Sunday, March 07, 2004
Custom Car Crash
Word. I saw Ima Robot, Kill Hannah, and The Sounds tonight. Kill Hannah sucks. They are the worst band I've ever seen live. But Ima Robot KICKED!!! And The Sounds...whoa. Like they are totally amazing live. I was never a huge fan of their album, but LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. BABY BABY!!! SO INTENSE!!! The singer whatever her name is, she is amazing! Total rock star to the max. Word. I'm hyper. I'm going out. Late.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Haphazard Joy
I almost forgot I had this thing--it's been awhile. These past few weeks have been weird. Okay so not really. I've been weird. I don't even know what to talk about...
Things with Tyler are fine. Neither of us have made a definite move yet, which is frustrating, but judging by past experience waiting for the right time and just letting things flow is a good way to go.
Eddie...I don't know why he affects me so much. We (me, Forest, Andrea) saw him after Book of Mormon Wednesday night and he completely ignored me. It was a trip. And I was already in a weird mood and I hadn't cried in like two weeks. Andrea split to the library with Eddie, Forest and I walked home and we talked and I cried. He knew it wasn't Eddie that was bothering me. Eddie frustrates me, but I don't cry over Eddie. "Lisa, that's not it." "Well then I don't know what is, Forest. I don't know what's wrong." "Lisa, maybe it's that you're getting over someone you loved more than anything and now it's like it never even happened and you have no one to love now. Maybe that's it." And that's a big part of it. It's true. Sometimes friends just don't cut it, as much as I love them.
And then there's Carlos...but he's another story altogether.
I saw Sage Francis Thursday and talked to him for awhile as he was standing right next to me for one of his openers (Grand Buffet--hiohop's Tenacious D). "Hey, you're playing Coachella, right?" I asked him. "Yeah..are you?" Haha Sage Francis asked me if I was playing Coachella. Talk about the highlight of my night. So we talked about all the bad venues in Salt Lake, how he would never play there again because no venue has good sound, and we talked about his show at Slim's in SF and how it rocked because their soundsystem is just that good.
To be honest, I don't really feel like writing in this now. I have a lot to say but I just don't feel like saying it. It's 3:30 pm, I've been up for two hours, I'm still tired, I need to shower, my room's a mess, and I could care less about it all. Ima lay in bed for awhile. Peace.
xoxo lisa.
Things with Tyler are fine. Neither of us have made a definite move yet, which is frustrating, but judging by past experience waiting for the right time and just letting things flow is a good way to go.
Eddie...I don't know why he affects me so much. We (me, Forest, Andrea) saw him after Book of Mormon Wednesday night and he completely ignored me. It was a trip. And I was already in a weird mood and I hadn't cried in like two weeks. Andrea split to the library with Eddie, Forest and I walked home and we talked and I cried. He knew it wasn't Eddie that was bothering me. Eddie frustrates me, but I don't cry over Eddie. "Lisa, that's not it." "Well then I don't know what is, Forest. I don't know what's wrong." "Lisa, maybe it's that you're getting over someone you loved more than anything and now it's like it never even happened and you have no one to love now. Maybe that's it." And that's a big part of it. It's true. Sometimes friends just don't cut it, as much as I love them.
And then there's Carlos...but he's another story altogether.
I saw Sage Francis Thursday and talked to him for awhile as he was standing right next to me for one of his openers (Grand Buffet--hiohop's Tenacious D). "Hey, you're playing Coachella, right?" I asked him. "Yeah..are you?" Haha Sage Francis asked me if I was playing Coachella. Talk about the highlight of my night. So we talked about all the bad venues in Salt Lake, how he would never play there again because no venue has good sound, and we talked about his show at Slim's in SF and how it rocked because their soundsystem is just that good.
To be honest, I don't really feel like writing in this now. I have a lot to say but I just don't feel like saying it. It's 3:30 pm, I've been up for two hours, I'm still tired, I need to shower, my room's a mess, and I could care less about it all. Ima lay in bed for awhile. Peace.
xoxo lisa.
Monday, February 23, 2004
So Long
You know, life really does get hard sometimes, but it's all for the good. We may have really intense trials, but we once we've overcome them we're always better people. Always. I've learned that the hard way, but after going through what I've been through these past few months I am such a better person. I really know what I want in life. I won't let myself make silly mistakes again. I am more ambitious in obtaining the things I want most. I know more what's important and what's not. I know who my true friends are. That's a beautiful thing.
This past week has been crazy. Like no joke, crazy. I was at Eddie's last night til 2 am. Had a lot of fun at his little acoustic night; no lefty guitars though and mine was at home so I didn't play til after everyone had left and I was chilling with Jordan, singing him to sleep with my dyslexic guitar-playing (right-handed Taylor flipped). But it was fun.
Saturday night went to a hockey game with Kristy Kadish!!, lost 2-6, got pulled over by a cop for speeding (then the cop proceeded to change lanes in an intersection AND pull over the person right next to us), went to her parents' in Orem for a good yellin and watched "The New Guy"...hilarious movie btw.
Friday night--dancing in SLC with Andrea, Brittany, Whitney, and Katie. Met a very wonderful guy named Nate who's the new marketing director for the church. He's into pretty good music too. That never hurts.
And Tyler! I haven't talked about Tyler at all. Tyler and I sit next to each other in Physics everyday, with BK (Brandon King!) on my other side and Kim to the front (Kim's in a wheelchair so she sits in front of us in the front row, making her own little row [that was confusing, sorry]). Tyler and I have been great friends all year, but suddenly the relationship is taking a different spin. It's nice. He's from Portland, Business major (switched from Photography), served his mission for our church in France (he speaks in French to me when he doesn't want anyone else to understand!), loves Frank Sinatra, loves hockey, hmmmm. It's an interesting development.
And Eddie. We are so awkward around one another I can't stand it. And neither can he from what I hear. But like he said: "Lisa, sometimes I'm just like a 6th grader and I can't help it." Sorry Mr. Provo. You are nothing but a hott, sexy, 25-year-old wuss with an amazing voice, and I am soooo done with you. Sort of. Um, who am I kidding...I can't forget about Eddie.
