billy (a.k.a. my one true love) has broken my heart before, but never this bad. SEAN - YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE COOLEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. lingo-slinging, beatnik-craving, opium den lord friend, homie of the heart, soul sibling.

Like Dylan in the Movies

So I like it here a lot more now. I feel like I've got a group going, people I can chizill with and stuff. AND - I'm coming home this weekend...SO excited! I LOVE COLLEGE! Ew, this stupid RA from downstairs just "robbed" my room, i.e. we had a magnet in our door so we don't have to bring out keys everywhere, and since this is Safety Week they're checking all the rooms to make sure the doors are always locked. SO STUPID. We got "points" taken off. Too bad I don't give a crap. I'm pretty sure my student ward leaders think I'm an inactive Mormon too. They keep coming by and looking at my door, at least that's what my roommate says. Whatev, I think it's hilarious. And I won't be here Sunday so that will only exacerbate things hahaha. Yeah, I guess you kinda have to be Mormon to appreciate this, but it basically means they're going to start being REALLY nice to me to "try to get me to come back." I love it.

Will You Please Be There For Me

So school is getting better. I keep "falling in love" with different guys, but I'm pretty sure none of them feel the same way. Actually, I just want them for friends, except for Eddie. Eddie is this hot Asian upperclassman rocker dood. He digs my style, at least that's what he's implied the past few times he's talked to me ;)
School is good though. I'm studying hard but I have a really hard time with reading comprehension so I need to read better. Yeah, I dont know what else to say except that today I'm getting my hair cut, then Regan and I are going thrift store shopping, then we're chilling with Carl and his friends from Oregon. Last night I chilled with Andrea, her "bf" Sean, and BJemmitt. BJemmitt rocks all the way. Well, so do Andrea and Sean, but Sean's just visiting from U of W and Andrea's a bit risque for my tastes...but she's still way cool and knows what's happening. So I like that.
And I went to this awful organ recital with Lindsay for my music 101 class. There was a show down at Muse Music that Eddie wanted me to go to, but dang, I just had to prioritize .. haha.

Love lies in ruin

My mom and I had a huge breakthrough today. I told her why I hated her. I mean, I never really hated her through and through, but she scarred me emotionally and mentally. It's pretty private so I'm not going to say what it was about in such a public forum, but things are looking good for us. She told me she's really grateful for the way our relationship has blossomed and strengthened since I left home. And so am I. For so long all she would ever do was nag me nag me nag me, and I'm a free spirit who can't take fences. Being away from home has been great for me because I can finally be who I want to be all the time without her shadow looming over my bright sunshine. But yeah. I'm tired and need to read more before I go to bed. So goodnight to every little hour that you sleep tight, may it hold you to the winter of a long night and keep you from the Loneliness. Goodbye my love...

Til Saturday

Last night I saw Matt at the Fall Fling and he was quite dull. Well, I didn't realize it until Regan pointed it out. Matt's favorite poet is Poe, and he likes Wordsworth too. I was expecting some obscure poet, someone I'd never heard of. Instead, I was the one who knew all these random poets. I told him about "Buyer's Remorse" by Charles Harper Webb. I told him it had been on "All Things Considered," a literary program on NPR radio. But he stared at me blankly. Carl has me hooked on "power naps," short bursts of sleep scattered throughout the day. My average is two at half an hour each. They're awesome and really help me stay awake during classes. That's one thing I wish I'd known before I left for college: how little sleep one gets. Sleep is a rare jewel that no one cares about, a drug that's so accessible yet so undesirable. Sleeping means you're missing out on something whether it be precious study time or a raving party at the residence hall next door. Needless to say, I don't sleep much and I almost like it that way. Besides, professors are used to having kids fall asleep in class, aren't they ;) ? Tonight I went to a piano recital with Carl. The pianist was extremely good. Carl is so deep, such a better Mormon than I am. It's not good to compare oneself to others because then you feel worthless, but Carl is a great kid. I was wearing my black pointy boots and he told me he didn't like them. "Neither do I really," I said. So I took them off and walked home with him barefoot since that's more me anyway. Friends are good here, but I still miss the comfort and security of home.

To the Commonality

A few nights ago I met this guy Carl. www.ofpawnsdesign.com That's his band's website. Carl plays bass. I like them a lot. Things have been going well here. Today I saw Matt and talked to him for awhile. Then we got each other's numbers. Hopefully he's not as big of a bookworm as he seems and he'll call me. But he gave me his number too so I could always call him. My new food staple is creamy peanut butter. I love it so much. But yeah, Carl and Matt. Then there's this guy Brian who I'm totally in love with because he's just so nice and sweet and great. Wow, I sound like I'm 13. It's true though, that Brian is really nice. That's about it though. Tom and Lindsay are dating now and this hurts because I've been pushed out of my friendship with them, mainly Tom. But whatever. Today I told him that and said "Now the ball's back in your court." Hahaha. Sometimes only sports analogies work with him. But I need to do some HW before Regan, Carl and I chizill.

Until I Die of a Broken Heart

Yeah, I don't know why I've been so pissy lately. Well lately meaning last night and like right now (haha wonder why?) but I guess I shouldn't talk about it in such a public forum. Tonight I'm prob chilling with Regan and his old high school homies up in American Fork, a glorious 15 minutes away from Provo. W00T I really don't care since I'm sick of this campus and hanging out on it every stinkin night and day. But it's his 18th birthday, and as we are new bff's he wanted me there. Luckily, I've chilled with these kids before and they're all way cool. Especially Myles, who has excellent taste in music. So today I had a quiz for Music 101 and I got 18 out of 20, but then I had a quiz for Bio and I got 5 out of 5!! Yay! That made me so happy. And I didn't cheat either, which made me feel even better since I was having a hard time not peeking at my notes. So yeah, I need to call Regan and see what the dillyo is for tonight, tonight (SP allusion just in case you didn't catch it ;) ) JUST LOVE NO HATE!

we're not worthy

so byu is a pretty cool place. i keep meeting more and more people who i jive with. i talked to that guy matt again tuesday. he's so cute. really shy, doesn't talk much, but i think i can change that...at least when he's with me. talked to perry for awhile last night. i miss him like crazy. i miss everyone like crazy. i miss my dog like crazy. she's so sweet. a few night ago, my dad called me and i asked to speak to kimba. so he put the phone up next to her ear and dad said she was looking around fractically like, "Ah, where's Lisa? I hear her voice but I don't see her!!" Oh, I miss that pup so much. Her little sandpapery tongue, her soft puppy fur, her sweet slobber... tear tear. Oh well. I'm coming home in less than a month for my aunt's wedding, so that should be fun. She's getting big though (Kimba is, not my aunt ahahhaha), and I'm missing all of her childhood!! Okay, meeting REgan for lunch, gots to go.

