and i'm pissed because my dad keeps taking my car to run stupid errands, and using my gas which is not cheap i might add, and bringing my fatty dog that i love so much with him so now my poor jeep smells like dog and has her fur all over it.

could life get worse?

(ummm babycakes you're being a real jackass to me right now and you won't even tell me why)

Another Lonely Day

Today was a weird day. Woke up still really sick so I called in sick to work but had to go in for a few hours anyway. That sucked. But I got to go home and lay around, so that rocked.

Then I went to the florist and worked. That was good because I made my first tips ever...six dollars total. Won't buy me much, but any tip is appreciated.

Supposed to get off at six, didn't get off til seven thirty. Not bummed because time flew by.

Got home. My grandma, my nice grandma, the one that winks at you and sparkles her eyes instead of saying "Hello" or "I love you," the one that gives you Nillas in a ziplock bag with one for the road, the one who wrapped your presents so tightly and perfectly at holidays you didn't want to open them even though you knew something so magical and marvelous was just under that millimeter's width of paper...that grandma...went into the hospital today. She might have stomach cancer. She might die.

My grandpa died four years ago this September, and Grandma's been telling her friends that she would live for four years after his death and that was it. Four years is four months away.

So I'm trying not to get down about it, because after all, she's lived one unbeatable life. But she is my grandma, and she loves me and I love her, and talking to her and visiting with her last Thursday, bringing her roses, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not because she's boring or because I don't like being with her. Because she could hardly form a sentence, and she's so thin her skin seems transparent. Because she doesn't eat and can't walk and is too weak to get up. Because that gem in her eye is fainter than I've ever seen it, and I'm just not ready to see my grandma go.

But at least she'd be happy, you know?

I Only Have Eyes For You

Today was a good day, I guess.

I've been really sick so I slept in late, woke up late and spent my day in bed watching the '80s movie marathon on AMC. "Satisfaction," "Lucas," "The Breakfast Club," and "Sixteen Candles." So all in all it was a very lazy day, but I haven't had one of those in a long time. I deserved it.

Work is taking its toll already. I'm working ten and a half hours almost every day. Six and a half with the parking and four or more with the florist. So the parking job rocked at first because I could just read all day, but I'm growing bored of it. Two more weeks, sure, but I really don't think I can make it. Plus it starts at 7 freakin' AM every morning, and seeing as how I could barely make it to 2 PM class on time at school, 7 AM is quite the crisis. Now the florist--best job ever. Mary Fu came in and applied the other day and barely even talked to me, not that I give a darn but really Mary, you were rude.

Tyler, let's run away together right now. I am just so in love with you sometimes. I have never met anyone I can sing Frank Sinatra with in class, in the car, and on the phone. You are just too much for me to handle I love you so much.

I miss you Richard Perry.

Last but not least, Pipkin called me tonight and for those of you who don't know Pip which is most of you, he is the sweetest, kindest, cuddliest old bear on the planet and i love him and miss him dearly. he is a friend from school and i could just be happy with him and his happy little chuckle forever.

paaaaaace out lovers.

xoxo LLLLIIIISSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

you can dance if you want toooooooooooo

i just listened to the worst cover ever thank you.....melvins covering smells like teen spirit. hollah--please, the melvins are a semi-respectable grunge band and here they are making fools of themselves covering one of the most uncoverable songs of all time. BiG mIsTaKe.

i wanna go for a walk on my favorite huck finn trail. i will take you all sometime on a glorious walk through tilden park on the best trail ever. it is full of surprises like chocolate wood and rare flowers of grandeur and beautiful green leaves. teehee.

let me take a minute to brag about how much money i made in one week. 600 dollars. yep, that's right. in one week i made 600 dollars. i really can't tell you how i did it--it was very very lucky--but that's about one-eighth of the money i need for skool next year.

have i mentioned i still don't have a place to live next year? do i wanna go back to the pro? no, no, i don't. that's the hard part. i am so wishwashy on that one. don't wanna go back, don't wanna stay here, don't wanna do anything really 'cept lay on the beach and get a sunburn and tell kate the roommate that i miss her and walk barefoot through the street singing songs and dancing to men at work in my head.

i am starting work tomorrow at the parking place. as far as i know i'm getting paid 8 lame dollars an hour (what the junk yo?!) so frankly that job won't be lasting too long unless they supply a little mo' cash money.

i watched better off dead yesterday. lisa marie cusack. lisa ruefenacht cusack. lisa cusack. i don't like it. i love john cusack. i knew a guy at school (scott) from oregon who looked exactly like john cusack, so of course i crushed on him all year.

i need something to obsess over for a while. obsessing over a guy is out because there are no boyz i like here, bummer, except for my boy chris but that could get a little weird considering our parents are good friends and we are good friends.......none of that. suggestions are welcome peeps.

and a word to the wise--christina i shoulda come to santa cruz last night even though i was so wiped out...it woulda been "good times" or "a ball" or "a night to remember" or "a memory that lasted lifetimes."

this entry is really fake.

Break Me Gently

Name: Lisa Ruefenacht
Favorite color: brown
Favorite city: Frisco
Favorite food: tofu pad si iu
Favorite video game: TMNT
Favorite band: currently manitoba, tomorrow the doves, thursday the jasmine minks
Favorite pasttime: taking walks with friends
Favorite memory: ------- don't wanna talk about it, it hurts too much yo
Favorite season: indifferent but i hate snow

Have I mentioned i might work in sf? way excited. too excited.

tyler called tonight, just to talk.

he left a voice mail because i was downstairs and didn't hear my phone.

i didn't call back.

he is a funny guy.

tyler!

bedtime for me. i am sleepy.

<3

bless your heart perry richard. i miss you.

Blue Monday

Today was a Blue Monday, and very boring.

I am very sick of being here. Three weeks (almost) and I am not doing well.

Perry is gone and he took half my sanity with him. Phew.

I worked as a driver for Lafayette Florist over the weekend and I got really lost on one of my deliveries and ended up meeting the Purple People. THE PURPLE PEOPLE!!! I was so freaked out. They have a little security shack at the front of their house and one of the purple people is always inside it with their airsoft gun ready to attack any intruders. Luckily, they took pity on me and helped me rather than barrage me with pellets. But really, it was one of the freakiest experiences of my life. PURPLE PEOPLE! URBAN LEGENDS! SAME BAT TIME SAME BAT CHANNEL!

I love dancing in the car.

I am so excited. I am still homeless for next year at BYU. That would just be tyte if I lived on the street.

Becky is getting married. September 25th. Whoa. I am a bridesmaid and we are wearing celadon dresses. They're pretty cute actually. Celadon is a pale green color. Our flowers will be light pink. See, these colors actually go well with me.

South Beach diet sucks yo, even though you get to eat cheese and I love cheese. And you eat healthy food and it makes you feel good and not so lazy. Mozarella, swiss, camembert, brie, wine goat cheese, gouda, dood i just found some of kimba's hair on my keyboard. that thing is psycho man.

alright alright. i believe in a thing called love. GUITAR!

xoxo lisa

You're So Electronic

Yeah! GO MISTER LOVELESS!! xoxo to robbie

today was a great day.

perry got sent away last night. i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. my heart just ached all day, but it was a great day still because i went to work and got some great jobs (i will tell you about them in a sec) and saw the stills with celeste at raspy's in berkeley for fun (i don't really like them that much, you see, but it was free so why not?). my heart just aches a lot for perry but it was nice to be busy and forget about it a little bit. a little bit. just a little bit. i miss him like crazy yo.

my jobs! first job: valet in oakland. yeeeah. just random enough i can handle it, my mom says. my interview is tomorrow in oakland. i'm psyched. job number two: data entry for this marketing company in SF. 12 dollars an hour. temporary position, only for the rest of the week, but dood. 12 an hour?! i will be rolling. job number three: house sitting next weekend. that will be a couple hundred i'm sure. whoa. like life is really really awesome right now.

the highlights? nick is coming to visit me!! other highlights: my parents think i do drugs! hahaha!! another highlight: becky found a wedding dress today. i'm sure it is beautiful.

there were a lot of stupid people at coachella. there was this one really really stupid girl wearing pixie wings and a tutu, probably for the pixies, but dang she was LAME. LAAAAAAAAAAME. there were other stupid people too; read yesterday's entry for a bit of it.

so okay. i am going to go to bed soon, i hope, after i read my book a little bit more. DaVe EgGeRs is AWESOME.

xoxo lisa.

p.s. i am lucky. just really lucky to be this happy right now.

You Make It Easy

Alright. I am so so tired, but I need to kick out this blog entry with a short rundown of Coachella. I'm afraid I'll forget.

Best bands I saw: The Cure, Broken Social Scene, AIR---The Cure for obvious reasons. They played over two hours. "Pictures of You," my personal fav, The Lovecats, Just Like Heaven, Love Song, Fascination Street, Boys Dont Cry, Why Cant I Be You, okay okay so i cant even name all the song because they were just that good. BSS--I cried. No joke. One of the guitarists proposed to his gf during the set. Really cute. They were just really good. Full of energy, full of love. Everyone was dancing, crying, loving. Loved it. Love them. AIR---I got the last AIR shirt! This guy next to me was really nice and let me have it instead of buying it himself. THANKS I LOVE YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE! Kelly Watch the Stars, Venus, Cherry Blossom Girl, Sexy Boy, etc etc. They had a nice even blend from all their albums I'd say.

Biggest letdown: The Pixies. Kim Deal was having the time of her life up there, but Frank Black looked like it was the least important thing to him on earth at that moment. It was really tough to watch. I mean, they sounded great, of course, but they were so boring! SO BORING! The Pixies! They're legends for crying out loud! I almost hate saying it, but i didn't even mind leaving their set early to watch the rapture. they were just that boring.

Okay, I'm really sick of writing about this.

Bands I saw that were GOOD(and I think i'll leave it at that. if you have any questions about specifics, just ask me):
- Radiohead
- the Sounds
- the Rapture
- Kraftwerk
- Junior Senior
- Broken Social Scene
- the Cure
- AIR
- Belle and Sebastian
- !!!
Bands that were okay
- the Thrills
- the Stills
- Trail of the Dead
- the Pixies
- Muse
- Section Quartet (really boring)
Bands that were awful
- Electric Six
- Thursday
- Flaming Lips
- Death Cab for Cutie
- Howie Day
- DIOS
- Sahara Hotnights
- Phantom Planet

And so many funny things too! Haha! Elephant girl with the favorite band Elefant, high five boy, the Whale Woman, etc., etc. Man, good times.