My French grade is up to a B! Baptiste likes me more now, I think. I've been making an effort and we talk about things like music and French culture and stuff. So I'm movin on up.
Coachella! I'm going to Coachella in May with Perry. Wow, we are going to have a blast. I am excited.
Less than two months and I'm back in Cali. This semester is going way too fast, even though I like it going fast. I'm excited to go home, have a nice comfy bed, humidity, the beach, the sun, and a job. I need money. And Perry and I are planning on taking classes together at DVC this summer. That will be fun too.
Anyway, j'ai beaucoup d'etudiant pour le francais ce soir (I have a lot of studying for French tonight). I think my French might've been wrong there, but don't bother correcting me because I really don't care.
xoxo lisa.
P.S. The sun was out ALL day today and it was BEAUTIFUL.
This past week has been crazy. Like no joke, crazy. I was at Eddie's last night til 2 am. Had a lot of fun at his little acoustic night; no lefty guitars though and mine was at home so I didn't play til after everyone had left and I was chilling with Jordan, singing him to sleep with my dyslexic guitar-playing (right-handed Taylor flipped). But it was fun.
Saturday night went to a hockey game with Kristy Kadish!!, lost 2-6, got pulled over by a cop for speeding (then the cop proceeded to change lanes in an intersection AND pull over the person right next to us), went to her parents' in Orem for a good yellin and watched "The New Guy"...hilarious movie btw.
Friday night--dancing in SLC with Andrea, Brittany, Whitney, and Katie. Met a very wonderful guy named Nate who's the new marketing director for the church. He's into pretty good music too. That never hurts.
And Tyler! I haven't talked about Tyler at all. Tyler and I sit next to each other in Physics everyday, with BK (Brandon King!) on my other side and Kim to the front (Kim's in a wheelchair so she sits in front of us in the front row, making her own little row [that was confusing, sorry]). Tyler and I have been great friends all year, but suddenly the relationship is taking a different spin. It's nice. He's from Portland, Business major (switched from Photography), served his mission for our church in France (he speaks in French to me when he doesn't want anyone else to understand!), loves Frank Sinatra, loves hockey, hmmmm. It's an interesting development.
And Eddie. We are so awkward around one another I can't stand it. And neither can he from what I hear. But like he said: "Lisa, sometimes I'm just like a 6th grader and I can't help it." Sorry Mr. Provo. You are nothing but a hott, sexy, 25-year-old wuss with an amazing voice, and I am soooo done with you. Sort of. Um, who am I kidding...I can't forget about Eddie.
My French grade is up to a B! Baptiste likes me more now, I think. I've been making an effort and we talk about things like music and French culture and stuff. So I'm movin on up.
Coachella! I'm going to Coachella in May with Perry. Wow, we are going to have a blast. I am excited.
Less than two months and I'm back in Cali. This semester is going way too fast, even though I like it going fast. I'm excited to go home, have a nice comfy bed, humidity, the beach, the sun, and a job. I need money. And Perry and I are planning on taking classes together at DVC this summer. That will be fun too.
Anyway, j'ai beaucoup d'etudiant pour le francais ce soir (I have a lot of studying for French tonight). I think my French might've been wrong there, but don't bother correcting me because I really don't care.
xoxo lisa.
P.S. The sun was out ALL day today and it was BEAUTIFUL.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Looks Just Like The Sun
lisaloo92: i love you alex
spidorman44: i love you, lisa
lisaloo92: alex will you hold me sometime?
spidorman44: hmm ? yea hehe i will
lisaloo92: thanks alex.
spidorman44: and spin
lisaloo92: hahhaa and spin
lisaloo92: but not while you're holding me. i think we should probably be laying down for that or something.
lisaloo92: ...if that's not too scandalous for you...
spidorman44: haha yea sure why not lisa.. and ill cry with you
spidorman44: just for you
lisaloo92: hehehe thanks alex, but i don't think i'm going to be crying very much anymore
spidorman44: aww
spidorman44: well ill cry for all the others
lisaloo92: i'll still cry with you
lisaloo92: for the pain we've felt in the past
lisaloo92: for the way things could have been
spidorman44: yea
spidorman44: for all the others who have it worse
lisaloo92: exactly. the ones who have it worse.
lisaloo92: it can always be worse.
spidorman44: i love you, lisa
lisaloo92: alex will you hold me sometime?
spidorman44: hmm ? yea hehe i will
lisaloo92: thanks alex.
spidorman44: and spin
lisaloo92: hahhaa and spin
lisaloo92: but not while you're holding me. i think we should probably be laying down for that or something.
lisaloo92: ...if that's not too scandalous for you...
spidorman44: haha yea sure why not lisa.. and ill cry with you
spidorman44: just for you
lisaloo92: hehehe thanks alex, but i don't think i'm going to be crying very much anymore
spidorman44: aww
spidorman44: well ill cry for all the others
lisaloo92: i'll still cry with you
lisaloo92: for the pain we've felt in the past
lisaloo92: for the way things could have been
spidorman44: yea
spidorman44: for all the others who have it worse
lisaloo92: exactly. the ones who have it worse.
lisaloo92: it can always be worse.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Exit Does Not Exist
I don't know where to start. Let's start with my day.
I got up and decided to take a bath. I turned on the water nice and hot, just the way I like it. I decided I wouldn't turn the fan on because I HATE the noise it makes; it's so disruptive to any kind of relaxation. I took my bath, which went splendidly, then let out the water like normal. I stood up. Whoa, was I dizzy. I braced myself against the cold tile for support, but things were blacking out. I couldn't see straight. My head felt like twenty bricks. My legs gave in under me and I fell. I looked up and saw the ceiling. I tried to get up again. The same thing happened. I wrestled between the shower doors and the wall, trying to keep myself from falling again. It didn't help. Kerplop! Right back into the tub. Third try. I breathed in deeply. By this time I was scared out of my mind, I couldn't breathe, I felt like vomiting, I was weak. I tried getting up again but to no avail. I blacked out. I woke up shortly after and crawled out of the tub onto the bathroom floor. "Mom," I called feebly. I hadn't the strength to speak even at a normal level. And then I remembered: I'd brought my cell phone with me into the bathroom. I called my dad. "Just elevate your feet, Lisa." After doing this for a little while I could see clearly again and felt well enough to stand up. I went into my room and just lay on the floor, freaked out of my mind, crying, not breathing, tripping. It was insane.
