I don't wanna be defeated.

I'm still doing the shuffle thing. I'm on song 677.

Work is going really well. They're using my web stories in the print version. They're trusting me with editing (meaning cutting, like actually altering the text as I see fit) the print version. It's really cool. I am flattered. I am also grateful to be a good writer and that I was blessed with this talent, because I really like doing it, be it tech writing, criticism, or blogging. Blogging is my favorite though. Or writing little vignettes about my thoughts and experiences.

When I am truly happy, I discover little insights. I must be truly happy right now, because I find a few insights each day. This morning, it was that I must've been a punk rocker in a past life. I say this because since I've been doing my iPod shuffle thing, my heart noticeably skips a beat when a Mission of Burma song comes on, or when a Wipers song starts, or when I hear the rip-rockin' chords of a Buzzcocks tune. I truly was born in the wrong era, but it's probably better I was born in this era when no good punk rock is being made so I don't become some junkie.

I'm excited for my Super 8 class this fall. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do, both shots and narration. Every shot I think of involves shooting into the sun, into its amber-colored tentacles. I love shooting into the sun. It can be tricky, but with some practice I think I'll get it right. It creates such an ethereal tone and instantly enlivens whatever your subject is. I love it. Some of my favorite photos I've taken were of JR on the Shandy Hall roof last fall. Shot into the sun at sunset, used a fill flash to light him. They're pretty cool.

Now I'm on song 682. "Bed For the Scraping" by Fugazi off Red Medicine.

Oh you know, just living the dream.

Thirty hours until I leave for Montauk. Meet me in Montauk.

Today I edited a bunch of stories at work. The em dash is overused.

Tonight I am tired. I had good things to write, things about the subway and about how lovely people are, but I am too tired. Well, I'll write a little.

Today I left work and decided to go to SoHo, only I didn't end up going to SoHo. I walked down Park Avenue, from 28th to 14th, to Union Square. I couldn't help but be in love with everyone who walked by. Everyone I passed was just. So. Beautiful. They seemed to smile, even if they weren't really. They were magical. I feel this way a lot though. This time was no more special than any other except for the fact that it happened today. It will probably happen tomorrow too.

Did you know my blog is still on west coast/pacific time? I've never changed it. But I did leave my heart in San Francisco when I first moved to Provo (four years ago), so it's only fitting.

Five weeks left in New York. I think I will be ready to leave Provo come December after all. I'm thinking maybe I'll move to the beach. Maybe I can convince John-Ross to move to Italy with me when he's done with school. (He would have to be my mouthpiece since I can only speak opera lyrics that sing about love and heartache. Then again, I may be able to win a few Italian hearts that way). Maybe I'll join the Peace Corps. Maybe I'll move to the forest so I can meditate all day, every day, and pick up tai chi again. I was happier when I did tai chi.

Why did the Beatles put children's voices in "Across the Universe"? Maybe they thought the kids sounded like angels. I think they sound like gross.

Observations on the Subway: Brooklyn to Manhattan, 1 am to 2:30 am

• boyfriend feeling up girlfriend directly across from me on the Q. I was repulsed. I switched cars.
• child screaming from DeKalb to wherever...Brooklyn to halfway through Manhattan
• Riding backward on the subway is my favorite. The motions are contradictory. I'm facing the past, but the future comes nonetheless. Symbolic of my current state.
• The graffiti on the Brooklyn side is much better than the graffiti on the Manhattan side. One might expect this. I found a secret subway station off the Q. I have no clue where to find it again. The Ninja Turtles probably live there.
• I fall in love with a different man every time I ride the subway. Last night it was a boy with wavy brown hair, layered surfer-style to his shoulders, grey carpenter pants, a darling grin, green Crocs, stained t-shirt, olive skin. He was foreign. He was smiling at me.
• Black men check me out more than men from any other race. I think that's why I like Brooklyn so much. I feel sexy there. Manhattan is only fruitful for skinny white girls. I think black men are probably led on my buxom front side, but disappointed by my lack of a ba-donk-a-donk rear.
• Most black women I interact with here call me "Baby" or "Babe." If anyone else called me this, I would find it condescending. Otherwise, it's oddly endearing.
• There are a few different guys I wouldn't mind dating, but I don't think they know I exist. Or maybe they do, but they don't know I'm a girl. Either way, New York needs to step it up.
• The highest compliment ever paid to me was by my mom's cousin Janet. It was late August in Salem, Oregon. We were at my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. Janet had had a few glasses of wine. She was neither drunk nor tipsy, sober nor stable. She cam e over to me toward the end of the party, glass of champagne in hand. "Lisa," she said, "you have a light about you. It's a light a know well. It's the light your mother has. Your eyes sparkle. Your smile lights up the room. It's uncanny how much you look like your mother when she was your age. I feel like I'm in the '70s again, looking at your mother. You have the same air and the same energy." My mother is the best woman I know, next to Grandma Betty, with John-Ross' mother closing in the rear. How lucky I am to have them in my life. This is my greatest goal--to be one of these women.
• Dave is already dating a new girl. I feel very meaningless.
  

It's a beautiful world.

Humans are 95 percent similar. We're all composed of the same parts. We have the same organs, the same emotions, the same general abilities. We are hardly as unique as we think we are. Black, white, Asian, Dominican, rich, poor, stuck-up, humble. That five percent difference accounts for practically nothing, yet somehow that's where we place all the emphasis. That five percent difference is why people are racist, why there are hair salons specifically for black women, why Asians have narrow eyes, why my last name wreaks of bratwurst. That five percent difference is what breeds the bulk of the hatred infesting the world.

This morning on the subway, a homeless man started his schpiel about how he was hungry and all he wanted was some change for a coffee or warm sandwich. I hear this story at least once a day. My heart is mostly hardened to it. I kept my eyes in my book (The Book of Mormon, ironically) and casually glanced at those better than I who gave him some change, a dollar, anything. We passed 50th, arrived at 42nd Times Square. The homeless man turned to a yuppie white guy, garbed in Lands End, and asked, "This is Times Square right?" Yuppie guy ignored the homeless man. He repeated, "Is this Times Square?"

Yuppie man knew full well that homeless guy was talking to him, yet he still straight up ignored him. Yuppie guy turned to leave, still fully avoiding homeless guy, and homeless guy yells, "F*** you, man." It was the only fitting thing to say, I suppose, and it was deserved.

It's that darn five percent.

Let me count the ways.

New York is great.

GREAT!

Yesterday I helped Trent and Phil and Joe move from my house in north Manhattan to their house in Brooklyn. It took us...TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GET THERE! I couldn't believe it. It was ridiculous. First, the A only ran to 4th street, so we had to switch to the D. Then we had to switch to the Q. It was the pits. But luckily, they live right next to Prospect Park, so I spent much of the afternoon napping and exploring that gorgeous, lovely park.

Last night was the best! We went to my friend Adeline's birthday party. Addie was an exchange student from France who stayed with my family eight years ago, and now she works for a French company in New York. I have never wanted to drink wine so badly in my life. She had a huge spread of bread and cheese (Oh, the cheese! It was so delicious) and a counter with probably fifteen different wines. We (me, Trent and Phil) were the only native English speakers -- as well as the only non-imbibers -- at the party. Addie lovingly remembered that some Mormons don't drink caffeine, so she got me caffeine free Diet Coke! Everyone else was French, and SO COOL! There was this one guy Charles (Trent and Phil thought he said his name was Jazz) who was very obviously the self-appointed life of the party. This kid was rattling off in French alllllllllll night, and he'd pull one of those "I'm talking loudly is everyone watching me" routines where he'd look around and make sure all eyes were on him. He was great. But France! My love is renewed; my anger at myself for letting my French slip is intensified. I hardly understood anything last night, granted they were all inebriated and talking a mile a minute. But! France!

Today I went to church. It was a great day. A GREAT day. A boy I once had a purely physical relationship with is getting married. Good for him! I don't know the girl, but I pray they'll be very happy. I met many wonderful people, including a girl named Sara who's 29 and moved to New York a year ago after working for a designer lady in Boise, and now Sara goes to Pratt and she's interning with Steinway! Like Steinway pianos! She said I can come play piano there anytime I want to! We exchanged numbers so we can be friends. After church, Chris, Yancy and Lacey came over to my house for a short while, and I heard Yancy's ring tone (DRAGONFORCE!! I heard his phone ring and I actually looked around for Rory!) before we all trekked back to Fort Tryon Park for this boy Collin's birthday party. It was so fun! Megan had her Polaroid and we took photos. She also had her baseball mits, so we played catch. Anne made delicious cupcakes and cake, and she brought games like "Stick the butterfly on Curious George," which bears a striking resemblance to Pin the Tail on the Donkey minus the concise name, and we wore party hats, and flew a kite, and blew bubbles, and later I ran along a rock wall that had a 20 or 30 foot drop down one side. Luckily Yancy held my hand for comfort, and Megan took an amazing photo of it. Everyone walking by was jealous. I would've been too. It was a marvelous evening. The weather was perfect. The mood was perfect. Everything was perfect. Also, Fort Tryon is my most favorite park in Manhattan, if not all of New York City. It is gorgeous. Windy, overgrown, mysterious, enchanting. I will return there oft.