Wow. Something major just happened. Perry got sent away again. Right after Coachella. At least we got to go, at least we had such a great time. He just called from the hotel. He's going to be okay, God bless him.

Now I'm really out. Going to bed. Rather, I'm going to lay in bed sobbing, crying, thinking. I always cry more when I'm tired.

Closing Time

I opened this window thinking I'd write something really insightful and meaningful, but really. The only thing I have to say is I am happy. Genuinely happy. For the first time in a very very very long long time.

I've fought with my parents so much this week. We just seem to fight all the time. It's crazy. But tonight I realized life's just too short to fight all the time. They could die tomorrow, for all I know.

My parents hate one of my best friends. I don't care. Life's too short to care about that. My ditching this best friend could possibly send them into a spiral of depression or suicide. So that's drastic, but really, nothing is too far-fetched these days. Life's too short to let others destroy your love for friends, family, strangers, anyone.

I went to Santa Cruz today and had the best day I've had in a long time. I saw my friends. I breathed the fresh air. I had a great day and helped other people have a great day too. I helped a best friend and his mom clear up some issues.

I talked to an old friend about life. He really made me realize that life is just too short. Too short to let my parents bother me, too short to let love consume me, too short to let unresolved things stay unresolved...

I closed a chapter of my life tonight.

I haven't felt this good in a long time.

BYU...four months. We're going to make it a great year.

Coachella...two days. Nick my love, I will see you there.

Hahahaha. No joke. I am laughing out loud for no reason. Right now.

I love you.

Love,
Lisa.

As Time Goes By

Yeeah. Walnut Creek. Yay. Not so much. I feel really awkward here. Alex and I had burritos on Friday; that was fun. That night I went to a recital for Emily and we went to Fenton's after and kicked it in Berkeley for a bit. That was fun too. Yesterday I went to SF with the fam. Fort Point, Golden Gate, House of Nanking for the best Chinese food in the world, and imagine my surprise when Mr. Sean Conroy calls and says he's in SF. Crazy. So we met up and went to Haight. I haven't been there since winter break so it was tyte. So many people there though. It was intense. So we got lost on the Muni too. Well, not really lost, but Sean wanted to take the J back to Powell instead of the N, so we did, and then we realized the J wasn't going back to Powell when we finally got to the end of the line and the conductor guy told us we had to get off..umm yeah. It was an adventure though.

Sean got a white Members Only jacket with a gun on it at The Wasteland!!! Wow!!! Very styling. Snazzy. OuT oF cOnTrOl!!!!

Got home from SF around 9:30, then Celeste my darling called. So I got in a HUGE fight with my parents, once again, over whether I could go out. You see, my room was covered in all my clothes that I brought home because I just decided to dump out my ten suitcases on the floor so I could at least get the suitcases out of the way. Good idea, yeah? No. I've been wading through a sea of clothes for the past 3 days. They told me I could go out again if I got the clothes hung up because I promised them that morning that I would before the day was over, so I frantically run through the house looking for hangers. I used all the ones I found and told my parents I could do no more. My dad just looked at me and said, "Get your room clean," even when I'd done all I could. What the junk?! Anyway, we went out a little bit later, Mel's (yay!) and then Perry called so we went over to his house and kicked it for a bit with he and Rob. Then we decided to find a party so we went to the pub, but the band was so bad we left. Then I called a Sean but the party he was at was a birthday party so that sucked. The night was a bit of a bust, but we all still had fun.

And today. I woke up early this morning with an awful stomachache, so I got up and...you guessed it...threw up. I've been sleeping since. Missed church which isn't so sad but I want to see people there and I won't be there next week either because of Coachella. Oh well I guess. I can go two more weeks.

I love Frank Sinatra. He really is great.

This is the most boring blog entry of all time. Like I'm bored writing it. Life is at a bit of a standstill right now. I'm just home from school, no job yet, no real purpose in being here. And I'm kind of hungry but I really don't want to eat and throw up again. And my room is really really hot right now. And all my family's coming over tonight for dinner to see Becky and Brandon. Yeeeeah. This is what I'd like to call HELL ON EARTH; however, hell on earth is mildly entertaining, mostly because it shows me how not to be when I have in-laws and all that. I am not looking forward to it.

A n y w a y, Ima go take a bath or something lazy. Aight......peace.

xoxo Lisa

p.s. i am more excited for coachella now. bling bling.

I'll Be There

My comp's still on Provo time.

I'm back in cali--9 hours--already been lectured twice. twice in nine hours. that's got to be mental abuse or something. can i sue? not yet. let's wait another half hour. i'm delirious. soooo tired. WAIT WAIT!!!!!!!! LECTURE NUMBER THREE JUST WENT DOWN!!! THREE LECTURES IN NINE HOURS...........no way. I can die now. I can honestly die happy.

Anyway...home is rough already. I had plans with perry the slugger tonight and jeffie the ballah and sorry dad i forgot to tell ya but you know what i'm used to just being able to get up off my arse and do whatever i want without telling the 'rents or the roomie or whoever about where i'm going and when i'll be back. my mom told me 1 am curfew. 1 frickin' am. that's nothing. a weekend curfew of 1 am is before i'd come home most weeknights. some weekends i wouldn't even GO OUT til 1 am. who are they kidding?

i miss provo. i miss my friends. i miss seeing the familiar faces. i miss the feeling. i miss utah. holy crap i just said i miss utah. well.......i do. i love my friends here and i'm so happy to see you guys you don't even know, but frankly i'm so used to life without you i'm going through shock being with you.

being away just kicks. i dont have to deal with my problems back here so much more. i've been able to bury so many things and being back just digs up the graves. but i'll deal. it's all i can do at this point.

Coachella. One week. i'm not excited. i think something's wrong with me. or maybe it's that it still feels surreal. who cares.

do i write about things no one cares about on here? do people enjoy this? does someone i dont know read this, because if there is someone i dont know who reads this, that's totally cool, you should talk to me. AIM- lisaloo92. i can't believe i just put my aim in there. i might as well have put my celli in there too. SALE FONE. hollah wanna be a ballah rock and roll stallah. alright alright alright alright alrihgt alirhgtihalihiej; omg i'm going crazy. i want to go to bed but i cant. i never sleep anymore. last week i was sleeping 11 hours a night, now i'm sleeping 3 tops.

okay my day. let's talk about sumthing now. my day. got up, dressing routine, airport, flight home, perry called and made me smile and laugh, home, went and saw perry and accidentally someone else, picked up robo from skool, home, missed some calls, went test driving with mom and becky (might get a scion pimp dawg!), robo from sax lessons, home, dinner with fam, kicked it with perry and jeff, went for a drive, now i'm home tlaking on the phone listening to a drone i'm rhyming make me stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.

hannah i will come to sc soon i promise!

this is a long entry but i'm bored and i could really care less.

for a long time i didn't write about certain things on this blog in great detail because it is rather public, but really, what do i care? i'm so open if you asked me about things i'd tell you anyway. this whole semester things with sloan have been bugging me. obviously, we broke up. while i was in utah this was fine because a relationship was a bit impossible and undeniably pointless considering the distance. but now i'm home. i dont know what i want to do about it. if i even want to do something about it. fact is, we cant and wont get back together. in an ideal world i guess we would but in an ideal world we wouldn't have any challenges so there you go. i dont want to get back together frankly. it was great while it lasted those whole two weeks of winter break but really...who are we kidding. the thing is: i dont know why i'm still so torn about it. we dont talk anymore really, i doubt we'll ever be friends at this point ( i saw him walking today out by EMP and my heart flipped out--i dont know why i do this either), i have no idea how he feels, does he want to be friends? does he want to know how i'm doing anymore? does he still care about me because hell i care about him. the whole deal just bothers me and i can't figure out why despite my efforts to. lack of closure perhaps, or the ambiguous future surrounding it, or both. i will be honest. sometimes i want to talk to him so badly. like something great will happen and i just want to tell him and only him because he was one of my best friends and i know that he will appreciate the story or whatever it is i want to tell him more than anyone else. but then i smile and sigh and remember "oh yeah. sloan hates you now" or whatever.

all i know is that i've found a great deal of self-control lately, and i've been able to overcome a lot of thoughts and emotions in the last little while using self-control alone. maybe that's all i need in this case too.

and as a disclaimer: i would like to say that i don't think about this very much, really only when i'm going to sleep, which might be why i can't get to sleep. but really, that's all.

love to all my playas in the pro. miss you. love you.

L.

Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars

What would the world be like without Stan Getz? Really, what would it be like? We'd have no music to dance under the stars to, no music to drive to, no music to be miserably happy to. I'm in love with the mystique, the informality, the sexiness, the character of his music.

Six days. Six days and I'm back in Walnut Creek. Six days and school is over and I'm back to my old life. I don't know if I still want it. I don't know what life I want.

No one ever tells you college is hard. People only talk about how much fun you'll have, about the time they jumped naked into the fountain in the middle of campus, or when they painted the rival school their own school's colors the weekend of the Big Game. But I'll be honest. College is hard. Rather, moving away from home is hard. You're constantly struggling for independence from your parents, always fighting homesickness, endlessly meeting new people and gathering friends and feeling utterly alone...it's an endless cycle. It's rad, don't get me wrong. I know why people say these are the best years of your life. Only in college can you sleep until 4 in the afternoon, shrug off all responsibilities except for taking care of yourself, "forget" to call your mother who's worrying her heart out, wear all those funky clothes you were too embarrassed to wear in high school, stay out all night even though you have three papers due and a test the next day. College....IS.....AWESOME.

Maybe that's what makes it so great. The lack of caring, the amount of growth. I need to vary my sentence structure more, but it's a blog entry, so who really cares? And I'm in college. I'm not aiming to please.

Just enjoy life a little bit more. Take more walks, both at night and during the day. Eat one piece of candy a day. Buy yourself a new shirt even if you don't have the money. Just have fun. Just have fun and love other people.

I used to love life and I think that's why I loved people so much. I don't know what happened. I'm on the track back there though.

But okay. 12:21 AM and I'm super tired. I've been up for twelve hours...barely. One's day is supposed to be 8 hours work, 8 hours play, and 8 hours sleep. Mine's more like 12 hours work, 12 hours sleep. But I'm down with that. Sleep rocks.

And so do you.

Much love,
Lisa Marie.

