looks like I'm on the right path...

Outgoing (E) 65.71% Withdrawn (I) 34.29% Imaginative (N) 60% Realistic (S) 40% Emotional (F) 62.07% Intellectual (T) 37.93% Improvised (P) 65.71% Organized (J) 34.29% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

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personality tests by similarminds.com

Happy

Yeah, so what? I'm happy. I've been happy for awhile.

Things are good. Friendships are great. I am going to miss my friends so much this summer, everyone. Especially the Midnight Movie gang and Colin. Especially the "real" people.

I am working as a nanny this summer for a family of two kids although I'll mainly only take care of the younger one who is 14 months old. I am excited. It could potentially be boring, but I think I'll be okay. It is better than working in a bank, better than the parking booth, maybe better than the Florist but I doubt it because few things beat working with fresh and exotic flowers all day.

I have so much I want to talk about and so much I need to say but I don't know how to do it. There's so much I want to know but Patience wants me to wait.

I sold my housing contract for spring/summer. Next year my house has a porch and I am so excited to perch on the porch and have porch pizza parties. yay.

okay i am working on a final and i should really go finish it now.

<3>

i'm discontent

it's been a long time since i haven't used a song title as my blog entry title.

i'm randomly upset because of discontention. okay? i'm going home in less than two weeks. no friends. no fun. i am, however, looking forward to meeting new people. but i don't want to have to prove myself to anyone. i just want to be accepted without a fight, without an initiation.

today i saw amanda. things are going haywire with her family. i think i was supposed to see her because she told me she felt the same way. way to point out the obvious, lisa.

i'm going to be a writer and i don't think i'm good.

my band's first show was saturday night. it went really well. www.myspace.com/nananoir
check us out.

does anyone read this anymore?

if anyone still reads this, email me at lisaruef@gmail.com. thanks. i'm not sure anyone does, and if no one does, that's great. i need to vent.

tonight was so weird. sara and i hung out with patrick and his friend justin, who apparently thought it was a double date, patrick and me, sara and justin. i was in a great mood earlier because band practice had been good, i got a B on my comms test, excellent considering i studied half an hour and never did any reading for the class, and gosh it was just a good day. i've been in a really great mood all week despite an F on my physical science test yesterday and a $100 parking ticket last night. things have been great.

but i get so awkward around patrick. am i supposed to like him? people seem to think i am. and i'm not really even awkward; i'm just not comfortable yet or something. he listens to rob zombie. ROB FREAKING ZOMBIE. i am trying to be open-minded about it, but i just cannot like someone who likes Rob Zombie. i am morally against it. i feel like i am supposed to like patrick. i just can't do it. few sparks. he likes things on the bass that i loathe--weird little effects made with a pedal. i'm a purest. i need the bass and the bass only. we are too different to be compatible. i think part of it is being in a group with him. i notice i am fine when i'm alone with patrick but not in a group.

it is raining right now. praise Allah; i love the rain.

i got the new bonnie prince billy/matt sweeny album yesterday. it's rad. and thank you brady.

i've lost my passion. do you remember when i loved living so much that i loved everyone and everything and every moment of every day? i felt like that a little bit this week. i mean that was the time of my life, when i was uninhibited and didn't care about the scene and my mind was beautiful. friendships were pure and love was my drug. i don't feel that anymore really, but i want to. passion for people and exuberance for enlightenment. my spirit is dead and i want it back please.

maybe i'm not hanging with the right friends. maybe someone has taken all my love so there's nothing left for anyone else (this might be true). or maybe that person who took all my love killed it. maybe it's locked in his heart. i wish that were true, despite his selfishness. at any rate, i gave it to him and he didn't want it so now i'm second best and he can't even be my friend without freaking out. i wish we were better communicators and i hate being so perceptive.

i saw the ring two with patrick et al. don't see it. it was awful. luckily i didn't pay for it because patrick is a gentleman (was it a date?--i hope not).

provo is not real. i meet so few real people in provo. at least i've found some of them; some people long to find them but haven't found any.

this week's goal: love again. also, stay for all of church tomorrow.