I of the Mourning

So BYU is getting better. I've made so many new friends. Last night i met this guy named matt who looks like a cuter Rivers Cuomo...but i didn't get him number. i am so mad at myself./ he was so cute!!! but tom thought i'd see him again...hopefully i will. today i met these cool guys in my ward, Dan and Anders, they're cousins,Anders is from Palo Alto! REpresentin the BAy area fo shizzle dizzle. chilled with regan's (my new best guy friend of all time) high school friends the other night...they are so cool. so is regan. we love all the same music. this girl lindsay across the hall is way cool too, like my new homie. then today at church i met a lot of cool people too...so things are working out now and i like it here. waiting for becky cuz she needs to use my comp. whatev, gtg, later.

It's been a long time...

since i last wrote. sorry. but college preparations consumed my thoughts all last week. anway...i'm sitting alone in my room right now, listening to radiohead who're playing tonight about 15 minutes away from me. and then everyone is at the football game which i needed a pass for but didn't get since i didn't know where to get it. so now i'll be alone til maybe 10, 11 tonight? joy. that's okay though i guess. i'm having a bit of a hard time here since i inherently hate utah so much, and i need to unpack. who knows when i wouldve finally gotten around to it had i gone to the game. okay, now i'm making excuses for why i'm alone. but oh well man. like i just need some alone time i guess. i need to find my music people - like FAST. i'm already sick of this place. i'm sick of it all. i want to transfer to UCSF!!! haha, first day and i already dont like it. well i'll give it a chance at least. later.

karma police

today was my last day babysitting ryan and dilly. too bad ryan has every means of contact to me, i.e. AIM sn, email, both phone #s...sheesh. I got my new laptop last night. It ROCKS - typing on it now, though i think i might get a wireless mouse and keyboard to ease my hands. i have little to say, except that i sold about 25 cds at rasputin's today and only got 23 bucks for them all. rip off. but there are some dvds and cds i want before i take off, so i guess it works out all right.

Ladies Man

Yesterday at church Tom said, "Call me when you're done with dinner so we can chill." I said, "Yeah, okay." So I call him but he's taking out trash with his dad and says he'll call back in a few minutes. An hour and a half went by and he hadn't called. I went downstairs and told Robert we were going to feed the ducks. No sooner had I stepped out of the car did my phone ringeth. Tom came to the park with Robert and I. Here's the thing: if you don't call when you say you're going to call, and then let an hour-and-a-half pass I'm going to do something without you. I get all riled up anticipating an outing, and then I get flaked on for a little bit. I hope he wasn't offended at all, I don't think he was, I just hate waiting. My mom is stupid sometimes. She just walked by and got pissed at me for "talking to someone."
"I'm writing in my blog, mom."
"What's a BLOG?"
"An online journal."
Type type type My mom is stupid sometimes.
Ek. Welcome to my wonderful homelife.
I'm being forced to walk my dog, who's currently sleeping. Stupidity at its finest.

James Iha sucks

Things with my parents are looking up today. I tell ya: this past week has been the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. But church was good because I saw Tom and talked to him a lot face to face. We're kicking it tonight, and tomorrow night, and probably every night because he has nothing to do until he leaves for school. I'm excited though. It was weird today, like seeing and talking to him face to face, but it will get better soon. Perry called me during church today. My phone was on vibrate, but it was vibrating rather loudly (at least it seemed loud in a silent room!). It was like 3 o'clock and he had just woken up...hahhaa. I'm going to miss Perry so much though. He's become a rather good friend. Whatev man, whatev. Too many good friends after this summer. Not enough heart to leave with all of them.

Pissant

Life has hit an all-time low. Things were looking up until today at the garage sale my mom duked it out over the price of some boots I was selling for 7. Hello MOM< REAL LEATHER! I told the lady I'd take them for 6, my mom said I'd take them for 5. Excuse me mom, but i'm pretty sure those were my boots, NOT yours. Even Helen got pissed at my mom. So uncalled for. Then I sold this bracelet she gave me a long time ago for 3 dollars. Turns out it was 14 kt. gold and a college graduation gift from my mom's mom to my mom. I didn't know man! She has no justification for getting pissed at me when i had no idea where that thing came from. granted the thing meant a lot to her, but it meant nothing to me and i didn't know, or else i wouldn't have sold it. point being: i hate being at home, i want to get out of here forever man. so look man, i'd love to keep writing but i just dont care anymore.

A Pirate's Life For Me

Everything's going a bit more smoothly with my parents. My mom seems to have put it behind her; my dad is going through horrible separation anxiety, and though he's upset I lied to him, he's cherishing the short time we have left together. GARAGE SALE TOMORROW, 8-2 pm, MY HOUSE 200 CHEVAL LANE!!! COME AND GET SOME NEW DUDS FOR SCHOOL! Okay, enough plugging the garage sale...I need to go finish pricing ;) Tom came home yesterday and I need to call him. Nothing else worth saying...except that I am SO over you-know-who, the jerk.