Voodoo Wop

I can't decide what I want to listen to, so I'm listening to clinic, the most random band in the world. But i love clinic, so there we go.

i am so so so so tired. i went to vegas this weekend--such a blast. becky and brandon got engaged (finally) and i kicked with dane and taylor most of the time. fun kids. we stole street signs in their golf cart. they honestly just make me laugh so hard, almost as much as becky who laughs at everything bless her heart.

next year--i still don't have a place to live and i'm procrastinating a lot about it. i think it's because i don't really want to come back here.

my mom cried to me on the phone today. it scared me because she doesn't cry. she feels like she's screwed me up somehow, like the way i feel is partly her fault. well, it is. partly. and frankly i know how to take care of myself now and i can handle it. but it made me sad that she cried over it. sobbed. bawled. wailed even.

tomorrow is a busy day. studying, test, meeting with spencer, appointment with doctor bekker, class, class, class, choir rehearsal, choir performance, studying, party, studying, bed. busy day. busy frickin day.

i looked hot today. brown pinstriped blazer, pink button up blouse, levis, silver slippers with the little sequin stuff on them, retro sunglasses. baby baby...i looked like a rock star. word.

see here, i need to go to bed now. i should. i want to. but i can't. so love you all. have fun.

and all you cali peeps.........i miss you too. we'll be back together soon.

xoxo lisa

wild eyed boy from freecloud

This is Alex's favorite song.

I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. Today. w00t? I kinda promised my sister I would, and I'd say the night before is a little late to back out. I dont care anyway. I'll have fun.

You know that feeling when you feel like you have to be friends with people? I do, sometimes. I had a nice talk with a friend of mine today. We talked about some of our other friends and how they profess to love us so much and that we're on of their very best friends, but they push us around and don't give us the time of day when certain other people are around. Maybe I'm complaining too much, but I don't think so. I think I'm just commenting on the state of life, on human nature.

I don't know what I'm saying. One and a half weeks here. That's it. I'm sad. It's been a great year. Hard, but good. I'm going to miss my friends a lot. I'm just glad I have such great friends to go home to also. I know I'm lucky.

I feel sick. Like ima puke. Maybe I will and then I won't go to Las Vegas, but I doubt it.

12:51 AM - haven't started homework, haven't packed, need sleep. Alright I'm out like a trout you know you make me wanna shout clean your grout this is it dont doubt......................this medicine is really weird guys

xoxo lisa

call me this weekend in vegas yo.

Things Mean A Lot

I am listening to the Red House Painters like crazy today. Last night....fun. After I wrote that entry I kicked it with Brandon and Danny til 5 am. They are very nice gentlemen and we had a nice conversation.

I'm a music snob. Tyler called me a music snob today. As did Mark and Rod. Well I'm okay with that. I'm not as bad as some people I know, but seriously...people should just KNOW that The Postal Service came AFTER Death Cab. And sorry guy in front of us in line last night, it was The Who, NOT AC/DC whose fans died during a riot while waiting in line for a show. That's just common knowledge bro.

I am sometimes excited to come home. Meet my LDS homies at Cal, yeeah? I am scared of life. I am really scared of it.

Appointment with the psychiatrist Tuesday. Scared for that too. I'm scared for everything. Every single thing.

"Things mean a lot at the time, don't mean nothin' later."

And that's life. That's what all the people say. (Thanks Frank).

Oh btw, last night driving home from SLC Tyler and I sang Frank Sinatra together and it was quite beautiful. He's a good singer...........AND.......
I'm out.

Love (?),
Lisa

Another Day

Saw N.E.R.D. with Tyler and two of his buddies from France tonight. It was awesome. Really awesome. Tyler knows all the words to all of their songs and he got pulled up on stage by Shay and Pharell was ALL over him. Chad wasn't there. Bummer.

Tonight was weird. Just weird. One of those nights when you know something should happen but it doesn't, so you end up feeling jipped or shorted...and depressed. Like right now.

I didn't do what I was supposed to do this year, and now school is going to be really hard. College is. What have I done? I'm so sorry. I'm just sorry. For myself. Self-pity w00t.

But I do love you everyone. That never changes.

xoxo lisa

p.s. frank sinatra is sooo my hero.

"all you need is love."

She's Losing It

Hair cut and dyed tonight. Turns out if i wanna go lighter i have to bleach it. crazy.

right now...belle and sebastian pumping. wearing my big sunglasses and trucker hat to the side looking pimp and shizz. love it.

water fight tonight. HUGE WATER FIGHT. i got so wet and then beckie and michelle locked themselves in MY ROOM and put MY CLOTHES ON including my puma and adidas track jackets!!!! I FLIPPED OUT AND STARTED HYPERVENTILATING (not really) BUT I WANTED TO!!!! no one will ever wear those except for me as long as i have anything to say about it. and then jessica went and got them all wet!! MY CLOTHES! but it's cool cos it's just water.

i'm really hot. like temperature. i think i have a fever because i've been having hot/cold flashes all day and i think i'm a bit too young for menopause.

should i go to las vegas next weekend for easter? should i go to the doctor?

sometimes i feel like making a list of all the thing i love, but then i remember i couldn't remember everything anyway, and that i would quite possibly leave off the most important things, so there's no point in the first place.

today martin called me and i didn't want to talk to him so i told him i had class even though i didn't. was that mean? i lied to someone who's just trying to be my friend. but for some reason, i get so anxious when he calls, when i hear his voice, when someone mentions his name....i cant handle it.

that's enough belle and sebastian now.

okay and i just found out that one of my friends back home is really wasted right now and that's kinda sad. nuthin i can do about that but really.....thursday night and they're drunk off their arse. chill baby. work for the weekend. but then it is april fools day and it could be a big prank.

okay that's it. THE WEEKEND IS ALMOST HERE. alright peace love rock and roll party hard love makes the world go round shake it dont break it cant stop the beat move your feet out on the street willy and the poor boys are playing i'm out!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo lliissaa

p.s. perry richard devenport you are dead meat.

Suddenly Upsidedown

Has anyone noticed that the titles for all my blog entries are songs? In fact, they are the song I'm listening to at the time of writing. Coooooool, eh?

Baptiste the French teacher is in love. I'm convinced. He's always happy, giggling, NICE! Love is the only thing it could be. Today I saw him as I was walking on campus and he went out of his way to say hi to me. Whoa.

Tyler. Turns out we might be making a day trip out of Saturday...kickin it in the SLC all day Saturday before the show at 9. I am JAZZED like Charlie Parker on heroin.

Three weeks from today and I'm back in Cali. That is nothing.

I just got some bad news from a very good friend and it means they will probably get sent away again. I'm very upset.

So now I'm going to go cry a little because I could care less about anything else.

xoxo lisa.

Softly As I Leave You

Do you still think about me? Do you still wonder how I'm doing? Do you still want to be friends? Do you still care? Do you still hurt? Do you still remember how happy we were? Do you ever get the urge to call me or email me or IM me? Do you still remember my name?

I just got really sad after reading something. Junior Senior "Shake Your Coconuts" makes it happier though. Forced.

Martin. Martin is a Latin guy from Montevideo who called me four times today, called me three times yesterday and texted me twice, and so on and so on. Point being: he's rather in love with me. Sadly for him, I haven't the slightest interest in being anything more than friends with him, but I'm so upset right now I can see myself hooking up with him tonight and waking up sick to my stomach about it tomorrow. Anyway, I met him clubbing last Saturday night, and we're going clubbing again tonight and he wants me to call him and tell him where we'll be. Look Martin, I don't like you like that, okay? I get sick to my stomach thinking about calling you. This is so awful. I just want to be friends. Of course, you're not reading any of this, but really I just can't stand it. I'll keep all y'all updated though. Tonight will be interesting because Nelson's going too. Nelson = babe.

25 days. Still scared. Worried. Anxious. I love my peeps out in Cali tho...this is fo shizz.

Cameron, Forest, Nick--you say you'll come visit. I hope so. I want to show you everything and you can meet all my pals and I'll show you my favorite and most special spots that I've never shown anyone before, not even my loves. Now that's saying something.

Tyler. I'm seeing N.E.R.D. and Black-Eyed Peas with him next Saturday. I'm excited. N.E.R.D. and Tyler, all one night. Whoa. I don't know what to say about it except that we're going to have fun and I have to leave here in 25 days anyway so I don't quite see the point. He called me twice today (woke me up twice too, but that's my own fault for staying in bed all day). Yesterday we huddled under my umbrella together as we walked across campus. He said my jacket was hot (totally was too) and that I smell good (Chance By Chanel, the best perfume in the world no doubt). Pretty sure he likes me, but like I said we're staying chill about things and letting them happen naturally which is how it's worked for me in the past.

And...it rained all day yesterday, and I loved it. I went shopping in Park City and bought some fly sunglasses, Levis, and Vans. 30 dollars spent total on the three items. Chris Rains says, "I just don't know how you do it Lisa. I can't be seen with you anymore because I look so stupid next to your insane fashion sense." Hey man, iono how I do it either but I love you you can still be seen with me, word bro?

Right now--going to a show. Three of the bands are my friend's bands. Later--clubbing. Wish me luck with Martin prease.

xoxo Lisa

P.S.

30 days............end of semester. back to cali? yes. excited? yes and no. scared? mos def. awkward? terribly. in a mess? horribly. confused? tremendously. out of adverbs? affirmative (thanks dave bremer).

P.P.S. what does P.S. stand for?

remind me to tell you about martin next time.........omg........what the junk........sad again.

Graceful Fat Sheba

Wow. Yeah well, yeah. I mean, yeah. Tonight I saw Death Cab with Andrea, Forest, my love Cameron. It was fun. Everyone was there. Brandon, the third King, Joe, David, Amber, Chad, Nick,

I can't concentrate.

I am sad. All the time.

Coachella is gonna be so cool. Word on the street: Cameron's sis knows ima robot so we're going backstage! for free! i'm stoked.

the show tonight sucked too. I mean it was good, but i've seen death cab so many times now, and now they're all big and junk. no one cares. i dont care anymore. i'm over them.

please dont look at me, i am such a mess, i will beat your love out of my chest.............sometime....i'm sorry you hate me so much.

i gotta finish hw now.