Now I'm at home listening to the Beatles. Maybe I'll update my ipod. I'm still doing the shuffle thing. I'm on song 378 out of 5,150. I'm doing pretty well, eh?

The moral of the story is that New York is a lot of fun, and I will miss it come August 9.

This week for the 4th of July I'm seeing the New Pornographers for free, watching the Macy*s fireworks, and then this weekend I'm going camping in Montauk, meet me in Montauk.

My life is like, so shoes.

Love (truly),
Lisa

Not For All The Tea In China

I've realized I'm noticeably more sad in the morning than the evening. I'm not sure why. Strange, eh?

Today I'm working from home. People at my work work from home all the time. I often wonder if they're actually working or if they're doing what I'm doing, which is working while watching movies. Oh and blogging, but I already blog at work anyway.

New York in the summertime is gross. Don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise. I'm not going to waste time describing it. Just know it's gross and that dry heat is where it's at.

I've been thinking a lot lately about growing up, about what I should do when I finish school in December. I could stay in school another semester, I could work for a little while and go to grad school in the fall. I could go back to New York and work, or go to Europe and work, or move home to San Francisco and work. Also, I could stay in Utah and work, although I'd move to Salt Lake City. Or I could still serve a mission.

But the real dilemma is this: Do I want to be someone or do I want to be mediocre? I feel that if I move back home, I'll be taking the easy way out. I could work a cool job in San Francisco, but it probably wouldn't be with the BBC. If I moved to New York I'd be unhappy because I have to take the subway everywhere. If I moved to London or Paris, of course I'd be happy and doing something with my life--I'd be in Europe!

Do you see my predicament? I need to detach myself from that mindset, that I have to be somewhere other than a place I know to be somebody. I'll go where I should go, I guess.

Here's a personal revelation. My friends Trent and Phil and Joe have been staying with me the past few days since their sublet doesn't start til tomorrow. I've noticed though that I really like having a man around. Like REALLY. It feels natural. It feels right. It feels...scary. I'm not sure what it means, but I think it mostly just means I like having a man around. Nothing more. I think it also means I miss Dave, but my life is already less stressful not talking to him. I let myself get too stressed out with him. It wasn't good. This time not talking will be good.

Also, his myspace profile says he's from Bourgeois Bohemia. I've always wondered what this was, so I finally looked it up yesterday. The definition of the term bourgeois bohemians follows: "Often of the corporate upper-middle to upper class, they rarely oppose mainstream society, claim highly tolerant views of others, buy lots of expensive and exotic items, and believe American society to be meritocratic."

Too bad Dave's so cool.

Off to work!

I'm so tame in my old age.

I have six weeks left in New York starting today. Six weeks minus two hours from the time I started typing this.

I am not going to take my iPod off shuffle until I leave (This is a goal I will not complete). I'm on song 224 out of 5,150.

Tomorrow the iPhone comes out. Everyone at work is freaking out.

This weekend I am helping Trent, Joe and Phil move to their sublet Brooklyn. Then we are going to the beach so we're not so white (except for Phil because he's Asian). Then my friend Addie, who once stayed with my family as a French exchange student, is turning 26, and I'm going to her party which will probably be full of French people. She lives in Park Slope. It will be a day full of Brooklyn.

Wednesday is the 4th of July. We are seeing the New Pornographers for free. The Macy's fireworks are that night. They light over one million pounds of explosives. Anyone who knows me knows I am overjoyed with this prospect.

Friday the 6th, Fujiya & Miyagi and Ulrich Schnauss play for free.

Saturday morning I'm leaving in a 15-passenger van with 9 or 10 friends for Montauk where I will be camping on the beach until Sunday night. Meet me in Montauk.

The next Friday night I'm taking the train to Syracuse to see Marcus. I get to sit in the dining car and lounge, which must mean I have to wear a black sequined dress, white gloves that make me a modest woman, and a feathery hat. That night we're going camping near some waterfalls. The next day we're going to Palmyra for pageant. We're driving back to NYC the next night.

The weekend after that is Trent's birthday. He wants to go to Atlantic City. Maybe we will.

The weekend after that Sonic Youth plays in Brooklyn and Lani comes to town.

The weekend after that is my last weekend in New York.

The Tuesday after that is my last day of work, and I fly home Thursday.

I leave on my road trip home a few days after that. I'm going to ride bikes with my dad in Yosemite and go camping with my dog Kimba. (Phoebe could come too I guess, but she's small and doesn't like walking, so when she gets tired she just plops in the middle of the trail). I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to do nothing. When I'm sick of being home (which is never possible) I'm going to drive down Highway 1 to LA where I'll visit Kevin and Cameron. Then I'll drive back to Utah.

My birthday is the 25th. I'll be 22. I'm having a Backyard Birthday Bash. More information to come.

I move back into my lovely home the 26th and 27th. School starts the 4th.

I've turned into a planner, you see.

Uncool Fool Can't Wait to Go Back to School

The worst part about life is waiting. Waiting until I'm tired enough to go to bed. Waiting until I become cool. Waiting for people to make decisions you know they should make. Waiting for the fiesta below my window to stop. Waiting to go back to Provo (from there I will be waiting to go where?)

I just watched Almost Famous. I don't know how I'd never seen that movie before. It basically affirmed for me what my parent's friends have told me for years: That I was born in the wrong decade. Here I am, almost 22, and my preferred listening format is vinyl. Rolling Stone is run by the man now (although the film purports it was back then too), and who tours on buses anymore? That age is over. But Lester Bangs said something interesting in that film. He said, "I'm always home. I'm uncool." Sometimes I feel this way, but I'm not always home so maybe it's not true.

I made a big decision last week. It was to stop talking to someone very important to me, at least for the rest of the summer. That was Tuesday night. The only day I haven't cried was Friday, but I am a born-again crier (I never used to cry until last August when I had an emotional and spiritual rebirth). The emotional repercussions vary. Most of the time I'm fine. I don't think I'm fine at all when I sleep, because he's been in my dreams every night since then. A) I never remember my dreams except until last Tuesday night, and B) I rarely have people in my dreams.

Josh came to visit this weekend. We saw a man sitting in a trashcan at Coney Island. He was serious about it.

I've lived in my new apartment since Wednesday and I haven't unpacked yet. I have six weeks left in New York, but all I can think about is August when I have 25 whole days to do nothing. It's not enough days. But I won't unpack. I guess I think it'll feel like I'm just on vacation if I don't unpack, like I just got here and I'm going right home. Nostalgia has always been a horrible disease to me. I am one of those people who should take a clue from Cinema Paradiso (great film if you haven't seen it) and never go home.

(One week left in June, four-and-a-half in July, one-and-a-half in August).

I have really great parents and really great friends.

(I think in parentheses).

I'm increasingly convinced that I will suffer from depression my entire life. Not severe depression, but mild after thoughts from when I was severely depressed a few years ago. It will surface at inopportune times, like while I'm making love once I'm married (One time it hit while I was making out with this boy a few summers ago. Luckily he loved me, so he only comforted me), or when I move to new places. I'm fairly sure I'll suffer from postpartum depression when I have kids (all the more reason to continue my plans to adopt), and despite my beliefs on the afterlife, I'll miss my parents, once they die, profusely. I don't think I'm special in any of this. Everyone goes through these things. Everyone has a hard time being away from the people they love. Everyone has had their heart broken. Everybody hurts, sometimes. (Yes! I did that thing).

But really. Since I've been back from California (I was only there for five days, for crying out loud), I've had a pain in my heart. I can't shake it. I'm on the verge of tears half the time, and I've started counting the weeks til I leave again. I did this when I first arrived in New York, but it stopped altogether probably two weeks afterward. I'm counting on that again. I don't like being unhappy in New York. I don't like being unhappy ever.