Anyway, Katie and I went shopping in Broadway Plaza. Kewl (I hate it when people do that, btw). Stopped by Alex's grandma's house to hug him and kiss Weebee. I love you Weebee. I love you Alex. Coco Mademoiselle and Chance. Remember those two Alex. Coco and Chance.
So tonight.
Celeste and I went up to Dinosaur Hill for a bit and chilled and chatted. Then to Rasputin's in PH where I bought Al Green's Greatest Hits (on the recommendation of many close friends) as well as Modest Mouse's "This is a Long Drive for Someone With Nothing To Think About." It's a great album. I'm listening to it right now.
Then it was off to Kevin's to pick him up. Then Q-Zar. I'd never been to Q-Zar before and it was SO much fun. I totally understand why guys go all the time. It's addicting. It's like playing a Star Wars video game but in real life. REAL LIFE. Man, that's deep.
Then to visit L Mo on the curb at her mom's. Then to Bea's where Ross was lying on the bed. He didn't recognize me at first (go figure). Finished Waiting For Guffman (sort of). I turned it off when the conversation got too good.
Now here's the thing that made the night great, okay? The conversation. The love. The feeling of belonging. The happiness. The connections. The fun. The sincerity. The intensity. Et cetera.
See there are some times in life when you just know things are going to work out because you have great friends. Sure, they may be 850 miles away most of the year, but they're still there. They're still your friends.
That's the most difficult thing about being away from home, you know? These people you love are 850 + miles away. I mean, that's a lot.
I don't know what else to say except that I love you all. Especially that one person who I toss around more than a salad. And I'm sorry for that. But I probably love you most and that's gotta count for something.
Anyway, let me be frank as long as I can still be garth. I LOVE YOU. AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.
xoxo love lisa.
I got up and decided to take a bath. I turned on the water nice and hot, just the way I like it. I decided I wouldn't turn the fan on because I HATE the noise it makes; it's so disruptive to any kind of relaxation. I took my bath, which went splendidly, then let out the water like normal. I stood up. Whoa, was I dizzy. I braced myself against the cold tile for support, but things were blacking out. I couldn't see straight. My head felt like twenty bricks. My legs gave in under me and I fell. I looked up and saw the ceiling. I tried to get up again. The same thing happened. I wrestled between the shower doors and the wall, trying to keep myself from falling again. It didn't help. Kerplop! Right back into the tub. Third try. I breathed in deeply. By this time I was scared out of my mind, I couldn't breathe, I felt like vomiting, I was weak. I tried getting up again but to no avail. I blacked out. I woke up shortly after and crawled out of the tub onto the bathroom floor. "Mom," I called feebly. I hadn't the strength to speak even at a normal level. And then I remembered: I'd brought my cell phone with me into the bathroom. I called my dad. "Just elevate your feet, Lisa." After doing this for a little while I could see clearly again and felt well enough to stand up. I went into my room and just lay on the floor, freaked out of my mind, crying, not breathing, tripping. It was insane.
Anyway, Katie and I went shopping in Broadway Plaza. Kewl (I hate it when people do that, btw). Stopped by Alex's grandma's house to hug him and kiss Weebee. I love you Weebee. I love you Alex. Coco Mademoiselle and Chance. Remember those two Alex. Coco and Chance.
So tonight.
Celeste and I went up to Dinosaur Hill for a bit and chilled and chatted. Then to Rasputin's in PH where I bought Al Green's Greatest Hits (on the recommendation of many close friends) as well as Modest Mouse's "This is a Long Drive for Someone With Nothing To Think About." It's a great album. I'm listening to it right now.
Then it was off to Kevin's to pick him up. Then Q-Zar. I'd never been to Q-Zar before and it was SO much fun. I totally understand why guys go all the time. It's addicting. It's like playing a Star Wars video game but in real life. REAL LIFE. Man, that's deep.
Then to visit L Mo on the curb at her mom's. Then to Bea's where Ross was lying on the bed. He didn't recognize me at first (go figure). Finished Waiting For Guffman (sort of). I turned it off when the conversation got too good.
Now here's the thing that made the night great, okay? The conversation. The love. The feeling of belonging. The happiness. The connections. The fun. The sincerity. The intensity. Et cetera.
See there are some times in life when you just know things are going to work out because you have great friends. Sure, they may be 850 miles away most of the year, but they're still there. They're still your friends.
That's the most difficult thing about being away from home, you know? These people you love are 850 + miles away. I mean, that's a lot.
I don't know what else to say except that I love you all. Especially that one person who I toss around more than a salad. And I'm sorry for that. But I probably love you most and that's gotta count for something.
Anyway, let me be frank as long as I can still be garth. I LOVE YOU. AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.
xoxo love lisa.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Is This It
The Strokes nonstop all morning, after "Just Like Honey" and Phantom Planet.
Coachella tix go on sale today? Can I afford it? Will Washington Mutual stop charging me for nothing?
Took a bath this morning. Didn't turn on the fan so it would get nice and steamy. Lemme tell ya: don't ever do that. I ended up fainting 3 (THREE!!!) times. By the third time I was so weak I couldn't even yell for help. Luckily I had my cell phone in the bathroom with me (don't ask why, I don't even know why), so I called my dad and asked him what I should do. By far the scariest experience in my life. I'm still reeling from it. Whoa. It was way intense.
The sun is out and bright. The sky is blue and the clouds are white. And I'm listening to The Strokes.
Perry Devenport you're my hero. Thanks for the great times, great memories, great laughs, great fun.