<3 lisa

Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Weird night last night. Ended up being fun though...played FOUR SQUARE!!! So crazy. Mmk i dont wanna talk about that, it's kinda boring.

so tonight i met my friend marel's "cousin" colin, who served his mission for the LDS church (my church/Mormon church) in France with Tyler. turns out tyler really did get herpes on his mission, AND his nickname was "Fire Crotch Nelson." HA! So funny. It's ironic how i keep meeting these peeps who know tyler...kinda freaky.

anyway. this week is going to be academic hell. two french tests (oral and written) and two physics test (first try and second). what the junk?! plus a HEPE quiz, HEPE activity log, STG paper, etc etc etc etc etc. AHHHHHHH!!! And i need to find some chump to help me take my sister to the airport thursday morning since i can't drive stick worth crap....what a flipping joke.

word baby. it's 12 midnight and i haven't started my hw. this is pathetic. PATHETIC.

I feel pathetic because it still hurts like hell sometimes and there's nothing i can do about it but cry a little and shake it off until the next time i remember. i'm getting sick of this.

i have a lot of homework now. baptiste stop doing this to me.

xoxo lisa.

Dirty Sunday, Super Tuesday

Word baby. Wussup. Not much here. Okay so tonight i was going to the Pink Floyd laser show (my third time...it really is THAT good) with Carlos (my Latin lover), Oliver, and Alicia. But none of us could ever get ahold of Carlos, so we didn't go. Now i'm chillin at home. it's so weird. everyone is off doing their own random things tonight. okay but this is the weirdest part...normally when i'm alone i'm very depressed and i can't handle it. but for some reason tonight i'm enjoying the alone time. kate's in kaysville with her grandparents so i just lay in bed most of the day, reading and stuff. and i cleaned our room SO well. she's going to be way happy when she comes back. it's so clean :) i'm very proud of myself. i have so much laundry to do it's not even funny. i just have no interest in leaving my room though. solitude is kind of nice when i can handle it, like now.

guess what? five-and-a-half weeks until i'm home. i can't believe it. SO SOON! man it's so weird. to think that because it's really no time at all. it's really sad in a way. last night we had a bonfire on utah lake, and on the way home we were talking about how fast it's been, how it's all just flown by. why does life do that? when you're in the middle of time it doesn't pass. you feel like you're in this perpetual state of rest. lines fade, everything blurs together in one massive, (for lack of a more articulate term) blob of time.

now this is just to say that i am really excited for summer. i know i'm going to have a really hard time living at home...if winter break was any indication (i.e. 12 am curfews!!). IT WAS ABSURD! I'm honestly thinking about living somewhere else other than home this summer, but i dont think that'd go over big with the 'rents. Anyway, i'm excited to come home. i have so many great friends there. i love so many people there. i love san francisco and berkeley and oakland and pacifica and all of the bay area. there are so many places i want to visit, some for the first time. i love the sun there. i mean, fenton's, zachary's, the blue nile, hahaha the food! there are no good foreign food places here! i'm excited to see kevin everyday, and celeste and hannah and bea and perry, my best friends. all of them. i'm excited to lay out in the grass at night and read a book and just dream about the future. i'm excited to take late night walks with corey and lay out under the stars with alex. i'm excited to renew friendships with christina and andrew. i'm excited for weekend trips to santa cruz to visit hannah, bea, andrew, christina, john, tom, kerby, and see alex, eric, drew, everyone. i'm excited for helen to go to mexico and have the time of her life. i'm excited to make money and go to france in the fall (maybe...SO MUCH DRAMA WITH THAT RIGHT NOW!). i'm excited for coachella, i'm excited to go to SoCal to see all my peeps down there. i'm excited for life.

it's really not worth it to let the little things get you down. even the big things. i've figured out from experience now that it's going to hurt either way.

and here's another thing...i'm going to miss a lot of you next year. all you guys going on missions. i'd list you all but that would take forever and i'd probably forget someone and then offend you. okay, maybe not offend but you might feel neglected or unimportant and that's never a good situation. my heart just started hurting. but anyway, i'm going to miss you all so much for the next two years. some of you mean so much to me and i want you to know that, and also that i love you very much. and to brian and john garlock, i miss you guys too. okay so you're totally not reading this right now, but my missing you remains.

so people, all you need is love. i'm still convinced that's what life comes down to, no matter how crappy you feel. we just need love. and i promise you that you have mine. my love. forever.

xoxo lisa.

Custom Car Crash

Word. I saw Ima Robot, Kill Hannah, and The Sounds tonight. Kill Hannah sucks. They are the worst band I've ever seen live. But Ima Robot KICKED!!! And The Sounds...whoa. Like they are totally amazing live. I was never a huge fan of their album, but LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. BABY BABY!!! SO INTENSE!!! The singer whatever her name is, she is amazing! Total rock star to the max. Word. I'm hyper. I'm going out. Late.

Haphazard Joy

I almost forgot I had this thing--it's been awhile. These past few weeks have been weird. Okay so not really. I've been weird. I don't even know what to talk about...

Things with Tyler are fine. Neither of us have made a definite move yet, which is frustrating, but judging by past experience waiting for the right time and just letting things flow is a good way to go.

Eddie...I don't know why he affects me so much. We (me, Forest, Andrea) saw him after Book of Mormon Wednesday night and he completely ignored me. It was a trip. And I was already in a weird mood and I hadn't cried in like two weeks. Andrea split to the library with Eddie, Forest and I walked home and we talked and I cried. He knew it wasn't Eddie that was bothering me. Eddie frustrates me, but I don't cry over Eddie. "Lisa, that's not it." "Well then I don't know what is, Forest. I don't know what's wrong." "Lisa, maybe it's that you're getting over someone you loved more than anything and now it's like it never even happened and you have no one to love now. Maybe that's it." And that's a big part of it. It's true. Sometimes friends just don't cut it, as much as I love them.

And then there's Carlos...but he's another story altogether.

I saw Sage Francis Thursday and talked to him for awhile as he was standing right next to me for one of his openers (Grand Buffet--hiohop's Tenacious D). "Hey, you're playing Coachella, right?" I asked him. "Yeah..are you?" Haha Sage Francis asked me if I was playing Coachella. Talk about the highlight of my night. So we talked about all the bad venues in Salt Lake, how he would never play there again because no venue has good sound, and we talked about his show at Slim's in SF and how it rocked because their soundsystem is just that good.

To be honest, I don't really feel like writing in this now. I have a lot to say but I just don't feel like saying it. It's 3:30 pm, I've been up for two hours, I'm still tired, I need to shower, my room's a mess, and I could care less about it all. Ima lay in bed for awhile. Peace.

xoxo lisa.

So Long

You know, life really does get hard sometimes, but it's all for the good. We may have really intense trials, but we once we've overcome them we're always better people. Always. I've learned that the hard way, but after going through what I've been through these past few months I am such a better person. I really know what I want in life. I won't let myself make silly mistakes again. I am more ambitious in obtaining the things I want most. I know more what's important and what's not. I know who my true friends are. That's a beautiful thing.

This past week has been crazy. Like no joke, crazy. I was at Eddie's last night til 2 am. Had a lot of fun at his little acoustic night; no lefty guitars though and mine was at home so I didn't play til after everyone had left and I was chilling with Jordan, singing him to sleep with my dyslexic guitar-playing (right-handed Taylor flipped). But it was fun.

Saturday night went to a hockey game with Kristy Kadish!!, lost 2-6, got pulled over by a cop for speeding (then the cop proceeded to change lanes in an intersection AND pull over the person right next to us), went to her parents' in Orem for a good yellin and watched "The New Guy"...hilarious movie btw.

Friday night--dancing in SLC with Andrea, Brittany, Whitney, and Katie. Met a very wonderful guy named Nate who's the new marketing director for the church. He's into pretty good music too. That never hurts.

And Tyler! I haven't talked about Tyler at all. Tyler and I sit next to each other in Physics everyday, with BK (Brandon King!) on my other side and Kim to the front (Kim's in a wheelchair so she sits in front of us in the front row, making her own little row [that was confusing, sorry]). Tyler and I have been great friends all year, but suddenly the relationship is taking a different spin. It's nice. He's from Portland, Business major (switched from Photography), served his mission for our church in France (he speaks in French to me when he doesn't want anyone else to understand!), loves Frank Sinatra, loves hockey, hmmmm. It's an interesting development.

And Eddie. We are so awkward around one another I can't stand it. And neither can he from what I hear. But like he said: "Lisa, sometimes I'm just like a 6th grader and I can't help it." Sorry Mr. Provo. You are nothing but a hott, sexy, 25-year-old wuss with an amazing voice, and I am soooo done with you. Sort of. Um, who am I kidding...I can't forget about Eddie.

My French grade is up to a B! Baptiste likes me more now, I think. I've been making an effort and we talk about things like music and French culture and stuff. So I'm movin on up.

Coachella! I'm going to Coachella in May with Perry. Wow, we are going to have a blast. I am excited.

Less than two months and I'm back in Cali. This semester is going way too fast, even though I like it going fast. I'm excited to go home, have a nice comfy bed, humidity, the beach, the sun, and a job. I need money. And Perry and I are planning on taking classes together at DVC this summer. That will be fun too.

Anyway, j'ai beaucoup d'etudiant pour le francais ce soir (I have a lot of studying for French tonight). I think my French might've been wrong there, but don't bother correcting me because I really don't care.

xoxo lisa.

P.S. The sun was out ALL day today and it was BEAUTIFUL.

Looks Just Like The Sun

lisaloo92: i love you alex
spidorman44: i love you, lisa
lisaloo92: alex will you hold me sometime?
spidorman44: hmm ? yea hehe i will
lisaloo92: thanks alex.
spidorman44: and spin
lisaloo92: hahhaa and spin
lisaloo92: but not while you're holding me. i think we should probably be laying down for that or something.
lisaloo92: ...if that's not too scandalous for you...
spidorman44: haha yea sure why not lisa.. and ill cry with you
spidorman44: just for you
lisaloo92: hehehe thanks alex, but i don't think i'm going to be crying very much anymore
spidorman44: aww
spidorman44: well ill cry for all the others
lisaloo92: i'll still cry with you
lisaloo92: for the pain we've felt in the past
lisaloo92: for the way things could have been
spidorman44: yea
spidorman44: for all the others who have it worse
lisaloo92: exactly. the ones who have it worse.
lisaloo92: it can always be worse.

Exit Does Not Exist

I don't know where to start. Let's start with my day.

