I don't think I am cut out for love. Every time I start loving someone they don't love me back. Or I love them so much it hurts but they rub the pain in my face and never bandage me up like a nice person would do. Every intimate relationship I've been in has ended in me backing out due to fear of commitment. Think about it. I don't need to give examples - that would probably hurt and embarrass some people - but they're there. There is something inside of me that says I can only be friends, never more. Every time I start caring for someone as more than a friend, I back away and realize that we'd never be more than friends. Never. Because Lisa can't be more than friends.
And intimacy. I feel like such a *;ajsdfv;a* normal person. Normal. I've had a perfect life. My parents have always loved one another, my family has always supported me, my parents have most always been proud of me. I'm away at school and I'm still making all the *skdj* right choices and hanging out with a group identical to my friends at home. I've got my Celeste and my Perry, my Helen, my Bea and Hannah. Sure there are minor differences, but I have another Perry. At *djdjdh* BYU. Perrys aren't supposed to be at BYU. There are only supposed to be Sam Joneses and David Glenns...no Perrys.
But intimacy. I honestly feel like I have nothing to open up about. My life has been 99% perfect. A+ perfect. What do I have to show for it though? Not much more than a bleeding heart and hollowness. I have no major problems that have affected me my whole life, at least nothing I haven't come to terms with. I guess that's one good thing about being away from home: I've conquered and overcome my main source of depression in life. But if you ask me one thing I'm sad about, I can only say that I'm not sad. I am a lover, a protector, an unconditional friend. Because even if you flake on me 20 times I will still be your friend. That's rather pathetic. Truth is therefore pathetic. But there is something inside of me that makes me love unconditionally. And I will love anyone. Anyone at all. Loving is my best hobby I guess.
I love no one more than the next. I love strangers just as much as I love my sisters. I love Simon just as much as I love Garfunkel. Chances are I love you too.
Papa's favorite poem was this little ditty called "Press On." I don't remember how it goes, but I guess the title itself relays the overall message effectively enough. Press On. Press On. Press On.
Sometimes I think that maybe I can talk to dead people. Like spirits. And they will come right next to me, or at least tune into my voice from whatever cloud they're on, and they will listen to me talk to them. I say things like "I miss you" and "How is heaven?" and I tell them what life is like. It's like April and her balloons, may God bless her soul.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know why I'm writing. I just know that I love you Eric more than anything too. And I love Perry and I want you to come home safe and sober. And I love you all. That's one of the only things I know for sure. I just love you all and I will do anything for you and I will die for you if you really really need me to.
No simple man ever wrote anything worth reading.

Eye

So I just wrote this to Britt but I'm going to say it again. when i read the lyrics to "stand inside your love" i wonder who billy was in love with when he wrote that song, where the emotion behind it came from. because that's some strong stuff you know. it came from deep within his sorry lonely heart, it came from a yearning to be loved as much as he loves. But billy, forget your longing. i love you.
okay that was freaky.
but tonight was fun because i went on a "random spontaneous outing" to savers with britt, dave and eric. fun times. ::sigh:: i found a grey members only jacket that i was SO going to buy for only seven dollars to resell at home for ten, but i passed up the chance. that's okay. i bought a fun retro authentic retro bag, kind of like the ones puma makes now but mine is actually from the 70s. well it looks like it is. the three layers of grime on it say it is. i am listening to SP right now. i haven't listened to them in a while. that's probably why i got sick - my body was going through SP withdrawl.
so the thing is: i am deathly tired, but i have a rough draft of a my research paper due tomorrow. i really don't want to do it, but it is worth points, and doing it will at least have me one step closer to completing the paper.
i think maybe i love people too much sometimes. i love perry too much, but he needs to be loved too much because he's not loved enough. wow. that's a depressing thought.
sometimes i am too good of a friend. i did tom's research for his bio poster, and some of forest's too. but that's okay. i got a good laugh considering neither of them know how to conduct a search.
but right now i'm working on a research paper of how the Walt Disney Company is trying to take over the world. it's going well so far, considering the fact i started on it an hour ago and the rough draft (it's a 10 page paper, mind you) is due 8 am tomorrow morning. groovy baby. or kitschy, as sean and jack would say. fun times. love to all, must work for real now.