Alex, thanks for surprising me at Amoeba yesterday. That was just, wow. Indescribable. So amazing.
Enuff with the sap...I'm out.
xoxo Lisa
Coachella tix go on sale today? Can I afford it? Will Washington Mutual stop charging me for nothing?
Took a bath this morning. Didn't turn on the fan so it would get nice and steamy. Lemme tell ya: don't ever do that. I ended up fainting 3 (THREE!!!) times. By the third time I was so weak I couldn't even yell for help. Luckily I had my cell phone in the bathroom with me (don't ask why, I don't even know why), so I called my dad and asked him what I should do. By far the scariest experience in my life. I'm still reeling from it. Whoa. It was way intense.
The sun is out and bright. The sky is blue and the clouds are white. And I'm listening to The Strokes.
Perry Devenport you're my hero. Thanks for the great times, great memories, great laughs, great fun.
Alex, thanks for surprising me at Amoeba yesterday. That was just, wow. Indescribable. So amazing.
Enuff with the sap...I'm out.
xoxo Lisa
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
I'm Caught Between Goodbye and I Love You
Wow. What a weekend. It was a good one, i guess. yeah. made some new friends, rekindled friendships with old ones, so yeah. it's been good.
today was the best day i've had in a long time. it still wasn't great, but it was good. charlene and i got yelled at in french for talking, even though we were speaking in french AND speaking about the material being discussed in class. baptiste is SO anal!! anyway......
i'm coming home this weekend. baybay am i excited or what. i need to get out of this freezing utah weather! see some sun!! SAD! i HAVE SAD! aka seasonal affective disorder. so hilarious.
lisa- we love you sew very much! love katie and andrea. thanks gals ;) :)
i'm off to do more hw and study pour mon examen de francais demain! bonne nuit!
xoxo lisa.
today was the best day i've had in a long time. it still wasn't great, but it was good. charlene and i got yelled at in french for talking, even though we were speaking in french AND speaking about the material being discussed in class. baptiste is SO anal!! anyway......
i'm coming home this weekend. baybay am i excited or what. i need to get out of this freezing utah weather! see some sun!! SAD! i HAVE SAD! aka seasonal affective disorder. so hilarious.
lisa- we love you sew very much! love katie and andrea. thanks gals ;) :)
i'm off to do more hw and study pour mon examen de francais demain! bonne nuit!
xoxo lisa.
Friday, February 06, 2004
I'll Grow Old With You
...at least I'd really like to. But I don't think that can happen given the current circumstances. I really should just tell you to your face, or to your voice since I'm so far away, but talking to you hurts. That's why I didn't talk to you online tonight. And I needed to show myself that I didn't need to talk to you, that I could go more than 24 hours without satisfying my "fix." I'm sorry I'm writing all of this here. I'm really sorry.
And for the rest of you--can I tell you how sad I feel all the time? One minute I think that things will be okay, but the next I feel just as down and hopeless again. I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. I lack purpose, direction, motivation, happiness, love, feeling. I do things to make myself happy but it's all temporary. Walks with Forest are great for my mood, but I turn around and depression hits me in the face again. Watching movies is nice because I can pretend to be someone else for awhile, but the whole time my thoughts wander on how things are, how they will be, etc. etc. I need to think about other people now. I need an adopted grandparent, or a friend to love. I'm not sure what I need. I need relief.
And for the rest of you--can I tell you how sad I feel all the time? One minute I think that things will be okay, but the next I feel just as down and hopeless again. I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. I lack purpose, direction, motivation, happiness, love, feeling. I do things to make myself happy but it's all temporary. Walks with Forest are great for my mood, but I turn around and depression hits me in the face again. Watching movies is nice because I can pretend to be someone else for awhile, but the whole time my thoughts wander on how things are, how they will be, etc. etc. I need to think about other people now. I need an adopted grandparent, or a friend to love. I'm not sure what I need. I need relief.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Biological
I have been listening to Air's new album all day. "Talkie Walkie." I think that's cute.
Sloan and I broke up for good. Like no talking for awhile, not until I'm over him. It's for the best. It was a wonderful relationship for awhile, the best either of us had ever been in, but things turned so sour so fast. Too much to deal with. So it's over. Just like that. Yeah it hurts, it hurts a lot, but I know it was the right thing to do...My heart still hurts but in a different way. I keep thinking about him though. I took down all the pics of us, of him, his drawings to me. That was hard. I put his emails in a special folder. This really is it. Man, it sucks. It is really hard. But it is for the best. Maybe if I keep telling myself that it will help me. Okay, I doubt it. I think we're back to Time the Avenger.
It snowed today. And last night/this morning while I was on the phone with Alex. 2-3 am P to the rovo time. I didn't get to sleep til 3:30. That's late even for me. Normally I'm like 3 am. Whatev. It was def worth it. Alex and I always have great talks.
I'm coming home for President's Day weekend. I'm fairly excited. I haven't seen Perry since September and it will be really nice to see him. Plus my family, plus Alex, plus Helen, Celeste, Bianca, Hannah, Kevin, etc. If I'm allowed to. Sometimes my parents say they are bringing me home to see the fam, but I honestly can't just hang out with family all weekend ;) I really want to see my grandma. I miss her a lot. And I need to see Perry and Alex. Need to go to Berkeley and SF. Buy some vinyl. Yeeeeah.
It snowed today. I already said that. It's snowing right now.
Anyway, I'm in the library and I need to go take a test, and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be somewhere right now but I have no idea where or why, so I'm OVER it baby. So over it.
I'm sick of this. Listen to Air and Heart and David Bowie's "Changes."
xoxo lisa.
Sloan and I broke up for good. Like no talking for awhile, not until I'm over him. It's for the best. It was a wonderful relationship for awhile, the best either of us had ever been in, but things turned so sour so fast. Too much to deal with. So it's over. Just like that. Yeah it hurts, it hurts a lot, but I know it was the right thing to do...My heart still hurts but in a different way. I keep thinking about him though. I took down all the pics of us, of him, his drawings to me. That was hard. I put his emails in a special folder. This really is it. Man, it sucks. It is really hard. But it is for the best. Maybe if I keep telling myself that it will help me. Okay, I doubt it. I think we're back to Time the Avenger.