star radio

A - AGE: 19-and-a-half
B - BAND LISTENING TO MOST RECENTLY: m83, the electronic tomato, my band (no name)
C - CELEBRITY CRUSH: David Bowie and John Cusack
D - DAD'S NAME: Charles
E - EASIEST PERSON(S) TO TALK TO: Celeste or Sara
F - FAVE BAND/SINGER: right now, me <3
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS : Gummy Bears all the way
H - HOMETOWN: Walnut Creek, CA.
I - INSTRUMENT: bass, piano, vocals, guitar, sax.
K - KIDS: maybe in a few years, after i'm married
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Cali to Utah
M - MUM'S NAME: Jane
N - NUMBER OF FINGERS: ten
O - ONE WISH: equal distribution of the world's resources.
P - PHOBIA(S): the dark
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE: "I realized by using the high notes of the chords as a melodic line, and by the right harmonic progression, I could play what I heard inside me. That's when I was born." --Charlie Parker
R - REASON TO SMILE: my doggie Kimba
S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: my song, it's called "Slugger"
T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: varies daily, generally around 10 a.m. weekdays
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME : I love classic Volvos.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE : peas
W - WORST HABIT(S): finishing people's sentences when they lose their train of thought. it's a bad habit, but i generally finish them correctly because i'm FUNNY like that.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: dentist and my wrist when i thought i broke it in 5th grade.
Y - YUMMY FOOD: Bajio, Thai Chili Garden, Thai Pepper, Demae, most things that involve chopsticks
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo

Kim Gordon and The Arthur Doyle Hand Cream

i am beside myself right now. i'm going off some medicine and it's driving me crazy with side effects. i'm dizzy, i'm happy, i'm sad, i'm everywhere and nowhere all at once.

i guess you could say colin and i had a "fight" on friday. it wasn't really a fight though. anyway, he got mad at me for something HE is ashamed for. it's complex and awful and emotionally daunting. now i remember why i've avoided relationships for the past year. being single is just easier.

that being said i have no idea what to do. do i call him? do i wait for him to call me? to i act like it didn't happen? do i talk to him about my FEELINGS? do i do nothing? am i overreacting?

okay. i smell like bleach. i love that smell. the band's new name might be "the moon behind the mountain." court and i thought of it the other night and i really like it and so does she. it was one of those breakthrough moments when you cry with delight because you've discovered something so beautiful. we almost cried tears.

if i could weep right now i would, but i am otherwise too different.

i have school at 9 a.m. tomorrow. damn.

things could be worse.

moonchild

today was a good day for the most part. i had class at 9 and 10, so i went, and then i came home and took a nap. i made a sonic youth mix for barbie. then i ran errands for awhile. i went to savers and got two blouses and a jacket. one of the blouses is black with these weird leather patches on the shoulders and it has shoulder pads. the jacket is red wool with bright gold buttons on the cuffs. tres chic.

tonight i celebrated my thursday with britt and court. we went to stan's and got shakes. i miss my old friends, like perry, celeste, hannah, and bianca. i miss them. i just realized that.

my dad sent me a picture of me holding kimba when she was a few weeks old today. i look so awful in the picture, like a whale. i'm huge. i hope i don't look like that still. i'm really paranoid about it now.

i wish i were beautiful.

the band--we're not long creve coeur. we're nameless right now. one of the songs i wrote for us, it's so good now. i can't stand it. it is better than i imagined it. so in 4 practices we've learned and perfected 4 songs. that's talent right thurr.

i need to study cos i have a midterm tomorrow for newswriting, but i might just go to bed.

i hate when i have great days but the nights bum me out.

p.s. patrick and i hung out the other night and it was fun. we played bass and talked. ok goodnite.