A Newfound Comfort

Wow. I am sick right now - viral infection in my lungs. But things are great. Halloween was a blast. I just chilled with Eric, Britt, Dave, Hugh, and Sam. Sam I just met last night, he's a friend of Hugh's, but I of course have known Eric, Britt and Dave much longer. I am slowly forgetting Eddie. Sure, he is devastatingly gorgeous, but my interests and admirations have shifted as of late. Didn't come home til 6 in the morning. When Eric dropped me off at HH around 5:15 or so, my friend Brent and his friend Steven were outside throwing snowballs. They were going to Del Taco and said "COME!" so I did. And it was fun. So I got to bed around 6:15 and got up about 1. Spent the day in the library. Went to a Student Composer Showcase with Forest and laughed my head off. Then saw the original "Frankenstein" with Jessica from down the hall. She's great. I like her a lot - way cool gal. Eric called and off to his friend's apartment which was so much fun. They are way cool kids. Just sat around their fireplace, drank cider, played guitar and sang, talked, joked, laughed. Eric's parents called my cell trying to reach Eric. That was trippy. Tonight was a good night. A really random, spontaneous, fun night. I'm loving the band Tortoise right now too. Def check them out if you're into the instrumental indie thing. Coming home in less than two weeks = 12 days. Way excited. Best weekend ever with my sibs and pup and best friends that are home :) Miss you all. Love you more <3.

Adelaide's Lament

You see, I have la grippe. La Post Nasal Drip. I have ::dunh dunh dunh!!:: a cold. Major chest congestion, coughing like a banshee screech. And now I'm going over to Nate's to "jam." Really tired though. Ate lunch with Eddie today, his royal hottness. He is amazing. Today was a good day. Now I am sick and it's not so good, but I think things will be better by the time the night's over. So I'm going over to Kathryn's right now to take a swig of Robitussen, then I'm gonna write a little paper, then I'm going to Nate's, then I'm...gonna pine over Eddie. Then, uh, nil. Love my kids. WAIT!! I'm coming home in two weeks to stay with my sibs while my 'rents are in New Orleans!

Someone is Waiting

Long talk with mom tonight. Talking to Maggie now. I miss these people. Email from Helen my lovely. School is so busy. I have two essays and a midterm due tomorrow. I need to study; I don't know why I'm online when I should be studying or writing or something worthwhile. I guess I can study during classes though; heaven knows Music 101 is a waste of time since I already know everything we learn anyway. Eddie is beautiful. Saw him today in the Wilk eating with Brandon. I was with Eric. Then I saw him again as I sat with BJEmm and Regan before 2 pm class. Wow. He is beautiful. Eddie defines beautiful. I love you all back in CA - you are my first and golden friends. I miss you all and bless you with my undying love <3 My life in the morning sun, my life in a speeding car, it's too much to lose. My life to you...---Zwan

The Go In The Go For It

So writing this entry for Forest since he told me he thinks my blog is hilarious. Things have been so freakin great lately, except for the fact I'm an AIM junkie and can't stop talking to stoopid peeple. STOOPID! Must stop communicating. Must do homework. YEEEEAh that's a joke. So Nate just called to chizill. Jennie, girl, you're so right. We get along like salt and pepper. Living in a house next year with my kids: Britt, Jennie, Kathryn (aka Mary Kathryn Gallagher best SNL character ever). SOOO excited. Phat parties. Stuffed bear head on the wall. Indie rock extravaganzas. Police intervention necessary. So excited. Excitement doesn't even contain my emotions, right Kathryn? Eddie ate right behind me, Kathryn, Hayley and Keelie in the Cannon Center tonight. Talked for a bit about BTS, upcoming shows galore. Modest Mouse eep! Waved our signature sexy waves goodbye and he flipped his intoxicating hair as he walked out. I just drooled and prob looked like an idiot. But wow. I mean like W.O.W. he is a DREAMboat. Yikes. So going back to my hw now...heh heh...I swear by friendster and myspace. so great. met so many cool peeps already. yeah. starting a band but we'll talk about that later. hw and sleep beckon and i can't have both.

And another thing...

TALKED TO MY DAD TONIGHT AND WE MIGHT BE GOING TO SEE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL!!!! THAT'S FRICKIN SIMON AND GARFUNKEL BAY-BEE!!!!!!!! I'LL KEEP Y'ALL POSTED ON THE GOINGS ON!! :) PURE BLISS

Make Me Change My Mind

Went to Salt Lake City with Jessie, Kristy, and Eric tonight. Had an utter BLAST. Went to the Pink Floyd show at the Planetarium, which rocked the house. I'm so going again next week after the Built to Spill show. Man, that thing was INTENSE. So like I said before, Eric and I really bonded today, and we bonded even more tonight. I felt kinda bad for Jessie cuz they're freakin together, but the fact is (and Eric says this, not me) they have nothing in common. She's a pop punker; he thinks of her as a poser...so I dunno what's going on with that. It's sad. Wow, that show rocked. Eddie is so hott too. Ummm, I need to go to bed, yeah.