It snowed today. And last night/this morning while I was on the phone with Alex. 2-3 am P to the rovo time. I didn't get to sleep til 3:30. That's late even for me. Normally I'm like 3 am. Whatev. It was def worth it. Alex and I always have great talks.
I'm coming home for President's Day weekend. I'm fairly excited. I haven't seen Perry since September and it will be really nice to see him. Plus my family, plus Alex, plus Helen, Celeste, Bianca, Hannah, Kevin, etc. If I'm allowed to. Sometimes my parents say they are bringing me home to see the fam, but I honestly can't just hang out with family all weekend ;) I really want to see my grandma. I miss her a lot. And I need to see Perry and Alex. Need to go to Berkeley and SF. Buy some vinyl. Yeeeeah.
It snowed today. I already said that. It's snowing right now.
Anyway, I'm in the library and I need to go take a test, and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be somewhere right now but I have no idea where or why, so I'm OVER it baby. So over it.
I'm sick of this. Listen to Air and Heart and David Bowie's "Changes."
xoxo lisa.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Nights In White Satin
Have you ever listened to "Asleep" by The Smiths? You have? That's great. You haven't? Go listen to it right now!
Season's End show last night was good. Regan, it was nice touching base with you. Maybe we'll have to do it again. Wait, we're chillin tonight. Okay, well you know what I mean then.
Ladies and Gentlemen we are floating in space. So that's a spiritualized album, but I really feel like I'm floating in space. My life lacks purpose. I continually go to school to achieve this goal, a major, a degree, I'm not sure anymore. I had my audition for the School of Music today. It went well. One of the judges and the accompanist were from the Bay Area, and the other judge's brother used to live in Walnut Creek. Crazy?! For real. They asked me a lot about my choral background and if my interest in Music Education was serious. Well, of course it's serious. That's my ulitmate goal in life: happy family, conductor/composer working relationship with Stephen Hatfield, etc. I mean, I did my senior project on choral conducting. So what does this say, you know?
I had a long talk with my mom today. It felt good. Sometimes I don't just talk to her enough. It turns into yelling and misunderstandings and hostility.
My parents want me to come home for President's Day Weekend now. Crazy how that happens. They think I need a dose of reality and a breather from suffocating Utah. Um yeah, I could've told them that a long time ago. Their minds actually changed when I told my mom last night that I'm seeing a therapist now, and that I'm clinically depressed. Yeah. It's not for certain yet if I'm coming home, but it looks very promising. It's on the condition that I can't see Sloan. But that's too personal for this medium. That's all you really need to know.
Four weeks down, eleven to go. eleven weeks. that's not very long at all. then it's home for the rest of the beautiful Bay Area Spring, then the blissful Bay Area Summer, then it's off to France. France. Wow. I know three other girls going at this point. Courtney, Lindsay, Michelle. All in my building. Lindsay and Michelle are on my floor. But can you imagine what Paris will be like for me? DO YOU REALIZE??? Can you see me wandering through Paris alone with a song in my head and happiness in my heart and perhaps a piece of cheese in my hand? I can. I def can.
Can I just say that I miss my friends back home? I miss Celeste, Sloan, Hannah, Bianca, Kim, Jess, Sam, Alex, McKenna, Annie, my family, Melissa, Ashley, Kevin, Perry (soooo much Perry! It's been the longest since I've seen you), the sun, everyone at church, Camilla, Keri, Emily, Marian, Lyndsey, Elska, Vanessa, Beth, Pasha, Helen! (definitely Helen), and yeah there are many many more. Of course. Of course I miss you all. Everyone.
The new AIR album is very good. Sloan, you are right: it has to grow. It grew really fast, like a beanstalk, for me though and I can't get enough of it. Listening to "Run" right now, and that's by far not even the best song, but it's still so good.
This is a long blog entry, but I haven't had a really long one in awhile. So it's okay. Right?
Yesterday Becky and I testdrove this blue Mitsubishi Eclipse. The color was amazing. Really beautiful. The car saleswoman was so nice. She was from Brazil and told us how she hated BYU because all the Utah girls were so fake and mean. Dood it's so true. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. Okay, so there are of course exceptions, but it's pretty frickin' true. I can't stand it here anymore. I need a breather, like home. HOME. HOME!! It feels good saying home.
It's weird to think that I was in Vegas only a week ago. It feels like an eternity. I feel like time is passing quickly, but maybe so much is happening in a week it feels fast. I don't know. It feels slow. It feels fast. I'm sick of not being able to make up my mind about things.
Should I take a nap before going out tonight? Sure. It's my second of the day. Naps never hurt.
And...the neighbors finally turned off their bass that was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. But now some other stupid girls are yelling in the hallway. So they're not stupid, but when they're squealing like that I sure can't help but think they are.
xoxo lisa.
Season's End show last night was good. Regan, it was nice touching base with you. Maybe we'll have to do it again. Wait, we're chillin tonight. Okay, well you know what I mean then.
Ladies and Gentlemen we are floating in space. So that's a spiritualized album, but I really feel like I'm floating in space. My life lacks purpose. I continually go to school to achieve this goal, a major, a degree, I'm not sure anymore. I had my audition for the School of Music today. It went well. One of the judges and the accompanist were from the Bay Area, and the other judge's brother used to live in Walnut Creek. Crazy?! For real. They asked me a lot about my choral background and if my interest in Music Education was serious. Well, of course it's serious. That's my ulitmate goal in life: happy family, conductor/composer working relationship with Stephen Hatfield, etc. I mean, I did my senior project on choral conducting. So what does this say, you know?
I had a long talk with my mom today. It felt good. Sometimes I don't just talk to her enough. It turns into yelling and misunderstandings and hostility.