Today after my walk and nap in Central Park, I walked down 72nd to purchase a cupcake at my favorite cupcakery, Buttercup (it became my favorite today). A few storefronts down from Buttercup was a young girl, probably ten, who looked a lot like my old neighbor and best friend Jenny Wille when she was that age. The girl was playing some very sad melodies on her very sad-looking violin, with a pitiful glittered sign balancing precariously in her violin case. I had to hit the perfect angle because of all the glitter, but it read, "HELP PRESERVE THE RAINFOREST" in those horrible block letters all children are enamored with. (Block letters and bubble letters). Perhaps it was because I was already emotional, but my sunglass-covered eyes filled with tears as I placed a dollar deep in her violin case. There are few things as touching to me as 1: children being sincere, 2: people loving the Earth, 3: music, and 4: a sincere child playing a musical instrument on behalf of the Earth.

Today I found Gramercy Park near my work. It is so gorgeous, but you have to have a key to get inside. What good is a beautiful thing if people can't enjoy it, or if only rich people can enjoy it? Don't they enjoy enough already?

Last night I saw the film "Let's Get Lost," a documentary made in 1987 about Chet Baker. He is a different person to me now. Then I met up with my old friend Lauren from high school. She is so great. I really like that girl.

I have to go now. I want to finish writing, but I'll have to do it later.

Bye Bye Bye

The further I venture into adulthood, the more I realize boredom maximizes whatever personal problem I'm currently having.

For example, my last blog post I stressed about a guy. Warranted stressing, maybe, but being home was really the only thing that initiated it. Since I've been back, I'm completely okay about it. Everything I said: Nullified. We are just friends, after all. (But are we?)

Today I have a softball tournament instead of work. Sadly, I wore my cute new flats and not my scrubby old sneakers, automatically demoting myself to the position of heckler/Uno player.

Until going home this weekend, I can't remember the last time I was bored. I've developed a built-in time killer, i.e. looking for split ends on my hair. It's a horrible habit. It's like biting my nails. I've noticed, however, that I unconsciously start looking for split ends when I hang out with this certain person here in NY. It's not that bad though. I'm so busy, all the time, that being bored is a welcome diversion.

I could've written that much more eloquently.

I was hoping to find a salvation.

I have a slight hole in my heart today. I had the greatest day today. I went to SF and met up with my friend Matt. What a delight, this Matt is. We went to In N Out Burger. We went to the Sutro Bath ruins, my favorite spot in the entire city. We went to Ocean Beach. Then he drove me home. It was a delightful day, the best I can remember in ages. There hasn't been a single day, perhaps not even a single moment in New York that topped my day.

But then I came home. My mom wondered why I couldn't date someone like Matt because he is handsome and with it and has never veered too far from his beliefs. We went to my grandma's house which my aunt and uncle are currently preparing to sell. We laughed at a pair of shoes Papa altered: he must've needed to be three inches taller for a project, so he took a pair of Reeboks and nailed the soles to three-inch tall blocks of wood.

Then I got online and remembered someone who's supposed to miss me and who I'm supposed to miss. Sometimes I just don't know. I think, "You should just move on. Things would never really work out. It would be a potentially tumultuous life." Friends tell me, "You are too good for that. Don't sell yourself short." I'm blinded by potential. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. When really, the highs are not that high and the lows are too low. Maybe it's the distance. Maybe it's the fact I feign satisfaction in the present while hoping for future satisfaction that only taunts my heart and skews my logic and confuses my prayers, because really things would be so great if only. Maybe it's that a person cannot possibly love another when they hate themself. Maybe it's the fact we haven't heard the other's voice in a week.

I will always be second rate compared to her.

I'm going to chalk it up to fatigue. I'm jetlagged, my dogs wake me up at 7 am with their slobbers and affections, and my parents' blind racism and ignorant political statements strain me emotionally.

I have this fear that grows more intense each time I visit my parents. I'm fairly sure they won't like who I marry. At least, they won't have much in common with him. But I'm so afraid he and I will become ostracized from my family. That our opinions, which surely will conflict with theirs, will cause polarization between us. Last night we were at Emil's, our family restaurant for four generations. It was 10 pm, nearing closing time, and the service was understandably slow despite the clientele lag in the eatery. My uncle made a crack, "I'll bet the immigration officer came and cleared out the kitchen." "Haha," my other uncle chimed in. "Vamanos, muchachos!" My parents laughed heartily. Behind them was a Hispanic man, no doubt from Mexico, probably on his third job of the day, bussing a recently vacated table. He looked up when he heard this comment, watching them cackle in ignorance. I turned to my brother Michael, my one comisserator, and told him the sequence of events. He bowed his head in residual embarrassment.

Yesterday at Costco, my mom told me she didn't think my dad would like me getting the Planet Earth series on DVD for my birthday. I described the series to her, and she said, "I don't know. It sounds too Al Gore-ish."

"Tell her God's creation is not Al Gore-ish." That's what he said. How can I move on from someone who can whip that out?

I am so confused these days, but I've asked for too much help from the place I receive the most of it, without listening to His advice. My prayers are nullified by my stubborness.

Being in San Francisco today, at my favorite spot in the whole world, taught me something. New York and I speak the same language, but we speak two different dialects. I grew up speaking Bay Arean. San Franciscan and Berkeleyan. I can learn New York's language, but I'll never be a native speaker.

I have nine weeks left.

Wild is the Wind

Well, I'm a little bummed right now. I'm in DC visiting a friend this weekend. It's been fun, despite the fact I had my first dose of east coast heat. Yesterday we explored downtown DC. Once again, it was fun, but my friend's girlfriend can be whiny and fussy, and he caters to her every desire. So pathetic. I have no tolerance for this type of woman. Her type is the reason I tend to avoid my sex unless I'm related to them. But I saw lots of cops wearing shorts. I saw a lot of old stone buildings. I saw a lot of Indian people. I always saw a lot of Smithsonians.

My friends in New York are going to the beach tomorrow. Lame. Sure, I'm going to the Holocaust Museum and the National Arboretum, but they're going to the BEACH! Memorial Day is about two things: BBQs and beaches. I did the former today, and it's going to be weeks before they go to the beach again.

Second whine from me. There's a booze cruise for all the LDS singles in my area this weekend. I'm torn. Do I go to a free concert by rock and roll legend Roky Erickson, an event that wreaks of cool even on paper, or do I go to a 3-hour long linger longer/boat cruise that will cost me $20 and force me to be with a bunch of 20-somethings with no means of escape save the passage of time?

All in all, I can't wait to get back to New York. I'm glad I came to DC since I've never been here, and it turns out Bob's moving to Indianapolis tomorrow (Bob's my friend who lives here), but I feel like I'm missing out on EVERYTHING! Not true. I felt the same way when I left Provo. I'm going home for five days in a week-and-a-half; I'm sure I'll feel the same way then too.

Screw leaving New York! I love it too much.

a resurrection

In less than a week, I will reach my one month anniversary of being in New York. However, I did not start falling in love with New York until nearly two weeks after I arrived, May 12. It was a wonderful day. We took the afternoon train to SoHo. I bought a necklace that has a fish on it. I was wearing a new dress. It started raining. We got lost. We got soaked. Then, at the end of the night when I was tired and suffering sugar withdrawals, I heard a man in the subway playing the title track from The Umbrellas of Cherbourg on his accordion.

My heart lept across the platform, my aorta entertwining with the luscious meanderings of that sad song.

Thus was the beginning of my love affair.

My desire has only heightened since. Last week I found one of my favorite albums of all time, "Chet Baker Sings," on vinyl in the Village. Yesterday I went to what I thought would be a hipster/indie show, only it ended up being the most svelte experimental jazz in all of Manhattan. Today I went to The Daily Show and Al Gore was the guest. Afterward, we went and lounged in Central Park, listening to the songs the air sings as frisbees glide through it and the snapping fingers of the grass as barefoot children run through it.

I know why Paul Simon writes so many songs about New York now. Bodegas. Stoops. Diamonds. I know why Woody Allen films so many films in New York now. Dixieland. Village. Soon-Yi. (Just kidding).

New York is the best lover I've ever known. Patient, understanding, ready to listen, vibrant. I am attached.

revelation for my readers

I wasn't sure if I wanted to delete this blog or start a new one to talk about all my New York happenings. I've been working on this one since high school, you see. I never really told anyone about it though.

Things have changed. There's a lot of stuff in here I'm not proud of, and a lot I wish I hadn't wrote and wish you wouldn't read. Nevertheless, I am unashamed. Please, read this blog. I'm going to start writing in it again. Read my old entries though. Get to know me. Thank you.

Gosh. I read back on my more recent posts and moan. I can't believe I was so pathetic to be that torn up over a guy.

Anyway, life is going fine. I decided to graduate in April, right on schedule at four years. I'm heading to New York to intern with Hachette Filipacchi, then who knows what.

I'm struggling with something though. I'm moving out of my house, as we speak, and I haven't told my roommate yet. My name's not on the lease, I'm only subletting, so I can leave with no remedial consequence. But I feel awful. I've known for almost a month, but I haven't told her. I'm horrible.