Double Trouble

My parents found out about my party last night, right after I got home from Best Buy where my dad was about to drop $1800.00 on my new laptop. The day my parents left I looked my dad in the eye and told him I wasn't going to have anyone over, full well knowing that come that Tuesday night my backyard would become the stage for Hagen. My dad is really upset because he thought that out of all the kids in my fam he could trust me. ME. And then I "lied" to him (I didn't see it as lying though, I saw it as not telling him...wait that IS a lie) about having people over. But having a party when your parents are gone is a teenage rite of passage - it's something I was so compelled to do, I didn't care of the consequences. Sadly, even though my dad is completely crushed, I'm not sure if I DO care. I see myself as an adult who can make their own choices and suffer through their mistakes, an adult whose parents have taught them all they need to know. I'm trying so hard to break away and not need my parents anymore; this was an attempt at that. My dad sees it as blatant rebellion to his orders, as deliberate disobeying of his rules and wishes. I saw it as an adventure and a mission, like "I HAVE TO DO THIS!" I did it. Was it worth it? That night yeah, Hagen ROCKED! They blew the roof off the sky! They woke up the sun and almost made it daylight again!! But now? Well, I did what I set out to do, I accomplished my goal, but I hurt my dad in the process and lost his trust. He came in my room last night at like 1:00 and said, "I still love you Lisa," gave me a hug and all that. I still love you too Dad, this wasn't any indication of other feelings. It was something I HAD to do! He needs to understand that. Sure it wasn't the best thing to Have to do, but it was a great thing! Not many regrets really...except now I'm probably not getting the laptop I wanted... :( Life was already hell here anyway, Becky and I leaving for college and all...separation anxiety, you know. I got two good songs out of it though!

Spontanaeity

Today Beth and I went to the beach. You know, the one in Pacifica with the Taco Bell. It was fun, talking to her again. Some people I just start missing too much, like Beth. We're great friends, she's one of my truest, and I'm going to miss her as we trot off to schools thousands of miles away in two weeks. Of course, there's always email and AIM. And Bianca. Ah Bianca. Haven't had good quality time with her in a long time. Went to Da Lat, Bed Bath and Beyond, and then Ross where I purchased a wonderful black skirt with pink polka dots. Should go perfectly with my sexy black heels ;) And then there's Perry. Ah Perry. That kid messes up his life so badly sometimes. But he's a good kid with a good heart, and I think he just needs someone to see that sometimes, to see that underneath all the drinking and faces he's just a young, depressed, vulnerable kid who needs a good friend once in a while. And I hope I am that for him and that we can continue our late night walks into trouble...hahahaha. And I hope he didn't get in too much trouble with his parents, but I'm pretty sure he's getting an extensive and unnecessary "yelling at" as I type this. But this is how teenagehood goes. Nothing harmful transpired - it's just the fact he was doing something (i.e. out for a walk in the dead of night) that is undesirable in society's eyes. But it's late and I'm going to go to bed and think.

Welcome to the jungle

The little shindig went over well, largely to the superior performance of Hagen. www.hagenmusic.com They are really REALLY good. A little shaky at times, but hey, even the best bands make mistakes. Zak ran into my screen door going into the backyard, but he at least didn't punch a hole. Oh wait, Hannah ran into the screen door too, but she DID punch a hole! HAHahahahaha. NAh, it was funny, I really don't care, I just have to make up an excuse or get it replaced before my parents come home tomorrow...EEK! But overall it was djali good fun. Wish Celeste could've been there, but she was gone camping :( Going to the beach with Beth-san today - YAY! I haven't been to the beach in a long time, like a few months and that's a long time for me. Man, I'm so tired. Didn't go to bed til about 1 last night, but then I woke up at 7 this morning. Bleh. Maybe I can nap on the beach yo. Something still hurts too. Like I think I'm over it, but then I start thinking about it and him again and I just start crying. It hurts man, it never goes away. But I think I'll be okay eventually. TOM COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!!!

Come sail away

Just found out that Paz left Zwan to "pursue other interests." I feel utterly betrayed :(

Tu dis rien

Ah, got this CD Saturday at Amoeba. Louise Attaque. A French band whose albums are rarely on this side of the Atlantic. I don't have anything else to say really. Wait, I do. I was going to go to chorus camp with Beth on Wednesday and then up to Yosemite to hike around. With my parents out of town, I could've just gone without asking them, and they most likely would've never found out. But instead, I asked them, and they said no. I'm pissed. And they're being unreasonable.

Criminal

My brother tried to hack into my blog today. Almost succeeded too, until I walked in the room, catching him in mid-click. Im pretty excited and happy to be getting out of here - my whole family is on the fritz. Dad has raised his normal vocal level to about a 9 (on a scale of 1 to 10, mind you), Mom grinds her teeth during the night causing extreme jaw pain and paralyzing numbness, Robert's acting like a Zen Buddhist prophet, Katie's obsessing over nothing and everything at the same time, Michael, well Michael's so happy-go-lucky he doesn't even notice anything's wrong, and Becky and I are just sitting back, endlessly waiting for the 27th when we're driving back to school. Got a skull and crossbones ring yesterday. Way cool. Man, my cover almost got blown on Yosemite with Beth this Wednesday today at church. Maybe I should just ask my mom if I can go; that might be the best thing even though I'm scared stiff she'll say no. But I haven't been out of the Bay Area ALL SUMMER AND I'M GOING CRAZY MAN!!! CABIN FEVER AT IT'S WORST!!! So man, I don't know what else to talk about except that Helen's pissed at me for bailing on her Wednesday for Beth. I think I said this is yesterday's entry, but man when I write so late at night I can't remember right from left and all that. So forgive me. Man I'm going to bed.