My parents want me to come home for President's Day Weekend now. Crazy how that happens. They think I need a dose of reality and a breather from suffocating Utah. Um yeah, I could've told them that a long time ago. Their minds actually changed when I told my mom last night that I'm seeing a therapist now, and that I'm clinically depressed. Yeah. It's not for certain yet if I'm coming home, but it looks very promising. It's on the condition that I can't see Sloan. But that's too personal for this medium. That's all you really need to know.
Four weeks down, eleven to go. eleven weeks. that's not very long at all. then it's home for the rest of the beautiful Bay Area Spring, then the blissful Bay Area Summer, then it's off to France. France. Wow. I know three other girls going at this point. Courtney, Lindsay, Michelle. All in my building. Lindsay and Michelle are on my floor. But can you imagine what Paris will be like for me? DO YOU REALIZE??? Can you see me wandering through Paris alone with a song in my head and happiness in my heart and perhaps a piece of cheese in my hand? I can. I def can.
Can I just say that I miss my friends back home? I miss Celeste, Sloan, Hannah, Bianca, Kim, Jess, Sam, Alex, McKenna, Annie, my family, Melissa, Ashley, Kevin, Perry (soooo much Perry! It's been the longest since I've seen you), the sun, everyone at church, Camilla, Keri, Emily, Marian, Lyndsey, Elska, Vanessa, Beth, Pasha, Helen! (definitely Helen), and yeah there are many many more. Of course. Of course I miss you all. Everyone.
The new AIR album is very good. Sloan, you are right: it has to grow. It grew really fast, like a beanstalk, for me though and I can't get enough of it. Listening to "Run" right now, and that's by far not even the best song, but it's still so good.
This is a long blog entry, but I haven't had a really long one in awhile. So it's okay. Right?
Yesterday Becky and I testdrove this blue Mitsubishi Eclipse. The color was amazing. Really beautiful. The car saleswoman was so nice. She was from Brazil and told us how she hated BYU because all the Utah girls were so fake and mean. Dood it's so true. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. Okay, so there are of course exceptions, but it's pretty frickin' true. I can't stand it here anymore. I need a breather, like home. HOME. HOME!! It feels good saying home.
It's weird to think that I was in Vegas only a week ago. It feels like an eternity. I feel like time is passing quickly, but maybe so much is happening in a week it feels fast. I don't know. It feels slow. It feels fast. I'm sick of not being able to make up my mind about things.
Should I take a nap before going out tonight? Sure. It's my second of the day. Naps never hurt.
And...the neighbors finally turned off their bass that was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. But now some other stupid girls are yelling in the hallway. So they're not stupid, but when they're squealing like that I sure can't help but think they are.
xoxo lisa.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
jubilation. she loves me again.
moosemaster007: the thing you most want to keep you must let go; in truth it is making you unhappy because you can not have it close to you and go to college at the same time: an illusion
my brother just said that to me online because i'm so depressed. i dont know why i'm depressed. i just am.
the sun came out today. again. and it was 39 degrees. and i came home from karli's party and chris rains was wearing a t-shirt and he gave me a hug and said, "lisa, this is california weather" and i said yeah. it felt great.
i saw julian today. his wife is due next week. they will name their baby either oliver or owen. i'm happy for them. it was great seeing him.
then i met this guy named carlos. he's in my sharing the gospel class. he listens to pink floyd. he's from tijuana. he speaks french. he lives in the foreign language housing with the french kids. he has a nice smile.
then i met a woman tonight at karli's party. she was the dessert caterer. she is from toulouse, en france. elle etait tres chouette et nous avons parle le francais un peu. je suis tres agitee pour etudiant en france cet automne!
anyway, i should get on my homework or something. or just go to bed. yeah.
why do earthquakes happen miles away when i only want the open ground to swallow me?
lisa.
my brother just said that to me online because i'm so depressed. i dont know why i'm depressed. i just am.
the sun came out today. again. and it was 39 degrees. and i came home from karli's party and chris rains was wearing a t-shirt and he gave me a hug and said, "lisa, this is california weather" and i said yeah. it felt great.
i saw julian today. his wife is due next week. they will name their baby either oliver or owen. i'm happy for them. it was great seeing him.
then i met this guy named carlos. he's in my sharing the gospel class. he listens to pink floyd. he's from tijuana. he speaks french. he lives in the foreign language housing with the french kids. he has a nice smile.
then i met a woman tonight at karli's party. she was the dessert caterer. she is from toulouse, en france. elle etait tres chouette et nous avons parle le francais un peu. je suis tres agitee pour etudiant en france cet automne!
anyway, i should get on my homework or something. or just go to bed. yeah.
why do earthquakes happen miles away when i only want the open ground to swallow me?
lisa.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
crazy on you
yeah baby, lemme go crazy on you. dood, that song rocks. those records i got in vegas are really hott. the best of bread, rod stewart, joni mitchell, cat stevens, heart, john denver, crap i can't even remember the others. that's so pathetic. but oh well. they rock too. haha okay chances are i haven't even listened to them yet if i can't remember then, but no dice. it's okay.
where is alex?
three months/55 days/11 and a half weeks until i'm home.
the sun came out today. it made it a good day.
i'm in the library right now. killing time before class with vern d. sommerfeldt. so excited.
well here's the deal. andrea and i are going to go kill time together in the sun, so i'll write more later prob. lots has happened in the past couple days. for some reason though, the second i start writing in this thing i forget everything i wanted to write about. major bummer.
xoxo lisa.
where is alex?
three months/55 days/11 and a half weeks until i'm home.
the sun came out today. it made it a good day.
i'm in the library right now. killing time before class with vern d. sommerfeldt. so excited.
well here's the deal. andrea and i are going to go kill time together in the sun, so i'll write more later prob. lots has happened in the past couple days. for some reason though, the second i start writing in this thing i forget everything i wanted to write about. major bummer.
xoxo lisa.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
feel like makin love
i'm so into bad company right now it's not even funny.
okay. so i'm almost finished with my application for paris this fall. i am so excited. yeah, i'm going to have to work especially hard this summer, but it's completely worth it in my mind.