Back to packing...

my life story

I think you know your life sucks when you come home on a Friday night, and no one calls you to hang out. The catch is: you don't call anyone either.

Really, this is me. This is what I do most weekends and weeknights. Whether I have no desire to call anyone or lack the confidence is of no importance. I have ten people I could call right now who would want to hang out, but I can't figure out why I don't just call them. Things were much easier when I lived with my best friend and we could stay home and be happy as clams. Now that I don't live with my best friend (I basically live alone; my roommate is never here), I find I am discontent in staying home by myself, yet do nothing to change it. Luckily I don't complain about my version of loneliness to anyone; I keep it to myself and resolve to change it but do nothing.

And that is the crux of human discontent -- one sees what needs to be changed yet makes no attempt to change it.

The end. Have a good weekend.

The Way I Feel Inside

I have led two, passionless years of existence. I loved Sloan. I loved him in a way that redefined love. I am home for Thanksgiving, I am discontent, I am restless. I am sick of nothing being good enough.

My ex-boyfriend from the summer, Ryan, called me tonight. What do I do with that? I don't care about you like that anymore. You loved me and I did not love you. I am sorry because I don't think we can ever be friends, unless you are already over me and in that case you were not in love with me. You have life in you, incredibly passionate. I am sick of you not being good enough.

And Richard who I am "pseudo-dating" in Provo. Why can't I be like you? You don't care about anything. Politics, music, film--you like everything except for country and rap. You have no political affiliation, no passion. You are the most content man I've ever met.

I am sick of no one being good enough to take his place.

I am ready to love. Really, really ready. I want someone good enough to make me forget Sloan even exists. I want to remember how I felt and I want someone to blow that out of the water. I want to meet you and your parents and not look back. I am crying. I am alone.

let's have a war

I'm trying to find inspiration for my personal narrative, rough draft due tomorrow, and I want it to be good. Damn good. I just read through a bunch of old blogs to find inspiration and Whoa Man. WHOA. So crazy to see the difference in my mood between October 2003 to April 2004. It's a long roadtrip of happiness until January '04 and then CRASH!, I've driven past the Cliff House and into the ocean. I really loved that guy, that Sloan. It's good to remember once in awhile so I don't forget how to, you know? I mean I've cared about people since then, but nothing like that, not even close. In fact I ended a relationship this summer because of that, because even though he was good it was so far from Sloan that it wasn't even worth it to me. Now I don't even talk to summer guy anymore and I broke his heart and I hate myself for it. But if love's not there, there is no point in staying. I still have no idea what to write about. Rick thinks I should write about our camping trip a few weekends ago; I'm afraid it's cliche. "I love my friends. They are sooooooooo great. We do stuff together all the time. For example, one time Rick, Capree and I went camping up the canyon. It was so fun because we made s'mores and it rained and we picked wildflowers and peed in the grass." Nuh uh man. No freaking way. It is still too fresh to have learned anything from it other than I have two lifelong friends because of it. That is all. I need to start writing it nowwwwwwwww. I <3>

looks like I'm on the right path...

Outgoing (E) 65.71% Withdrawn (I) 34.29% Imaginative (N) 60% Realistic (S) 40% Emotional (F) 62.07% Intellectual (T) 37.93% Improvised (P) 65.71% Organized (J) 34.29% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Take Free Career Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Happy

Yeah, so what? I'm happy. I've been happy for awhile.

Things are good. Friendships are great. I am going to miss my friends so much this summer, everyone. Especially the Midnight Movie gang and Colin. Especially the "real" people.

I am working as a nanny this summer for a family of two kids although I'll mainly only take care of the younger one who is 14 months old. I am excited. It could potentially be boring, but I think I'll be okay. It is better than working in a bank, better than the parking booth, maybe better than the Florist but I doubt it because few things beat working with fresh and exotic flowers all day.

I have so much I want to talk about and so much I need to say but I don't know how to do it. There's so much I want to know but Patience wants me to wait.

I sold my housing contract for spring/summer. Next year my house has a porch and I am so excited to perch on the porch and have porch pizza parties. yay.

okay i am working on a final and i should really go finish it now.

<3>

i'm discontent

it's been a long time since i haven't used a song title as my blog entry title.

i'm randomly upset because of discontention. okay? i'm going home in less than two weeks. no friends. no fun. i am, however, looking forward to meeting new people. but i don't want to have to prove myself to anyone. i just want to be accepted without a fight, without an initiation.

today i saw amanda. things are going haywire with her family. i think i was supposed to see her because she told me she felt the same way. way to point out the obvious, lisa.

i'm going to be a writer and i don't think i'm good.

my band's first show was saturday night. it went really well. www.myspace.com/nananoir
check us out.

does anyone read this anymore?

if anyone still reads this, email me at lisaruef@gmail.com. thanks. i'm not sure anyone does, and if no one does, that's great. i need to vent.

tonight was so weird. sara and i hung out with patrick and his friend justin, who apparently thought it was a double date, patrick and me, sara and justin. i was in a great mood earlier because band practice had been good, i got a B on my comms test, excellent considering i studied half an hour and never did any reading for the class, and gosh it was just a good day. i've been in a really great mood all week despite an F on my physical science test yesterday and a $100 parking ticket last night. things have been great.

but i get so awkward around patrick. am i supposed to like him? people seem to think i am. and i'm not really even awkward; i'm just not comfortable yet or something. he listens to rob zombie. ROB FREAKING ZOMBIE. i am trying to be open-minded about it, but i just cannot like someone who likes Rob Zombie. i am morally against it. i feel like i am supposed to like patrick. i just can't do it. few sparks. he likes things on the bass that i loathe--weird little effects made with a pedal. i'm a purest. i need the bass and the bass only. we are too different to be compatible. i think part of it is being in a group with him. i notice i am fine when i'm alone with patrick but not in a group.

it is raining right now. praise Allah; i love the rain.

i got the new bonnie prince billy/matt sweeny album yesterday. it's rad. and thank you brady.

i've lost my passion. do you remember when i loved living so much that i loved everyone and everything and every moment of every day? i felt like that a little bit this week. i mean that was the time of my life, when i was uninhibited and didn't care about the scene and my mind was beautiful. friendships were pure and love was my drug. i don't feel that anymore really, but i want to. passion for people and exuberance for enlightenment. my spirit is dead and i want it back please.

maybe i'm not hanging with the right friends. maybe someone has taken all my love so there's nothing left for anyone else (this might be true). or maybe that person who took all my love killed it. maybe it's locked in his heart. i wish that were true, despite his selfishness. at any rate, i gave it to him and he didn't want it so now i'm second best and he can't even be my friend without freaking out. i wish we were better communicators and i hate being so perceptive.

i saw the ring two with patrick et al. don't see it. it was awful. luckily i didn't pay for it because patrick is a gentleman (was it a date?--i hope not).

provo is not real. i meet so few real people in provo. at least i've found some of them; some people long to find them but haven't found any.

this week's goal: love again. also, stay for all of church tomorrow.

star radio

A - AGE: 19-and-a-half
B - BAND LISTENING TO MOST RECENTLY: m83, the electronic tomato, my band (no name)
C - CELEBRITY CRUSH: David Bowie and John Cusack
D - DAD'S NAME: Charles
E - EASIEST PERSON(S) TO TALK TO: Celeste or Sara
F - FAVE BAND/SINGER: right now, me <3
G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS : Gummy Bears all the way
H - HOMETOWN: Walnut Creek, CA.
I - INSTRUMENT: bass, piano, vocals, guitar, sax.
K - KIDS: maybe in a few years, after i'm married
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Cali to Utah
M - MUM'S NAME: Jane
N - NUMBER OF FINGERS: ten
O - ONE WISH: equal distribution of the world's resources.
P - PHOBIA(S): the dark
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE: "I realized by using the high notes of the chords as a melodic line, and by the right harmonic progression, I could play what I heard inside me. That's when I was born." --Charlie Parker
R - REASON TO SMILE: my doggie Kimba
S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: my song, it's called "Slugger"
T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: varies daily, generally around 10 a.m. weekdays
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME : I love classic Volvos.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE : peas
W - WORST HABIT(S): finishing people's sentences when they lose their train of thought. it's a bad habit, but i generally finish them correctly because i'm FUNNY like that.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: dentist and my wrist when i thought i broke it in 5th grade.
Y - YUMMY FOOD: Bajio, Thai Chili Garden, Thai Pepper, Demae, most things that involve chopsticks
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo

Kim Gordon and The Arthur Doyle Hand Cream

i am beside myself right now. i'm going off some medicine and it's driving me crazy with side effects. i'm dizzy, i'm happy, i'm sad, i'm everywhere and nowhere all at once.