And one for the road...

thought bubbles linger out of my head like scorpions
let's throw out some years and regroup
you blossom and circle feline before me
slow down, take a breath, you're getting nervous
there's only your voice on my ears and there's nowhere I have to be

Rivers We Can't Cross

Got new tires put on my mom's car this morning. Rudely awoken by my father at 6:30, fell asleep, rudely re-awoken half and hour later. Spent two and a half hours waiting at the tire place for them to finish. Hell smells like rubber - I know from experience. Chilled on Telegraph with Zak and his summer school friend Jessica. I like meeting new people. Met up with with Coty and Perry there. They act like junkies. Smoke a lot of cigs. I don't like it when Perry smokes around me. Well, I don't like it in general, but especially not around me. Sat on the corner outside Amoeba with him for awhile as people passed by wondering if we had smokes. He did, but I guess they're hard to get ahold of when you look like a teddy bear. Zak dealt various grunts and words in my direction, obviously uncomfortable with the "squatting" situation. Perceptiveness aside, I picked up on it. After about the tenth "Well okay" on his part, we left, one record and two cd's richer. "Gish" on vinyl for him, a Louise Attaque and Elastica album for me. Dinner came soon - 6 o'clock - new neighbors came over for tri-tip and refreshingly organic fruit salad. Supposed to chizill with Hizelen tonight, but to no avail - I bailed on her for Chinatown Wednesday, she bailed on me tonight. Hopefully we're even as I'm not too good at catch. Spent the night playing bass and guitar (both electric and acoustic), contemplating the drawings that found me on the bottom of the pool table, and watching design shows on TV, my favorite way to be lazy and get good design ideas at the same time. I feel distance between me and old friends now, even between new friends. But one is silver and the other gold, so time will heal. Fame is on its way - I can feel it. Church tomorrow, singing with Dad, Katie, Mel, Katie P, and Bishop. Becky on piano. Should be nice. I hate sentimentalities like saying goodbye. So I won't. Left-hand fingers callousing from playing bass already, shouldn't be long until it doesn't hurt anymore. Lost my book "Road Fever." Started reading Camus' "The Rebel" only to realize it's a 300+ page essay about rebellion. Interesting for the first 14 pages, but dulled quickly. But I read it at the tire store, so maybe it was the rubbery fumes of hell clouding my thoughts. Tom comes home Thursday. Heartbreak ends never, even though it's been a few weeks. I need to give him his CD back, but I'm scared because I know all the therapy will go to waste and I'll break down anyway, whether in his presence or elsewhere. Stream-of-consciousness junkie.

Tear

Alright Zak and I were talking about this song earlier, so I decided to title this entry that. Here's the deal: I think I've finally found a fav band. OH MY GOSH! CRIMINAL! Yes, it is a little bit, but The Smashing Pumpkins are almost def my fav band. And Zwan too, but I haven't heard enough of their material to make a sound opinion on their placement in my "tier of fav bands." Man, I hate it how some people just won't leave me alone online, talking about stupid stuff that I don't care about...man. I just listen because I know how much it hurts when I tell people important things and they don't care. So I persevere and endure the mindless babbling, but shoot it gets annoying really fast. My brother has hobbit feet. I feel like watching Fellowship. I'm going to miss these people here so much, but man I can't wait to leave for school. It's so soon I can't stand it man! so tonight perry calls about kicking it tomorrow and he says he's going ot take bart becase he has other friends coming, but shoot perry! if i wanted to hang with your other friends i would've called them up and asked them to chill instead of you! I want to chill with you dumbo that's why i asked you! bah! he frustrates me. he's smoking himself stupid man, drinking his liver away. i don't think he realizes how much crap he's into. he blames it on jazz - that the jazz culture and lifestyle "made" him do it. oh yeah man, i dig that for sure. just like my mormon culture "made" me go to byu, live a completely mormon life. yeah, no free agency in that choice at all. give me a break. i'm going to yell at him when he calls tomorrow.

The Everlasting Gaze

So tonight I chilled with Bea and Celeste,and I know they will read this, but I honestly feel so distant from them both now., They're always off hanging out together and I guess I feel left out. But that's how it's always been - they always call one another to chill and I chill with other friends. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but when we're supposed to be best friends. And I'm leaving SO SOON, but we've made no plans to chill... I don't know, I'm prob flipping out over nothing, but it just hurts a bit that I don't know what's going on in their lives at all. "And so begins the end," says Gandalf. It's kind of true, too. I hardly talk to Bea anymore, Celeste is always distant when I'm talking to her online. It hurts. Life has been really hard for me lately, emotionally at least, and this old life of mind is ending. I don't want our friendships to end with it, but man I just don't know. That's enough crying.

Galapogos

This a good Pumpkins song, though my current fav is "Stand Inside Your Love" off Machina. My roommate emailed me last night - yay! She's from Hawaii - way cool - it calmed my fears about having a dreadful roommate. I figure if she's from Hawaii she's at least a little bit cool. She wrote in the subject box: "Aloha to my roommate!" - which I found cool. She's a lot like me already: overtly enthusiastic, one of five kids, light brown hair and green eyes (though my hair is currently a coppery red), neither of us have really close friends going to BYU, although I have Becky and Tom (who's coming home a week from today!)...So I'm actually excited for school now. I cleaned out my dresser AND closet yesterday, a world record for me as I rarely clean anything, let alone an entire dresser and closet. The Garage Sale is next Friday and Saturday and Helen and I are way excited. We both have so much stuff man. I've got four bags of clothes and 11 pairs of shoes, not to mention another bag full of flip-flops and purses. Woo hoo. Will be rolling in dough soon hopefully. Alright, I need to go start my day.

Try Try Try

But only doing counts. I am so excited for school now. I was so scared about my roommate, but she's from HAWAII!! Huzzah! She has to be at least moderately cool if she's from Hawaii. And as long as she likes the Smashing Pumpkins I think we'll be okay ::wink wink::. Oh man, I am so frickin relieved. This was my only fear about going to school, and now I'm cured of my sickness. Okay. Not much else to talk about. That was the highlight of my day, sadly. But I need to go college shopping again, finish getting my storage items and all that; however, my beloved Leo (a.k.a. The Tank) is in the shop getting its transmission juices changed, but I should have it back in an hour or so. Phew! I am so relieved! Billy Forever!

Stand Inside Your Love

This is my current fav Pumpkins song. Man, the lyrics are awesome. So's the vid. Today I turned on the vid and the song on my stereo at the same time, but the TV was a split-second after the stereo so the song echoed through my room. Man it was awesome. I had something meaningful to write tonight. Oh yeah. Today Perry came over for a little while. It was good to see the kid, but man he's smoking himself retarded. I knew he had smoked on the way over to my house; he wreaked of it. But then he denied it when I called him on it. Perry man, you are wasting away your life. You are too good of a kid, too good of a person, you have too much of a good brain and talent to waste your cells smoking and drinking. Man I just hate seeing people I care about self-destruct. He blames it on jazz. That whole group is so image-conscious, always worried what the other kid is going to think, you know? So juvenile, so opposite of what they preach. They say, "Be yourself, dress how you feel, shop wherever you want," but then they turn around and yell at yuppies, spend hours planning out what's cool enough to wear. I don't get it man. I've never understood that group; that's probably why I never became a part of them even though we would've gotten along, you know? I can't deal with all that crap. And I can't deal with sleepdrunkeness, so I'm going to bed now.