I got up and decided to take a bath. I turned on the water nice and hot, just the way I like it. I decided I wouldn't turn the fan on because I HATE the noise it makes; it's so disruptive to any kind of relaxation. I took my bath, which went splendidly, then let out the water like normal. I stood up. Whoa, was I dizzy. I braced myself against the cold tile for support, but things were blacking out. I couldn't see straight. My head felt like twenty bricks. My legs gave in under me and I fell. I looked up and saw the ceiling. I tried to get up again. The same thing happened. I wrestled between the shower doors and the wall, trying to keep myself from falling again. It didn't help. Kerplop! Right back into the tub. Third try. I breathed in deeply. By this time I was scared out of my mind, I couldn't breathe, I felt like vomiting, I was weak. I tried getting up again but to no avail. I blacked out. I woke up shortly after and crawled out of the tub onto the bathroom floor. "Mom," I called feebly. I hadn't the strength to speak even at a normal level. And then I remembered: I'd brought my cell phone with me into the bathroom. I called my dad. "Just elevate your feet, Lisa." After doing this for a little while I could see clearly again and felt well enough to stand up. I went into my room and just lay on the floor, freaked out of my mind, crying, not breathing, tripping. It was insane.

Anyway, Katie and I went shopping in Broadway Plaza. Kewl (I hate it when people do that, btw). Stopped by Alex's grandma's house to hug him and kiss Weebee. I love you Weebee. I love you Alex. Coco Mademoiselle and Chance. Remember those two Alex. Coco and Chance.

So tonight.

Celeste and I went up to Dinosaur Hill for a bit and chilled and chatted. Then to Rasputin's in PH where I bought Al Green's Greatest Hits (on the recommendation of many close friends) as well as Modest Mouse's "This is a Long Drive for Someone With Nothing To Think About." It's a great album. I'm listening to it right now.

Then it was off to Kevin's to pick him up. Then Q-Zar. I'd never been to Q-Zar before and it was SO much fun. I totally understand why guys go all the time. It's addicting. It's like playing a Star Wars video game but in real life. REAL LIFE. Man, that's deep.

Then to visit L Mo on the curb at her mom's. Then to Bea's where Ross was lying on the bed. He didn't recognize me at first (go figure). Finished Waiting For Guffman (sort of). I turned it off when the conversation got too good.

Now here's the thing that made the night great, okay? The conversation. The love. The feeling of belonging. The happiness. The connections. The fun. The sincerity. The intensity. Et cetera.

See there are some times in life when you just know things are going to work out because you have great friends. Sure, they may be 850 miles away most of the year, but they're still there. They're still your friends.

That's the most difficult thing about being away from home, you know? These people you love are 850 + miles away. I mean, that's a lot.

I don't know what else to say except that I love you all. Especially that one person who I toss around more than a salad. And I'm sorry for that. But I probably love you most and that's gotta count for something.

Anyway, let me be frank as long as I can still be garth. I LOVE YOU. AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.

xoxo love lisa.

Is This It

The Strokes nonstop all morning, after "Just Like Honey" and Phantom Planet.

Coachella tix go on sale today? Can I afford it? Will Washington Mutual stop charging me for nothing?

Took a bath this morning. Didn't turn on the fan so it would get nice and steamy. Lemme tell ya: don't ever do that. I ended up fainting 3 (THREE!!!) times. By the third time I was so weak I couldn't even yell for help. Luckily I had my cell phone in the bathroom with me (don't ask why, I don't even know why), so I called my dad and asked him what I should do. By far the scariest experience in my life. I'm still reeling from it. Whoa. It was way intense.

The sun is out and bright. The sky is blue and the clouds are white. And I'm listening to The Strokes.

Perry Devenport you're my hero. Thanks for the great times, great memories, great laughs, great fun.

Alex, thanks for surprising me at Amoeba yesterday. That was just, wow. Indescribable. So amazing.

Enuff with the sap...I'm out.

xoxo Lisa

I'm Caught Between Goodbye and I Love You

Wow. What a weekend. It was a good one, i guess. yeah. made some new friends, rekindled friendships with old ones, so yeah. it's been good.

today was the best day i've had in a long time. it still wasn't great, but it was good. charlene and i got yelled at in french for talking, even though we were speaking in french AND speaking about the material being discussed in class. baptiste is SO anal!! anyway......

i'm coming home this weekend. baybay am i excited or what. i need to get out of this freezing utah weather! see some sun!! SAD! i HAVE SAD! aka seasonal affective disorder. so hilarious.

lisa- we love you sew very much! love katie and andrea. thanks gals ;) :)

i'm off to do more hw and study pour mon examen de francais demain! bonne nuit!

xoxo lisa.

I'll Grow Old With You

...at least I'd really like to. But I don't think that can happen given the current circumstances. I really should just tell you to your face, or to your voice since I'm so far away, but talking to you hurts. That's why I didn't talk to you online tonight. And I needed to show myself that I didn't need to talk to you, that I could go more than 24 hours without satisfying my "fix." I'm sorry I'm writing all of this here. I'm really sorry.

And for the rest of you--can I tell you how sad I feel all the time? One minute I think that things will be okay, but the next I feel just as down and hopeless again. I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. I lack purpose, direction, motivation, happiness, love, feeling. I do things to make myself happy but it's all temporary. Walks with Forest are great for my mood, but I turn around and depression hits me in the face again. Watching movies is nice because I can pretend to be someone else for awhile, but the whole time my thoughts wander on how things are, how they will be, etc. etc. I need to think about other people now. I need an adopted grandparent, or a friend to love. I'm not sure what I need. I need relief.

Biological

I have been listening to Air's new album all day. "Talkie Walkie." I think that's cute.

Sloan and I broke up for good. Like no talking for awhile, not until I'm over him. It's for the best. It was a wonderful relationship for awhile, the best either of us had ever been in, but things turned so sour so fast. Too much to deal with. So it's over. Just like that. Yeah it hurts, it hurts a lot, but I know it was the right thing to do...My heart still hurts but in a different way. I keep thinking about him though. I took down all the pics of us, of him, his drawings to me. That was hard. I put his emails in a special folder. This really is it. Man, it sucks. It is really hard. But it is for the best. Maybe if I keep telling myself that it will help me. Okay, I doubt it. I think we're back to Time the Avenger.

It snowed today. And last night/this morning while I was on the phone with Alex. 2-3 am P to the rovo time. I didn't get to sleep til 3:30. That's late even for me. Normally I'm like 3 am. Whatev. It was def worth it. Alex and I always have great talks.

I'm coming home for President's Day weekend. I'm fairly excited. I haven't seen Perry since September and it will be really nice to see him. Plus my family, plus Alex, plus Helen, Celeste, Bianca, Hannah, Kevin, etc. If I'm allowed to. Sometimes my parents say they are bringing me home to see the fam, but I honestly can't just hang out with family all weekend ;) I really want to see my grandma. I miss her a lot. And I need to see Perry and Alex. Need to go to Berkeley and SF. Buy some vinyl. Yeeeeah.

It snowed today. I already said that. It's snowing right now.

Anyway, I'm in the library and I need to go take a test, and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be somewhere right now but I have no idea where or why, so I'm OVER it baby. So over it.

I'm sick of this. Listen to Air and Heart and David Bowie's "Changes."

xoxo lisa.

Nights In White Satin

Have you ever listened to "Asleep" by The Smiths? You have? That's great. You haven't? Go listen to it right now!

Season's End show last night was good. Regan, it was nice touching base with you. Maybe we'll have to do it again. Wait, we're chillin tonight. Okay, well you know what I mean then.

Ladies and Gentlemen we are floating in space. So that's a spiritualized album, but I really feel like I'm floating in space. My life lacks purpose. I continually go to school to achieve this goal, a major, a degree, I'm not sure anymore. I had my audition for the School of Music today. It went well. One of the judges and the accompanist were from the Bay Area, and the other judge's brother used to live in Walnut Creek. Crazy?! For real. They asked me a lot about my choral background and if my interest in Music Education was serious. Well, of course it's serious. That's my ulitmate goal in life: happy family, conductor/composer working relationship with Stephen Hatfield, etc. I mean, I did my senior project on choral conducting. So what does this say, you know?

I had a long talk with my mom today. It felt good. Sometimes I don't just talk to her enough. It turns into yelling and misunderstandings and hostility.

My parents want me to come home for President's Day Weekend now. Crazy how that happens. They think I need a dose of reality and a breather from suffocating Utah. Um yeah, I could've told them that a long time ago. Their minds actually changed when I told my mom last night that I'm seeing a therapist now, and that I'm clinically depressed. Yeah. It's not for certain yet if I'm coming home, but it looks very promising. It's on the condition that I can't see Sloan. But that's too personal for this medium. That's all you really need to know.

Four weeks down, eleven to go. eleven weeks. that's not very long at all. then it's home for the rest of the beautiful Bay Area Spring, then the blissful Bay Area Summer, then it's off to France. France. Wow. I know three other girls going at this point. Courtney, Lindsay, Michelle. All in my building. Lindsay and Michelle are on my floor. But can you imagine what Paris will be like for me? DO YOU REALIZE??? Can you see me wandering through Paris alone with a song in my head and happiness in my heart and perhaps a piece of cheese in my hand? I can. I def can.

Can I just say that I miss my friends back home? I miss Celeste, Sloan, Hannah, Bianca, Kim, Jess, Sam, Alex, McKenna, Annie, my family, Melissa, Ashley, Kevin, Perry (soooo much Perry! It's been the longest since I've seen you), the sun, everyone at church, Camilla, Keri, Emily, Marian, Lyndsey, Elska, Vanessa, Beth, Pasha, Helen! (definitely Helen), and yeah there are many many more. Of course. Of course I miss you all. Everyone.

The new AIR album is very good. Sloan, you are right: it has to grow. It grew really fast, like a beanstalk, for me though and I can't get enough of it. Listening to "Run" right now, and that's by far not even the best song, but it's still so good.

This is a long blog entry, but I haven't had a really long one in awhile. So it's okay. Right?

Yesterday Becky and I testdrove this blue Mitsubishi Eclipse. The color was amazing. Really beautiful. The car saleswoman was so nice. She was from Brazil and told us how she hated BYU because all the Utah girls were so fake and mean. Dood it's so true. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. Okay, so there are of course exceptions, but it's pretty frickin' true. I can't stand it here anymore. I need a breather, like home. HOME. HOME!! It feels good saying home.

It's weird to think that I was in Vegas only a week ago. It feels like an eternity. I feel like time is passing quickly, but maybe so much is happening in a week it feels fast. I don't know. It feels slow. It feels fast. I'm sick of not being able to make up my mind about things.

Should I take a nap before going out tonight? Sure. It's my second of the day. Naps never hurt.