i guess you could say colin and i had a "fight" on friday. it wasn't really a fight though. anyway, he got mad at me for something HE is ashamed for. it's complex and awful and emotionally daunting. now i remember why i've avoided relationships for the past year. being single is just easier.

that being said i have no idea what to do. do i call him? do i wait for him to call me? to i act like it didn't happen? do i talk to him about my FEELINGS? do i do nothing? am i overreacting?

okay. i smell like bleach. i love that smell. the band's new name might be "the moon behind the mountain." court and i thought of it the other night and i really like it and so does she. it was one of those breakthrough moments when you cry with delight because you've discovered something so beautiful. we almost cried tears.

if i could weep right now i would, but i am otherwise too different.

i have school at 9 a.m. tomorrow. damn.

things could be worse.

moonchild

today was a good day for the most part. i had class at 9 and 10, so i went, and then i came home and took a nap. i made a sonic youth mix for barbie. then i ran errands for awhile. i went to savers and got two blouses and a jacket. one of the blouses is black with these weird leather patches on the shoulders and it has shoulder pads. the jacket is red wool with bright gold buttons on the cuffs. tres chic.

tonight i celebrated my thursday with britt and court. we went to stan's and got shakes. i miss my old friends, like perry, celeste, hannah, and bianca. i miss them. i just realized that.

my dad sent me a picture of me holding kimba when she was a few weeks old today. i look so awful in the picture, like a whale. i'm huge. i hope i don't look like that still. i'm really paranoid about it now.

i wish i were beautiful.

the band--we're not long creve coeur. we're nameless right now. one of the songs i wrote for us, it's so good now. i can't stand it. it is better than i imagined it. so in 4 practices we've learned and perfected 4 songs. that's talent right thurr.

i need to study cos i have a midterm tomorrow for newswriting, but i might just go to bed.

i hate when i have great days but the nights bum me out.

p.s. patrick and i hung out the other night and it was fun. we played bass and talked. ok goodnite.

Dirty Boots

today i spent my day doing something really weird. colin and i went up to the salt lake city cemetery to find this gravestone which reads: "Victim of the Beast 666." unfortunately, we didn't find it today, but i know it's there. sorta. we were looking for it for three hours. i have never spent that much time straight in a graveyard before. this one's spooky too; it's endless. thousands and thousands of people. i found some of my relatives there. it was a fun day.

patrick gave me his number the other day...rad? yes. he is a cool dood. i am excited to hang out with him more.

i talked to perry twice this weekend, on the phone. friday was his birthday. i miss that kid so much. he's really come into his own as a writer, as a person. he's great.

the band! my band. i wrote two songs this weekend. they're hella rad. (did i already talk about this?) our first name was isadora, but today colin thought of creve coeur, which means "broken heart" in francais. i DIG it man.

hunter s. thompson killed himself last night. rest in peace.

i would totally write more but i'm on a short, meaning i don't know what else to say really. but BYU's art scene sucks.

So uh...last night was really fun because, uh...I made out with a boy I've liked for a long time and he's liked me for a long time and uh, yeah. That's about it. But we are staying just friends, which I am happy about.

Yeah so, I play bass in a band now. We're called Isadora; it'll prob change though.

And I knit allllllllll the time. I'm working on a scarf and it's almost done.

So life is good out here in Provo. I'm having fun for the most part. I am glad I changed my major.

I might enter a dance competition at BYU. I could totally win it with my styling moves.

Yeah I don't really have anything to say. You've forgotten I'm boring.

I got a 64% on my Comms 101 test I took this morning. Yesssss.

pine box

alright so i just re-read my last entry and i made it sound like i was in love with sloan still. for the record, i am most definitely not. i just miss being in love. that's what i meant.

okay. so things are going insanely well here. i switched my major to communications (either print or broadcast journalism) and i am psyched. my comms classes are so easy. it is the right choice, i am convinced. i will still probably minor in music...either that or visual art or film or advertising design...not sure yet.

next. i am playing bass like a mo fo now. it is rad. chris entrusted his bass to me while he's in hong kong for two years. ernie ball musicman babeh. talk about a beautiful instrument.

i am getting a mullet on tuesday. a hip mullet. it is gonna be hott.

this week is the sundance film festival up in park city. i hung out up there last night but only saw rider strong (shawn on boy meets world). i talked to him though and he was tyte.

went to vegas last weekend with lamia and jessica. so much fun. just a great trip.

so i've realized lately that i judge people too much. i really do. i used to smile so much and be so happy. i don't remember why i stopped doing that; just broke the habit or something. anyway, i'm starting again and i really feel super.

i've written some songs lately. i like 'em.

anyway...i'm out. much love and peace yizzo.

burgundy baroness.

staralfur

i tried to stop taking my medicine. now i'm really depressed so i'm going to start taking it again. and i'm going to the health center and demanding an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my prescription renewed. or an appointment with a doctor or something. i just need more.

i hate this year. i hate thinking of sloan and being so in love with him. i hate knowing that i only fall in love once a year and that i've already fallen in love with someone. i hate that everytime i fall in love it's over just as fast as it started.

i just watched "when harry met sally" and that's why i'm sad. and i'm sad because i am trying not to love someone right now. and then i think about loving and being loved back and i want it so badly. i miss it.

i miss perry. i wish i could talk to him right now but i can't and that's hard to swallow.

anyway i'm sure i'll be fine tomorrow. that's how it always is.

i'm listening to the stranglers

LAST PERSON WHO.
Slept in your bed: me but i've slept in someone else's bed
Saw you cry: umm maybe colin
You shared a drink with: n/a
You went to the movies with: sara and aarean
You went to the mall with: dave dawson <3
Yelled at you: tom or colin
Sent you an email: apple
HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I Love You" and meant it?: yes.
Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah Kimba's a real toughie, and my fish Flava Flav?? Don't even get me started.
Commited Suicide: been pretty close
Cut yourself: nope...
BEEN TO.
California: of course silly
Hawaii: 3 times
Mexico: nope
China: no
Canada: no
HAVE YOU EVER:.
Danced naked: yeah like every single day of my life
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the nextday: iono
Wish you were the opposite sex: only for cool clothes
Had an imaginary friend: yeah sort of.
Do you have a crush on someone: when do i not???
What book are you reading now: "The History of the World from Constantine to Constantinople" by Eusebius
WHATS YOUR....
Worst feeling in the world: being lonely
Future son's name: Ron Jeremy
Future daughter's name: Moonbeam
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no.
What's under your bed: shoes and paper and some cement blocks and a james dean poster
Favorite sport to watch: hockey
Siblings: yes.
Location: provo utah
College plans: i'm already there
Piercings/tattoos: the normal ones on the earlobes and one on my cartillage
EXTRA STUFF.
Do you drink: water and diet coke
Who are your best friends: britt, court, celeste, marissa, chris, eric, tom, holy crap i can't count all of them!!!
What are you most scared of: falling in love
What clothes do you sleep in: shorts and t-shirt..or none
Where do you want to get married: LDS temple
Who do you really hate: no one
Been in Love: yes, a couple times
Do you drive: like Dale Earnhardt
Do you have a job: no no no
Do you like being around people: mostly
Are you for world peace: uh huh
Are you a health freak: i'm healthy but not a freak
STUFF. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: no
Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yeah.
Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: umm sorta.
Want someone you don't have right now: yeah but we're pretty close
Are you lonely right now: rarely
Song that's stuck in your head a lot: "I'll Melt With You" by Modern English
Do you want to get married: yesh
Do you want kids: four-two adopted, two of my own
FAVORITE. Room in house: bathroom--hell if i know
Type(s) of music: jazz
Band/Group(s): right now sonic youth
Color: brown
Perfume or cologne: chanel coco mademoiselle
Month: april
Stone: dirt clod
Flower: i forget what it's called but it looks like a pinecone---helicona i think
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU....
Cried: no.
Bought something: yeah a new printer which ima take back anyway
Gotten sick: only to my stomach
Sang: at the top of my lungs
Said "I love you": yes
Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes
Met someone: yes tyler he's so cute and jackie from texas
Missed someone: desperately
Hugged someone: yes
Kissed someone: only in my dreams

Gus the Mynah Bird

So uh...I'm listening to stereolab. rockin!

i have an infection in my mouth. it really hurts, ya see. i've been on a liquid diet for two days now maybe. it sucks. it won't get better even though i'm on antibiotics.

i'm going home two weeks from today for thanksgiving. yessss. i am so excited to see kimba. am i kidding? NO. i miss that pup like the dickens. whoa.

so school is really good. life is really good. everything is just really really good.

regan leaves next week on his mission. so does carl, but carl doesn't affect me as much since he lives in portland. but regan. well regan lives 15 minutes away in american fork and we are still a part of each other's lives. i am going to miss him insanely.

i feel bad since i never have anything to write. nothing worthwhile, anyway. remember last year when i would discourse forever about something? like love maybe, or friendship...

get this...eric, remember my best friend last year, eric? and remember that i was like freakin IN LOVE with him for awhile? well, last sunday we were hanging out, and he told me he was in love with me too! can you believe it? that whole time we were in love with each other but we were both too scared to do anything about it. that explains why he was so jealous when s-dawg came along. i always wondered why that was... i mean, wow. what a realization.

what else? well not much, i guess. i've decided to major in jazz. that's a new development. of course, i seem to change my major just about every two weeks, so we'll see how long this one lasts.

mainly, i'm just happy to be happy again, do you know? like i'm just grateful. that makes me happy i guess.

okay much love
<333
lisa.