I Need More Allowance...

...odelay-ee-oooh! Alright, my cell phone bill went way over last month, so please do not call me on it until I become less paranoid. Give me a week for that. At least. Dang, I haven't written in this thing for awhile. My dad's going through separation anxiety/another mid-life crisis as my sister and I are leaving for school soon, so he's reacting strangely, i.e. taking away my computer, yelling at me for things I didn't do, ummmmm yeah. Parents. Sheesh. My mom at least said she would take me shopping tonight. Hopefully she means she'll actually buy me something. Sheesh again. I keep having dreams that I hate BYU and I transfer to UCSC. Awesome dream. Last night I dreamt that I met Billy Corgan and then we became an "item." Hahaha, in yo' dreams, Lisa. Well hey. Man, so much is going on getting ready for school and everything, but I feel like I haven't done anything. I have luggage, clothes, a set schedule, really everything I need - I feel so unprepared. Probably normal anxiety, but I rarely get anxious; these feelings are foreign. Ah well. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I regret being so careless buying CDs for all these years. I do listen to most of them, but now I NEED MONEY, and I could have it all back if I just hadn't bought those CDs in the first place. Anyhow, I'm having a huge garage sale at my house soon, lots of my clothes, Helen's clothes, my CDs, lots of GOOD STUFF! So stop by. I'll put the details up as soon as I know myself. I have a new goal for my music career also: become a DJ. Like a house DJ. Wicked man! Just wait: I'll be the biggest thing in the UK since, uh, the Beatles! It's gonna rock. You'll see. That and SLC being the new Omaha.

Everybody Hurts

Cried today. A lot. But not until I got home and was yelled at by my mom for crying. What's that man? And then I hung out with Helen, which was of course fun, and we watched my new Smashing Pumpkins DVD. I took her home and my dad got pissed at me, gave me the whole "Don't raise your voice with me" speech, even though I was only doing it because he accused me of things I did not do. Hmmm, remember last Christmas Dad? Man, if you guys haven't heard that story, have me tell you sometime. It was the Christmas from hell. No, from below hell. I hate Christmas because of what happened. My parents, especially my mom, have left me with severe emotional scars and open wounds due to their constant criticism of who I am. And dang it, I can't help who I am. I wrote a song just now about how my parents make me cry more than anyone. Someday you'll hear it played on the radio. Everyone will cry. It'll be good. And the vid - oh just wait - it's going to be great. It's going to make everyone cry their heads off. Sometimes I feel like the best thing I could ever do for myself would be to never speak to them again after I'm financially self-sufficient. Suck the coconut til it's dry and then toss them aside like they've done all my dreams and future plans. Whatev man, one month tomorrow. One month tomorrow...

Mellon Collie and the Infinte Sadness...

...is here, but not that bad. Sleeping helps, even though my mind raced throughout the night and I woke up a few times and couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour each time. Now it's 8 o'clock and I'm running on about 4 hours. Man, haven't done this since, heck I can't even remember. So I'm a little bit sad today because I finally confessed my feelings to "Friend X" and now he has something going on with a different girl, who also happens to be a friend of mine. Well geez louise. I kind of figured something like this would happen, and hey it might even be for the best because I didn't want to leave for school with any kind of romantic attachments anyway. Gotta leave room for the hott Mormon boys, you know...;) Haha, the irony. Last stop: sadnessville, next stop: RockStarDomville. I don't care much about school at this point; just getting my career off the ground and hooking up with a band who I can get there with is what matters. I've got it all planned out: I start a little indie band in Provo,which is near enough to SLC we can get there on weekends to play shows. Or we could just play at BYU all the time too. From there we get a record deal with Saddle Creek, famed record company holding bands like Bright Eyes, Azure Rey and Rilo Kiley under its belt. Next we rise in the indie circuit, playing shows wherever we can, hooking up with Conor (even though I think he's a whiny little twirp) because he's actually going somewhere in the music scene right now, thanks to his Kodak moments with klepto Winona Ryder. Okay, so we have the record deal and Conor, now we bring new interest to SLC because that's where we're from. Soon there will be festivals like South by Southwest there, hosted by me and my band, possibly named Fat Pigeon (I think it's way funny, you can laugh too, just please at the name and not me), and before you know it, the indie love will have spread everywhere and me and my bandmates will be rich beyond our wildest dreams and we will give it all back through hosting our own little SXSW. SLC will be the new Omaha. I told Tony that and he laughed, but it was because he doesn't know if he should take me seriously or not. Well Tony, take me seriously, because someday you'll be writing about me and my band in those little reviews of yours. Oh yeah, Zwan will be involved somehow too. Maybe we'll do a collaberation or something, or I'll sing backup vocals to Billy's nasal screech. Yeeeeah.

Baby, Now That I've Found You

I can't let you go, I've built my world around you. I need you so, darling even though you don't need me, you don't need me! I love this song SO much. It's by the Foundations. Kimba is sad being the only pup at home now. She's doing alright, she doesn't bark anymore (which is good), but she's a lot more subdued and quiet. Still as loveable as ever though. Dang, I don't have much to say. I have a lot on my mind, but it's pretty personal - this forum isn't the best place to vent or share such intimate thoughts. I need to tell someone something. Some of you know what that is, and for those of you who don't know, that's as close to the truth as I'm going to get here. I'm bored with this and have nothing meaningful to write. Meaning..ah, meaning...plaguing my thoughts these days...

The Summer Wind...