Proceed With Caution

Had lunch with Eddie today. Turns out he's 25 years old. 25 kids, 25. That means that he was a freshman at BYU when I was a little fledgling 6th grader. He started school here in 1996. I was 11. ELEVEN. Wow. But okay, he's still hott so it doesn't really matter to me ;)
School was great today. Slept through Music 101. Chilled with Eric for four hours. Seeing Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon Laser Show in SLC tonight with him and some other peeps. Gonna be rockin. GTG now. Love y'all. Love Eddie and Billy. LOVE PEACE FREAKIN HIPPIE.

I'm Going Out of My Way

Saw Cursive, The Blood Brothers, and Criteria last night. Awesome show. Made new friends. Macked on Eddie. Okay okay, so I didn't do that last thing, but heaven knows I wanted to :) His royal hottness. Anyway, the show kicked. Much different scene here in Utah. Saturday is a local show of indie, next Thursday is Papa M (which I'm probably forgoing to see Bishop Packer), Friday is Built to Spill, and Saturday is Thursday, Thrice, and Coheed and Cambria. Sweeeet. My bio TA Bracken loves music. He was at the Death Cab show with his wife -- how cute! She is apparently a huge Coheed fan so he said she'd be at Bricks for that too...so funny. "We've gotta talk about shows sometime," he said. For sure Bracken, as long as it helps out my grade a little bit... Mmmm, I have only been up for 13 hours but I'm really tired. And I went to my Music 101 teacher's clarinet duo performance tonight and slept through the first half. But he rocked. Mmmm, I have more HW to do before bed. UMMM...yeah. I'll just be taking that stapler now....(SORRY! JUST watched OFFICE space YESTERDAY and HAVE all THE dialogue STREAMING through MY head!!!!)

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

I just put four loads of laundry in the wash...and I forgot my favorite jeans, which I happen to be wearing right now...Hmmm - is it worth $ .75 to wash them? Urg, yeah it is... :(

A Cloak of Elvenkind

Wow. I feel like I haven't written in this forever. So Saturday night I tried to sell out and go to the Moneen/Saves the Day/Taking Back Sunday show. I went, it was just sold out, so my friend Britt scalped her ticket and we just wandered around Salt Lake City until our other friends got out of the show. But it was awesome - we had a great time and got to explore the city at our own free will. Everything is surprisingly close together in the downtown area, like definitely within walking distance. Plus, the bus system is alright in the downtown area so you can pretty much get anywhere you need to go. So this week Cursive is playing Wednesday night, then Minus the Bear Thursday night, then Electoral College (a local indie band) is playing Saturday night. Wee! So many shows! Next week I'm going to Papa M Thursday, Built to Spill Friday, and Coheed and Cambria/Thrice/Thursday Saturday night! Alright, so I'm majorly selling out with that show, but C and C is good, so's Thursday. And that's the scene here too. We'll just see if I wanna spend the money when it comes right down to it though. So far, I only have tix to Coheed...
But things are good here. I go through random bouts of homesickness. Perry is still messed up. It is difficult being so far away from him; I feel like I can't help him as effectively as if I were still in WC.
Now I might not be seeing Papa M either because Bishop Packer from my home ward is coming out to see all us Lafayette Ward kids and take us out for pizza at the Brick Oven, the second best pizza place in town. Ha! So I've never had it - I just know Pizza Pipeline is tough competition. Alright, I need to go do laundry.

Heart Cooks Brain

Wow. Lots has happened lately. Arnold is Governor...that's a little weird. Soulseek isn't working and I'm pissed. Regan and I keep fighting about music, so we decided last night that we're going to make each other a mix of our own music; therefore, we can better understand one another's musical tastes. Should be interesting. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to put on it. For example, he knows The Smashing Pumpkins are my favorite, so if he already knows this should I put any on? Yeah, I guess I should because it's supposed to be a mix of my favorite music. He might have to sketch me today. Last night I was up at his hall and there was a band on his floor playing Metallica and S.P. It was great. They played "Zero" and that's one of my fav SP songs. So fun. They played it a little wrong, but that's okay; it was just fun singing with a band again. Crap. What am I going to put on the mix? This is way hard. WAY HARD. I am totally feeling the Modest Mouse vibe, but I have so much of their stuff that I couldn't even begin to decide what song to put on it. WOW. This is going to take me a long time. But whatev. I'm seeing Papa M in Salt Lake on the 23rd!!! PAJO YOU ROCK!