Full Disclosure

So I am listening to fugazi. I haven't listened to them in hella days yo. like years. i guess i still dig 'em.

it's been raining practically nonstop for over a week now and i am totally feelin it. okay so at first i liked it because i hadn't seen rain since last fall, but then i didn't like it because i started feeling the grey skies drag. but then, then it went away for a day and i misssssssssssed it and now that it's back i'm awfully happy.

guess what i'm going to be for halloween! just guess! yay you got it! a geisha! i am going to the costume shop tomorrow to get makeup and then to the fabric store to get a red sash. i already have the kimono. yeah i'm way psyched!

this is just to say: i don't give a damn about the world series. it's great the sox are in it because i loooooooooove johnny damon--what a sexy beast!--, but that's the only reason why i like them. just to lay it out there...

so like....nothing is going down. i'm bored in provo. i'm thinking i will go to vegas next weekend to spice things up cos i'm seriously riding the wave of monotony. i'm such a talker though and probably won't go.

love of my life = matt hoiland, carl's bro. i mean what a musical genius! he can write any kind of song at the drop of a hat and has a great voice and rockin retro style and is really just a kool kat, just like carl.

i sent in my absentee ballot today. i felt so proud. teehee.

okay so i wish i had more to talk about but there's just really not much worth the time.

<3>

p.s. and my latest art piece was subconsciously reflective of how i feel about someone. it's a man and a woman in a cocoon. and see the thing is, now i'm thinking of soft grounding a leaf into a different plate and printing that on top of the cocoon plate so the leaf is almost acting like a veil, like it's hiding my feelings for this person, or maybe even preventing the relationship from developing, or something like that...you know what i mean? <3<3<3>

Hanging On A Star

The stinkiest girl I have ever smelled is sitting next to me right now. She hasn't washed her hair in at least two weeks, I'd say. I can't handle it. The smell is excruciating. I would move if there were other computers in this lab but unfortunately they're all taken. Tough it out, Lisa, you can do it.

So I really like this boy and he likes me. Yep. Maybe I'll tell more about it later.

But here's something funny. Me and this boy were just chillin last Friday, driving around and stuff, like 2:30 in the morning at this point, and all of the sudden we see a buffalo run out of the mountains right next to us! A buffalo man! It was so crazy. I freaked and we called the cops and they said, "Thanks. We've been looking for him all day..." How does a buffalo escape like that? weeeerd.

And now that girl's stench is so bad I can't handle it anymore so i'm bizzouncing.

<3

midnight train to georgia

actually utah, and i'm taking a train. that size was too big so i switched. i'm in cali right now. becky, the older sis, got married yesterday. it was really great. the reception was in our woodland backyard. tony's jazz combo played and they rocked. i sang summertime and lullaby of birdland with them. john was there and he told me he was awakened to the treasure in my throat. that is one of the biggest compliments i've ever received in my life. thanks jack passion.

so utah has been good. my classes are really happenin. international relations--i read the NYTimes everyday. then in history of creativity, well this class is just the bomb dot com because we learn about different cultures and inventions and how societies develop. then there's french. my teacher is hott--he looks like david bowie. of course there's new testament which is pretty good. i'm forgetting one. two! jazz lessons which are amazing. learning a new singing style is interesting and passion-infusing. heh heh. last but not least is my favorite class--printmaking. it's my new meaning for living.

also--regan got his mission call to puerto rico, and carl got his call to milan, italy. i am very proud of you boys!

now, my philosophical thought for the day. celeste and i were talking the other day about war, and especially iran. i finally realized why we have to have this war in iraq (which relates to iran because they are almost in war too), and that's because the people needed help and unfortunately, there are only two ways to give it to them. the first is letting them fade as a society with a tyrannical ruler, a la saddam hussein. so the people die under a horrible ruler. or we, the US, can come in and offer our support throught military action. sadly, people die with this course of action as well, and we don't see many short term results.

you see people, peace is a process. and as with many things, peace covers a wide spectrum, peace at one end and war at the opposite end. therefore, in order to achieve peace, one must have war.

maybe it's not this simple, but my conversation with celeste really opened my eyes and heart and helped me understand why we have 1,000 soldiers dead in iraq right now...

much love,
lisa

are you going to san francisco?

i'm in california right now. i'm supposed to be at byu. i had my first week of school this week and it was soooooooooo great. i am so happy to be back in provo. but now taht i'm in wc i miss provo...ironic

so i'm home because basically my parents missed me a bunch and they wanted me home for my sister's bridal showers. so i went to them and they were boring but i get to be with my dog and my fam and i went to sf tonight and ate at house of nanking best resto ever and went to chinatown and north beach and union square adn everywhere and it was just so sososos great and i went to treasure island too. i'm so tired now.

byu is great. i've met cool ppl and made cool friends and i love all my old friends. where i live is okay but ppl are snobby. school is so cool. my classes are tyte. i'm taking a printmaking class, we're doing intaglio, and a history of creativity class, international reltations, voice lessons, a bible class, french, and physical science. i am having so much fun already. i think this year is gonna be really good.

my roommates are tyte too.

i miss all my guy friends that are on missions.

provo time- 12:23 am and i am way tired. so nite nite my lovey doveys.

<3>

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one of us

my birthday's in one week. i'll be 19. all i want is an ipod, but i can't decide between the 20 and the 40 gig. please, if you have any input, feel free to share it.

one last sunday here. do i go to singles ward and kiss azn boi, or do i go to my parent's ward and see everyone? or do i squeeze them both in? or do i completely forgo my parent's ward? that is the way i'm leaning at this point...i don't really care to see anyone there...but i'm thinking i will go to two sacrament meetings, which for you non-LDS people is the most important meeting out of our three hours in church every sunday.

i am so excited to go back to provo. it's a joke. this year is going to be fun i think, and i'm excited to start it up.

saw celeste last night for the first time...she just got back from europe and i surprised her at plearn and brought her flowers. her aunts are tyte.

weirdest of all--i saw my old friend alex last night for the first time since the week i got home. it was trippy. my heart stopped beating when i saw him, like i'd been hit in the side of the head with a board but remained conscious. it's crazy how people mean so much to you at one point and vice versa but a month later you don't even give a damn. i mean really...that was probably the last time i'll ever see him. walnut creek is no home to me and i don't plan on coming back unless i really need to make money next summer--otherwise i'm off to europe to be poor and love living.

i've felt really down lately. down on myself for how i look, and what i say, and how i act, just everything. my hair is kinda purple. i really like it. but other than that it's awful. everything's awful.

my mom is putting unnecessary pressure on me to pick a birthday cake/pie/dessert, since i never get cake, but she just won't leave me alone about it. and really, it's no big deal. i like fruit, i like pie, i don't eat chocolate cake cos i think it's kinda gross. simple guidelines. pick yourself!

my bridesmaid dress came and it's really pretty. i bought new shoes but i don't like them. i bought a skirt and right after i bought it it went on sale. so i'm taking it back tomorrow.

i hate being so damn indecisive. it's my biggest flaw.

xoxo lisa

provo, here we come.

Life In A Glass House

I leave for school really soon. Like two weeks from this Thursday or something like that. We haven't decided. But it's really crazy. This was a really fast four months for the most part, which is good.