Dirty Boots

today i spent my day doing something really weird. colin and i went up to the salt lake city cemetery to find this gravestone which reads: "Victim of the Beast 666." unfortunately, we didn't find it today, but i know it's there. sorta. we were looking for it for three hours. i have never spent that much time straight in a graveyard before. this one's spooky too; it's endless. thousands and thousands of people. i found some of my relatives there. it was a fun day.

patrick gave me his number the other day...rad? yes. he is a cool dood. i am excited to hang out with him more.

i talked to perry twice this weekend, on the phone. friday was his birthday. i miss that kid so much. he's really come into his own as a writer, as a person. he's great.

the band! my band. i wrote two songs this weekend. they're hella rad. (did i already talk about this?) our first name was isadora, but today colin thought of creve coeur, which means "broken heart" in francais. i DIG it man.

hunter s. thompson killed himself last night. rest in peace.

i would totally write more but i'm on a short, meaning i don't know what else to say really. but BYU's art scene sucks.

So uh...last night was really fun because, uh...I made out with a boy I've liked for a long time and he's liked me for a long time and uh, yeah. That's about it. But we are staying just friends, which I am happy about.

Yeah so, I play bass in a band now. We're called Isadora; it'll prob change though.

And I knit allllllllll the time. I'm working on a scarf and it's almost done.

So life is good out here in Provo. I'm having fun for the most part. I am glad I changed my major.

I might enter a dance competition at BYU. I could totally win it with my styling moves.

Yeah I don't really have anything to say. You've forgotten I'm boring.

I got a 64% on my Comms 101 test I took this morning. Yesssss.

pine box

alright so i just re-read my last entry and i made it sound like i was in love with sloan still. for the record, i am most definitely not. i just miss being in love. that's what i meant.

okay. so things are going insanely well here. i switched my major to communications (either print or broadcast journalism) and i am psyched. my comms classes are so easy. it is the right choice, i am convinced. i will still probably minor in music...either that or visual art or film or advertising design...not sure yet.

next. i am playing bass like a mo fo now. it is rad. chris entrusted his bass to me while he's in hong kong for two years. ernie ball musicman babeh. talk about a beautiful instrument.

i am getting a mullet on tuesday. a hip mullet. it is gonna be hott.

this week is the sundance film festival up in park city. i hung out up there last night but only saw rider strong (shawn on boy meets world). i talked to him though and he was tyte.

went to vegas last weekend with lamia and jessica. so much fun. just a great trip.

so i've realized lately that i judge people too much. i really do. i used to smile so much and be so happy. i don't remember why i stopped doing that; just broke the habit or something. anyway, i'm starting again and i really feel super.

i've written some songs lately. i like 'em.

anyway...i'm out. much love and peace yizzo.

burgundy baroness.

staralfur

i tried to stop taking my medicine. now i'm really depressed so i'm going to start taking it again. and i'm going to the health center and demanding an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my prescription renewed. or an appointment with a doctor or something. i just need more.

i hate this year. i hate thinking of sloan and being so in love with him. i hate knowing that i only fall in love once a year and that i've already fallen in love with someone. i hate that everytime i fall in love it's over just as fast as it started.

i just watched "when harry met sally" and that's why i'm sad. and i'm sad because i am trying not to love someone right now. and then i think about loving and being loved back and i want it so badly. i miss it.

i miss perry. i wish i could talk to him right now but i can't and that's hard to swallow.

anyway i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. that's how it always is.