And...the neighbors finally turned off their bass that was so loud I couldn't hear myself think. But now some other stupid girls are yelling in the hallway. So they're not stupid, but when they're squealing like that I sure can't help but think they are.

xoxo lisa.

jubilation. she loves me again.

moosemaster007: the thing you most want to keep you must let go; in truth it is making you unhappy because you can not have it close to you and go to college at the same time: an illusion

my brother just said that to me online because i'm so depressed. i dont know why i'm depressed. i just am.

the sun came out today. again. and it was 39 degrees. and i came home from karli's party and chris rains was wearing a t-shirt and he gave me a hug and said, "lisa, this is california weather" and i said yeah. it felt great.

i saw julian today. his wife is due next week. they will name their baby either oliver or owen. i'm happy for them. it was great seeing him.

then i met this guy named carlos. he's in my sharing the gospel class. he listens to pink floyd. he's from tijuana. he speaks french. he lives in the foreign language housing with the french kids. he has a nice smile.

then i met a woman tonight at karli's party. she was the dessert caterer. she is from toulouse, en france. elle etait tres chouette et nous avons parle le francais un peu. je suis tres agitee pour etudiant en france cet automne!

anyway, i should get on my homework or something. or just go to bed. yeah.

why do earthquakes happen miles away when i only want the open ground to swallow me?

lisa.

crazy on you

yeah baby, lemme go crazy on you. dood, that song rocks. those records i got in vegas are really hott. the best of bread, rod stewart, joni mitchell, cat stevens, heart, john denver, crap i can't even remember the others. that's so pathetic. but oh well. they rock too. haha okay chances are i haven't even listened to them yet if i can't remember then, but no dice. it's okay.

where is alex?

three months/55 days/11 and a half weeks until i'm home.

the sun came out today. it made it a good day.

i'm in the library right now. killing time before class with vern d. sommerfeldt. so excited.

well here's the deal. andrea and i are going to go kill time together in the sun, so i'll write more later prob. lots has happened in the past couple days. for some reason though, the second i start writing in this thing i forget everything i wanted to write about. major bummer.

xoxo lisa.

feel like makin love

i'm so into bad company right now it's not even funny.

okay. so i'm almost finished with my application for paris this fall. i am so excited. yeah, i'm going to have to work especially hard this summer, but it's completely worth it in my mind.

and okay. so i like really need to see sloan. like REALLY. i am dying. and where is alex? alex who i love so much? my friend of all friends? he's with his father, yes, but i haven't heard his voice in ages.

i am stressed.

las vegas was fun this weekend. went with becky to see her boyfriend. stayed with his family. they are great. they really are. taylor and dane are brandon's little brothers. they are so hilarious. "i'll tell ya right now, this is way better than playing with toys," says taylor. he was talking about welding and soldering metals. whoa. that kid is intense.

now for something else. i am very tired. and i miss sloan. and i miss CA. and i hate the snow. but i had lots of fun sledding with beau and jeff tonight! so much fun! thanks guys!

anyway, i'm off to do more hw. maybe sleep a little bit. watch "She's All That" with Jordan and Bree. who knows. alright. ciao lovers.

xoxo lisa

Hot dang juanita

Best day ever. Went to Park City with my boys Nick and Chad. In the space of one hour, saw David Arquette, Eve, Rachel Dratsch, Andrew Firestone, and some Makai Pfeiffer from 8 Mile. Wurd to yo mothahs. That's all I can say. I got pics with David and Rachel too. Be sure to check out Felicia Vondora once I have them up.

Things are so much better now than before. I am sick of feeling lonely. Whatev though. I know it will continue for awhile. So whatev.

I had so so so so SO much more to say, but now I'm too tired to say it. Except I haven't done any homework for class tomorrow, and I'm studying in Paris this fall!, and I love you all. So there.

xoxo Lisa

Heroes

David Bowie--you're my hero.

Sundance Film Festival was great, though we kind of overstayed our welcome at Jennie's house and had to leave early this morning. Bummer.

Yesterday I just took a long walk through Park City, talking to Alex on the phone the whole time. It was so nice, taking a figurative long walk with him. I saw Demi Moore at Fred Segal and Hank Azaria on the street. I saw The Presidents of the United States of America (the band) and they rocked. I saw The Long Winters and talked to them for a long time. John Roderick actually remembered me from the Death Cab show earlier. He remembered I was wearing a green cordouroy pea coat and that I complimented him on his brown cordouroy coat.

Alex--you're the greatest. You really are. And I'm sorry about your mom.

Park City is so beautiful. It glistened like Rivendell when we drove in Friday night. Saturday morning the sun streamed in through the windows and warmed my cold face. All day it kissed my cheeks and warmed my body as I explored the little shops and crunched through the snow and passed familiar faces on the street. Man, what a great day. And topped off with The Long Winters. Just insane. Insane.

I'm really lost. I'm really confused. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need some help. I don't know what I need. I just know that everything I do makes me think of him, everything I don't do makes me think of him, every minute every second I'm thinking about him. And I don't know what to think about that.

That's it. That's all I've got.

(none)

Things are over with Sloan. I still care about him, he still cares about me, but things just won't work right now, not next week, maybe not ever. but i still care about him very much.

anyway, life in p to the rovo is improving. i still miss home, the bay area, sloan and alex and my girls, but my weekend jaunt to park city for sundance this weekend should be a total blast, not to mention i'm escaping utah valley for the weekend. yeehaw.

aight. love you all. i mean it. i really do.

lisa.

Shake the Dope Out

This weekend: chilled at a partay Friday. sucked. called eric and chilled with him and adam. adam is amazing. chilling with them again tonight, and emily and dave. should be a real shindig.

went to idaho too. wow. idaho. there is nothing there. really. you know on movies when people move to the middle of nowhere? yeah, they film all those parts in idaho. there is NOTHING. n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well there's hollywood video, blockbuster, some bars, a rollerskating rink, so the usual small town fare. but it's awful. i'm telling you. literal hell on earth.

not to mention that everyone's shopping lives revolve around wal-mart (most of them had never heard of banana republic or even puma), pant sizes begin at a size 20 (for women, i'd say about 42 for men), and general politesse is something they've never heard of. imagine 50-year old mothers belching at the dinner table. yeah. no joke.

anyway, the weekend was fun overall. my eyes were opened to how life could be, and it made me so much more grateful that i live in utah where people at least dont look at me as funny as people in idaho did. it was def an experience.

things are getting better too. i'm not as sad, not as disgruntled. things could be a lot better, that's for sure, but idaho showed me that it could be an immeasurable amount worse.

enough about idaho. i'm going to do some work now. love you all. hope things are good.

xoxo times infinity (arkarkark)
lisa.

Changes

alright, so normally i dont like posting two days in a row. makes me feel needy, weak, desperate for emotional therapy. well i guess these are true right now. i'm quite homesick--i miss san francisco, berkeley, even walnut creek. i miss my dog. i miss my fmaily. i miss sloan. i miss alex. i miss my girls. but whatev.

byu sucks sometimes. it really does. i feel like there is no place for me here. my friends--i love my friends--are just friends. not lifelong soul siblings. eric and i had that once. regan and i did. forest and i are getting close to it. i love andrea and britt and jennie, i mean i could go on forever you know? but there's no point. these people are all here for me and i love them for it, but do they really understand me? do they know who i am without even trying? no, i dont think they do. i wish they did. i feel so alone. i really do.

i haven't been this depressed in a long time. not even when i first came to byu. i dont know what makes it different now. well i do. it was being home with sloan and alex, two people who i care so much about. two people who just "get" me. they know what makes me tick just because they do.

i am sick of being sad. i am sick of feeling like crap about myself, about being here, about everything. i am sick of not having someone i can love all the time. well i have that, but who knows how long it will last. i miss you so much sloan. that's it. i'm going to a party now.

Love is Only a Feeling

So in all honesty, coming back to school has been rather hard. I miss home, I miss Sloan, I miss Alex, I miss the sun. It's sunny today, at least. It's the first sunny day since I've been here. But my heart just feels empty all the time. I'm not sure why, except maybe because I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like a lost ship at sea. Sometimes other ships will sail by and offer help, but once they leave it's back to being lost.

I know I'll get used to it. It's already easier. I'm just sick of crying, sick of my heart aching. I need to change something.

Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell

Man. Provo is cold. Snow is literally all that can be seen on the ground, except for where it's been cleared on the pavement and walkways and such. It's intense.

I miss home. I miss CA. I miss Sloan. I miss him soooooo much. Like crazy. It's good to see all my friends here and stuff, but I'm still searching for that one person here who I really connect with. Like really deeply. That connection hasn't come, and I'm suffering without it. I just miss him desperately, and Alex too. Alex is a very great caring friend. But Sloan. It is awful leaving the one person you care about most behind. Very awful.

But I'll survive. Gloria Gaynor did it, I can too.... :) -----------> weak attempt at a smile.

xoxo love and happiness.

I Love You Jesus Christ

So that remark is a tad blasphemous, but oh well.

Strangely, oddly, ironically, I feel a sense of closure to this vacation. All day I've been weeping about, knowing that I have two days before I leave Walnut Creek, before I leave Sloan, before I leave all my friends I ditched for him. These whole two weeks have been a sensational blur. I realized the depth of my heart in these two weeks. I realized that life is nothing without love. I realized that distance might not mean a whole lot afterall. And I realized that having a curfew isn't such a bad thing after all. Not having freedom, however, is.

I am peculiarly happy right now. My heart is full with respect and caring for and from Sloan. I'm happy because Forest is a very good friend of mine.

Somehow, I just feel like everything's going to be alright for the first time in a long time...

...I will miss you every day Sloan...

My Weakness is None of Your Business

today i went to best buy twice. and i took robert and katie to their music lessons with tony. and i chilled with sloan and alex. i just got home and now i am really depressed. like really.

see the day was great. i had a lot of fun and stuff, loved being with sloan and alex. three musketeers. sloan, ferris, cameron. we even cut this old guy in a mercedes off from this parking spot he wanted, so we called him mr. rooney. :) it was just so fun.

maybe i'm just tired now. maybe i really am sad. i'm not sure. all i know is that i didn't want to go home. i wanted to hold sloan for a while. i only have four days left here and i still feel like there's so much i need to learn about him. well whatever. my depression will pass i guess. we're spending the whole day and night together tomorrow anyway.......yeah.

alright well...i think maybe i'll go rent a nice movie or something, like "Rebel Without a Cause." James Dean ALWAYS cheers me up :)

Two-Headed Boy

Mmmm this break is pretty fun. I've only seen my girls once because I've been with Sloan so much. Iono iono. We'll see.