Last night I went to Brandon's. Normally I don't like seeing all those kids like Tanya Maureen Stiv Marlon etc. but last night it was actually really fun. Sean Megley was there and he still didn't remember my name. Chris Mabry was there and he wondered if I remembered him from high school (I did) and he told me I looked really good. I'm not sure if I can count that as a compliment when it comes from him. Teddybear (stiv) was really drunk and kept trying to freak with me, so I just told him he's hot cos he is. Then Danielle kept looking at me funny for like an hour or two (for those of you who don't know, Danielle is Sloan's "first" as she put it), and then she went and called someone and came back and said, "you went out with sloan huh?" and i said "yup" and then she told me how big of an asshole he was to her and to me and that i shouldn't worry about him because he's an asshole to all his girlfriend's eventually and an even bigger one after. i agreed halfheartedly. everyone has their problems and his unfortunately come out in relationships. and frankly i can tell he hurt her way worse than he hurt me since she actually talked to me about it; i am grateful for the time i had with him because i really learned what an ideal relationship is til all the bad stuff started going down...and also i am pretty much over it. it still hurts because i think it will hurt until i fall in love like that again, but in the meantime i'm having fun and meeting boys and making friends and filling up the hole with great things like catching frogs and taking walks and singing songs...not that that stuff fills the hole of a broken heart but it helps ease the mind a little bit (this was the longest run-on sentence ever)...

needless to say, i will be glad to get back to provo and leave all this junk behind me. it was really weird that she talked to me and it just made me start thinking about that stuff again and i've really been a good girl and not thought about it deeply for a long time. it's just a pity that he destroys so many girls like this. i hope he actually sits down sometime and thinks about the sadness and pain he's brought to people's lives. i mean, i'm lucky i'm a strong kid and can pull myself out, but others aren't so lucky.

but i'm done with this entry now i think. i've written a whole lot about nothing and i just don't like it.

<3<3<3>

lisa.

The Moon

So.

Utah was a blast. I was really scurred to go just because I still hold some ill feelings with second semester, but my visit was great. I was only there for two days anyway... So the first day I just shopped all day--first in Park City and then Trolley Square and then Gateway. I got some great stuff at Anthropologie. That night Regan came up from AF and we played and it was really really fun. We always have fun.

Next day I went to Provo. Met up with Joe on campus and chilled for a bit, then to lunch with Scott, then to the Wilk to meet up with me mum so of course I saw Eddie because when is he not in the Wilk so we talked and I was hardly even nervous like normal and it was fun and he's still as dreamy as before...knew it. I have a random and embarrassing story about him and my little sister. But I don't wanna share it.

So it was a whirlwind trip but it was a blast and I'm glad I went and glad I had so much fun.

And I finally got a place to live...University Avenue Condos. Very nice place, Andrea and the girls living there, plus Chad my love. So it'll be grrrrrrrrrrr8.

Iono what else to say except I looked hottt at church today and AZN boi wasn't even there and Tom and Scott and their little friend Kristy went to the Lafayette Ward today and they didn't even tell me...Not that I care because I have more fun at the Singles Ward, but I guess I'm just sad that we're not really friends even though we're supposed to be??? I'm not sure. Perhaps I feel left out because they're hanging out with someone younger than me if ya can believe it, but most of all I think I really don't care...She has just said things to me about BYU Idaho and how it's a lame school, and although I really hold no allegiance to it, the things she's said are extremely rude and pretentious and immature, just things like, "I couldn't be friends with someone from BYU Idaho since I'm so much smarter than them since I got accepted into BYU and they didn't." THE NERVE! That's such a selfish and egotistical thing to say! Of course I'm also in the wrong for not defending it, but at least I didn't say that stuff in the first place.

I've almost completely stopped cussing. I'm glad. Glad glad glad.

This is the dumbest entry EVER.

I started painting again! I think I've already talked about this. But it's so therapeutic and it's great to have a brush in my hand again and I really like my work so far.

Plus, today is the most beautiful day ever. It's sunny and the breeze is blowing and it's just beauteeful. I love it.

And I love you ;)

Love, most sincerely,

Lisa Rue

Like Foxes Through Fences

Do you ever come home at night feeling really stupid? Like maybe you did something, or didn't do something...maybe you said something that sounded super funny in your head but ended up being really rude, or maybe you kept saying you were going to talk to someone you thought was cute but never actually ended up talking to that person...

If you're anything like me you know what I'm talking about. For me it's the boy at church that I just can't seem to talk to, even though I walk by him alone four times each Sunday, or maybe you just love your best guy friend so much that the only way you know how to show him is by being mean to him and then you just fight all the time because maybe you both feel the same way or maybe you both really do hate each other...

I know there's something I can do about it. But it just hurts when I find out they all went to FHE and didn't call me even though I coulda called them first, or even when Azn boy was there they didn't call either...I mean, they know I like him even though I say I'm over him all the time...I don't really like him...

I end up acting like a big dumb baby all the time. I know where I stand on very few issues and my head feels like a rubix cube. I love him, I don't love him, I hate you, I don't hate you, we have nothing in common, we have everything in common, I'm going to talk to azn boi, I'm over azn boi...you see what i mean now huh...

Two things are for sure. I miss my friends is the first one, all of them, even the ones here in Walnut Creek since we never call each other anymore, and number two, I am talking to him this Sunday because it's not going to kill me and I'm not going to catch some horrible disease and I really can't make that bigga fool outta myself and even if I do which actually is possible knowing me I will just laugh it off like I always do because that's the type of girl I am, the I-don't-give-a-damn-what-anyone-thinks-of-me-as-long-as-I'm-happy girl. That's who I like.

It's funny that I'm only really happy like how I used to be before Sloan when I'm with him, that good ol' friend of mine, that one I fight with all the time allthetimeneverendingfightsandyellingandlove...
xoxo L

summer song

most of you don't know this, but my favourite colour is brown.
 
most of you do know this, and my most favorite person in the whole wide world is jorje buissons. j/k. most of ya'll prob don't know what that means anyway.
 
i am going to utah this week. can you believe it? i'm going just to go. it's soooooo dumb. but i guess i'm excited to see my friends who are there right now.
 
i have to go to work soon. i really don't wanna.
 
one month til i go back to school. it's crazy.
 
i made a pact with myself that i would talk to azn boi at church yesterday, and then i didn't. i had a good reason. maybe i'll tell ya later. all i know is that i don't care anymore because four weeks is not good enough to have a relationship in. short and sweet hurts like helllllllllllllllllllllll.
 
my blog entries are really dumb, aren't they?
 
i stopped drinking caffeine. sort of. i just had a coke. but i'm down to like, one or two a day, except today i might have to make it three because i haven't been sleeping at all lately.
 
my favorite song ever is called "outta reach" and it's by the band she. it's an amazing song. everyone dl it or listen to it somehow.
 
i'm going to utah!!
 
xoxo lisaloolaaleee............................mom is gone!! i miss her though...
 
and oh yeah. i got up late on saturday, like ten am, to find that my dog had been stolen! not really, she went to boot camp again, but i dint get to say goodbye and now i really really miss her. <3>

i'll stop the world i'll melt with you damnit

i can't stop won't stop don't stop the beat i c-c-c-can't control my feet....i can't stop cussin. little sissy keeps giving me the lectures bless her stinkin heart.

dad, kimba, rob, mike, kt going camping tomorrow yay! mom and me home alone. how will it go?! no one knows...it might be boring. and austin's going too.

last night i went to sf and it was sooooo fun. went to the pier and talked to jeffy, saw a dumb ol wannabe bushman (hella lame) then to chinatown and union square and through pacific heights and gg park and everywhere! it was sooooooo fun. got good stuff at chinatown asian wholesale liquidation flea market yayayayayy!

saw sloany pie pie at the rasputin's...no big deal except that i've avoided that place since i got back from school (yesterday was my first time since i've been back) and of course he's walking in as i'm walking out. he has a beard. i really like it. the irony's killing me.

three new cd's tonite..all microphones albums -- they are so chill.

i'm not making sense yo!

britt called today! and michelle! it was a wonderful day for BYU. and i got a letter from forest! yesssssssssssssssssssss

aight i'm out. it's only 11:34 but i'm so tired and i wanna go to fairfield tomorrow and see my darling michella bella.

btw i'm still in love with my asian boi michael <3<3<3 but that never changes. i obsess faster than you can say calvin klein and before you even realize i have a new obsession i'm over it. no complaints. it keeps me steady.....

love love love,
lisa

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Country lover
Your Favorite Band/Song	Le Tigre - Deceptacon
You Like To Read:	The backs of cereal boxes
You Firmly Believe In:	Nose-picking
Everyone Thinks You Are:	OMG WAY HOTT LOLZ
You Were Conceived:	Next to a fireplace
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solitaire

so my cousin's here from oregon. austin, age 14. what a whippersnapper. he's one of the coolest, funniest kids i've ever met.

me--working my arse off, as usual. spent a great day in the city yesterday for hannah's birthday. so much fun.

bad episode with the dog today....i can't stand her anymore.

going back to school in a month and a half or so. still have no place to live. still don't have my schedule figured out. damn it i just don't care, although i am getting more excited to go back and have a great year like i promised myself. i miss my friends. especially my oregon friends. <3

put bubbles in the il fornaio fountain for the first (and last) time last night with sam. soooooo fun.