i'm listening to the stranglers

LAST PERSON WHO.
Slept in your bed: me but i've slept in someone else's bed
Saw you cry: umm maybe colin
You shared a drink with: n/a
You went to the movies with: sara and aarean
You went to the mall with: dave dawson <3
Yelled at you: tom or colin
Sent you an email: apple
HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I Love You" and meant it?: yes.
Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah Kimba's a real toughie, and my fish Flava Flav?? Don't even get me started.
Commited Suicide: been pretty close
Cut yourself: nope...
BEEN TO.
California: of course silly
Hawaii: 3 times
Mexico: nope
China: no
Canada: no
HAVE YOU EVER:.
Danced naked: yeah like every single day of my life
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the nextday: iono
Wish you were the opposite sex: only for cool clothes
Had an imaginary friend: yeah sort of.
Do you have a crush on someone: when do i not???
What book are you reading now: "The History of the World from Constantine to Constantinople" by Eusebius
WHATS YOUR....
Worst feeling in the world: being lonely
Future son's name: Ron Jeremy
Future daughter's name: Moonbeam
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no.
What's under your bed: shoes and paper and some cement blocks and a james dean poster
Favorite sport to watch: hockey
Siblings: yes.
Location: provo utah
College plans: i'm already there
Piercings/tattoos: the normal ones on the earlobes and one on my cartillage
EXTRA STUFF.
Do you drink: water and diet coke
Who are your best friends: britt, court, celeste, marissa, chris, eric, tom, holy crap i can't count all of them!!!
What are you most scared of: falling in love
What clothes do you sleep in: shorts and t-shirt..or none
Where do you want to get married: LDS temple
Who do you really hate: no one
Been in Love: yes, a couple times
Do you drive: like Dale Earnhardt
Do you have a job: no no no
Do you like being around people: mostly
Are you for world peace: uh huh
Are you a health freak: i'm healthy but not a freak
STUFF. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: no
Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yeah.
Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: umm sorta.
Want someone you don't have right now: yeah but we're pretty close
Are you lonely right now: rarely
Song that's stuck in your head a lot: "I'll Melt With You" by Modern English
Do you want to get married: yesh
Do you want kids: four-two adopted, two of my own
FAVORITE. Room in house: bathroom--hell if i know
Type(s) of music: jazz
Band/Group(s): right now sonic youth
Color: brown
Perfume or cologne: chanel coco mademoiselle
Month: april
Stone: dirt clod
Flower: i forget what it's called but it looks like a pinecone---helicona i think
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU....
Cried: no.
Bought something: yeah a new printer which ima take back anyway
Gotten sick: only to my stomach
Sang: at the top of my lungs
Said "I love you": yes
Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes
Met someone: yes tyler he's so cute and jackie from texas
Missed someone: desperately
Hugged someone: yes
Kissed someone: only in my dreams

Gus the Mynah Bird

So uh...I'm listening to stereolab. rockin!

i have an infection in my mouth. it really hurts, ya see. i've been on a liquid diet for two days now maybe. it sucks. it won't get better even though i'm on antibiotics.

i'm going home two weeks from today for thanksgiving. yessss. i am so excited to see kimba. am i kidding? NO. i miss that pup like the dickens. whoa.

so school is really good. life is really good. everything is just really really good.

regan leaves next week on his mission. so does carl, but carl doesn't affect me as much since he lives in portland. but regan. well regan lives 15 minutes away in american fork and we are still a part of each other's lives. i am going to miss him insanely.

i feel bad since i never have anything to write. nothing worthwhile, anyway. remember last year when i would discourse forever about something? like love maybe, or friendship...

get this...eric, remember my best friend last year, eric? and remember that i was like freakin IN LOVE with him for awhile? well, last sunday we were hanging out, and he told me he was in love with me too! can you believe it? that whole time we were in love with each other but we were both too scared to do anything about it. that explains why he was so jealous when s-dawg came along. i always wondered why that was... i mean, wow. what a realization.

what else? well not much, i guess. i've decided to major in jazz. that's a new development. of course, i seem to change my major just about every two weeks, so we'll see how long this one lasts.

mainly, i'm just happy to be happy again, do you know? like i'm just grateful. that makes me happy i guess.

okay much love
<333
lisa.

Full Disclosure

So I am listening to fugazi. I haven't listened to them in hella days yo. like years. i guess i still dig 'em.

it's been raining practically nonstop for over a week now and i am totally feelin it. okay so at first i liked it because i hadn't seen rain since last fall, but then i didn't like it because i started feeling the grey skies drag. but then, then it went away for a day and i misssssssssssed it and now that it's back i'm awfully happy.

guess what i'm going to be for halloween! just guess! yay you got it! a geisha! i am going to the costume shop tomorrow to get makeup and then to the fabric store to get a red sash. i already have the kimono. yeah i'm way psyched!

this is just to say: i don't give a damn about the world series. it's great the sox are in it because i loooooooooove johnny damon--what a sexy beast!--, but that's the only reason why i like them. just to lay it out there...

so like....nothing is going down. i'm bored in provo. i'm thinking i will go to vegas next weekend to spice things up cos i'm seriously riding the wave of monotony. i'm such a talker though and probably won't go.

love of my life = matt hoiland, carl's bro. i mean what a musical genius! he can write any kind of song at the drop of a hat and has a great voice and rockin retro style and is really just a kool kat, just like carl.

i sent in my absentee ballot today. i felt so proud. teehee.

okay so i wish i had more to talk about but there's just really not much worth the time.