...is confusing me. Why is it thunderstorm cloudy and still 90 degrees outside? I mean COME ON weatherman in heaven, make up yo mind! Went to the Times today and schmoozed with Tony. Cool guy. Talked a lot about music and writing (obviously) but also what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Found out how it all works. Getting a job as a reporter doesn't sound that hard; like most things, those people are all there because of hook-ups. And I know five whole people at the Times now: Lisa Wrenn the features editor, editors Karen Hershenson and Randy McMullen, a sports writer named Curtis, and of course Tony. So I think should I ever want a job at the Times, I've at least got one-and-a-half feet in the door. I hate worrying about my future though, hate it a lot, which is why I'm going to be a rock star so I can just go with the flow because that's what I like doing more than anything. Except for when I need to change something, that breaks the flow. But life is a flow, so I'm going to do a little shaping but generally let destiny find me. And destiny for me is rock stardom - you just wait ;) There's a certain someone who I want to call me right now...ahem. We took my puppy Rocky back to the breeder today. Two intelligent puppies is just too much to handle. So now we just have Kimba, and not only are we much happier with just her, but also she seems to be much happier too. She no longer must fight for dominance all the time; she knows we're all The Boss, not Bruce Springsteen "The Boss," just "the boss of her now, la la la" to quote They Might Be Giants only hit song "Boss of Me," also known as the theme song for FOXs hit show "Malcolm in the Middle" starring that unbearable little twirp Frankie Muniz who owns a rare $250,000 Porsche roadster. Phugh. I hate that guy, and not for all his money, for his attitude. Yeah.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

for all you faithful blog readers (if there even are any...) i promise i will write something good soon...just been way too busy. billy corgan rocks. our wedding date is set for september 12, 2007. *psycho* sometimes when i talk about billy like this people look at me funny and seem to get uncomfortable, but i don't care. it's true.

Sailing for adventure on the deep blue wet thing

Ah, the joys of summer. Did nothing of consequence today, except for buy two new CDs whilst chilling with Helen (one in Japanese, way cool) and go to SF for dinner as it's my father's 50th date of birth. Alright, that's wrong, but it's his 50th birthday. Every time I begin writing in this blog I become very bored. It's a bit weird. But I always write at night when my brain is on a bit of a standstill. I don't know why I'm so terribly scared in making a move with you-know-who. Well, some of you "know who;" most of you don't. And that's how it's going to stay until things are official. Normally I'm such a forward and honest person; one would think this would be no trouble. Well, normally it isn't. Oh well, I'll do something about it if i REALLY want to. Perry is home. I need to call him so I can kick his butt in pool; however, I haven't played in about three weeks. Yikes. He may beat me yet...:) Tom comes home in four and a half weeks and I CAN'T WAIT. I'm going to go learn a new Pumpkins song.

Jesus I

Got my puppies yesterday. Finally settled on the name's Rocky for the boy, and Kimba for the girl. They are extremely cute, though Rocky never pees or poops in the right place, always on the lawn or something. Not fun to clean up. But he's cute so that makes it all better...heh heh. Finally collected all my Muppet toys from Jack in the Box. You don't know how many Kids Meals I had to buy for that. 8. Eight. 8 whole kids meals because they gave me a duplicate toy one of the times. Man. I'm bored with this and really have nothing to write. Except that my puppies are cute. If I know you and you want to come see them, by all means, give me a ring. 899.7505 or sn: lisaloo92 or email l_rue@hotmail.com. I love showing them off, you see.

God's Gonna Set This World On Fire

...one of these days. Thanks to Zwan. Writing this as a shoutout to Celeste, my home-dawg, polliwog, leap frog, hot dog, that's enough. I am tired tonight. My puppies are coming Monday. I'm babysitting at 8:30 tomorrow morning. That's so early. I don't get up til at least an hour later most mornings. What a lazy bean I am. What's a eunuch?

A Thousand Years

Summer is going by quickly. Luckily. Chilled with Ali last night in a late rendezvous at B and N. Love getting lost in that place. Talked about current troubles, i.e. love. Always troubles with love. Supposed to go chill with Tony at the Times today. Bailed for the second week in a row to take someone to the airport. Oh well. Tentative rescheduling next Wednesday. I hate how the one thing that's troubling me most right now I can't write about on here for fear the person it's about will read it. Dang. Hmmm. I think I'll go shopping. I always do that to kill time. Maybe perfume and makeup shopping today. Sounds good. There's a sale at Rhinestone Cowboy, the biggest rip-off of all time, but their sales are alright. I'm bored. I only write in my blog when I'm bored. Fight the boredom with all new Blog! Ha! That was excrutiatingly lame.

Everything just feels like rain

empty-armed
and half a soul to go

and all i wanted
was you here next to me
a little sunshine and sympathy

now everybody knows
that i've been hanging down so low
'cause now i'm feeling up
soon i'll be feeling out so cold
wondering, will you call
and now i'm feeling high
soon i'll be feeling left for dead
sometimes someone saying yes
changes what you'll bet

and all i wanted
was just to hold you close
a little sunshine
just to butter my toast
and your love next to mine

i had to let you know
that we were meant to be just right
heaven sent, not sympathized
by everybody's lie
and now i'm feeling high
now i'm feeling left so dead
kicking up the dust in bed
wondering, i guess

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

and your love
your love
your love next to mine

i had to let you know
i had to let you go so i
could see my lie fade from your eyes
and to my surprise

that's what i wanted
it's all i wanted
it's what i wanted
me and you

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted
that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted

There There

Some Jehovah's Witnesses just came to my door. They don't leave us alone because they know we're LDS so they're trying to convert us or something. Sorry, not interested. So bored today. Was supposed to go paint fences for some people I helped move a week or so ago, but they're postponing the painting due to the demolishing of their free-standing garage. Mom, Robert and Katie are in Utah, Dad's at work all day, as is Becky, Michael is going to his friend's house for the rest of the day and then spending the night. Hence, I am alone today. Probably go to Ikea and get another quiltcover...they're only $19.99 rock on. I'd better go. Don't want to stay online all day. Must get out and go shopping to kill time. Sweet.

Imagine all the people...