Third time to San Fran this week tonite, second time with the fam. I figure that going without a fight will make my dad happy, perhaps extend my curfew a tiny bit...Yeah yeah, wishful thinking. Oh well.

Neutral Milk Hotel, I love you.

Christmas was a bust. I'm taking back half my gifts. I feel so greedy and selfish, but whatev. I dont want to keep something I dont like, something I wont wear. That, to me, is a greater waste.

Whatev. Right now I gotta go. I'm sick of typing because my fingernails are a little long and it's too hard to type with them. Heh heh.

xoxo Lisa

Nothing Much to Lose

Wow. I mean like w.o.w. I really like Mr. X, and it turns out Mr. Y might be gay. WHAT?! Yes, it's true. I kind of suspected it the whole time anyway, I mean he is freakishly stylish for a guy...oh well. I wouldn't be the first girl to fall for a gay guy (remember Danny on The Real World: New Orleans?).

So. My parents are being COMPLETE and utter jerks. Tyrants. Authoritarian dictators comparable to Stalin himself. They are enforcing a MIDNIGHT CURFEW! for me, an 18 year old college student. Please, cut me some slack here parents. I am doing nothing wrong, participating in perfectly perfect activities. Let me live. Stop cramping my social style...

More on that later. Right now Mr. X is calling <3

xoxo Lisa

PS Alex thanks for being such a spectacular friend :)

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

LOTR last night. Best show ever. Eric, thank you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and you are my BEST FRIEND EVER TOO!!!! Arkarkark.

SOOOOO. The Darkness is my new favorite band. After all my other favorites.

Holy lembas Frodo! I haven't had a really good blog entry in awhile, and I'll tell you why. It started with Mr. X and Mr. Y (no, I'm not talking about chromosomes, sorry to confuse you). I love Mr. X and I love Mr. Y. And that's as far as I'm going to go. It's too private a matter for too public a forum.

Finals this week. Bleh. Bio 100 tomorrow and then I'm done for semester one. Oooh baby.

Discovered today that Teriyaki Stix has gyoza (pot stickers for all you culturally inept). Best thing to eat on campus, I've decided.

So look here sprouts, I gotta go because Jessica's on her way over and we're going to Savers to buy some cute new used clothes. Love you all.

Kathy's Song

Wow. What a great and awful week. Lamia and Jessica moved to DT--my heart still weeps. Went to SLC and saw MoTab last night with Eric and peeps. Way fun time. Frederica Von Stade and Bryn Terfel (f.y.i. my two favorite opera singers of the present day) were the special guests! Imagine that!

I'm excited to come home now. To see people, to see my special friend, to have too much fun.

So much happened this week. I should be able to tell you more. But nothing's coming to mind. All I know is that I'm happy.

LOTR this Wednesday baby. Opening night. SOOOOOOOO excited. I'll tell you all about it, I promise ;)

Love, peace, good cheer,
Lisa.

Just Cry Yourself To Sleep

Groovin to my record player right now. Yes, MY RECORD PLAYER. So awesome. The Doors baby, "Light My Fire."

Just got off the phone with my dear Kevin. Thank you for always being here for me, Kevin. And I always think of you when I hear "The Sound of Silence."

Things are so good right now. I'm always happy, especially lately, but these past couple days I've just been on an emotional high. So great. Unfortunately, I believe completely in the yin and yang, so there will undoubtedly be a low to this high. Oh well, c'est la vie.

I think I'm going to call my grandma Betty now. Then the folks. Then hw. Yes. Bye Bye Love.

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying!

"So she had to satisfy herself with the idea of love - loving the loving of things whose existence she didn't care at all about. Love itself became the object of her love. She loved herself in love, she loved loving love, as love loves loving, and was able, in that way, to reconcile herself with a world that fell so short of what she would have hoped for. It was not the world that was the great and saving lie, but her willingness to make it beautiful and fair, to live a once-removed life, in a world once-removed from the one in which everyone else seeemed to exist." --Everything Is Illuminated

Thanks Sean.

The 59th Street Bridge Song

I am happy today. Saw all my favorite people and then some. In the Wilk today after Music. Eric finds me, says, "I have a present for you." Puts a little piece of paper on the table. "LOTR 12am Dec. 17" it says.

Eric. Thank you so very much. We are going to have so much fun my little movie buddy.

Home sucked. Don't wanna talk about it much.

Sloan I love you. You're just too great for words.

Just looked over at my roommate and she's sleeping on her desk. Love her.

Portable record player coming in 3-7 days. Excitement. Enthusiasm. Suspense. Mmmm.

Going to nap now. Love and peace. Merry Christmas.

Look Ma, The Sun Is Shining On Me

Love today. Played Ferris Bueller with McKenna and Eric B in SF. Bought something (can't say what on here!), walked the streets, played in the chairs at the Clift (almost), rode the elevator up and down, up and down at the St. Francis...yes. And the Lord saw it and called it good. Highlight of the day: legless man riding a skateboard. Now slap my cheeks and call me Sally - that's something you don't see every day.

Received immediate ridicule and looks of disgust from my mother and elder sister the moment I stepped off the plane. Thank you for placing me under constant scrutiny. There's nothing I love more than unnecessary and unjustified criticism from two members of my own family.

Chris Rains - you're my hero. The plane ride was amazing. Thank you.

My mother and sister Becky want my brother Robert to cut his hair and shave his goatee. Quite honestly, he looks good with long hair and a bit of chin stubble. "You ruin everything, Lisa," says the mom. Oh well. You can hate your grandkids someday too since I'll approve of their long hair and first attempts at styled facial hair similar to Robert's. And there's my only depression my life that's been nothing but looked down upon by my mother.

But today was a great day. Just a great frickin day. Eric Burstyn and McKenna Stevens, love you with all my heart. We'll do it again, just the three of us. Not sure one can recreate a day as spontaneous and magical as today, but it could happen. We'll make it.

Bless your hearts. I'm off to Hannah's :)

I Wanna Rock! (Rock!)

Mmmm. Eddie keeps wowing me with amazing jackets. Saw him today wearing a bright orange ski jacket. Love that guy. Hi-fived me and I squeezed his arm telling him how much I loved his jacket. hot deal. love that eddie king.

country roads, take me home to the place where i belong. norcal, mountain mama, take me home country roads. this tuesday baby.

sloan. you're amazing.

slipped on ice yesterday and sprained my ankle. love it here so much. luckily chris was with me so he could help me up. yeah. like i have no idea how i'm going to get around tomorrow. i'm going to try and stay off the thing the rest of the night so i can maybe...hopefully...walk again tomorrow. yeah. it already feels a bit better; it's swollen to the size of an orange though (well, at least a small one).

mmm not much else to say. jealous of sloan on his mexican cruise. but that's all. love you all. keep on truckin.

<3 lisa

Night on the Sun

Wow. I mean like W.O.W. Modest Mouse and Helio Sequence tonight, plus Winford E.I. from Oaktown. They were....not that good. But wow. Helio Sequence. Let's talk about amazing talent. Sloan, call me right now so we can talk about this. Modest Mouse....incredible. I thought I'd have something amazing to say about it but i'm going on three hours of sleep from last night so i should probably call it quits. love you all. coming home tuesday night. call me, we'll chizill.

kablerium vs. obliviousity

Good days these past couple. Sloan + Lisa = true love ;) Saw Eddie yesterday in the JKHB but snubbed him by not talking when he slowed down to talk...felt bad. Saw him again today and he said Hi again, wore the hottest green sweater ever. Want it for myself. What else...been sleeping like crazy lately. Just woke up from a two hour snoozefest when I have a ten page research paper due tomorrow = bad news. Hardly started. But I've gotten an A on every paper in there so far so I'm not too worried. It just means a long tonight and longer tomorrow. But that's okay. Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go. Love my friends back home. Miss you all. Can't wait to chill with y'all next week. Talk about heaven! w00t!

Okay. Modest Mouse and Helio Sequence show TOMORROW NIGHT!!! SO EXCITED BABY!!

And that's the end of the show for tonight. Come back soon!

As You Are

Loving Travis right now. Francis...you're my hero. thing is, i'm sitting in the library supposed to be working, but instead i'm just kind of grooving to music, writing in my blog, talking to the cute boy next to me..heh heh. yeah. home again in eight days, kind of weird. this last trip home was a little weird, i think i said that before. but walnut creek just doesn't feel the same anymore. it's doesn't really feel like home. then again, provo doesn't always feel like home either. constant give and take, i guess. slept through my nine o'clock this morning, almost didn't make it to my ten o'clock either (i at least didn't get there til 10:30...eep!), but it's the first time i've done that, so i'm over it. i dont really know what to write. i'm going to be home again soon. i'm not in denial about how i'm growing apart from old friends, unlike some of these same old friends...it's natural for us to grow apart. let's not fight nature. i sound like i don't wanna be friends with these people anymore. that's totally not true, but i just don't feel the same fire and warmth in the friendship that used to be there. we're all different now; we all have different friends at college and we're going in different directions with our lives...i know in my case, i'm finally doing things i've talked about doing my whole life. things are taking off, life is great, i'm happier than ever almost. so let's make promises to be friends forever and call the worrying quits, okay? you guys know we'll always be friends...we'll have those once yearly phone calls or we'll exchange holiday cards. for crying out loud, you don't go all the way through high school, through thick and thin, as best friends only to trivialize everything by letting absence get the better of you...please girls, no. it won't happen to us. not all the way. but kids. my research paper beckons and procrastination never helped anyone. love to all. kristy and jessie - come back from arizona already!! Heh heh heh...::evil laughter:: YES!!

Origin of Symmetry

Being home is weird. Oh yeah, I'm home for all of you who didn't know. Coming back Sunday, maybe Monday, so don't fret. But yeah, being home is really strange. I think I captured it best when I said to my mom, "It's interesting. Life changes so much every day at college. I change so much. When I come home, everything is exactly the same. The same po-po's prowl the downtown streets, the same gutter punks are hanging outside the theater...life just doesn't change here." So tonight I was chilling in Barnes and Noble with Celeste, and I felt out of place. I felt like Eric should be popping out from behind a corner, or that Eddie's bubbly laugh should be radiating from some nearby table, or that Andrea should be randomly coming into my room...but none of this happened. None of it will happen. It's sad really...when I'm there I long to be here; now that I'm here, I long to be there. "No one is ever happy where they are," says the Prince. He's so right. Just today Eric asked me if I considered Provo "home" yet, and I said. "No. Provo will never be home. Home is always my parents' house." But I almost feel like revoking that. Whether I like it or not, Provo holds a lot of meaning for me right now. It's where my surrogate family is, it's where my life is. Walnut Creek holds little for me other than my own bed, my high school friends, and serves as the primary locale for all my childhood endeavors. Life isn't in Walnut Creek anymore. Life is in Provo. I've finally realized this. I'm finally ready to accept it.