and okay. so i like really need to see sloan. like REALLY. i am dying. and where is alex? alex who i love so much? my friend of all friends? he's with his father, yes, but i haven't heard his voice in ages.
i am stressed.
las vegas was fun this weekend. went with becky to see her boyfriend. stayed with his family. they are great. they really are. taylor and dane are brandon's little brothers. they are so hilarious. "i'll tell ya right now, this is way better than playing with toys," says taylor. he was talking about welding and soldering metals. whoa. that kid is intense.
now for something else. i am very tired. and i miss sloan. and i miss CA. and i hate the snow. but i had lots of fun sledding with beau and jeff tonight! so much fun! thanks guys!
anyway, i'm off to do more hw. maybe sleep a little bit. watch "She's All That" with Jordan and Bree. who knows. alright. ciao lovers.
xoxo lisa
okay. so i'm almost finished with my application for paris this fall. i am so excited. yeah, i'm going to have to work especially hard this summer, but it's completely worth it in my mind.
and okay. so i like really need to see sloan. like REALLY. i am dying. and where is alex? alex who i love so much? my friend of all friends? he's with his father, yes, but i haven't heard his voice in ages.
i am stressed.
las vegas was fun this weekend. went with becky to see her boyfriend. stayed with his family. they are great. they really are. taylor and dane are brandon's little brothers. they are so hilarious. "i'll tell ya right now, this is way better than playing with toys," says taylor. he was talking about welding and soldering metals. whoa. that kid is intense.
now for something else. i am very tired. and i miss sloan. and i miss CA. and i hate the snow. but i had lots of fun sledding with beau and jeff tonight! so much fun! thanks guys!
anyway, i'm off to do more hw. maybe sleep a little bit. watch "She's All That" with Jordan and Bree. who knows. alright. ciao lovers.
xoxo lisa
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Hot dang juanita
Best day ever. Went to Park City with my boys Nick and Chad. In the space of one hour, saw David Arquette, Eve, Rachel Dratsch, Andrew Firestone, and some Makai Pfeiffer from 8 Mile. Wurd to yo mothahs. That's all I can say. I got pics with David and Rachel too. Be sure to check out Felicia Vondora once I have them up.
Things are so much better now than before. I am sick of feeling lonely. Whatev though. I know it will continue for awhile. So whatev.
I had so so so so SO much more to say, but now I'm too tired to say it. Except I haven't done any homework for class tomorrow, and I'm studying in Paris this fall!, and I love you all. So there.
xoxo Lisa
Things are so much better now than before. I am sick of feeling lonely. Whatev though. I know it will continue for awhile. So whatev.
I had so so so so SO much more to say, but now I'm too tired to say it. Except I haven't done any homework for class tomorrow, and I'm studying in Paris this fall!, and I love you all. So there.
xoxo Lisa
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Heroes
David Bowie--you're my hero.
Sundance Film Festival was great, though we kind of overstayed our welcome at Jennie's house and had to leave early this morning. Bummer.
Yesterday I just took a long walk through Park City, talking to Alex on the phone the whole time. It was so nice, taking a figurative long walk with him. I saw Demi Moore at Fred Segal and Hank Azaria on the street. I saw The Presidents of the United States of America (the band) and they rocked. I saw The Long Winters and talked to them for a long time. John Roderick actually remembered me from the Death Cab show earlier. He remembered I was wearing a green cordouroy pea coat and that I complimented him on his brown cordouroy coat.
Alex--you're the greatest. You really are. And I'm sorry about your mom.
Park City is so beautiful. It glistened like Rivendell when we drove in Friday night. Saturday morning the sun streamed in through the windows and warmed my cold face. All day it kissed my cheeks and warmed my body as I explored the little shops and crunched through the snow and passed familiar faces on the street. Man, what a great day. And topped off with The Long Winters. Just insane. Insane.
I'm really lost. I'm really confused. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need some help. I don't know what I need. I just know that everything I do makes me think of him, everything I don't do makes me think of him, every minute every second I'm thinking about him. And I don't know what to think about that.
That's it. That's all I've got.
Sundance Film Festival was great, though we kind of overstayed our welcome at Jennie's house and had to leave early this morning. Bummer.
Yesterday I just took a long walk through Park City, talking to Alex on the phone the whole time. It was so nice, taking a figurative long walk with him. I saw Demi Moore at Fred Segal and Hank Azaria on the street. I saw The Presidents of the United States of America (the band) and they rocked. I saw The Long Winters and talked to them for a long time. John Roderick actually remembered me from the Death Cab show earlier. He remembered I was wearing a green cordouroy pea coat and that I complimented him on his brown cordouroy coat.
Alex--you're the greatest. You really are. And I'm sorry about your mom.
Park City is so beautiful. It glistened like Rivendell when we drove in Friday night. Saturday morning the sun streamed in through the windows and warmed my cold face. All day it kissed my cheeks and warmed my body as I explored the little shops and crunched through the snow and passed familiar faces on the street. Man, what a great day. And topped off with The Long Winters. Just insane. Insane.
I'm really lost. I'm really confused. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need some help. I don't know what I need. I just know that everything I do makes me think of him, everything I don't do makes me think of him, every minute every second I'm thinking about him. And I don't know what to think about that.