Disarm

I am sad right now. I am listening to live Smashing Pumpkins right now. I assure you, those two are not correlated. But I did lose/misplace my "Dawn to Dusk" so I'm quite depressed. Eric said he'd burn me a new one but he hasn't yet. Yeah, I had a lot of stuff to write about tonight, but I'm too tired to now. The flow just wouldn't be right. I'll write about it later. Go Arnold...CA's going to hell.

Suspect Fled the Scene

Has anyone ever noticed that the titles of my blog entries generally having nothing to do with the entry substance? Yes, I've noticed that as well. You see, I used to attempt to correlate the substance with a song title; however, I've since grown rather lazy and abandoned that practice. I'm listening to Pedro the Lion right now..."The Longer I Lay Here." Such an exquisite song. This one person keeps harrassing me online as well. If you know who you are, please stop. If you think it's you, ask me and I'll tell you if it's you or not....BUT - things are good. I finally feel acclimated to the Utah "scene." I yearn for my Bay Area quite intensely though. I have a biology test this week that I really should study for, really should, but I haven't had a blog entry of worth for a while. I am eating a Nerds milkshake right now; it's quite tasty. I think I'll go practice my vocal music actually. Lessons tomorrow, you know... :/

The Sound of Settling

Andrea Grace is the best ever.

Translanticism

Perry makes me cry more than anyone. I just got off the phone with him; he's sitting drunk outside of who-knows-where. I just care about him too much. Tears pushing, forcing, fighting their way out from the wells of my eyes. Got my new favorite Death Cab song playing too, that doesn't help. I really don't know what to say about him. He's dropping out of high school. He's drunk right now. Drinking a 40 and a third of the way done. Make me stop loving you, Perry. Do something so awful I'll never want to see you again. "I need you so much closer," sighs Ben Gibbard. "I'm seeing you in November, I PROMise," Perry says. Still feels bad about last weekend, how I was home and he flaked. How Kevin flaked. "I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer..."

Stop crying now, Lisa.

Give Me a Moment

Ask me what I did tonight and I will tell you. Two hour traffic jams, 90s and 80s B-hits, and Amish Elvis lookalikes rock my world.

lisaloo92: yeah, i had lots of fun tonight
Bjemmett83: word!!
lisaloo92: haha - even in the traffic jam???
lisaloo92: WITH ELVIS!!!
Bjemmett83: hahahahaha
Bjemmett83: i can't believe that
Bjemmett83: so awesome!!!
Bjemmett83: and the lion king sing a long
lisaloo92: HAHAHA! elton would've been proud

That pretty much sums it up....well, sort of.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Perry Gone?

Perry, why dost thou cause me so much heartache? Go home. Just GO HOME. Oh my gosh. So today I chizilled with Tom for almost twelve straight hours-- 2 pm until 1 am. Rock on - ha! I love Tom - he is my bestest friend ever. I need to go to bed though, so tomorrow or when I have time I'll wrizzite all the details. I GOT AN A ON MY GRAMMAR TEST TODAY _ BLEH!

Puis qu'en oubli

I really need to go to bed, but Regan and I just got in a huge fight online. It rocked. Turns out he thinks I'm a jerk for being too opinionated and voicing my opinions all the time, that maybe he's a leeeetle bit intimidated by me, stuff like that. It was really intense. It showed me a lot about myself though. I love introspection. I am way excited. We just had our first big fight! Now our friendship is at the next level. This is good. I really need to go to bed. I finished my English paper today and turned it in. That's a nice load off my back. Then I got a 5 out of 5 on my Bio quiz too! This girl Courtney is in Chorale with me and she's WAY cool, so we went to Tom's ultimate frisbee game. That was fun too. She's a junior but she's uber cool! And my friends Eric and Jessie- they're cool too. We played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the arcade in the Wilk the other day; it was so rockin. I am listening to opera right now - SO emotional, so beautiful. I LOVE IT! MY BILLY ICON IS NOT SCARY!! I love him. I miss my dog, I miss the Bay Area, I miss my friends. I love you all though, I sincerely do.