You finish it. Tonight was awesome. Went to SF with Celeste, Bianca, Kim, J-Ho, Sam, her cousin Carly and bf Tom to see the fireworks. Niiiiice. But they were lame. A Thom Yorke-ish looking guy hit on Celeste - said she had nice eyes. But then he proceeded to stare at her for the rest of the trainride (Rockridge to Embarcadero). Dang - he was kind of cute, but the staring thing was a wee bit scary. Pasha - you should've come. The fireworks were lame, I already said that. We went parading around Union Square and up Geary to The Clift. Dang, that place is awesome. Exactly how I want my future house decorated. Lots of brown, dark wood, leather, fur (oh baby, fur chairs and everything)...it's posh, sophisticated, erotic, kinky...everything I like and more. We checked out a room - it's niiice. Mirrors on the headboard wall and the wall closest to the foot of the bed. My future bedroom is going to have LOTS of mirrors...ESPECIALLY on the CEILING. Oh Yeah. Look, I'd better get to bed and think about all this. Plus, I'm heading out to some flea markets tomorrow (yipee skipee) so I should sleep.

Sick and sore

Ah, the beauty of summer. Got a letter from Tom today. Good to hear from him. He's doing well, though most of you don't care. Allison moves back to Nebraska tomorrow. I am going to miss her a lot. Hannah is doing well in Italy, though I miss her a lot too. I don't think I can handle having three best friends (Tom, Allison, Hannah) away. It's going to be really hard. Just came home from a saxophone lesson. I LOVE IT. My teacher says "I have a lot of soul" which is a good thing in jazz. Woohoo - it's my new passion and reason for living. Going to see my pups tonight. Current names are: Kimba still for the girl, the boy - Ozzy, but my brother doesn't like it as it alludes to the blood-sucking former Black Sabbath frontman (Ozzy Osbourne, you idiot). Thus, he will continue his life as "Runt" until we think of something we can all agree on. Bleh. Ah, I'm bored. I have no car.

Pink triangles

Tonight I am going to a goodbye party for Allison. I am going to miss her a lot. I got her a cool present too, but I don't want to say what it is in case she reads this before then. I love incense. I like buying people presents. I love the sun - it is such a nice day outside. The tank came home today, only to be stolen away by my dad who returned to scout camp. I am mad; my heart yearns for it's sturdy, comforting steel frame that towers over the miniscule vehicles driving next to it. I grow sick without it. And I am sick of driving a stick shift too...way too much brain power...too many things to do. Mom and Becky in SF for the rest of the day, Robert and I home alone...again. Always watching the Disco Channel. That's Discovery Channel, btw. Well well well, I guess I'll go lay my boredom down to rest, afternoon naps are the best. Lame rhymes make me feel fine. I'll shut up now...

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

Ah, the irony. My tank is still in the shop. I miss it SO much. I never thought I could miss a car so much, but it holds a special place in my heart. I need it back soon. REALLY soon. Bought 3, count 'em 3, new CDs tonight: Sorry about Dresden, Songs for the Brokenhearted, and Smashing Pumpkin's Gish. HA! I have a new Smashing Pumpkins icon, which is very cool, I must say. I almost leaped out of my chair when I found it. I think I just used the wrong kind of leaped, but I don't really feel like fixing it. I am bored with life right now. I want to go away for a few days, like just to Mount Diablo or Mount Tam, maybe farther. I need to get away though, clear my head a bit, meet some new people. GO TO ASHLAND! That would be the best, though I doubt that'd fly with my parents. Maybe make a new friend. Fly a kite, that'd be fun. I'm a dork now.

The Execution of All Things

Intruiging day. Hung out with Helen, who rocks to the core of the earth. Going to the Rilo Kiley show with her, if I can get some wheels by then. The tank is still in the shop, sadly. That's partly why I've been depressed. Not to mention my unsurprising ventures back into depressing indie. But like I said, it's unsurprising. Must babysit again tomorrow. Hopefully I will not have to take them to the pool - too many LL kids go there, and I just don't like having to put on a Prufrock face. Can't do it anymore. Puppies names have changed again. Girl is still Kimba, boy was Obi-Wan at dinner, but now is something undecided. Mom can't make up her mind - she's the biggest hypocrite since I don't know. I have Tom DeLonge's (lame dood from Blink 182) sn. Don't ask me how I got it - I won't tell you. I am scared for Tom to come home. I am scared for lots of things. Like college. Like getting into some kind of trouble this summer. Like not professing my undying love for someone special. Ah, I just popped the Reindeer Section into my stereo. Haven't done that in a few months, basically because I have a hard time finding the CD I want amidst my collection of hundreds...haha shameless bragging. Ties with a best friend are slowly loosening...I don't know how to fix it, mainly because I feel this loosening isn't my fault. Oh well I guess. There are other fish in the sea. I hate cliches such as that one. I need change - I crave it constantly. I'm bored with this.

chair

I'm depressed. Clinically depressed. I came home early after a night of hanging with Jared to feel like a loser. I came home early. Anyone who reads this blog is going to know me really personally, btw. I don't tell anyone these things. I rarely care what people think of me, but for some reason, I feel like I need to stay out the latest and hang out the most. Is that a prob? Probably not, but I don't know why I feel that way. So instead I take lame internet tests that test my political prowess and emotional instability. This one test told me I'm clinically depressed and that I should seek professional help - which would probably help. I could use therapy. I just get sad too easily. But I crave sadness. I wrote a personal essay for my creative writing class about why I crave sadness. Wasn't my best writing, but it was honest, so I guess that makes it good. Earlier this year I was extremely depressed, but not too many people could tell you that. That's because I put on a mask like Prufrock and didn't ever say anything about it. But it was because April died. I miss her so much; I always will. I'm depressed now because of one stupid friend who professes his undying loyalty to me but turns around and is a total jerk. And I'd drop him entirely but I just love him too much. But you know who makes me happy? Ali. And Pasha too. They're funny guys and they make me laugh. But I crave someone who understands my sadness...that's all I need. Someone to be sad with, someone who knows how I feel when I'm happy and when I'm sad, someone who will share their sadness with me too. Man, I'm a hopeless sap. And I bought four new CDs today. It is Autumn on my money tree.