went to the singles ward today for church--first time. fell in love with the only asian there. named michael. had on an amazing sweater vest.

free slurpees at 7-11 today so i'm out.......<3<3<3<3 lisa

I Ran (So Far Away)

Let's start with g-ma. she's coming home this week and she's really excited. i don't blame her. she's called john muir home for almost two months now, and frankly, i'm sick of the smell and the temperature in there. i'm excited for her.

next. went the sd/oc for the weekend. talk about a blast. here is the short version of a very long two-day trip. saturday, got to sd around 10:15 am. andrea picked me up. went to pancake house in poway with blake her bro and brittany. then to del mar to her family's house for like twenty minutes. then downtown sd for shopping and fun fun fun. san diego temple came next. amazing ice castle. y'all gotta see it. then was islands for dinner. back to del mar for half an hour or so as andrea put the final touches on forest's present. it's about 9:30 by this time. we decide to go up to brea even though we had no place to stay. ended up crashing on forest's floor in 638 s. poplar. mike was there, nick was there, lots of people were there. next morning, sunday. got up and got ready for church. cameron arrived. got to church. forest's talk was the bomb dot com. back to forest's for the big party. kicked it till about 4 with him and his fam and friends. phew. next was irvine with john garlock and 'rents and bob. then to the conneroy's seany's house for dinner. his mom's a superstar. said grace at the end of a stimulating dinner conversation. kicked it there til ten or so. baseball highlights with ted and jake. phew. then the hour and a half drive back to del mar. almost midnight now. hit the sack. then this morning...up at 7:30 to catch my 9:30 flight. boarded without a hitch.

it was the best weekend ever.

andrea's middle name isn't grace. she's doesn't even have one.

i don't have anything meaningful to say except that i love you guys and i love life damnit and i had a blast in brea which was a little disappointing i must admit but wonderful nevertheless. adam anthony is beautiful.

right now.......so tired i'm going to pass out. looked at cars tonite at the dub c toyota lot and the salesman was a dreamboat. i wanted to kiss his sweet, soft lips. but def not with mom and dad standing by.

i've been so sleep deprived these past few nights and i'm still going strong. i'm so hard.

xoxo lisa

p.s. okay normally i like weird food, but just as a warning, never ever eat at chow in lafayette because it is the worst restaurant i've ever been to after young's cafe in chinatown. PEACE.

have i told ya have i told ya

yo yo. i'm excited because i'm going to san diego/brea this weekend to see the peeps. it's gonna be tyyyyte.

nothing much is going on in l-town. i am working as usual, making the moolah. i got my hair cut and dyed a few weeks ago, but i'm really not liking it right now. it's being very disagreeable, so much so i want to chop it all off.

i think i may have finally found a place to live at school. it's this little yellow house near campus. i'd have three other roommates. it sounds like fun i think.

then comes classes. i still don't really know what i'm going to take, but i really want to take intro to women's studies so i can meet the weird chicks at BYU and maybe make some normal norcal friends. no offense ladies.

life is just good for the most part and i'm happy.

oh btw, i talked to perry last week! he's doing well but now he's in washington. he was in the airport in slc when he called me. so yeah. i miss him but he's better and getting help and that's what matters most.

much love,
miss lisa marie. xoxoxoxo

have you ever just sat and listened to a vacuum? like really listened. have you ever noticed the different hisses and whistles, and how it sputters like something's stuck, and how sometimes it's a gentle humming that could lull even the most discontented baby to sleep? it's just a barrage of white noise. almost like a shower. people sing to the vacuum just like they sing to the shower.

or do you ever remember memories that you never had at all? i'm explaining this poorly. what i mean is like, you envision yourself doing something, and it's a really great and fun time, but then you remember you're just making it up? i just did that. i'm listening to a really great mason jennings song, "beautiful man," and i could've sworn i was driving down some highway with someone singing that song with happy little smiles on our faces. but that one's not real.

i wish i were in chicago with eric and adam right now. they're poor but they're having so much fun. i mean that's really the life.

so this has been crazy lately.

i've had the stomach flu all weekend, which means my head's been in a toilet and i've slept for almost two days straight. it's been nice i guess. the fever's killing me though, and the strict diet of gatorade and soda crackers is really wearing on me.

ugh. i am tired of being home. like really.

so andrew and i went and saw mister loveless on friday. they were really good. but it was funny because obviously their whole crowd is las lomas people, and they were coming up to us asking us where they knew us from. it was weird. and sean megley didn't even remember my name and we sat next to each other in bremer's class all year last year. but sean megley, bless his heart...i'm not trippin.

why can't we all just be carefree again?

XOXO lisa

Rejoicing in the Hands

Well, we moved g-ma out of the hospital yesterday to an assissted living place, just for a couple days so she could have her round-the-clock care, get used to walking again, take care of herself...

but i just got back from visiting her there and she's not doing so hot. paralysis in her right side. her speech is slurred and she's noticeably weak and pale. seems she's had a stroke. and the idiots there just took her vital signs and said nothing was wrong. what losers. i have no medical training whatsoever and i could tell there was something really wrong with her. she wasn't the same, wasn't happy ol' gramma doing her thang, happy to be away from the awful noises of John Muir.

the ambulance is on its way to her now and she'll be at JM within the hour.

kids, she's the only thing on my mind right now, so sorry if i'm a bit distant. it's hard not being able to do anything.

so frankly the story about how my dad was going to buy me a car yesterday if i hadn't been such a pain in the arse doesn't matter right now.

good luck on finals everyone.

why can't i be you

mmhmm i <3 u robert smith, you little fatling.

santa cruz yesterday = bomb dot com. i'd write more about it but it's just not worth it. it's impossible to immortalize such a great day in words.

camping this weekend...hella tyte yo! got sooooo sunburned, blisters all over the feet cos i wore VANS (i am SUCH an idiot!!) but it was so so so so fun. total blast.

gramma is doing better...sort of. still in the hospital. she just wants to go home so badly and i hate telling her "soon g-ma soon" when it could be a month before she gets out for all i know. i just love her so much. she has been such a strength to me my whole life, and the only reason why she's not quitting now is because she wants to be around for her grandkids. heck...i can't talk about this anymore. i get worked up and emotional and it's just not worth it when i have ab no control over it anyway.

my jeep is on its way to las vegas right now. daddy decided today that he would take that car to becky since hers is such a piece and get me a new one. who knows when the hell that's going to be. and in the meantime i have to drive, you guessed it, the ghetto-ass suburban. i am TOTALLY NOT EXCITED and it's covered in dog hair. oh and get this. i told my dad that becky should get the new car for now because she's never had the new car, and then i vacuum the jeep for her before my dad leaves with it, and then becky calls me complaining about how i'm getting the new car when I WANTED HER TO HAVE IT!!! hello captain spaz.

anyway i'm out because it's back to work all day tomorrow 7 to 1:30 then 2 to 6. then test driving mini coops because i want one sooooooo bad but prob an accord or camry! then ikea for the phat sale?? maybe...i HOPE so.

xoxo lisa

p.s. life is so great. phone booth boy is hott, and yesterday in sc i saw a guy that looked like perry in ten years. righteous.
p.p.s. i am really really tired and i love tyler nelson my sweetiepoo butterbiscuit arkarkark <333333

apologizing

so....life has been very very busy.

working all day. getting home and going out with friends or crashing completely.
life is intense.

grandma's doing, well, not well. she took a turn for the worse today. that's all i really want to say about it. i kid myself into thinking i'm okay with it, but she is the last person i want to see go right now.

tyler called the other night as i was going to bed. he's going to vegas in a few weeks to see the beastie boys $2 Bill. hella tyte. i'm not huge beastie boyz fan or nuthin, but they'd be a blast to see. i love how he decides to start calling me all the time when i don't live in utah. so perfect.

okay so work was weird these past couple days. first i keep getting hit on at my morning job, like these men will drive by and say, "Finally! A beautiful woman to ease my eyes" or stupid shiznit like that. one of them actually said in a moment of pure idiocracy, "I'm captivated by your beauty." But, you know, I just smile my little half smile and look at them out of the corner of my eye and they tip me, so what if i'm a whore i don't care i'm making money babeh.

i am so out of it right now. i'm sure there's other stuff i wanted to say but i can't think straight.

i'm going camping this weekend...maybe...if i feel like to tomorrow. we'll see.

i hate my dog. she destroyed all my childhood stuffed animals. ima kill 'er.

thanks for kicking my hometeam's ass sox. i love yas <3<3<3<3 johnny damon let's run away together forever and love each other in the outfield arkarkark