<3>

p.s. and my latest art piece was subconsciously reflective of how i feel about someone. it's a man and a woman in a cocoon. and see the thing is, now i'm thinking of soft grounding a leaf into a different plate and printing that on top of the cocoon plate so the leaf is almost acting like a veil, like it's hiding my feelings for this person, or maybe even preventing the relationship from developing, or something like that...you know what i mean? <3<3<3>

Hanging On A Star

The stinkiest girl I have ever smelled is sitting next to me right now. She hasn't washed her hair in at least two weeks, I'd say. I can't handle it. The smell is excruciating. I would move if there were other computers in this lab but unfortunately they're all taken. Tough it out, Lisa, you can do it.

So I really like this boy and he likes me. Yep. Maybe I'll tell more about it later.

But here's something funny. Me and this boy were just chillin last Friday, driving around and stuff, like 2:30 in the morning at this point, and all of the sudden we see a buffalo run out of the mountains right next to us! A buffalo man! It was so crazy. I freaked and we called the cops and they said, "Thanks. We've been looking for him all day..." How does a buffalo escape like that? weeeerd.

And now that girl's stench is so bad I can't handle it anymore so i'm bizzouncing.

<3

midnight train to georgia

actually utah, and i'm taking a train. that size was too big so i switched. i'm in cali right now. becky, the older sis, got married yesterday. it was really great. the reception was in our woodland backyard. tony's jazz combo played and they rocked. i sang summertime and lullaby of birdland with them. john was there and he told me he was awakened to the treasure in my throat. that is one of the biggest compliments i've ever received in my life. thanks jack passion.

so utah has been good. my classes are really happenin. international relations--i read the NYTimes everyday. then in history of creativity, well this class is just the bomb dot com because we learn about different cultures and inventions and how societies develop. then there's french. my teacher is hott--he looks like david bowie. of course there's new testament which is pretty good. i'm forgetting one. two! jazz lessons which are amazing. learning a new singing style is interesting and passion-infusing. heh heh. last but not least is my favorite class--printmaking. it's my new meaning for living.

also--regan got his mission call to puerto rico, and carl got his call to milan, italy. i am very proud of you boys!

now, my philosophical thought for the day. celeste and i were talking the other day about war, and especially iran. i finally realized why we have to have this war in iraq (which relates to iran because they are almost in war too), and that's because the people needed help and unfortunately, there are only two ways to give it to them. the first is letting them fade as a society with a tyrannical ruler, a la saddam hussein. so the people die under a horrible ruler. or we, the US, can come in and offer our support throught military action. sadly, people die with this course of action as well, and we don't see many short term results.

you see people, peace is a process. and as with many things, peace covers a wide spectrum, peace at one end and war at the opposite end. therefore, in order to achieve peace, one must have war.

maybe it's not this simple, but my conversation with celeste really opened my eyes and heart and helped me understand why we have 1,000 soldiers dead in iraq right now...

much love,
lisa

are you going to san francisco?

i'm in california right now. i'm supposed to be at byu. i had my first week of school this week and it was soooooooooo great. i am so happy to be back in provo. but now taht i'm in wc i miss provo...ironic

so i'm home because basically my parents missed me a bunch and they wanted me home for my sister's bridal showers. so i went to them and they were boring but i get to be with my dog and my fam and i went to sf tonight and ate at house of nanking best resto ever and went to chinatown and north beach and union square adn everywhere and it was just so sososos great and i went to treasure island too. i'm so tired now.

byu is great. i've met cool ppl and made cool friends and i love all my old friends. where i live is okay but ppl are snobby. school is so cool. my classes are tyte. i'm taking a printmaking class, we're doing intaglio, and a history of creativity class, international reltations, voice lessons, a bible class, french, and physical science. i am having so much fun already. i think this year is gonna be really good.

my roommates are tyte too.

i miss all my guy friends that are on missions.

provo time- 12:23 am and i am way tired. so nite nite my lovey doveys.