Let down, again

Just got back from hanging out with Kevin, and his friend Nadare whom I've never met in my life. The whole time they were talking about their friends and inside jokes, so I felt pretty stupid. I couldn't input anything into the conversation because I had no idea who or what they were talking about. It sucked - I had an awful time. His friend is cool, for sure, it just went back to "two's a company, three's a crowd." So I'm let down because I thought I was going to have a fun time with Kevin, a friend I see entirely too little of. Whatev, I guess. I got four new CDs - that kind of cheers me up. Not really, but okay...heh heh. Well, I'm going out, so yeah. I need to get rid of Kevin's car smell.

SECOND ENTRY FOR TODAY - YOWZERS!

Alright, I've just decided I'm going to marry Billy Corgan. Again. Plain and simple. The guy is a guitar god, not to mention his bald head is impossbily irresistible. I just want to lick it. Yeah, it sounds kinky, and any images from that are kinky, but who cares. He probably likes kinky stuff. I'd better stop there before I say something I'll regret. My puppy is doing well, btw. She is very colorful now, but no big black spots which is supposed to be desirable for the breed. S.w.e.e.t. Hmmm, what else? I bought the new Mars Volta album today. Jared called with the bad news that their show is sold out. MAN am I PISSED about that. That was one show this summer I DID NOT want to miss. If anyone out there has tix and doesn't want them, let me know dang it! Today was a boring day - I think just because I don't have my precious tank so I'm stuck driving the Acura. It does have a better soundsystem, at least. How which car I drive can dictate the pleasure rating of my day, I don't know. One must not question these things. Tomorrow I am hanging out with Kevin, and I think we will go to the SF Guitar Center so I can see if they have my precious Epiphone Les Paul LH in Cherry Sunburst. It is one fine piece of wood, you dig? Oh, I can hear the sweet overtones now, reverb galore, feedback abundant. I'll have sweet dreams about that gal tonight, for sure (the guitar, I mean). Now here's an idea: I'm going to get a job writing concert and CD reviews for an online zine or some website so I can get into shows for FREE. How cool is that? Tony suggested it to me. He is The Man. He and Johnny (a.k.a. Mr. Dewes). That there is one cool dood. Alright, I'm out like a light. Peace. Wish me luck chillin' with Kevin tomorrow...

What's goin' on, what's goin' on

Hey there, kids! Been driving stick today - I still don't like it - scares me to death for some reason. That, the dark and walking across log bridges are my three biggest fears ever. But I guess driving stick doesn't hold a candle to the other two. So, I'm alright. I have a lot to talk about - I know I do - I just can't think of anything. I'm better at writing really late at night. I'll write more later. For now, I'm off to visit my puppy!

Rock me all night long

I'm watching B.B. King - live - on TV right now. With Jeff Beck. If you've never heard of those guys, uh, I'm sorry for you. Don't even bother if you don't know who they are yet. But for those of you who do know who they are, they're really rocking right now. Beck's playing an awesome solo on a Strat right now - a little unconventional (I'd opt for the Tele for solos) but he wails, so it's all goooood. Um, so yeah. I worked way too long today - about 6 hours - and it wouldn't be that bad if I weren't so tired from working every other day this week and not going to bed until late. Meh. I had my first saxophone lesson today - it was very fun. My teacher, Tony, has this giant poster of Charlie Parker right on the wall, and he stares at you as you play. I bought my brother that poster a while back at T-Shirt Orgy, but I'm pretty sure he lost it. Then again, maybe it's hanging on his wall. Either way I'm taking it with me to college. He won't miss it...;). So yeah, my day was rather boring, though I'm hoping to go to SF tomorrow and play frisbee on the marina or sumting. That might be fun... Rightee-o!

"Fallin' out of sleep"

Just got another Smashing Pumpkins album today - "Adore." Def good, really mellow for the Pumpkins. Quite remarkable actually, their versatility, I mean. Sometimes they rock harder than hard; othertimes they're mellower than a sleeping snail. Do snails even sleep? Okay, bad analogy, but I think y'all probably get the gist. Um, I have my first saxamophone lesson tomorrow! Woohoo, am I excited! For one WHOLE HOUR too! It's gonna be good. I'll be playing like Charlie Parker before you know it! Then I can show Cuddly Evil Bear how smooth I rock and we'll fall in love and live happily ever after 'til I leave for college. Hmmm, this could work. Or fail. Or both. Um, I know other stuff happened today. Oh yeah! I went to Old Navy and Ross with Celeste. And then I babysat these two kids, a ninth grader and third grader, well, I really chauffered them around to keep them away from gluttony. The ninth grader has three guitars - a bass, electric, and acoustic - and loves Led Zep and Grateful Dead and all that, so I took them to Guitar Center and Rasputin's and Best Buy. The little one likes video games, so we went to the mall too. They are probably the two coolest kids I've ever babysat, which is saying a lot because I've babysat a lot in my day. Yes, they are cool. Oh, I almost forgot the funniest part! We were driving up Main Street and Ryan, the older one, started making this screeching noise (think a Ringwraith screech) at general passers- and driversby. This one old Chinese guy started yelling at him in Mandarin or something - we couldn't tell what he said obviously - but then he proceeded to follow us for about a mile down the road. WAY SCARY. That guy was psycho. Then we were down on Main Street by Jamba Juice and Starbucks and all that, and Ryan started saying casually to this guy on the sidewalk "Hey man, you're reallly cool. Yeah, you, you're way cool." The guy (who had the gangliest teeth I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot since I work at a dentist's office) came over to my car on Ryan's side and was like, "Hey man, how's it going?" Then he patted the side of my car and walked away. First off, the guy was a complete and utter nerd, but second of all, does he think he's being cool by patting the side of my car and flashing his disgusting grin? Does he think he's cute? Well sorry man, you're just about the ugliest thing since Moe Syzlak and I'm pretty sure there was spinach protruding out of your crooked chompers too. Man, Walnut Creek is getting weird. OH YEAH, I was driving on Main Street again later today with Celeste, and there were street people, I'm talking full-blown, hackey sacking, dreadlock-sporting, Birkenstock-clad people, sitting on the sidewalk outside of Starbucks. I tell ya, Walnut Creek is def getting weird. Dad and Robert are off camping = heaven. That's enough for me - sleep beckons.