Best Day of My Life

Wonderful day today.
Class at 8 am. Left early and found Becky who was sick so I bought her some throat drops.
Home to sleep for two hours.
Woke up and talked to my favorite people online. John Garlock, Sean Conroy, Celeste Naima, Brian Emmett.
Went up to campus, settled in the library at a comp and found some cool classes to take online.
Walked up the stairs from Periodicals and Eddie was standing at the top. Broke conversation to begin one with me. Love that Eddie boy. SO amazing.
Wilk for lunch. Called Britt and went to the Provo City Library to get our froggie cards and delve into the shelves. No time though.
Voice at 3. Enthused and raring for auditions in January. I kick vocal arse.
Called Mom after class and had a good talk.
Tanner for choir. Scott walking out as I walked in. Talked to him for a moment while standing no more than 4 inches away. Left before choir even began but signed the attendance anyway. Brushed against his stomach and said goodbye.
Sat inside talking to mom while choir progressed. Scott came back to cross out his initials on the attendance - said I made him feel guilty. Affectionately slugged my arm as we exchanged goodbyes again.
Knees turned to jelly as I recounted to my mom my history with him. Love Scott. Amazing man.
Choir rocked the house.
Went home and then back up to campus for "Through the Olive Trees," a Persian film. Loved it. Dinner with Britt before, movie with Britt, library with Britt after.
Called Mckenna for a Happy Birthday wish.
Found Eric hard at work playing minesweeper on his lappie. Moved to sit next to him as Britt had since left.
Talked forever. Love Eric.
Met two boys who were very cute sitting across the table from us. Nice kids.
Ride home from Eric. Grimmace is flipping off all of Utah Valley on East Bulldog. Check it out.
Home now. No homework anymore prease. Talking to all my favorite people...almost.
Love changes everything.

Where You'll Find Me Now

Hada nice little campfire last night. Saw Spirited Away - amazing movie, btw. Chilled at Jessie's. Invented the Puzzle Club. Met Juliana. Church today with Britt and J. Just got stuck in an elevator with about 26 other people. Nearly suffocated. Tons o' fun. Yeah. Def tons o' fun. Had dinner in the Cannon with Britt, J, and Eric. Met this awesome guy named Chris. Love that guy. Dark and sinister while still being fairly sane. Saw my other favorite people- Hayley, Andrea, Allison, Brandon, Forest, Julianne, Eddie (who squeezed my knee, btw ;) ) and others. And the Lisa saw it and declared, "Today was good." Talked to Allison and Bea on the phone too. Bless their hearts, I miss them. Um okay. Really should go now. Love and peace to all.

The Beautiful Occupation

Scariest dream ever last night. Dreamt that I was driving my family's Suburban and it broke down and I was pissed because I was in a hurry for....
Forest and Andrea's wedding. Sorry guys. I don't know how or why or what subconscious message that conveys...I'm just so sorry. It was pretty hilarious though. I honestly woke up and my heart was pouding. 'Twas a pretty harrowing dream I guess.

Mama's got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night!! --Love this Song

Peace the "You-know-what" Out

Btw, I saw Eddie in the library tonight. EDDIE THE KING IN THE LIBRARY ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! ::SIGH:: Love that man with heart and soul, I'm so in love with you....yeah.

Wow. I mean like W.O.W.

So Friend Male has been digging Friend Female like MAJORLY this past little while, and she has been trying to get him to back off, but to no avail. He keeps pursuing. Really messed up game of cat and mouse, but the mouse actually wants to be friends with the cat, and the cat wants to be lovers with the mouse. Whoa. Messed up analogy too, but the thing is I'm tired and it's rather late considering I've been up since 7 am. Sheesh give me a break people. Things are going alright though. Got in a nice huge fight with my parents tonight about me coming home. "You're not going to be coming home at the rate you're going," said Dad. "Um, what are you talking about Dad?" "You know what I'm talking about." Yeah, vagueness solves all our problems Dad, really gets us closer to the answer. He was mad at me for wanting to see my friends when I'm home next weekend. But instead of saying nicely like "Lisa, I don't want you having friends over," he completely BLEW UP LIKE A BOMB, out of the roof. It was insane. I just started crying so hard and Britt was with me. It was so stupid. We always fight about the stupidest things. The Stupidest Things. So look here kids, I wanna go to bed. I think I'm going to. Okay. Love you all with the fire of a thousand flames. Made a lot of sense. K Bye.

I don't think I am cut out for love. Every time I start loving someone they don't love me back. Or I love them so much it hurts but they rub the pain in my face and never bandage me up like a nice person would do. Every intimate relationship I've been in has ended in me backing out due to fear of commitment. Think about it. I don't need to give examples - that would probably hurt and embarrass some people - but they're there. There is something inside of me that says I can only be friends, never more. Every time I start caring for someone as more than a friend, I back away and realize that we'd never be more than friends. Never. Because Lisa can't be more than friends.
And intimacy. I feel like such a *;ajsdfv;a* normal person. Normal. I've had a perfect life. My parents have always loved one another, my family has always supported me, my parents have most always been proud of me. I'm away at school and I'm still making all the *skdj* right choices and hanging out with a group identical to my friends at home. I've got my Celeste and my Perry, my Helen, my Bea and Hannah. Sure there are minor differences, but I have another Perry. At *djdjdh* BYU. Perrys aren't supposed to be at BYU. There are only supposed to be Sam Joneses and David Glenns...no Perrys.
But intimacy. I honestly feel like I have nothing to open up about. My life has been 99% perfect. A+ perfect. What do I have to show for it though? Not much more than a bleeding heart and hollowness. I have no major problems that have affected me my whole life, at least nothing I haven't come to terms with. I guess that's one good thing about being away from home: I've conquered and overcome my main source of depression in life. But if you ask me one thing I'm sad about, I can only say that I'm not sad. I am a lover, a protector, an unconditional friend. Because even if you flake on me 20 times I will still be your friend. That's rather pathetic. Truth is therefore pathetic. But there is something inside of me that makes me love unconditionally. And I will love anyone. Anyone at all. Loving is my best hobby I guess.
I love no one more than the next. I love strangers just as much as I love my sisters. I love Simon just as much as I love Garfunkel. Chances are I love you too.
Papa's favorite poem was this little ditty called "Press On." I don't remember how it goes, but I guess the title itself relays the overall message effectively enough. Press On. Press On. Press On.
Sometimes I think that maybe I can talk to dead people. Like spirits. And they will come right next to me, or at least tune into my voice from whatever cloud they're on, and they will listen to me talk to them. I say things like "I miss you" and "How is heaven?" and I tell them what life is like. It's like April and her balloons, may God bless her soul.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know why I'm writing. I just know that I love you Eric more than anything too. And I love Perry and I want you to come home safe and sober. And I love you all. That's one of the only things I know for sure. I just love you all and I will do anything for you and I will die for you if you really really need me to.
No simple man ever wrote anything worth reading.

Eye

So I just wrote this to Britt but I'm going to say it again. when i read the lyrics to "stand inside your love" i wonder who billy was in love with when he wrote that song, where the emotion behind it came from. because that's some strong stuff you know. it came from deep within his sorry lonely heart, it came from a yearning to be loved as much as he loves. But billy, forget your longing. i love you.
okay that was freaky.
but tonight was fun because i went on a "random spontaneous outing" to savers with britt, dave and eric. fun times. ::sigh:: i found a grey members only jacket that i was SO going to buy for only seven dollars to resell at home for ten, but i passed up the chance. that's okay. i bought a fun retro authentic retro bag, kind of like the ones puma makes now but mine is actually from the 70s. well it looks like it is. the three layers of grime on it say it is. i am listening to SP right now. i haven't listened to them in a while. that's probably why i got sick - my body was going through SP withdrawl.
so the thing is: i am deathly tired, but i have a rough draft of a my research paper due tomorrow. i really don't want to do it, but it is worth points, and doing it will at least have me one step closer to completing the paper.
i think maybe i love people too much sometimes. i love perry too much, but he needs to be loved too much because he's not loved enough. wow. that's a depressing thought.
sometimes i am too good of a friend. i did tom's research for his bio poster, and some of forest's too. but that's okay. i got a good laugh considering neither of them know how to conduct a search.
but right now i'm working on a research paper of how the Walt Disney Company is trying to take over the world. it's going well so far, considering the fact i started on it an hour ago and the rough draft (it's a 10 page paper, mind you) is due 8 am tomorrow morning. groovy baby. or kitschy, as sean and jack would say. fun times. love to all, must work for real now.

A Newfound Comfort

Wow. I am sick right now - viral infection in my lungs. But things are great. Halloween was a blast. I just chilled with Eric, Britt, Dave, Hugh, and Sam. Sam I just met last night, he's a friend of Hugh's, but I of course have known Eric, Britt and Dave much longer. I am slowly forgetting Eddie. Sure, he is devastatingly gorgeous, but my interests and admirations have shifted as of late. Didn't come home til 6 in the morning. When Eric dropped me off at HH around 5:15 or so, my friend Brent and his friend Steven were outside throwing snowballs. They were going to Del Taco and said "COME!" so I did. And it was fun. So I got to bed around 6:15 and got up about 1. Spent the day in the library. Went to a Student Composer Showcase with Forest and laughed my head off. Then saw the original "Frankenstein" with Jessica from down the hall. She's great. I like her a lot - way cool gal. Eric called and off to his friend's apartment which was so much fun. They are way cool kids. Just sat around their fireplace, drank cider, played guitar and sang, talked, joked, laughed. Eric's parents called my cell trying to reach Eric. That was trippy. Tonight was a good night. A really random, spontaneous, fun night. I'm loving the band Tortoise right now too. Def check them out if you're into the instrumental indie thing. Coming home in less than two weeks = 12 days. Way excited. Best weekend ever with my sibs and pup and best friends that are home :) Miss you all. Love you more <3.