That's it. That's all I've got.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
(none)
Things are over with Sloan. I still care about him, he still cares about me, but things just won't work right now, not next week, maybe not ever. but i still care about him very much.
anyway, life in p to the rovo is improving. i still miss home, the bay area, sloan and alex and my girls, but my weekend jaunt to park city for sundance this weekend should be a total blast, not to mention i'm escaping utah valley for the weekend. yeehaw.
aight. love you all. i mean it. i really do.
lisa.
anyway, life in p to the rovo is improving. i still miss home, the bay area, sloan and alex and my girls, but my weekend jaunt to park city for sundance this weekend should be a total blast, not to mention i'm escaping utah valley for the weekend. yeehaw.
aight. love you all. i mean it. i really do.
lisa.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Shake the Dope Out
This weekend: chilled at a partay Friday. sucked. called eric and chilled with him and adam. adam is amazing. chilling with them again tonight, and emily and dave. should be a real shindig.
went to idaho too. wow. idaho. there is nothing there. really. you know on movies when people move to the middle of nowhere? yeah, they film all those parts in idaho. there is NOTHING. n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well there's hollywood video, blockbuster, some bars, a rollerskating rink, so the usual small town fare. but it's awful. i'm telling you. literal hell on earth.
not to mention that everyone's shopping lives revolve around wal-mart (most of them had never heard of banana republic or even puma), pant sizes begin at a size 20 (for women, i'd say about 42 for men), and general politesse is something they've never heard of. imagine 50-year old mothers belching at the dinner table. yeah. no joke.
anyway, the weekend was fun overall. my eyes were opened to how life could be, and it made me so much more grateful that i live in utah where people at least dont look at me as funny as people in idaho did. it was def an experience.
things are getting better too. i'm not as sad, not as disgruntled. things could be a lot better, that's for sure, but idaho showed me that it could be an immeasurable amount worse.
enough about idaho. i'm going to do some work now. love you all. hope things are good.
xoxo times infinity (arkarkark)
lisa.
went to idaho too. wow. idaho. there is nothing there. really. you know on movies when people move to the middle of nowhere? yeah, they film all those parts in idaho. there is NOTHING. n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well there's hollywood video, blockbuster, some bars, a rollerskating rink, so the usual small town fare. but it's awful. i'm telling you. literal hell on earth.
not to mention that everyone's shopping lives revolve around wal-mart (most of them had never heard of banana republic or even puma), pant sizes begin at a size 20 (for women, i'd say about 42 for men), and general politesse is something they've never heard of. imagine 50-year old mothers belching at the dinner table. yeah. no joke.
anyway, the weekend was fun overall. my eyes were opened to how life could be, and it made me so much more grateful that i live in utah where people at least dont look at me as funny as people in idaho did. it was def an experience.
things are getting better too. i'm not as sad, not as disgruntled. things could be a lot better, that's for sure, but idaho showed me that it could be an immeasurable amount worse.
enough about idaho. i'm going to do some work now. love you all. hope things are good.
xoxo times infinity (arkarkark)
lisa.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Changes
alright, so normally i dont like posting two days in a row. makes me feel needy, weak, desperate for emotional therapy. well i guess these are true right now. i'm quite homesick--i miss san francisco, berkeley, even walnut creek. i miss my dog. i miss my fmaily. i miss sloan. i miss alex. i miss my girls. but whatev.
byu sucks sometimes. it really does. i feel like there is no place for me here. my friends--i love my friends--are just friends. not lifelong soul siblings. eric and i had that once. regan and i did. forest and i are getting close to it. i love andrea and britt and jennie, i mean i could go on forever you know? but there's no point. these people are all here for me and i love them for it, but do they really understand me? do they know who i am without even trying? no, i dont think they do. i wish they did. i feel so alone. i really do.
i haven't been this depressed in a long time. not even when i first came to byu. i dont know what makes it different now. well i do. it was being home with sloan and alex, two people who i care so much about. two people who just "get" me. they know what makes me tick just because they do.
i am sick of being sad. i am sick of feeling like crap about myself, about being here, about everything. i am sick of not having someone i can love all the time. well i have that, but who knows how long it will last. i miss you so much sloan. that's it. i'm going to a party now.
byu sucks sometimes. it really does. i feel like there is no place for me here. my friends--i love my friends--are just friends. not lifelong soul siblings. eric and i had that once. regan and i did. forest and i are getting close to it. i love andrea and britt and jennie, i mean i could go on forever you know? but there's no point. these people are all here for me and i love them for it, but do they really understand me? do they know who i am without even trying? no, i dont think they do. i wish they did. i feel so alone. i really do.
i haven't been this depressed in a long time. not even when i first came to byu. i dont know what makes it different now. well i do. it was being home with sloan and alex, two people who i care so much about. two people who just "get" me. they know what makes me tick just because they do.
i am sick of being sad. i am sick of feeling like crap about myself, about being here, about everything. i am sick of not having someone i can love all the time. well i have that, but who knows how long it will last. i miss you so much sloan. that's it. i'm going to a party now.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Love is Only a Feeling
So in all honesty, coming back to school has been rather hard. I miss home, I miss Sloan, I miss Alex, I miss the sun. It's sunny today, at least. It's the first sunny day since I've been here. But my heart just feels empty all the time. I'm not sure why, except maybe because I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like a lost ship at sea. Sometimes other ships will sail by and offer help, but once they leave it's back to being lost.
I know I'll get used to it. It's already easier. I'm just sick of crying, sick of my heart aching. I need to change something.
I know I'll get used to it. It's already easier. I'm just sick of crying, sick of my heart aching. I need to change something.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell
Man. Provo is cold. Snow is literally all that can be seen on the ground, except for where it's been cleared on the pavement and walkways and such. It's intense.
I miss home. I miss CA. I miss Sloan. I miss him soooooo much. Like crazy. It's good to see all my friends here and stuff, but I'm still searching for that one person here who I really connect with. Like really deeply. That connection hasn't come, and I'm suffering without it. I just miss him desperately, and Alex too. Alex is a very great caring friend. But Sloan. It is awful leaving the one person you care about most behind. Very awful.
But I'll survive. Gloria Gaynor did it, I can too.... :) -----------> weak attempt at a smile.
xoxo love and happiness.
I miss home. I miss CA. I miss Sloan. I miss him soooooo much. Like crazy. It's good to see all my friends here and stuff, but I'm still searching for that one person here who I really connect with. Like really deeply. That connection hasn't come, and I'm suffering without it. I just miss him desperately, and Alex too. Alex is a very great caring friend. But Sloan. It is awful leaving the one person you care about most behind. Very awful.
But I'll survive. Gloria Gaynor did it, I can too.... :) -----------> weak attempt at a smile.
xoxo love and happiness.
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