<3>

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one of us

my birthday's in one week. i'll be 19. all i want is an ipod, but i can't decide between the 20 and the 40 gig. please, if you have any input, feel free to share it.

one last sunday here. do i go to singles ward and kiss azn boi, or do i go to my parent's ward and see everyone? or do i squeeze them both in? or do i completely forgo my parent's ward? that is the way i'm leaning at this point...i don't really care to see anyone there...but i'm thinking i will go to two sacrament meetings, which for you non-LDS people is the most important meeting out of our three hours in church every sunday.

i am so excited to go back to provo. it's a joke. this year is going to be fun i think, and i'm excited to start it up.

saw celeste last night for the first time...she just got back from europe and i surprised her at plearn and brought her flowers. her aunts are tyte.

weirdest of all--i saw my old friend alex last night for the first time since the week i got home. it was trippy. my heart stopped beating when i saw him, like i'd been hit in the side of the head with a board but remained conscious. it's crazy how people mean so much to you at one point and vice versa but a month later you don't even give a damn. i mean really...that was probably the last time i'll ever see him. walnut creek is no home to me and i don't plan on coming back unless i really need to make money next summer--otherwise i'm off to europe to be poor and love living.

i've felt really down lately. down on myself for how i look, and what i say, and how i act, just everything. my hair is kinda purple. i really like it. but other than that it's awful. everything's awful.

my mom is putting unnecessary pressure on me to pick a birthday cake/pie/dessert, since i never get cake, but she just won't leave me alone about it. and really, it's no big deal. i like fruit, i like pie, i don't eat chocolate cake cos i think it's kinda gross. simple guidelines. pick yourself!

my bridesmaid dress came and it's really pretty. i bought new shoes but i don't like them. i bought a skirt and right after i bought it it went on sale. so i'm taking it back tomorrow.

i hate being so damn indecisive. it's my biggest flaw.

xoxo lisa

provo, here we come.

Life In A Glass House

I leave for school really soon. Like two weeks from this Thursday or something like that. We haven't decided. But it's really crazy. This was a really fast four months for the most part, which is good.

Last night I went to Brandon's. Normally I don't like seeing all those kids like Tanya Maureen Stiv Marlon etc. but last night it was actually really fun. Sean Megley was there and he still didn't remember my name. Chris Mabry was there and he wondered if I remembered him from high school (I did) and he told me I looked really good. I'm not sure if I can count that as a compliment when it comes from him. Teddybear (stiv) was really drunk and kept trying to freak with me, so I just told him he's hot cos he is. Then Danielle kept looking at me funny for like an hour or two (for those of you who don't know, Danielle is Sloan's "first" as she put it), and then she went and called someone and came back and said, "you went out with sloan huh?" and i said "yup" and then she told me how big of an asshole he was to her and to me and that i shouldn't worry about him because he's an asshole to all his girlfriend's eventually and an even bigger one after. i agreed halfheartedly. everyone has their problems and his unfortunately come out in relationships. and frankly i can tell he hurt her way worse than he hurt me since she actually talked to me about it; i am grateful for the time i had with him because i really learned what an ideal relationship is til all the bad stuff started going down...and also i am pretty much over it. it still hurts because i think it will hurt until i fall in love like that again, but in the meantime i'm having fun and meeting boys and making friends and filling up the hole with great things like catching frogs and taking walks and singing songs...not that that stuff fills the hole of a broken heart but it helps ease the mind a little bit (this was the longest run-on sentence ever)...

needless to say, i will be glad to get back to provo and leave all this junk behind me. it was really weird that she talked to me and it just made me start thinking about that stuff again and i've really been a good girl and not thought about it deeply for a long time. it's just a pity that he destroys so many girls like this. i hope he actually sits down sometime and thinks about the sadness and pain he's brought to people's lives. i mean, i'm lucky i'm a strong kid and can pull myself out, but others aren't so lucky.

but i'm done with this entry now i think. i've written a whole lot about nothing and i just don't like it.

<3<3<3>

lisa.